AIBU - boarding school?

[marateach]

My partner and I are thinking about having children soon however we have quite different ideas about their upbringing. He went to a boarding school from age 11 and loved it. He has said that if we have children he would like to give them the option to go away to boarding school from KS2 onwards.
I can’t imagine only seeing my children during school holidays!

AIBU?
If you / your children went to boarding school, were they / you happy? Do you have any regrets?

Assuming not the other side of the country, you don't just see them in the holidays. Most schools do flexi boarding and weekly boarding. Parents are welcomed in the week for sports, music, drama activities. It is very different now to when I boarded (forces child) and contact was by letter!

I think it would depend very much on the child and what their personality is like.

My ex-husband was about 5 years old when he came downstairs one morning to find a small suitcase by the front door and was told he was going to boarding school that day. This wasn't because his family had great dreams of him becoming a high academic achiever or anything like that but was more to do with the fact that nobody wanted him (he'd been dumped on his paternal grandparents when his 16-year-old mother couldn't cope and his 28-year-old father didn't care - but that's another story).

Sadly boarding school messed him up big time (quite often the family "forgot" that he needed to be collected in the holidays) and I think contributed to his constant dabbling in drugs, heavy drinking, belligerence, rudeness, and inability to interact with the other people for extended periods of time without hugely offending them and being unable to understand why. His social skills were abysmal.

Consequently our marriage was very short-lived but in hindsight, much as I dislike the adult he became, I do feel sorry for the child that he was.

My dd is 13, yr9 and at private school now. No way would she want to board. Some children love it but ks2 is far too young. Year 9 onwards, year 8 at a pinch maybe. But even then that would be harsh.

My husband boarded from eight, he hated it, the students weren’t pleasant, the staff weren’t pleasant, and like the other children he had been abandoned by his parents.

If a child prefers school and is often reluctant to go home that is referred to the DSL, people thinking their child not wanting to come home as a positive is quite worrying.

I went to boarding school.Although I had friends there,I felt incredibly lonely.this loneliness stayed for me for the rest of my life.I felt really abandoned by my parents.Dont do it,it is bad for a child.

@SisforSoppy

Unless you have £80k/year spare it isn’t going to be an issue.

Haha yes

I think - let him talk. Don't worry. Just say yeah let's see.

It is not a binary choice between boarding and day school.

My DS sleeps at school roughly one night a week. It's not every single week because sometimes he doesn't want to. We live

Don't do it!
My brothers boarded from the age of 8 and both remain deeply traumatised, decades later. The biggest problem (well, one of the many) is that if your child is unhappy at school they can't escape it - so it effectively becomes a prison.
Some children do claim to love boarding so it obviously does work for some. My view is that the childhood/teenage years are difficult waters to navigate and it's your job as a parent to steer - and handhold, and comfort, and encourage, and put the brakes on when needed - all the time.

KS2 is young, but from 13 (which is prep school would end) I think it's ok! Just completely your preference. You don't have to send them somewhere that you only get to see them at holidays, you have the option of weekly boarding and they come home every weekend, dropping them back on Monday morning often. That's a much nicer compromise and they do get such good academic supervision!

DS boarded from 11 (Army child) so I’m not anti per ce, but I will stay it’s changed our relationship and I often miss him so much it makes me feel physically sick. 7 is just monstrous in my opinion. I know many Army children who’ve boarded from 7 and all of them are deeply affected by it - even if their parents don’t want to see it.

Are you comfortable when the decision comes your dh will respect your views? And that of your child?
I think you have to agree now, the earliest age they could go, what the terms are, otherwise you are storing up big problems for the future.

Boarding school is not just an education - it is a sink and swim environment. Your children’s characters will be key to the decision, a gentle reserved home bird will really struggle. Bullying and over competitive behaviour is rife, but the sporting opportunities and life long friendships are beneficial.

Once you have your own children you will realise how fiercely you love them, it is very painful to let them go at any age (and worse still if they hate it and cry) so give yourself the option of a day school even if your child is potentially up for it. Your parenting input is basically over once they go, they are gone and move on to university - you need to be prepared for that loss, and to hand over the reins to strangers.

@Kanaloa obviously I'm not saying it's the same situation. But they are both choices I have heard called "unnatural separation of child and mother too young" and "being raised by someone else" other such things. The comparison between the number of waking hours a kid in full time nursery and a kid at boarding school spends with their parents may surprise you. And also almost no seven year olds are termly boarders.

OP I forgot to say in my experience of boarding, kids who have a secure attachment at home do best. There is often this kind of Harry Potter idea around that kids from terrible homes love the escape of boarding and kids from great homes are dreadfully homesick - I disagree with it. Often children from secure homes are happiest, they are not worried about losing their family bonds or being away and are able to enjoy feeling at home in two places. Some children from difficult situations do love the escape of boarding and thrive on a stable school environment but some others really feel like they have been sent away - and frankly, sometimes they have. Going to boarding school for your education from a loving home is very different to going to boarding school because you are not fitting in at home.

I also agree with words, I had no idea how much serious input, parenting and guidance teens need - more so now with SM and self harming/eating disorders and such a huge amount of mental health problems. Issues with sexting/images/drugs relentless pressure not to mention the academic pressure they are under constantly. As the school relies on good results to secure their future.
It is the mother of tough rides for most teens. Friendship issues are problematic and inescapable. 247 nature is bloody relentless couple that with the confines of boarding and you can see how difficult and challenging it is for may. At least day pupils get to go home, have a bug, pour out their hearts, cuddle the dog - eat decent food. Seriously with the pandemic things are even worse in my experience.

I don't agree with them going away that young, but mine went at 13. It was their choice and they both loved it. They came home some weekends but often went to friends and when they came home to us, they often brought friends with them. They develped great friendships. Most importantly, because life at home was not as easy as I would have liked, I was really happy with the pastoral care at the school - some of the difficult things (typical teenage behaviours) were dealt with really well and probably better than I could have handled the issues at home. In the holidays we were more relaxed and fun because the difficult stuff was taken care of at school.

It was nice being around friends, not having to commute to school or activities. Homework time built into the day. I’m really close to siblings and parents - go on holiday with them and they have a good bond with me and my kids.

No doubt it can be damaging for the wrong kids, but it can be positive too. People’s middle ground of living close to school and weekly/flexi boarding or starting as day pupil are also options if you are concerned. It also means you can attend their matches and concerts etc easily.

DH and his siblings went away to public school. One hated it and two absolutely loved it.

My children will be offered the choice of attending boarding school when they are 11 or 13 if they want to go.

We move so often it would be detrimental to their education. My husband went and loved it, he also isn’t permanently damaged or a sociopath.

Reading some of the posts on here I do think some parents are being ‘shielded’ from the realities by some BS. Sadly I have a front row seat watching the dansge and fall out and wonder if the parents have any idea or whether they simply don’t care, and see that they are paying for their teen to be someone else’s problem. I see neglect of the highest order in some cases. It’s untouchable mostly by the authorities, and invisible/glossed over but nonetheless extremely sad for the kids who will one day grow up and hold their families accountable.

Interesting views here.

Both my parents boarded, and while neither of them ever talk/ed about it much, though both grew up damaged in some ways.

My parents put me into boarding a couple times when they went away on holiday in my teens, and while I usually enjoyed the experience, I found it a weird environment. I wonder if boarding is different for teen girls as it is for teen boys?

Myself, I’m now a 46 yo widow with a 4 year old. I may not be able to afford it, but it has struck me that it might be better for my son socially, academically and in terms of growing up well-disciplined if I put him into boarding Mon - Thurs nights. I’m not sure bring the only child of a knackered menopausal mum who hates housework would be a better option. Also, it would maybe give me more ooomph to have more quality time with him at weekends and holidays.

Another (slightly morbid) thought that is that if I should happen to die fairly young, he might be equipped with lifelong friends with whom he has a very solid relstionship.

But perhaps all moot, and I’d need to wait and see. I see now that considering it a 4 night sleepover with the opportunity to throw yourself into academic and extra-curricular activities is possibly a tad naive!

None of the boarders at the school I went to did particularly well in life (though neither did I). The male college friends I had, who’d boarded at a posher school, have done very well, sort of, but that’s more due to connections. They were both very untitled, out-of-touch, and unself-aware of their privilege.

It probably very much depends on the child, the school, and the family circumstances. But perhaps a good protection from this atomised society we’ve been creating, of teens in their bedrooms, on their screens.

My youngest (year10) goes to one of the top public school (or private as most of MN call it) in the local town to us (as did his brothers).

He was a day boy but actually begged to weekly board as he thought it looked brilliant and his best mate was a full boarder. He goes Sunday night to Friday after school and absolutely loves it.

It's probably a bit different if he's 15 or so, as he's not necessarily that far from moving out and leaving you anyway, so he's just wanting to make the break a bit earlier.

But as for younger children, wouldn't it absolutely cut you to the quick for your child to be told that they don't want to live with you any more? I know they're often focusing on what they perceive to be the fun things about boarding school, but surely even most younger children must realise that choosing to live for most of your time at place B necessarily means that you're no longer living at place A?

Homes where marriages have broken down frequently experience many negative issues as a result of the children having to be moving from home to home all the time - even though it's from the home of one loving parent to the home of their other loving parent - I just don't see why happily married parents would choose to disrupt their child's home life and deliberately deprive them of one secure home.

I also think that much of the damage is swept under the carpet or not even realised until later by many of the children and their parents (who may be in denial anyway). I suppose, if you have gone down the BS route, you have no comparison of how things could have been if your family had remained living together.

I'm not personally a fan of sending very tiny children to nursery (for childcare rather than for pre-school experience), if you have a realistic option of one of their parents looking after them - all of those hours and special moments in their very early years that you miss; but I don't think you can compare children being away from you during the day to them actually having their main home moved away from their parents, whom they then don't see at all for weeks on end.

Although some people report having loved being at BS, the very high proportion of ex-boarders who report the devastating effect that they feel/have observed that it has had on their/their loved ones' lives tells me more than enough that it's not an avenue I'd ever want to pursue.

If I saw wild mushrooms growing in the woods as I walked on through, knowing that they might well be very safe and tasty but could equally be poisonous and dangerous.... I wouldn't mess around trying to work out which ones to chance: I'd just completely ignore the whole lot.

*for your child to be told that they don't want to live with you any more

for your child TO TELL YOU....

I started watching the youtube documentary posted about at the start of the thread and had to turn it off as it reminded me so strongly of my own boarding school experiences.

My dad joined the RAF when I was 12, so I started at age 13. It had never been suggested before and was such a shock. I just hated it. What upset me even more was the thought of my younger brother, age 9, going through the same experience somewhere else. Listening to the house mistress on the film talking about 'they just have to learn to cope with the homesickness' was very upsetting. You learn to cope by just suppressing how you feel and burying those feelings. You get used to being at boarding school and probably appear superficially okay, but it's not good to learn just to bury emotion.

I am sure that many parents of the people I boarded with told their friends and family how much their children 'loved' boarding school, but I've never met anyone who said it about themselves, other than people posting online. The educational and extra-curricular activities were wonderful, but emotionally it was just awful. My parents also missed out on all our teenage years - I don't think they realise just what they have missed.

I really hope that modern boarding schools are better (I went in the late '80s). It must be much easier to keep in touch now, which would help. On the plus side, going to university was a doddle - no homesickness and already pretty competent at looking after myself!

You wouldn't only see your children during school holidays. Lots of boarding schools have a Monday morning drop off and a Friday evening pick-up, which is a nice compromise.

Even the proper boarding boarding ones have regular exeats where you come home for the weekend.

It's waaaaay too early to be making choices about this. Some children love boarding and suit it, for others it is torture. You need to wait and have kids, see how they are, then make choices about it.

I guess another major difference is Skype, Zoom, etc. Children could spend one hour a day talking to their parents, and other family members, in a way that wasn’t possible probably even 10 years ago.

But then that would create notable differences between the parents who day stay in touch closely, and those who don’t / can’t, and that could be added hurt for some children.