Husband won’t take time off for sick child

[Exhausted111]

AIBU?? Our son has tested positive for covid so needs to isolate for 10 days. Both me and my husband work, him full-time and me part-time (Monday/Tuesday). I’m a teacher so don’t have access to holiday days. My mum who normally does childcare for us is also positive for covid.

My son’s isolation will hit both my work days for this week and next. I think we should both take two days off - one of us this week, one of us next. My husband seems to think I should do it all. My headteacher is very reasonable but understandably likes to see that we’re taking turns in time off for sick children.

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun as if this is my doing, and I can’t help but feel he’s being utterly childish and selfish. I believe I’ve brought this on myself because I’ve fallen into the ‘part-time’ trap of working outside the home yet still taking on all the responsibilities as if I were a stay at home mum so now this situation has arisen, he can’t believe he’s being asked to take time off work. I 100% cannot see this from his point if view at all, can anybody help me she’d light on why he this I this is reasonable?!

If sounds like he needs to re-engage with his mental health support and psychiatrist and look into medication adjustment and additional therapy if a simple request to split care of a sick child triggers him. Your children may have been outside but children have excellent hearing and can sniff out tension in the home like a bloodhound so sadly I think you are deluding yourself that it isn't affecting them

I have really complex PTSD and I have never shouted or sworn at my spouse. Ever.

OP, I do not care if he is some kind of superhero who saved the whole world and every living thing on it. There is no excuse for his behavior, none whatsoever. There are plenty of us here on the forum with PTSD who manage not to treat others like dirt under our shoe.

As for your children being in the garden? They know. They probably even heard some of the shouting through close doors and windows. Children are very attuned to the relationship dynamic that exist between their parents. Believe me, they know exactly how things stand between you and your husband.

If you're fine with the shouting then why even mention it..

@Exhausted111

And at no point have I said my children were exposed to this discussion. They were playing in the garden.

If he's yelling and shouting then they probably heard.

So your husband:

Is fully prepared to kill
Is trained how to kill
Can't control himself
You can live like that

Wow.

@SlugRose

If you're fine with the shouting then why even mention it..

To me this reads like o e of those threads designed to say 'ah ahhhh mumsnet and or women hate men and don't care about their mental health.'

Except op claims he doesn't do it in front or the kids and he holds down a job, so that says he absolutely can control it.

Though I would bet a years wages the kids are fully aware, even if they are in the garden.

Children will have heard or can certainly pick up on atmosphere. It’s unacceptable and obviously designed so you cave. It’s totally unfair on your employer if you miss 2 weeks work as he won’t do 50%.

@roses2

Since your mum already has covid can she help?

Why can't her husband (the parent ) do it ?

You're giving him an excuse for his apoaling behaviour. It won't ever change. You and your children deserve better. I've been in your situation. PTSD doesn't allow you to be abusive. It means you might be abuse but you check your behaviour and address it, you apologise, you try harder.
If it isn't addressed it will escalate and your children will become victims too.

But he is also a better person than many men in many ways.

Maybe if you compare him to Harold Shipman or Wayne Couzens, but apart from that I can’t see how someone who abuses his partner and chooses not to care for his own children is better than other men in many ways.

I have a mental health condition, I have PTSD due to my up bringing, I don’t shout at, or swear at my husband because my health doesn’t cause those things, being a dickhead however does.

He is abusing you, as a result your children are also victims of domestic abuse, if you keep deciding to bury your head in the sand one day you will sadly become almost complicit.

I take it when your children at adults you would be happy to see their boyfriend/girlfriend scream and swear in their face? You’d happilg watch a parent do it at school and not raise it with your DSL?

He's a man who doesn't believe that parenting his own children is his job, it's yours.

And a man who uses his PTSD diagnosis to get away with abusive behaviour.

You're in denial OP. The PTSD is your cloak of invisibility as well as his.

Bloody Hell, that's a drip feed and a half.

OP And if I’m absolutely honest I really don’t believe that most ‘normal’ marriages have been completely free of a bit of shouting and swearing

I couldn't disagree with you more. Shouting and swearing was in my XH's repertoire, and was one reason I left him. I didn't want our DC to think that it was normal - because it is not.

Maybe I've missed the answer to this - but if your son and your mum are both Covid positive, is there any reason she couldn't look after him?

But what does ‘hold him accountable’ mean?

She’s actually ill. And she doesn’t live with us.

@Exhausted111

She’s actually ill. And she doesn’t live with us.

I was assuming she didn't live with you - but that it would just be slavish following of "the rules" if you didn't mix households with someone else who is positive. The idea of not mixing is to stop people from passing it on, but you can't exactly pass it on to someone who's got it.

If she's ill, though, that is obviously a different matter.

@Exhausted111 Can you explain how “he is also a better person than many men in many ways.”

@verymiddleaged

Being regularly sworn at isn't part of living with an adult who is talking responsibility for managing their PTSD.

You are being abused, bringing your dc up in an abusive household and normalizing it.

This.

MH issues including PTSD are not a licence to abuse your partner, whether verbally or otherwise. If you're willing to accept that then more fool you, but you're burying your head in the sand by excusing the behaviour. I say that as someone with a DH who's also ex-army and completed 2 tours of Afghanistan amongst other things.

In terms of your immediate issue, if your mum's feeling upto it she might as well look after your child as normal if they both have Covid 🤷🏼‍♀️ I'd sooner leave them with her than their father who's apparently so volatile he can't be trusted to control his emotions around his family.

The children will know that there is abuse happening towards you and as such, they are also suffering from abuse. I know from reading your posts that this isn't what you want to hear but it's the truth. You might have decided you're happy to put up with abuse but you can't decide that for your children. Your job is to protect them and put them first.

Oh my gosh. Harold Shipman? Wayne Couzens? Seriously? Wow. Just wow.

He shouted, he swore and he called me some names in an argument. At no point did I say I sat cowering in a corner too scared to stick up for myself. Perspective, people.

As I keep reading on here, having mental health issues does not equal abusive behaviour. As pp have said, I bet he controls himself round work colleagues. Funny that.

At no point did I say I sat cowering in a corner too scared to stick up for myself. your reaction doesn't make his actions any less worse.

**Being regularly sworn at isn't part of living with an adult who is talking responsibility for managing their PTSD.

You are being abused, bringing your dc up in an abusive household and normalizing it.**

As a psychiatrist with experience in PTSD and family therapy I agree.

This is clearly hard to hear for you but you need to name this behaviour to him as being abusive. He needs to realise that.
He may well have trouble for regulating his emotions and anger but he needs to take responsibility for this- he needs to work on coping strategies that work for you all. Things like- when he gets angry before he reaches the stage of being totally out of control could he go upstairs, stick his head in cold water and activate his ‘divers reflex’ and take 10 minutes to control his breathing?

No mental health problem is a justification for a abusive behaviour. NONE. Yes, I’m sure he is suffering but it does not make it excusable or justifiable to abuse you.

If I was involved in his care and I’d been told this story I’d be making a carer support referral for you, offering you DV charity support and making a children’s safeguarding referral. It is that serious.

@Exhausted111

Oh my gosh. Harold Shipman? Wayne Couzens? Seriously? Wow. Just wow.

He shouted, he swore and he called me some names in an argument. At no point did I say I sat cowering in a corner too scared to stick up for myself. Perspective, people.

Yes, but neither are you able to have a grown up conversation about who is going to look after your isolating child while you are both at work those days.

Therefore you are at a massive disadvantage to most people who are in couples where they work as a team to look after their children.

Abuse or not, it's not a fair scenario and if you were living separately you might achieve a more fair distribution of the parenting.

Please, define ‘abuse’ in your eyes. I’m genuinely interested to know. And if you could also tell me where you all found such seemingly perfect men who never lose their tempers? And I assume you are also all perfect and never lose your tempers either? Or are you all single, waiting for a man who offers a level of perfection you yourselves do not possess?

I am a wonderful mother, my children are wonderful children, who in my opinion know the true meaning and love, warts and all. As a teacher I deal day in day out with children who do not have the benefit of the parenting that I and my husband offer our children. But sometimes we have disagreements. And sometimes my husband has mental health issues (which tend to manifest themselves in nightmares and him not getting out of bed) and sometimes he is just plain unreasonable because he’s just being a bit of a ‘dick’. And I dare say sometimes I am the same. But, hey, what I call balanced thinking, you call denial. Burn all men. Let’s agree to disagree.