AIBU - boarding school?

[marateach]

My partner and I are thinking about having children soon however we have quite different ideas about their upbringing. He went to a boarding school from age 11 and loved it. He has said that if we have children he would like to give them the option to go away to boarding school from KS2 onwards.
I can’t imagine only seeing my children during school holidays!

AIBU?
If you / your children went to boarding school, were they / you happy? Do you have any regrets?

@Cocomarine

You know that KS2 is age 7, right? No way in hell would I not have been in my 7 year old’s daily life - whether they wanted or not.

At 11, I’d have considered it if:

• they really wanted to go
• there was a good reason (e.g. a musical talent)

And even then I’d want flexi boarding or weekly boarding. It’s not even about would they be happy - I wouldn’t be happy.

If my partner actively wanted to go for boarding at KS2, I wouldn’t be with them. Our values would be too different. At KS3, I’d need to feel certain that they would put the needs of the child first.

It wouldn’t bother me that they were open to the possibility if they liked it themselves, as long as I was sure they wouldn’t try to over rule either my child or my wishes. I would need to know that they would respect my veto, for any reason.

Surely the end of KS2 is Year 6, 11 years old.

I wouldn’t sweat it
Of course if he had a positive experience he wants to offer that to his kids but doesn’t mean it will happen. Costs an absolute fortune for one thing.

@Platax

People who loved boarding school, what was it you loved about it? Did you really not miss home and your families? Didn't you think it was a bit of a weird set-up where you were being sent off to live with a load of strangers who had considerable power over you?

For me it was a clear choice. I could have stayed in the UK with my abusive narcissistic fuck up of a birth mother and carry on as a day girl at the prestigious but actually awful school I was at or I could move to Australia with my dad and (step)mum who love, cherish and care for me and where I would attend the local-ish tiny primary school then have to board for secondary. Even at 8 years old I knew that was a no-brainer. I did miss my parents and felt homesick at first but everybody else is in the same boat, I had lots of opportunities and made great, friends. It wasn't a weird set-up because it was normal for all of us and we all knew that was what would happen. Some of my classmates were ecstatic because they lived on such remote farms their primary schooling had been over the airwaves and they'd met their 'class'mates a handful of times a year. For them being among their peers and seeing friends every day was a fucken miracle

My son is 8 (Yr4) and flexi boards - through choice. He absolutely loves it.

There are YR3 kids that do too, and about half of YR4s do.

It's nothing like it used to be, in my experience.

It's great for independence and self reliance.

I'd never make a child board if they didn't want to, and I'm not sure school would want them to either.

Why on Earth does an 8 year old need to be "self-reliant"?

@Tailendofsummer

Why on Earth does an 8 year old need to be "self-reliant"?

Exactly. And PP who said 'On the surface he appears to be coping well', it shouldn't be about coping at that age, there shouldn't be that struggle.

My sister went to one, said it was awful

There is a school of thought that pupils at boarding school have many of the same issues as children who grow up in care, due to trauma of being separated from family and being raised by paid carers

I don’t think you can always judge as there’s so much variability . We live walking distance from DS’s school and he’s started to ask to board a night -then immediately to board more and to add weekends in -despite being so happy at home. I guess it’s quieter at home while they do so much stuff and he plays games with friends at school (we do often at home too but it’s probably not as fun as having peers and his sibling busy with gcse work) .
He’s got so much closer to friends as a result which was something that didn’t come naturally to him when he was younger and aged 10 says not been homesick once. I keep hoping he’ll board less but it feels so positive for him to be so animated and they have endless opportunities he’s into . Plus home is here anytime as it’s flexi boarding and he chooses

@Restzol yes. I had the same thoughts about that documentary. They were very dismissive of the children's and parents feelings. I felt really sorry for the girl who's mum wasn't there, who was hanging on to her friends mum. She practically blacked her and barely acknowledged her.

I went to boarding school in the 80’s when I was 11 and absolutely loved it. Loved it so much I cried when I had to leave.

I would think it’s very dependent on the child’s outlook though.

Tilly I'm not judging and I do applaud you for putting what you think are your son's interests abover your own but I would have been so incredibly sad if my 10 year old wanted to spend the majority of the week somewhere other than home. Visiting friends houses/sleepovers/etc yes but wanting to spend weekends as well as week nights away from his home and not being homesick once would really really bother me. It turns home into a place that needs to compete with friends/boarding etc. rather than the place we just live with those who love us - no endless entertainment just living together with people who love you.

Pallisers, that;s a lovely way of putting it; home is just where you are, with those who love you, whom you love.
sounds so simple, so unambitious; and is worth more than gold.

Exactly. And PP who said 'On the surface he appears to be coping well', it shouldn't be about coping at that age, there shouldn't be that struggle.

Well, of course. You wouldn't deliberately leave your child shivering in an icy cold bedroom with a growling empty stomach, when you have plenty of money to pay for heating and nourishing food - just because you reckon 'they'll cope' (or at least might appear to).

It reminds me of the old joke about the wealthy duchess looking to appoint a new chauffeur. She asks each applicant about their driving skills and how close they could confidently drive to the edge of the local cliff without going over. The first says 3ft, the second says 2ft, the third says just 6 inches; but she gives the job to the fourth one who replies "I wouldn't drive anywhere near the edge - why on earth would you?!"

I agree with you, too, Pallisers - very beautifully put.

Pallisers it’s not the majority of the week in our case, it’s two nights which can be skipped anytime. Then he’s twice asked to do a Saturdays night for a special event and I fetch him when want which has been after breakfast.
I totally hear you and I boarded myself from 8 and generally wary of it. I have struggled to be open minded and not project what I feel but i think there are degrees of it where it can be a happy thing too. I also totally understand avoiding it altogether !

Pallisers has started from the same position that many do, which is totally understandable from a parent's perspective but which I think is a false assumption.

I can tell you from my own experience, that of my sister and my wife (all of us boarded) that the dichotomy where home 'competes' with boarding school is a false one, and it is not a zero sum game.

From the age of nine I knew full well which was my home and which was my school. The existence of one did not detract from the existence of the other at all; rather, it added a whole lot more to my life and strengthened the ties I had to home, as well as reinforce my appreciation of home in a way that most teenagers simply don't get. I am rather bemused my all the tales on MN of 15 year olds who refuse to go on family holidays or sulk through them - this sort of thing was absolutely unthinkable to me and those of my boarding school friends who had normal family lives int he first place. Enjoying strong parental relationships as an older child was nothing like as toxic for my boarding school friends as it was for the ones who stayed at home.

Before she died, one of the things my mother made clear about boarding school is that foregoing my presence, affection and attention when I was at school meant that she didn't have to compete for it when I wasn't.

Well, of course. You wouldn't deliberately leave your child shivering in an icy cold bedroom with a growling empty stomach, when you have plenty of money to pay for heating and nourishing food - just because you reckon 'they'll cope' (or at least might appear to).

To read the threads on here about central heating you'd think this was pretty normal!

I boarded in the 90s from age 11. I didn't dislike it; I didn't love it either. There were pros and cons. But I just got on with it. You could have asked me "do you like BS?" and I probably would have said yes.

My feelings changed significantly when I had a child of my own. A lot of feelings that I had suppressed all came bubbling over. I know I could never send my child away, I'd move heaven and earth to put them first.

I always find it hard reading and writing on these threads (because I'm so fucking repressed emotionally). I tried therapy but I can't articulate myself.

But take a look at boarding school syndrome. I have so many hallmarks of that. I'm not saying BS has given me a bad life; it hasn't. But I struggle with relationships, I can't deal with my feelings, I drink to block any uncomfortable feeling out. I have made bad choices because I feel insecure. I am independent but too much so. I struggle with family things sometimes, it is like my emotional development stopped when I was 11 sometimes.

I wouldn't want my child at boarding school dealing with a medical issue alone; or crying without me to comfort them. I know how hard it is to parent teens when they're under your roof let alone when you are distanced from them - probably more so now with social media. I love my parents but I keep them at arms length. I genuinely think my life would be very different if I hadn't gone to BS.

Not trying to make this post all about me. (I will definitely come back and delete it!) I would have been one of those people who would have seemed happy and to enjoy it - but those suppressed feelings came back to bite me.

I know that boarding is far less common now and very different to how it was when I went. Just wanted to be a voice of caution because I'm sure my parents went round saying I loved it and I was thriving. I was fine, I adapted, but here 20 plus years later there wounds.

Steppered thank you for sharing this, I have a friend who echos almost exactly what you say- she said she liked boarding school well enough at the time, but says a lot of repressed emotions came out when she had her own daughter.

I think there’s also a pressure on some children to do the family proud and show that they’re enjoying it, especially in those cases where families have made sacrifices to afford to send a child to a certain school.

In terms of a great education- couldn’t you get a lot of those benefits from a private day school?

Boarding school at 7 is cruel unless other options are worse. When you bring your 7 year old to the school, the head distracts them and asks you to dissappear. That 7 year old may be crying themselves to sleep and many will wet their bed. They may be bullied and will not share it with you as your bond is broken. They may develop a thick skin made of jokes and arrogance to defend themselves. Upside, posh accent, good education. How do I know all this, I've seen it happen, don't recommend it in the slightest.

Who does your partner expect to raise his kids whilst they're in boarding school?

I think it's vile to send a child away and let them essentially raise themselves. People who do this don't deserve children.