AIBU - boarding school?

[marateach]

My partner and I are thinking about having children soon however we have quite different ideas about their upbringing. He went to a boarding school from age 11 and loved it. He has said that if we have children he would like to give them the option to go away to boarding school from KS2 onwards.
I can’t imagine only seeing my children during school holidays!

AIBU?
If you / your children went to boarding school, were they / you happy? Do you have any regrets?

I agree with PP that you have to wait and see what any potential children are like and also how they learn, as that can be an important thing.

I have two older siblings, my parents made the decision to send them to different senior schools based on how they learnt, one was very book learning, the other wouldn't have coped with that.

If you have the financial means to make that decision than do so

My 9 year old was holding my hand when he went out for a walk tonight, and sat on my knee as I dried his hair. The idea that he could be off in a boarding school sounds like a nightmare. (I should say at 8 he wouldn't have been seen dead holding my hand, their desire for independence comes and goes and as I am in his life daily I can give him what he needs in that regard).
I know it's wrong to judge but I absolutely would judge anyone sending a primary aged child off to board. I'd probably feel the same for secondary too to be honest.
Unless they show wizarding abilities.

What "kind of child" I had or how much money we had would make no difference to how I feel about boarding. And I say that as someone raised on the happy fantasy of Mallory Towers and St Claire's.

Unless it's Eton (which would provide life-long opportunities for said child) I would never do it

I don’t think it is about whether a child loves boarding school and so they should go.

Dh was sent away at 7 years old. He loved it.
It did nothing for him and I think has had a damaging impact on him.
I think he would have been better off going to the local grammar

It is a false life

I went to boarding school - it was my choice and I absolutely loved it. I'm incredibly close to many of my school friends and we all have very positive memories from our time there.

I don’t get why you’d send children away to boarding school 🤷🏻‍♀️Why have kids if you’re just going to send them away from you. Would break my heart to be away from Dd

It sounds so simple that you think you must be missing something - but I'm 100% with you there. Formal education is only one part of a child's upbringing and learning.

I wonder how many people would decide that, when their children were some age between 7-11, they would maybe just see if another family might do a better job at parenting them and take over their jobs for the whole week, probably for weeks on end. If the government even proposed this as something they were looking into making a national (optional) scheme for, everybody would be up in arms; and yet, if it's a formal 'boarding school', they will quite happily do it.

My DS is 9 and I'm already very aware how quickly the years go by. I'm sad when I stop and think that, in a short decade or so, he will be making his own way in the world and won't need us on a daily basis. Of course, although sad in that respect, he will be an adult then and ready to start branching out on his own. Right now, aged 9? Not the slightest chance we would countenance cutting those precious childhood years short for anything.

I lost both my parents when I was in my early twenties - an adult - and it stays with me permanently how little time I actually had to spend with them in my life; of course, that was nobody's choice whatsoever. Maybe my circumstances colour my opinion somewhat, but I cannot for a moment see how you could actively choose, barely halfway through their childhood, to give up the rest of those crucial years when you as parents are the most important people in your child's life and they are in yours.

I know people will tell me I'm being ridiculous and insist 'but we see them every weekend' and/or 'they have long holidays'. Would you make the conscious, deliberate choice not to see your spouse/partner more than at the weekend or for only a quarter of the year? Living together very happily, but nevertheless thinking "Hmm, you know what would make us even happier as a team and help us to show how much we love each other - if one of us moved out and we lived some distance apart, completely unable to see each other for weeks or months on end - even though we have no financial or work-based need to do so"?

I enjoy my children's company far too much to not see them for weeks on end. They are teenagers now and so much fun. They also really need us somstimes.
My Dad went to boarding school and felt never very close to his or siblings.

Got sick of stupid people who can't think further than their own narrow experience and assume that anything difference is evil.

it is so sad that where you live/your family provided only this experience so you had to send your children to board. Was there no way you could have moved so your children could have lived at home and mixed in a normal society?

And does your children's boarding school actually provide a broad diverse experience for them?

Boarding school is not what I would want for my children and I would not have children with someone who couldn't accept that.

It isn't something you can compromise on, it is so fundamental to how life is structured.

There is no point asking what other people think about their pasts, it is about what you want for your children's futures. But FWIW, I know more people who disliked boarding than liked it, and I know no one at all who was a day pupil who wished they were a boarder.

I for one don't consider boarding schools as necessarily 'evil' - you're sending them to be cared for and brought up by other capable, responsible adults and not just pushing them out in to the moors at midnight with a red and white spotty bag on a stick.

I just cannot accept that doing what the vast, vast majority of people (deadbeats aside) do - having children and then remaining as a constant as the most important adult(s) in their lives until they are mature to begin adulthood on their own - is a narrow or blinkered view.

We're not talking adoption here, where birth parents realise/choose (or have to be told by a court) that they are incapable of giving their children the parental care that they need and thus officially pass this responsibility on to other adults. It seems like, in most cases, it's a relatively arbitrary choice - indeed often made by wealthy, privileged parents, with a lot of options at their disposal; e.g. if you're struggling to look after your house whilst spending time with your children, keeping your house clean, your garden tidy, meals cooked, vehicles maintained etc. - you could outsource all of the rest of those, but firmly prioritise the first one and ensure you keep that part of your life purely for yourself.

As for those who say that their children want to leave their normal family life and go to boarding school, I would be devastated if a child of mine told us that they effectively wanted to swap us for other (as yet unknown) adults as their major carers - and I'd seriously search to find what we did to make them choose that.

I do wonder how many children have read Harry Potter or Enid Blyton and latched on to the apparent fun and adventurous parts of it - maybe having been away for a week/weekend before - without having the faintest clue what it will really be like as their new norm for weeks and months on end. Why ever would or should they be expected to make that decision: they're children?!

firmly prioritise the first one and ensure you keep that part of your life purely for yourself.

Technically, the second one, actually - I phrased that badly!

your child is not even born yet and you are already talking about giving him/her away.. ? do you not see a problem with that?

Why don't you wait to meet your child first and the personality that he/she is, and talk about it again at the right time, considering everything under the circumstances?

I know a guy who spent all his school age in boarding schools and he is a damaged soul. I think that at a young age, and without a personal informed choice, a child can not escape the feeling of abandonment.

No way! Why have children then send them away for the majority of their formative years?
My cousin went and she did enjoy it but, she has specialised needs which the school specialised in, so she enjoyed it but she came home every weekend.
My kids are adults now and I could not imagine not having been there for their primary school years into senior school (despite thinking I'd like that, in my head, many times!)
My friends son went to boarding school (scholarship) and they are not close at all. He went travelling when he left sixth form, three years later, he's not been back.

I do wonder how many children have read Harry Potter or Enid Blyton and latched on to the apparent fun and adventurous parts of it - maybe having been away for a week/weekend before - without having the faintest clue what it will really be like as their new norm for weeks and months on end. Why ever would or should they be expected to make that decision: they're children?!

Yes of course. I think many of these ‘desperate to go to boarding school’ children were probably Enid Blyton fans (like me as a child) who imagined themselves sneaking out for midnight feasts and having adventures at a beautiful countryside school. I seriously doubt they had any real life understanding of the consequences of this and what the daily life would be like.

I went at age 8, and so did my brother. We were both damaged by it in so many ways I wouldn't know where to start. Not that it shows, but that's boarding school for you - your heightened survival instinct kicks in so the unconscious impulse to camouflage trauma becomes embedded in a childhood dominated by a general air of disinterested abandonment.

My brother would say the same if he hadn't died age 30, by blotting out his distress through alcohol.

I'm sure it's different now but there is nothing in this world that would persuade me to send my children away.

Thinking more about this - I couldn't imagine not knowing my children's friends, meeting their gf/bf, not being there when my daughter started her period, not knowing that she actually had PO and needed medication, not knowing when my son felt self conscious about his teenage spots so I could do everything to sort it (we did).
My friend's father was a diplomat and lived abroad a lot so she and her siblings went to boarding school here. She's now in her 50s, says she never really knew her parents (and they never knew her. they lived in Barbados and she in England) she always felt unwanted and they knew nothing about her likes and dislikes - her older sisters essentially became her 'mum' - very sad. She never really mentioned her 'dad' - he was always too busy being 'important'.
She's a single parent now (50s) l and says there's no way, ever, she would send her daughter (21) to boarding school - she would much rather have a decent relationship with her, which she does. She values the relationship that she has with her daughter and questions why she, as a child, wasn't enough for her parents to want to be with her x
Please don't do it

Thusgardenlife so sorry fir you and your brother but what lovely mum you are to your children

@Nc123

I wouldn’t do it. Three of my aunts went to boarding school and all of them, separately, were damaged by it in different ways - one excessively.

i can understand this, having had experience. i think over the age of 13, if the child really wants to, and you are sure the school is right for them, then maybe. but there must be a poss exit. but how can a child really know, or how can you know, what it will be like, whether suitable, a good match. i'd been reading jennings books, so i was quite relaxed about the idea. the reality was completely different, and not in a good way. bullying from staff is rarely mentioned but often experienced. and as a boarder, there is no escape. it . can. be . hell. my sleeping is still disrupted. never able to relax. listening to the bell chiming the hours throughout the night, and having to get up in the cold at 6am. physical conditions may be better nowadays, but the fact of being away from home, as a child, ie not able to stand up to adults as an equal, is problematic. maybe if a pupil is the favoured one, or just overlooked, it's ok-ish. but if singled out as the scapegoat early on, there is no escape. and it can overshadow one's later life.

@timestheyarechanging

Thusgardenlife so sorry fir you and your brother but what lovely mum you are to your children

seconded. thisgarden, you describe it very well. the covering up, to survive, without even realising. it's hard to step out of later on. take care.

Boris Johnson
Jacob Rees-Mogg
David Cameron

All boarded. FFS this isn't the 1500s send your kids to school and parent them properly. Look what damage has been caused by the above....

Kids need some discipline, lots of love and plenty of encouragement. Not sending off to live in a draconian, old fashioned school world.

Kids that grow up in cities, in decent schools and with 'hands on' parents do very well.

DH and siblings went from 8 (boys) and 11 (girls). DH loved it, BIL hated it, SIL seems to mostly have liked it. All super close to their family, no one damaged by it.

My youngest (year10) goes to one of the top public school (or private as most of MN call it) in the local town to us (as did his brothers).

He was a day boy but actually begged to weekly board as he thought it looked brilliant and his best mate was a full boarder. He goes Sunday night to Friday after school and absolutely loves it.

It is a brave woman who posts on MN about boarding schools. Particularly in AIBU and not an education board. It's a very polarising topic on here.

Some of the comments people make about families that choose boarding are incredible. If you said "why bother having a child just for them to be raised by someone else" to parents who put their kids in nursery as toddlers you would be chewed out on here!

The key for any educational decision I would say is that it has to be right for the child.

My two cents - don't rule it in or out until you have school aged children. You'll know when they're old enough and if it's right for them. Some kids are ready quite young, some in their mid teens, some only ready to leave home for education at university age - and some not even then! In general, more kids will enjoy boarding as they get older but not always. Some love the busy prep-school years but by sixth form are a bit tired of 24/7 community life and want to do a couple of years as a day pupil before university. Also note that sometimes it will suit some kids but not their siblings. Consider each child as an individual.

Also remember that most peoples personal experiences (good or bad) will be decades old and all schools, but especially boarding schools, have changed in the past few years. Make sure you make any decisions based on current information and not the reputations and pupil experiences of more than a decade ago.

Overall I am quite in favour of boarding but it has to be the right school for the right child at the right time. The experiences that can be provided at top independent boarding schools in the UK are truly amazing. However, not all schools are equal and even the best schools won't suit everyone.

I would say like any school it's important to be prepared to have back up plans. You are not sending your child to Mars - if they think they will like it but it turns out they don't, guess what, they can come home!

I would be reluctant to have children with someone who insisted the kids would go to boarding school before they were even born. But I don't think there's anything wrong with someone saying they enjoyed it and would like to keep it open as an option.

Start saving for the fees now and then if you decide against it you will have a lovely pot of money to use for the children (or yourselves...!) anyway.

Some of the comments people make about families that choose boarding are incredible. If you said "why bother having a child just for them to be raised by someone else" to parents who put their kids in nursery as toddlers you would be chewed out on here!

That’s because it’s a completely different situation that really doesn’t correlate to sending a seven year old to love at school all term long.

Unless you drop your child off in September and pick them up from nursery at the beginning of the summer holidays.