AIBU - boarding school?

[marateach]

My partner and I are thinking about having children soon however we have quite different ideas about their upbringing. He went to a boarding school from age 11 and loved it. He has said that if we have children he would like to give them the option to go away to boarding school from KS2 onwards.
I can’t imagine only seeing my children during school holidays!

AIBU?
If you / your children went to boarding school, were they / you happy? Do you have any regrets?

I’m sure some people at happy at boarding school but the thought makes my blood run cold (except for very extroverted teenagers).

@WouldBeGood

I think you have to be awful to send your children to boarding school.

Eh?

@zoemum2006

I’m sure some people at happy at boarding school but the thought makes my blood run cold (except for very extroverted teenagers).

I loved it, but I was a very extroverted teenager

@Harlequin1088

I think it would depend very much on the child and what their personality is like.

My ex-husband was about 5 years old when he came downstairs one morning to find a small suitcase by the front door and was told he was going to boarding school that day. This wasn't because his family had great dreams of him becoming a high academic achiever or anything like that but was more to do with the fact that nobody wanted him (he'd been dumped on his paternal grandparents when his 16-year-old mother couldn't cope and his 28-year-old father didn't care - but that's another story).

Sadly boarding school messed him up big time (quite often the family "forgot" that he needed to be collected in the holidays) and I think contributed to his constant dabbling in drugs, heavy drinking, belligerence, rudeness, and inability to interact with the other people for extended periods of time without hugely offending them and being unable to understand why. His social skills were abysmal.

Consequently our marriage was very short-lived but in hindsight, much as I dislike the adult he became, I do feel sorry for the child that he was.

This is really sad but I would counter that it was good family that messed him up rather than boarding school per se

I loved boarding as a teen, BUT I do think it damaged my relationship with my parents a bit. They didn't make much effort to keep in touch regularly.

@Itwasquitegood

You will get lots of stories from people who loved it and lots of stories from those that hated it etc. Until you have your child/children and get to know them you won't know if they are suited to boarding school or not. I went from age 12 and really enjoyed it. My sister hated it.

Different personalities and different needs.

Just because you enjoyed something it doesn't mean your children will. Just because you hated something doesn't mean your children will. Lots of people make the mistake of parenting in reaction to their childhood (good and bad) and not parenting and meeting the needs of the actual children infront of them.

Great that you might be able to give them the option of boarding but keep an open mind about it and get as much info about the schools you are considering and the opinion of those who attended those schools - would be my advice when the time is right.

Sounds like very sensible advice to me

You wouldn't only see your children during school holidays. Lots of boarding schools have a Monday morning drop off and a Friday evening pick-up, which is a nice compromise.

Even the proper boarding boarding ones have regular exeats where you come home for the weekend.

Fine if parents and children prefer that. Personally, we want to see and spend time with our 9yo every day - and he would say exactly the same about us.

Boarding is around 15k a term

3 terms a year. That’s 45 k per child on boarding

That’s without food. Extras. Sports. Uniforms. Which is probably another 20k per child

OH went to a boarding school. Something of nightmares. Makes me wonder whysome people even have kids.

I’d be heartbroken to send my child away. If you’re going to do it at age 7 I think that’s really messed up- who bother having children?

I wouldn’t have a child with someone who would want to do boarding school. Especially if it was a wealthy family with that expectation..

The thing with boarding school on MN is you'll only get polar opinions. People who loved it and would or do send their children and people who hated it or are related to someone who hated it and wouldn't send children if they lived on the moon.
Personally I loved it most of the time, it had its downsides but all schooling has that and the things that made me unhappy would also have been there at day school (shit teachers and seemingly pointless rules largely with the odd bit of bullying). I lived in very rural Australia where you go to boarding school for secondary education so I don't have a comparison to secondary day schools but it seemed much of a muchness to me. And it meant that my time with my family was purely for pleasure. I spent my holidays farming, making cakes and jams, hanging out with my friends and learning to drive tractors, cars, bikes, quad bikes and horses (admittedly I'm making it sound more idyllic than it was but I did genuinely have a great time during those breaks).
Like others have said I think you'll get a feel roe what would suit your child as they grow and mature so don't rule anything in or out yet.

It seems strange OP that having loved boarding school from age 11 himself, your DH would want his children to have that option age 7.

My DD2 was very keen on the idea of going to boarding school at 11 to a very specific school that would mean she could take part in her hobbies during the week and as part of the school day instead of just at weekends. We can't afford the fees so she's gone to the local comprehensive. She has a number of friends who board at their schools. One started at 11 and the others (boys) at 13. All of them are currently very happy there. We often see them when they are home on exeats and DD is regularly on facetime to one of them during the evening. Their holidays are longer and they don't have homework to complete then or during exeats so when they are at home, they can be fully in home mode. At the moment, I wouldn't say any of them are any more independent than DD2 (who is 12). They don't have to manage their homework in amongst after school activities etc., travel anywhere or ever cook their own tea. They do have access to an extraordinary range of activities and opportunities that DD2 doesn't though.

I don’t think boarding schools are any worse than sending babies and children into childcare 8-6pm (or later) every day.

@dreamsarefree the girls' school that owns it now. But DC is as yet unborn (!) so may not even be a girl, and even if it is she may not suit boarding, the school may not do that any more by the time she is in year 8, or we might not be able to afford boarding by then, etc. But it's something that I'm glad I came across in case it is suitable at the time.

That documentary made me cry. It was so clear those parents had the absolute best intentions for their children, but there is a reason that the instinct of those mothers was screaming at them to scoop up their eight year olds and take them back home.

The idea of not seeing my children daily at that age just feels wrong on such a basic level. Giggling at silly things, listening to their ideas, their fears, sharing in their joy and enthusiasm for whatever they’re into that week, helping them navigate the ups and downs of friendships, dealing with after school grumpiness that gives way to tears as the day’s events come tumbling out at bed time, tucking them in myself and just being able to give then a kiss every day- I just couldn’t imagine giving that up for the world.

I really can't see why anyone would want to send away their children unless they had to.

There's a few people I know for whom boarding was better than the alternative. But those are children of people who shouldn't have had children in the first place.

It's really messed up a couple of adults I know. Men.

Yeah full time boarding at the age of 7 years old is simply not going to happen anymore- this isn't the 1950s.

Aged 11 or 13 is more like it and even then only if your child wants to, also flexi or weekly boarding is an option at many schools.

But as a previous poster said full time boarding is around £40k per year plus extras, so you may wish to take that into consideration.

7 is far too young. I used to get upset thinking 11 was too young. By 14 I thought it would be a good idea! It didnt happen!

I'm pretty sure that YouTube video is from 2009 rather than the 1990's. It was originally supposed to be based at a very different school and my family were asked to take part - DS was about to start boarding at age 10.
The school pulled out after some parental objections and I'm very glad we didn't take part in the end, mainly because the editing is designed to trigger a very specific response and we would have had no control over that.
DS did board from 10-13 then DD did likewise. My username probably gives away the reason why. They were however 20 minutes away from home and we saw them a lot.

@1dayatatime

Yeah full time boarding at the age of 7 years old is simply not going to happen anymore- this isn't the 1950s.

Aged 11 or 13 is more like it and even then only if your child wants to, also flexi or weekly boarding is an option at many schools.

But as a previous poster said full time boarding is around £40k per year plus extras, so you may wish to take that into consideration.

I don't think anywhere really offers full time boarding as such - it's always been the case that there are weekend exeats and, increasingly, flexible weekly boarding and similar. But there are still a lot of prep schools offering boarding at age 7 and 8 - these schools, for instance.

I just looked at Cheam's fees - over £7K a term for day, plus £44 a night for boarding. Plus lots of extras, and uniform etc. So around £27K per child per year. I hope your DH's pockets are deep, OP!

@choirmumoftwo I think you are right about the date of the documentary featuring April, Simone and the two other 8 year olds. It does say 2000 on YouTube but one of the Mum’s says she misses Hannah Montana being on the telly all the time. Apparently that started 2006 so you are probably right that it was around 2009. There were others in the series too I think. The attitudes of the staff seem worse in that case as I had thought that the documentary was perhaps outdated or at least more so than it probably is. April would be about 20 now then.

@choirmumoftwo I understand your point about editing to suit a narrative. I did however see in that film worrying attachment behaviours from the girls. They had unfulfilled needs for affection and looked to other parents and staff to give them physical attention. They seemed very vulnerable. I don’t think that was stitched together to present a false picture. I’m genuinely puzzled why a school would take part in this or how they would persuade parents it was a good idea.

I think that's the issue with this type of programme. It has more 'entertainment/shock' value depending on how it's edited. Perhaps the schools were quite naive in taking part.
I did watch the series at the time and felt that our lived experience of boarding would not have looked the same on TV once edited, to our detriment.
I found it very uncomfortable viewing.

Until I read the update I assumed you were confused about what ks2 is and meant ks3! 7 yo is just cruel and damaging.

Ks4 I would give it some thought if my dd really wanted to go, or maybe sixth form. Even now at 13 (so year 8) I think being away for a full half term would be too much. Maybe weekly boarding if she really wanted - she goes to her dad week on week off and tbh he’s not that emotionally available, so not that different!

All this is imagining I had the money, which I don’t!

Dp boarded, his kids did not (they could have afforded it) my dd boarded from 16 and loved it