Husband won’t take time off for sick child

[Exhausted111]

AIBU?? Our son has tested positive for covid so needs to isolate for 10 days. Both me and my husband work, him full-time and me part-time (Monday/Tuesday). I’m a teacher so don’t have access to holiday days. My mum who normally does childcare for us is also positive for covid.

My son’s isolation will hit both my work days for this week and next. I think we should both take two days off - one of us this week, one of us next. My husband seems to think I should do it all. My headteacher is very reasonable but understandably likes to see that we’re taking turns in time off for sick children.

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun as if this is my doing, and I can’t help but feel he’s being utterly childish and selfish. I believe I’ve brought this on myself because I’ve fallen into the ‘part-time’ trap of working outside the home yet still taking on all the responsibilities as if I were a stay at home mum so now this situation has arisen, he can’t believe he’s being asked to take time off work. I 100% cannot see this from his point if view at all, can anybody help me she’d light on why he this I this is reasonable?!

OP - I agree with you. No marriage is perfect and sometimes those that never shout and hold hands when they walk down the street are actually in much worse marriages than those who shout. My parents have been married for over 40 years and are absolutely best friends, are completely on the same wavelength and they genuinely do not enjoy spending time with anyone else as they do with each other (they are also both very interesting people). However, they do at times shout and swear! It doesn't mean anyone is getting abused or children are suffering I have had the best childhood with the most loving parents and we are still extremely close. But ours was never a "quiet" house

My grandpa was also an army doctor (and held a very high rank in the Soviet army) during World War II. He was at Stalingrad and had physically dragged wounded off battlefields (he had many many medals) and a bomb had exploded close to him. He was a real life hero and an amazing grandapa, but he was mentally scarred from the war and could definitely fly off the handle at times. He was an amazing person despite his occasional (verbal) temper

I have PTSD. I don't scream and shout and fly off the handle at people. Nor has the issue come up in my counselling.

My ex DH however screamed, shouted at me then moved on to the kids then became violent to me and one of the kids. Then claimed it was only due to mental health issues. It wasn't. He was and still is an abuser

I'm sorry but you sound like you're making excuses for him.

Sorry OP but if you're strong enough to deal with an aggressive man because he has PTSD I don't think you'd be sat crying because of some strangers comments on the internet.

No marriage is perfect, I'm afraid we argue sometimes and occasionally even swear.
Just being honest.
We always apologise and talk it through though and model dealing with conflict for our son.

Your opening post said that he was screaming at you, calling you every name under the sun because you needed him to look after his own kid for 2 days whilst you went to your work.

You also then went on to say that he reckons you have yourself to blame for working part time in a job outside the house - which he sees as a 'trap'.

The screaming sounded abusive, the second part is also emotional abuse.

I don't understand how you are angry at people for pointing this out when you asked?

@Exhausted111

Please, define ‘abuse’ in your eyes. I’m genuinely interested to know. And if you could also tell me where you all found such seemingly perfect men who never lose their tempers? And I assume you are also all perfect and never lose your tempers either? Or are you all single, waiting for a man who offers a level of perfection you yourselves do not possess?

I am a wonderful mother, my children are wonderful children, who in my opinion know the true meaning and love, warts and all. As a teacher I deal day in day out with children who do not have the benefit of the parenting that I and my husband offer our children. But sometimes we have disagreements. And sometimes my husband has mental health issues (which tend to manifest themselves in nightmares and him not getting out of bed) and sometimes he is just plain unreasonable because he’s just being a bit of a ‘dick’. And I dare say sometimes I am the same. But, hey, what I call balanced thinking, you call denial. Burn all men. Let’s agree to disagree.

Abuse? Losing your temper at the thought you might need to look after your own child. Verbally abusing your wife. Within earshot of your children (unless they are profoundly Deaf, they will have heard it to add to their Christmas experience, as will the neighbours). Convincing your wife it's all because you're a Hero.

The perfect man doesn't exist. But I do think my grandfather came close. He had shell shock as it was called then. He was in WWI looking after the horses aged 16. Mentioned in dispatches.Got gassed, went to hospital, went back. Lost part of his skull and was fished out from under pieces of horse in no man's land by the Germans, patched up by them, sent home after 9 months in a POW camp. Followed it up with a job as an ARP in WWII where he had to dig his own daughter out of the ruins of their home.

He never raised his voice. He never touched his wife, children, his stepchildren or animals harshly. Never slept all night and was a wreck with fireworks after two world wars. He didn't seem to feel the need to terrify or overwhelm anybody after all that. Except for one employee where he worked at a stables in the 20s who thrashed a horse until it was half dead and scarred for life. Beat the absolute shit out of him.

There is no excuse for what happened to you.

I’m an ex army wife, I’ve met a lot of women like you. Vicarious heroism comes to mind.
Mine also served in Iraq and Afghanistan, he also had PTSD. No one gets a gold star just for marrying some bloke in the army and then putting up with his shit. He should be getting treatment for his PTSD, same as anyone else.

And if you could also tell me where you all found such seemingly perfect men who never lose their tempers? And I assume you are also all perfect and never lose your tempers either

We both lose our tempers from time to time, we bicker and argue once in a while. What we have never done is screamed at each other over a minor request, nor have we ever called each other a name, let alone every name under the sun.

The MN hive mind has very black and white thinking when it comes to what it deems "abuse".

OP said he screamed at her and called her every name under the sun, then drip fed to say, no, no, he has PTSD so it’s ok that he does that. Only latterly did she say it was once in a blue moon and actually nothing to do with his PTSD really. Her first two examples were definitely on the abusive scale.

My husband and I have had many times where there's been shouting and name calling and things said in anger.

I hope there aren’t children witnessing it. That’s not a good example for them to see.

I don't know many coupes irl who haven't.

You’ve witnessed other couples name calling?

One couple I knew "never argued" but their relationship was very strange and he ended up leaving her having had an affair.

This means nothing. You can’t extrapolate and say couples who don’t argue will split because of an affair.

People seem to have a real warped view of what a healthy relationship with another adult is.

OP , you ask us not to call him a bad father , but simply, he shouted and 'screamed' at you because you asked him to take two days off to look after his sick child.

Does that make him a good father?

You’d make a safeguarding referral based on what I have said?!

Children should be able to live in a house free of abuse.
He is abusive, I would not be proud of him.

My husband gave 12 years of his life to bring the rest of us the national safety we enjoy today by fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, and I am immensely proud of him and what he has contributed to humankind.

All he's contributed to humankind? . Not in my name!

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun

This is abusive. It doesn't ever happen in a healthy relationship. Bickering and raised voices sometimes, sure.

Shouting, screaming and name calling (awful names by the sound of it) over a reasonable request? Nope. That is abusive.

The MN hive mind has very black and white thinking when it comes to what it deems "abuse".

I don't think that's true, otherwise there wouldn't be so many disagreements about it on here. I'm not sure that the label 'abuse' is always very helpful though, because it can encourage a woman to feel that she needs her partner's behaviour to meet some kind of criteria in order to qualify it as abuse and therefore justify her leaving him. Whereas actually, it's fine to end a relationship if you are unhappy in it for whatever reason. And there are plenty of behaviours or actions which are worth ending a relationship over, whether they 'count' as abuse or not.

The OP's husband's behaviour sounds unreasonable and frankly a bit frightening. If it were me, the fact that he fought in Iraq and Afghanistan would not make me even a tiny bit more prepared to put up with his behaviour, and I would be very worried about children being brought up by such a volatile man.

I think many people see abuse as either sexual or physical. As a teacher the OP will have done many safeguarding courses (which although relating to children) will highlight that there are many other forms of abuse

It's sad you honestly think most partners shout and name call at each other. I've never had a relationship with any man who did that.

Ok, to put is into context a bit, and hopefully educate a bit as I do so. My husband gave 12 years of his life to bring the rest of us the national safety we enjoy today by fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, and I am immensely proud of him and what he has contributed to humankind.

Wow, they really got you to drink that Kool-Aid.

Abuse is not acceptable from soldiers, please don't listen to their propaganda that it is.

Your husband screaming and shouting is unacceptable.

My DH and I pro-rate days off for kids based on how much we work, other wise it falls disproportionately on me.

My husband gave 12 years of his life to bring the rest of us the national safety we enjoy today by fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, and I am immensely proud of him and what he has contributed to humankind

You sound quite delusional.

It's OK for him to bully you, because he served in the army (which was his choice)

Try this explanation with your HT and see how that goes ("My DH won't take time off as he has PTSD from saving this country")

Really concerns me that women should think it’s OK for men to abuse them - verbally or otherwise- because they’ve served in the military

I’d be terrified living with a man who clearly can’t control his temper and is trained to kill people

Sounds like you'd be better off single. You'd be doing all the same, without being shouted and screamed at.
You deserve better.
To answer your question, yes it should be 50/50.

Ah. Rtft now. Never mind, you're ignoring all the advice.