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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t take time off for sick child

221 replies

Exhausted111 · 31/10/2021 14:42

AIBU?? Our son has tested positive for covid so needs to isolate for 10 days. Both me and my husband work, him full-time and me part-time (Monday/Tuesday). I’m a teacher so don’t have access to holiday days. My mum who normally does childcare for us is also positive for covid.

My son’s isolation will hit both my work days for this week and next. I think we should both take two days off - one of us this week, one of us next. My husband seems to think I should do it all. My headteacher is very reasonable but understandably likes to see that we’re taking turns in time off for sick children.

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun as if this is my doing, and I can’t help but feel he’s being utterly childish and selfish. I believe I’ve brought this on myself because I’ve fallen into the ‘part-time’ trap of working outside the home yet still taking on all the responsibilities as if I were a stay at home mum so now this situation has arisen, he can’t believe he’s being asked to take time off work. I 100% cannot see this from his point if view at all, can anybody help me she’d light on why he this I this is reasonable?!

OP posts:
MildRose · 31/10/2021 15:31

He is an absolute twat. And wrong about the childcare to boot.

Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 15:32

Yh I can do that for you, you answered it yourself already. You fell into the part time trap of working away from home but still taking on all the responsibilities as if you was a stay at home mum. Just like you said in your op.

I would seriously look at fixing that in the very near future.

In the meantime, ask him what 2 days is he taking off because he is also the parent to his sick child.

Seriously, sort out that trap nonsense, nip it in the bud, don’t take on the world by yourself, no ones gonna thank you for it

RacketeerRalph · 31/10/2021 15:36

YANBU but you do realise his behaviour is not normal or acceptable?

WonderfulYou · 31/10/2021 15:47

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun

He’s shouting and screaming at you because you’ve asked him to look after his own kid WTAF!!!

Obviously you’re not unreasonable to want him to take 2 days off so you don’t have to but that’s irrelevant now because I’d be kicking him out if the house today.

Nancydrawn · 31/10/2021 16:05

He sounds very much like he doesn't value you and he doesn't value your work.

I don't think I could stay in a marriage with someone like that. And I would certainly go up to full-time hours.

Original poster
Exhausted111 · 31/10/2021 16:10

Thanks for replies, and you’ve supported my suspicion that I am not being unreasonable. I was concerned I wasn’t seeing something patently obvious from his point of view.

Regarding the ‘other issue’, no I am not leaving my husband because he shouted and swore at me. Ok, to put is into context a bit, and hopefully educate a bit as I do so. My husband gave 12 years of his life to bring the rest of us the national safety we enjoy today by fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, and I am immensely proud of him and what he has contributed to humankind. But it was not without sacrifice for him and our family and he left the army with PTSD. He does fly off the handle in a way that other men don’t, yes. But he is also a better person than many men in many ways. I have lots of support from the veteran society and his PTSD specialists and all of this is an ongoing battle. Facing verbal abuse is part of the course for those supporting people with MH sometimes, especially PTSD. I am so used to talking to other army wives who go through the same and get it that I do sometimes forget that other people are shocked at the idea of their husband swearing or shouting at them. Part of me is jealous that others enjoy that sort of certainty. But I also wouldn’t change my husband for the world.

I’m not going to leave him. But I thank you for your advice regarding this particular job situation, and I do definitely need to make steps towards lessening the load on me. Thanks all.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2021 16:13

"My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun"
ShockShockShockShock

That would be the end of the marriage for me.

HollaHolla · 31/10/2021 16:15

Is your husband always so vile, and dismissive of you? He’d find he had more to cover if you separated, and he had to sort out half of the childcare, including when kids were unwell.
He sounds like an arsehole.

roses2 · 31/10/2021 16:15

Since your mum already has covid can she help?

GoGadgetGo · 31/10/2021 16:15

Army or no army. I still wouldn't accept being shouted and sworn at. But, that is your choice.

So get ready to take 2 weeks off work.

Extraonions · 31/10/2021 16:16

TBH OP, giving half a story in your first post had sent everyone off down a rabbit hole.

Is he being unreasonable … yes, but you know that. You accept his behaviour as part of your relationship.

I’m not sure why you have asked the question, when you are fully aware of the answer.

MildRose · 31/10/2021 16:19

@Extraonions

TBH OP, giving half a story in your first post had sent everyone off down a rabbit hole.

Is he being unreasonable … yes, but you know that. You accept his behaviour as part of your relationship.

I’m not sure why you have asked the question, when you are fully aware of the answer.

Yes, this.

You know his behaviour is unreasonable and is a result of him sadly suffering from ptsd. Why are you asking us, clearly stating in detail how he is behaving and then drip feeding? You clearly don't need out advice on this. You know he is U and you know why but you don't think he can help it and therefore you accept it.

Sorry, but it's really difficult to advise someone in these circumstances.

Sorry to hear about your dh. It's lovely you're so proud of him

saraclara · 31/10/2021 16:21

Facing verbal abuse is part of the course for those supporting people with MH sometimes, especially PTSD

Does he stop when you point out that this is his PTSD in action? Does he recognise the effect it has on you, and on your child who witnesses it, and is growing up thinking that shouting and swearing at your partner is normal and acceptable?

Sorry..I'm thread jacking, but it's pretty scary that you and other military wives take it for granted.

ejhhhhh · 31/10/2021 16:21

I can understand your perspective from your update OP. But how does this usually work in practice, how do you usually resolve disputes given shouting etc are part of the PTSD? Do the veterans society have any tips on how to deal with disputes. You know you're not being unreasonable, but unless you capitulate every time there's a difference of opinion, his volatile reaction will lead to him getting his way in every argument. You need a different strategy, I'm afraid I don't know what that is, but maybe professionals with experience of PTSD will?

GreekGod · 31/10/2021 16:23

Oh wow OP - I feel rather awful now for calling him unhinged when clearly there are other things going on here and we didn't know the whole story. Living with PTSD must be terrible. I also wouldn't accept getting sworn and shouted at by my DH but you clearly do. Please look after yourself.

Teacupsandtoast · 31/10/2021 16:28

I'd be wary that it's not just convenient for him to blame it on his ptsd.....is he shouting and screaming at everyone who challenges him/asks him to do something....or just you OP?

stripeymonster · 31/10/2021 16:30

It's very likely that at least you or your husband may also test positive during the week so it all may change anyway. I really hope you stay fine but covid has just swept through our house, starting with a child.

AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2021 16:31

You might as well get this thread taken down, OP. I don't think anyone can help you.

I'm really sorry that your DH is suffering with ptsd as a result of his experiences, and that this means that you feel that you must accept him being abusive when he disagrees with you.

It seems like you will just have to take the full 10 days off if you are unable to discuss and resolve things between you in a healthy manner. You've said that you're willing to accept his unreasonable behaviour because of what he has been through, so I guess you'll just have to go along with whatever he wants. Confused

FrownedUpon · 31/10/2021 16:34

That background doesn’t mean you have to put up with abuse or that your children should be exposed to it. Sorry but I would just refuse to tolerate it.

ColinTheKoala · 31/10/2021 16:36

I don't think the fact he served in the Army is relevant. You are a teacher and you cannot easily take time off. Your child is also his child so he has to take time off too unless it is completely impossible.

And as others have said, if your mum feels ok, can she not have your son?

Original poster
Exhausted111 · 31/10/2021 16:36

I really don’t think I have told half a story. When you live with MH in your home, it doesn’t define you, you can still have normal arguments. And if I’m absolutely honest I really don’t believe that most ‘normal’ marriages have been completely free of a bit of shouting and swearing. But, hey, I’m only living in my own skin, in my own marriage, what do I know. But shouting and swearing aside, it has been really helpful to hear a consensus that we should be taking equal responsibility for our sick child despite me working part-time. He has agreed resentfully and no, I don’t have to concede defeat in every situation. I just didn’t want to push the issue if I was in fact being unreasonable.

OP posts:
romany4 · 31/10/2021 16:37

I'd be telling him to grow up and fuck off.
Who does he think he is???
Fuming on your behalf

Original poster
Exhausted111 · 31/10/2021 16:38

And at no point have I said my children were exposed to this discussion. They were playing in the garden.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2021 16:40

@ColinTheKoala

I don't think the fact he served in the Army is relevant. You are a teacher and you cannot easily take time off. Your child is also his child so he has to take time off too unless it is completely impossible.

And as others have said, if your mum feels ok, can she not have your son?

I think it's relevant in so far as it means that the OP is willing to excuse his abusive behaviour. I couldn't live like that personally, but the OP clearly chooses to do so.

I guess he can just shout and scream any time he doesn't want to do anything. The OP can't make him take the time off and he isn't willing/able to discuss it normally. If the OP isn't going to hold him accountable for his behaviour, what option does the she have other than to just suck it up?

MintMatchmaker · 31/10/2021 16:40

Is it just you he behaves like this with? Do your children get support too so that they know this isn’t how a healthy relationship works?

I’m terms of your original post, yanbu, but it sounds as though you know this and also know that your husband won’t support you.