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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - boarding school?

196 replies

marateach · 31/10/2021 21:32

My partner and I are thinking about having children soon however we have quite different ideas about their upbringing. He went to a boarding school from age 11 and loved it. He has said that if we have children he would like to give them the option to go away to boarding school from KS2 onwards.
I can’t imagine only seeing my children during school holidays!

AIBU?
If you / your children went to boarding school, were they / you happy? Do you have any regrets?

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 31/10/2021 23:02

I would not marry anyone who mooted this

almahart · 31/10/2021 23:02

I come from a long line of boarding school survivors and my brother went at 11. Absolutely no way would any child of mine go. Very close friends of mine are military and sent their DCs from aged 9. Their oldest is now in late teens and is very angry with them.

MargaretThursday · 31/10/2021 23:06

I know a variety of people who boarded, and the vast majority are in the band of it was okay to absolutely loved it.

My cousins were army, and for two of them it was brilliant, and the one stable thing as they moved around. The third hated it and they stopped boarding quite quickly.
I do know a number of people who asked to board, and loved it. They described it as a sleepover every night

Of my dc, one would have coped, but would have found it quite stressful, one would have loved it, one would have hated it. Children are different, so wait and see what yours say.

BernieBaby · 31/10/2021 23:06

Just because you enjoyed something it doesn't mean your children will. Just because you hated something doesn't mean your children will

And I'd add to this that just because you enjoy or enjoyed something doesn't mean it was necessarily good for you.

My honest opinion is that sending your dc away to board is, in most cases, a sign that something is wrong. All this talk of dc 'choosing' it - what rubbish. Children need family, they need close bonds with their caregivers (yes even teens at 13/14 etc).

No secure, happy, well adjusted 11 year old is chomping at the bit to essentially leave home, live elsewhere and be raised by strangers. And no responsible, well-adjusted parent is chomping at the bit to send them away.

almahart · 31/10/2021 23:07

Just remembered too that my second cousins both left an extremely high profile public school in a hurry after one had a serious breakdown in his teens. That was in the 80s. I am sure things are different now in some ways but the fundamentals, children being looked after by people who however good at their jobs they are, don't love them hasn't changed.

I started watching the documentary a PP posted just now and it made me cry. So upsetting.

Restzol · 31/10/2021 23:07

How does this work in the military? Is it subsidised? Subsidised for certain ranks? Boarding is so incredibly expensive especially for more than one child.

LongDarkTeatime · 31/10/2021 23:08

I went to boarding school and loved it.
But as others have said KS2 is too young (unless it’s absolutely necessary and better than being in an unhelpful home).
Even KS3 it’s not right for everyone. For me it was my choice. There’s a good chance your DH may change his mind once his kids exist meaning he’d actually have to miss them rather than projecting his past experiences onto an imaginary future child.

Biscuitsneeded · 31/10/2021 23:09

@Restzol I think April's older brother summed it up really. On the surface he appears to be coping well, declining home visits in favour of weekends at school etc. But then he explains it's because it's too painful to see his mum and have to go through the upset of saying goodbye again, so he just doesn't go home. And there's the emotional stunting and repression of legitimate sadness right there. He seems to be a 'success story' but is he really? The scene where Lottie's mother visits and April is desperately trying to hug her is just awful, as is the one where she bonds with the gap year student who talks of how her mother never came for her. I agree, I wish there could be a follow-up documentary now which asks them as adults how they feel boarding has shaped them - negatively or positively.

LongDarkTeatime · 31/10/2021 23:10

@Restzol
Yes, at least it used to be subsidised for forces children. There was a sliding scale if subsidy depending on rank so that dictated which school you could afford.

Restzol · 31/10/2021 23:10

And what about bullying? The misery of being bullied or even being a bit peripheral in friendships groups must be profound when you don’t even get to go home at night.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 31/10/2021 23:11

If you are really against it you need to be really firm from the outset. My husband went to boarding school, from age 7 as his parents lived overseas. He says he loved that age, the prep school but he hated his senior one.

Anyways fast forward to us. Our 3 all board but can come home any weekend they want (varies what they want depending on what is going on at school or at home). The younger two also often come home one night a week, one for sport training locally and the other to see her boyfriend and the dogs that she misses. I have got used to it and there are some advantages to it but overall it would not be my first choice. They are pretty happy for the most part, I think I am the one in the family who finds it the hardest but my husband also is away most of the time so I am on my own with the dogs and my thoughts often.

I do love not having to cook dinner every night though, I love not having to turf them out of bed in the morning, I love that I don't have to supervise homework, I love not having to make packed lunches, I love that I don't have to do a school run (although they could take a bus or walk to school). I love how great at packing they are. I love how self sufficient and independent they have become.

I hate the day before they go back after a holiday. I get very sad and emotional for one day always. I hate that it is easier not to ring them if I am missing them as it does make me miss them more. I hate that they cannot get Saturday jobs. I miss taking them to afterschool clubs. I hate taking them back on a Sunday night if they have come home for the weekend.

Platax · 31/10/2021 23:15

Having been to boarding school myself, there is no way in hell I would have sent my children there. I didn't hate it, but I have vivid memories of the utter misery of homesickness, and of feeling alone in a crowd because there's no-one there who loves you like your Mum does. I couldn't bear to think of my children going through that for no good reason. I don't see any benefit in boarding - when it came to university, people who had never been away from home before coped perfectly fine.

Restzol · 31/10/2021 23:15

@Biscuitsneeded yes, they were the two scenes that broke my heart. My eight year old went from being a not overly affectionate or needy toddler (no comfort items what so ever) to a very demonstrative little boy around 5/6 and at 8 his need for hugs and affection (and soft toys) is more than it ever was as a toddler. The thought of packing him off is just dreadful.

Platax · 31/10/2021 23:18

@KikoLemons

Both my kids loved it. V happy. Got sick of stupid people who can't think further than their own narrow experience and assume that anything difference is evil.

The number of people in awful relationships, kids who
had "evil" mothers/ fathers; kids who can't make a succesful relationship with a partner, lazy fuckers, criminals, men who treat women like shit... etc etc . And yet "the family" is supposed to be the best place to raise kids?? We might all be better off if more kids boarded.

That's a bit of an indictment - effectively you're saying that boarding school mainly works when people's home circumstances are shit.
Kanaloa · 31/10/2021 23:19

No it wouldn’t work for me whatsoever. And I think those saying he’s only ‘giving the option’ aren’t exactly making it any better.

For a child or seven, I think ‘options’ are what shoes they will wear/what they will have for snack. Seven year olds shouldn’t be a voice in huge decisions like living away from their parents at boarding school - they just don’t have the ability to comprehend big decisions like that.

Original poster
marateach · 31/10/2021 23:19

Thanks all. My OH understands and respects my views (based on my own upbringing and experiences) and I understand and respect his too. I wouldn’t have children with him if I felt that he wouldn’t put their happiness first.

For me, boarding at KS2 is a definite no apart from a few exceptional reasons that previous posters have mentioned.

As a side note - I’ve been a primary school teacher for almost 10 years (KS1+2) so I’m quite familiar with what 7 year olds are like Smile

OP posts:
Restzol · 31/10/2021 23:20

@LongDarkTeatime thanks for the explanation.

WouldBeGood · 31/10/2021 23:25

I think you have to be awful to send your children to boarding school.

Namenic · 31/10/2021 23:26

I went at 11 - enjoyed it and am grateful for the opportunity - I felt well looked after, didn’t really get homesick. Would I send my kids?

Well the cost has gone up exponentially since I was there - so if we had the money for it, that would probably be the equivalent of a house deposit (which would probably be more helpful to the kids in the long term). In addition I would worry a bit about them having harmful peer influences without me knowing.

It’s not an all-or-nothing. You can talk to your child as they grow up - about how they feel about it. And if they go and don’t like it - then take them out!

XelaM · 31/10/2021 23:27

The other brilliant documentary about boarding at KS2 was about Sunningdale. It was called "Britain's Youngest Boarders". It was brilliant, but I can no longer find it on YouTube

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/10/2021 23:29

Part of the problem here is that you are both coming to this from your own experience. His view is based on the fact that he only went to boarding school and loved it. If he had gone and hated it then he would be of the view that they should never go.

You didnt go and dont feel that you missed out. Equally, if you had hated your schooling and wished you could have gone away you would feel differently.

I think PP's have it right that you should agree to leave both options open and that ultimately the decision should be left until senior school (13 for private I believe?) and taken with each individual childs opinion foremost in the process.

Also dont forget that the cost will be £££££ in 12/13 years or so, its not exactly cheap now, so unless you have a nice be wodge of savings enough to cover several sets of fees, you cant be sure that by that point you will be able to afford it. Take into account house moves, job changes, health issues that may affect working ability etc and you may have no choice but go state.

XelaM · 31/10/2021 23:34

It's often said that military families should naturally send their kids to boarding school for "stability". Well, my parents are not in the military, but during my childhood they moved countries six times (also for work) and have always taken me and my brother with them. Changing schools (and at times having to learn new languages) wasn't ideal, but only in my worst nightmares can I imagine having to split from my family and be sent away to board. My family was the "stability", even when we moved, I was always around my family who loved me. Moving has also given me lots of brilliant skills (language skills being just one) which have served me very well in my career

Skysblue · 31/10/2021 23:35

No way. A close friend of mine was badly abused at his boarding school. All kinds of abuse, staff involved etc. It is a very prestigious boarding school with excellent reputation.

My child will stay where I can protect him or at least check in with him on a daily basis, at least until he’s old enough to physically protect himself.

Plus what is the point of having children if you rarely see them?

Your partner is being ignorant.

XelaM · 31/10/2021 23:47

If someone gor a dog only to send him away to live in a boarding facility and only see him on occasion, people would be up in arms about it, but it's somehow ok for kids

XelaM · 31/10/2021 23:47

got*