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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - boarding school?

196 replies

marateach · 31/10/2021 21:32

My partner and I are thinking about having children soon however we have quite different ideas about their upbringing. He went to a boarding school from age 11 and loved it. He has said that if we have children he would like to give them the option to go away to boarding school from KS2 onwards.
I can’t imagine only seeing my children during school holidays!

AIBU?
If you / your children went to boarding school, were they / you happy? Do you have any regrets?

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 31/10/2021 22:25

The issue isn’t boarding school it’s the two of you having quite different ideas about their up ringing that’s the problem. I’d think very carefully about having kids in that circumstance

OverTheRubicon · 31/10/2021 22:29

Look up Boarding School Syndrome. Some kids come out of it very happy (not usually ones who went in KS2 though), but many don't - especially kids who are different from the norm, or bad at sports, or just unlucky, and end up having to live with the children who bully or ignore them, and far away from their parents.

DeepaBeesKit · 31/10/2021 22:29

It wouldn't be an option for me. You dont give an 8 year old the responsibility of making that choice. I wouldn't be happy giving my children the option of living away from me until much older - 6th form really.

MiddleParking · 31/10/2021 22:30

Over my dead body would I have kids with someone who even floated the possibility of sending a child that age to live away from their parents. Before it’s even conceived as well. Grim.

esloquehay · 31/10/2021 22:31

My Mum went from the age of 7.
She was totally fucked up by the experience.

DeepaBeesKit · 31/10/2021 22:32

Ps I say that as the child of a parent who boarded from 11 and would say they "loved it" but also that they would never send any of their own children, and also has quite a few clear hallmarks of boarding school syndrome.

MerryPumpkinmas · 31/10/2021 22:34

@MiddleParking

Over my dead body would I have kids with someone who even floated the possibility of sending a child that age to live away from their parents. Before it’s even conceived as well. Grim.
That's rather extreme - from his perspective, he loved it and and wants his child to have the same great experience as he did, which isn't so wrong. And he said he wants to give the option, not force them.
Rosebel · 31/10/2021 22:38

I know 4 people who went to boarding school and they all hated it. My cousin is in her 50s now and she still hasn't forgiven her parents for sending her to boarding school so I'm probably biased.
My children drive me to distraction at times but I couldn't send them to boarding school. Even certain royals have delayed their children starting boarding school.

Backtomyoldname · 31/10/2021 22:40

My DW was an army child and like many of those was sent to boarding school at 9.

She would have been strongly against any of our children being sent to one. Not that we ever considered it. . (And she didn’t have a particularly bad time there)

It didn’t do her mum much good. Her Mum didn’t really want them to go but its just what you did then. Most of their army friends did the same.
Their relationship always had an elephant or two in the room because of this. Usually the elephants were quiet but there nevertheless.

You need to think carefully as to why you are considering this - what may have suited your husband doesn't automatically mean it will suit his children. Rose tinted spectacles may also feature in his thoughts?

tickledtiger · 31/10/2021 22:41

I know one man who went to boarding school and he hated it so much he won’t talk about it. Otherwise he is a great guy, professional, seemingly balanced person etc.

purpleflowerlegs · 31/10/2021 22:44

You have no idea what children you may have, there are so many variables.

My DH went private all through school and boarded for secondary and loved it. Wanted it for our kids (I didn't).

My son is an only (not through choice) and is autistic and goes to a SEN school. So all that discussion before he was born was irrelevant!

Just wait and see which way the cards fall first.

sillylittlepetal · 31/10/2021 22:44

Does your dh realise how expensive it is. Boarding is a lot more expensive than it used to be so you may find it won't work out for you.

My dc loves loves boarding but is only flexi boarding now. I think you know if it would suit your dc.

lioncitygirl · 31/10/2021 22:44

Works for some, not others. My husband went to one very early. Worked for him. Won’t work for my kids.

nc777 · 31/10/2021 22:45

As PP have said, from age 11 you'll know if they want to board and whether it would suit that particular child's personality.

XelaM · 31/10/2021 22:45

@Biscuitsneeded I love that documentary, but it’s so heart-wrenching and I was at times screaming at the TV to tell the parents “Nooo don’t do it!”

bizboz · 31/10/2021 22:45

It would be a non-negotiable issue for me and I would have to spell it out at this stage that I would definitely not send any children to boarding school. Best to find out now if that's something he's not willing to compromise on.

Ann51abc · 31/10/2021 22:47

I think have conversation nearer the time. He might change mind when he actually has kids

Cheesecakeandwine · 31/10/2021 22:53

Boarding school and a positive outcome is very much based on the personality that your child has. We boarded our eldest (his choice) from 13 and he truly did love it. I can absolutely say hand on my heart it would not be the right option for any of our other children and we would never ever force it.

Pallisers · 31/10/2021 22:54

a boarding school guy I went to uni with said to me "boarding school can be either the best thing or the worst thing in a kid's life"

Wouldn't want to risk it myself. Also that the school was the best think in my child's life? I would hope that wouldn't be so.

I really liked having my children at home with me. I might have considered it if one wanted it for high school (age 14 here) but even then ...

Is KS2 really aged 7? are you seriously thinking of having children with someone who thinks 7 year olds could go to boarding school? Have either of you spent any time with 7 year olds? I think maybe you are both young and maybe OP you are dazzled a bit by this guy's background.

dreamsarefree · 31/10/2021 22:56

@MerryPumpkinmas do you mean the boys' school that previously owned it or the girls' school that has taken over the French chateau? It's a great opportunity but can't say it's worth going full boarding for.

Anyway, most boarding schools have so many exeat weekends and such long holidays you would easily have the DC at home for almost as many days/nights in a year as for being there. It does work for some families (not at 8 obviously)

Restzol · 31/10/2021 22:57

@Biscuitsneeded wow! That Youtube link was a blast from the past. I remember watching it at the time and now I have an 8 year old of my own. There were so many things that concerned me. The lack of acknowledgment for the legitimacy of the children’s feelings, the impatience of one of the staff members with the parents and their pesky disruptive phone calls to the children, the over attachment of children to staff members and other parents who were visiting their own offspring. One Mum arrived and two girls were hugging her - I couldn’t tell which was actually hers. Both obviously needed a mum figure there to embrace. The children seemed to crave physical contact. They seemed so vulnerable. Losing the need for the parents seemed to be classed as success where as to me losing the need is the tragedy. And the safe guarding… would a male housemaster be last in at night first in in the morning, of a girl’s bedroom now? Maybe I’m a soft touch but my boy couldn’t wash his own hair (properly) or sort his own clothes or cut his nails or take care of his own health needs. Who has oversight of all that with 8 year old boarders?

I think that film is over 20 years old now - I’d love to see what happened to Lottie, April, Simone and her twin.

KikoLemons · 31/10/2021 22:57

Both my kids loved it. V happy. Got sick of stupid people who can't think further than their own narrow experience and assume that anything difference is evil.

The number of people in awful relationships, kids who
had "evil" mothers/ fathers; kids who can't make a succesful relationship with a partner, lazy fuckers, criminals, men who treat women like shit... etc etc . And yet "the family" is supposed to be the best place to raise kids?? We might all be better off if more kids boarded.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 31/10/2021 22:59

Age 7 not even a discussion

age 11 no way

Age 13 possible flexi boarding or weekly if they really wanted to

Age 16. Absolutely, why not.

LuaDipa · 31/10/2021 23:00

I’m assuming he’s forces? My kids go to an independent (they are day) and aside from the odd international student, the only KS2 boarders were forces. Most start Y7 - Y9 which is a far more sensible age.

WouldBeGood · 31/10/2021 23:01

Absolutely no way. I went to boarding school. It was grim.

I have my own children and cannot even imagine sending them off to be cared for by people who don’t love them.

Never mind the distance it causes between parents and children. I feel I’ve been out on my own in the world since I was eleven.

Please do not even consider this.

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