Husband won’t take time off for sick child

[Exhausted111]

AIBU?? Our son has tested positive for covid so needs to isolate for 10 days. Both me and my husband work, him full-time and me part-time (Monday/Tuesday). I’m a teacher so don’t have access to holiday days. My mum who normally does childcare for us is also positive for covid.

My son’s isolation will hit both my work days for this week and next. I think we should both take two days off - one of us this week, one of us next. My husband seems to think I should do it all. My headteacher is very reasonable but understandably likes to see that we’re taking turns in time off for sick children.

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun as if this is my doing, and I can’t help but feel he’s being utterly childish and selfish. I believe I’ve brought this on myself because I’ve fallen into the ‘part-time’ trap of working outside the home yet still taking on all the responsibilities as if I were a stay at home mum so now this situation has arisen, he can’t believe he’s being asked to take time off work. I 100% cannot see this from his point if view at all, can anybody help me she’d light on why he this I this is reasonable?!

I'm confused what you wanted from this thread OP!

OP: My husband's a dick

MN: Yes, yes he is!

OP: How dare you say that! He's a Hero and everything is wonderful!

I agree.
She’s probably just an attention seeker.

@WonderfulYou

I'm confused what you wanted from this thread OP!

OP: My husband's a dick

MN: Yes, yes he is!

OP: How dare you say that! He's a Hero and everything is wonderful!

I agree.
She’s probably just an attention seeker.

It in denial. I was in this place with my abusive husband. Took a long time for me to accept his behaviour as abusive.

It's normal unfortunately

*or in denial

Your husband is a saint and 100% correct at all times so you should never question him, is that what you wanted MN to say?

You're making a huge leap, OP. Nobody is saying "burn all men". Nobody is saying their marriage is perfect, or that their partner is perfect.

What countless people are saying is that it is not normal to be in a relationship where shouting and swearing and "screaming" (as you used the word yourself) are used as a means to communicate.

My XH, as I said, thought it was normal. I didn't want my children to think it was normal, so gave him too many chances to change his behaviour. When he couldn't change it - despite being able to behave perfectly well at work etc - I left him. My dad didn't behave like this; I was certainly not going to be married to a man who did, and my children were absolutely not going to be exposed to it on a daily basis.

Would you honestly want your children to go into their own relationships thinking it's normal to shout and swear at their partners?

Your husband's experiences may explain his behaviour, but they don't begin to excuse it. And you are playing an equally sorry role too, by minimising what your children are experiencing.

You’d make a safeguarding referral based on what I have said?! Or based on what everyone else in this thread has presumed and insinuated is going on in my household? Be careful.

This was my first, and last, experience of Mumsnet. Luckily I have people in my life who know me, know my husband, and know what they are talking about. There are a lot of keyboard warriors here.

Op shouting and swearing is an absolute no in my relationship. I'm sorry you've been conditioned to accept it and that your husband sees you as his support human and personal child minder.

I loved with any ex soldier for 10 years. Funnily enough he used to shout and swear at me. Then it went to hitting me and then it went worse.

Amazingly he managed to not shout, swear at or hit anyone at work though. Just little old me behind closed doors ..... very convenient

@Exhausted111

Yes, I would make a safeguarding referral if a patient was verbally abusing his wife whilst the children were in their care at the property.

Sadly @TracyBeakerSoYeah is right and sadly I think you’ll realise too late when your children think this is an acceptable dynamic in a relationship.

Please step away for a bit and then come back and as I say please go to some alternative sources about what constitutes abuse in a relationship- clearly the sources you have are putting your husbands interests over you and your children’s.

@Exhausted111

You’d make a safeguarding referral based on what I have said?! Or based on what everyone else in this thread has presumed and insinuated is going on in my household? Be careful.

This was my first, and last, experience of Mumsnet. Luckily I have people in my life who know me, know my husband, and know what they are talking about. There are a lot of keyboard warriors here.

Yep, back into your ‘Army Wives’ echo chamber, where abuse is normalised.

Everyone has disagreements, we were bickering about glasses left on the floor today, no voices were raised, no one was sworn at, no one was called names. We just both verbally expressed what was annoying us while having grumpy faces, then got on with our day.

Based on what you have said in your own posts, OP - yes, I would. And if your children were to recount any of this to a teacher (because they will know far more than you think they do, and they are too young to understand any of the background, even if it excused this behaviour), I think they would feel obliged to take it further.

I agree with those who suggest you leave the thread alone for now and then re-read it when you're feeling less upset and attacked.

@Killeen

**Being regularly sworn at isn't part of living with an adult who is talking responsibility for managing their PTSD.

You are being abused, bringing your dc up in an abusive household and normalizing it.**

As a psychiatrist with experience in PTSD and family therapy I agree.

This is clearly hard to hear for you but you need to name this behaviour to him as being abusive. He needs to realise that.
He may well have trouble for regulating his emotions and anger but he needs to take responsibility for this- he needs to work on coping strategies that work for you all. Things like- when he gets angry before he reaches the stage of being totally out of control could he go upstairs, stick his head in cold water and activate his ‘divers reflex’ and take 10 minutes to control his breathing?

No mental health problem is a justification for a abusive behaviour. NONE. Yes, I’m sure he is suffering but it does not make it excusable or justifiable to abuse you.

If I was involved in his care and I’d been told this story I’d be making a carer support referral for you, offering you DV charity support and making a children’s safeguarding referral. It is that serious.

This. I also work in the field and the two things - PTSD and shouting and swearing at family - are not inevitably linked. A lot of people use MH as an excuse for bad behaviour but even very psychotic people are rarely abusive.

But ‘daily basis’ is a bit of a leap. He shouted and screamed today. I was so upset I posted on her for the first time in my life. The last time he shouted and screamed was around Christmas last year. And before that I can’t remember. Maybe my standards aren’t as high as yours, but I’m not going to have people describe me as a bad mum. Or my husband a bad father. It’s just not fair and just not accurate. I’m even having people suggest my children should have social services involved. It’s insane. Professionally I’ve had many dealing with SS and not for a dad shouting at his wife twice a year.

Anyway I’m currently hid in the bathroom crying my eyes out about all your cruel comments, whilst my husband is reading the kids the next chapter of Harry Potter. ‘Attention seeker’, ‘bad mum’, ‘selfish’, ‘ODFOD’ (which I had to look up, but isn’t a nice thing), the list goes on. This place is the dark side of the Internet. I hope you’ve got the self-satisfaction you’re looking for by looking down your nose at me.

A man verbally abusing the mother of his children is a bad father, good parents don’t subject others to abuse.

It really is that simple, if you want to be in a relationship with an abuser or bring your children up in a home where abuse is normal fine, but don’t expect others to approve of your choices.

He sounds like a complete arsehole, sorry OP. He sounds like the sort of person that calls watching his own kids 'babysitting'

Just saw your last message OP, sorry the comments have upset you. Sometimes I post here and feel the same but then I remind myself people don't know me - so it's quite easy for them to fire quick insults. Don't take it personally.

Sending you hugs

Of course DH and I lose our tempers occasionally, but not about day to day stuff like caring for a sick child and not to the extent that we scream and swear at each other or call each other names. Yes, we disagree and get annoyed with each other at times, but verbal abuse is not a normal response to this.

You seem to have normalised your DH's behaviour. On the one hand, you are excusing it on the grounds of his military service and ptsd, and on the other hand you seem to be suggesting that a bit of screaming and swearing over disagreements is normal in most relationships. I'm not sure which of these you think is true or whether you're just clutching at any old straw to make sense of his behaviour.

It's hard to acknowledge that someone close to you is abusive. I get that. It's easier to pretend that it's normal, or that he can't help it because of what he has been through. Because the alternative is that you will have to do something about it, and that's quite scary. You don't have to live like this unless you choose to do so. Maybe you think you're happy to put up with it, but please do think about the longer term impact on your children of living with someone who is so unable/unwilling to control his emotional reactions. Do you really want them growing up thinking that this behaviour is normal?

OP, you said he "flies off the handle in a way that many men don't " and "I am so used to talking to other army wives who go through the same and get it that I do sometimes forget that other people are shocked at the idea of their husband swearing or shouting at them."

These are the sort of comments that have given people the impression that your DH has a short fuse and that you have normalised being shouted at and called names, and are surrounded by other wives who are also normalising it.
PPs are pointing out that the fact that other wives experience it and he has MH problems doesn't make it OK.

He does fly off the handle in a way that other men don’t, yes this made it seem like it was a regular occurrence. And he shouldn't fly off the handle when he's just been asked to look after his own kids. I'm sorry you are upset by the comments. I think most of them come from a place of concern.

We’ve argued and lost our temper, thrown around swear words occasionally - so far from a perfect couple. You said ^“shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun” over the matter of childcare for your sick son. That’s not normal, even as a one-off. I hope you can one day see that you deserve better.

He shouted, he swore and he called me some names in an argument.

In 20 years of being with dh we’ve had the occasional argument but never had he called me names.

I would be clear that I’d cover 2 days and dh needs to cover 2 - he can choose which. I wouldn’t budge on that. Why would my job be less important than his? But then dh and I have always shared childcare for sickness. Some posters are being unkind but it’s hard to hear a woman minimising a man calling her names. If you have a future together it’s up to you whether you’ll stay on these terms or if you’ll tackle this and reset the boundaries of your relationship.

@AlexaShutUp

Of course DH and I lose our tempers occasionally, but not about day to day stuff like caring for a sick child and not to the extent that we scream and swear at each other or call each other names. Yes, we disagree and get annoyed with each other at times, but verbal abuse is not a normal response to this.

You seem to have normalised your DH's behaviour. On the one hand, you are excusing it on the grounds of his military service and ptsd, and on the other hand you seem to be suggesting that a bit of screaming and swearing over disagreements is normal in most relationships. I'm not sure which of these you think is true or whether you're just clutching at any old straw to make sense of his behaviour.

It's hard to acknowledge that someone close to you is abusive. I get that. It's easier to pretend that it's normal, or that he can't help it because of what he has been through. Because the alternative is that you will have to do something about it, and that's quite scary. You don't have to live like this unless you choose to do so. Maybe you think you're happy to put up with it, but please do think about the longer term impact on your children of living with someone who is so unable/unwilling to control his emotional reactions. Do you really want them growing up thinking that this behaviour is normal?

This is a sensible and well balanced post. I waited too long to leave my husband - partly because I couldn't get my mind round the idea that his 'fly off the handle' behaviour was anything other than at the 'bad' end of normal - and the children were already damaged by then. I deeply regret it now.

OP, i haven't read the whole thread, but my impression is that most people are concerned for you and your situation, not that they are looking down on you.
sorry you are upset.

Most people here aren't trying to upset you, OP. They can just see more clearly than you that this isn't a healthy dynamic, and that given what you've said, you aren't able to see quite how abnormal it is.

I don't think you're a bad mum. I think your husband is being a bad husband, potentially regularly. And that reading your interpretation of events is quite sad.

I hope you're okay, and I really hope we're all wrong. But from your version of events, this isn't alright, and people here have got all sorts experience, lived or having seen it first hand or having seen the countless threads on here where someone defends behaviour they thought was normal, of seeing someone be unable to recognise the situation they're in.

It might be harsh (and no disagreement from me that MN can be an absolute cesspit at times!) but in this case I think it's broadly meant as tough love.