Husband won’t take time off for sick child

[Exhausted111]

AIBU?? Our son has tested positive for covid so needs to isolate for 10 days. Both me and my husband work, him full-time and me part-time (Monday/Tuesday). I’m a teacher so don’t have access to holiday days. My mum who normally does childcare for us is also positive for covid.

My son’s isolation will hit both my work days for this week and next. I think we should both take two days off - one of us this week, one of us next. My husband seems to think I should do it all. My headteacher is very reasonable but understandably likes to see that we’re taking turns in time off for sick children.

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun as if this is my doing, and I can’t help but feel he’s being utterly childish and selfish. I believe I’ve brought this on myself because I’ve fallen into the ‘part-time’ trap of working outside the home yet still taking on all the responsibilities as if I were a stay at home mum so now this situation has arisen, he can’t believe he’s being asked to take time off work. I 100% cannot see this from his point if view at all, can anybody help me she’d light on why he this I this is reasonable?!

I think you should cover the full isolation period yourself and use that time to think about getting your ducks in a row now you know what your 'D'H's priorities are.

I think being a teacher changes things too-it's not as if the op can catch up with missed work-school will have to cover for her.

@MrsKeats

Agreed alexa I have a family member that's a mental health therapist for the NHS-I have just checked with them (they deal with PTSD patients) and they said that this type of behaviour is not the norm, nor should it be accepted.

Yes, I used to work with people who had experienced major trauma and many of them suffered with ptsd. It was never considered a license for them to be abusive.

Sorry, didn’t RTFT, realise it’s sorted now. I still don’t think it’s reasonable to call you every name under the son though just because you ask him quite reasonably to share childcare.

I doubt he shouts and swears at his boss. And if he flies off the handle at his child then I wouldn't want them alone, so I'm guessing the pleasure of his outbursts is reserved solely for you.

I fully sympathise with his having PTSD, but that is not licence to fly off the handle when you are asked to do something totally reasonable. Does he do that with anyone else or just with you? Do other people in his life get shouted or sworn at? I'm struggling to understand why PTSD means he has free rein to shout and swear at his wife. What part of you asking him to take time off triggered his PTSD here?

I'm actually quite shocked that military wives are apparently being told that being shouted and sworn at is just part of the package. There are lots of ways to support a partner with mental health issues that don't include being abused yourself, and someone else's mental health problems are not a licence for them to abuse others. And I'm even more surprised that mental health support workers would say that it's in any way acceptable. That goes totally against every other experience I've had.

My DH said that he wouldn’t take any time off his very important job, if the kids were sick, when I went back to work.
It’s one of the many things that caused resentment in our marriage, and our marriage is teetering on the edge.

Actually, if you work part-time and he works full-time, I'd expect him to take three days off, and you to take one off.

Just remember that one good deed - no matter how significant and how good - doesn't give you a permanent get out of jail free card. I understand additional leeway and compromise, but there's a line. Make sure you know where that line is for you.

I'm guessing he flew of the handle because he acts like the big man at home and a people pleaser at work.

You'll put up with his behaviour and be bullied into doing as you're told most of the time and he thinks his job is too important to sacrifice whereas you're 'just' a teacher.

He's a bully. PTSD doesn't excuse that.

PTSD or not, you have given 12 years to supporting his career in the military and making your own sacrifices.

Seems to me like he still thinks he is serving and you will pick up the pieces whilst his career takes precedence. Blinkered ex-soldier where the Army (probably) and his wife take care of everything and he doesn't have to be responsibility for real life.

Wow....how does he keep a job if he can't help shouting and screaming everytime he is asked to do something he doesn't really want to do?

I hope he wasn’t screaming and shouting in front of your child, it’s his child too he’s being massively unreasonable, I’d be telling him that

I say this with love @Exhausted111 - verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse, regardless of the reason. And if his reason for verbally and emotionally abusing you is that he was triggered by basic parenting, then unfortunately you're just accepting that he'll abuse you based off a completely unavoidable trigger.

And even if you asking him to parent was a reasonable trigger it is his responsibility to note when he feels triggered and walk away, redirect himself, remove himself from the moment. You say it's surprising to you that he acted like this about a parenting issue, which suggests this isn't some unusual long-standing trigger for him - and to me, that suggests he's using his PTSD diagnosis as a smokescreen to be able to talk to you however he wants to get out of doing something - being an equal parent - that he apparently believes isn't his job. I assume, as you have support from organisations relating to veterans and he has a PTSD diagnosis, that he didn't leave the army in the last few weeks - in which case he should be well aware of how to manage triggers to avoid abusive behaviour.

Unfortunately, as you say, many military wives are conditioned to believe this is acceptable. But it's not, and it sounds as though his screaming at you and calling you names isn't unusual, which is really sad.

(My DH has PTSD, and ADHD. Triggered outbursts aren't - or weren't, thanks to extensive therapy - unusual. But they were never aimed at me and he knows full well that his behaviour is something that is his responsibility to manage. He works very hard to have redirection techniques and options for when he feels as though he isn't able to behave appropriately.)

@Nyxs

Wow....how does he keep a job if he can't help shouting and screaming everytime he is asked to do something he doesn't really want to do?

Tenner bet he manages to control himself around bosses and colleagues, etc...

But OP, who has been told that this is normal from ex-forces husbands and therefore conditioned to allow abuse without question? Nah, get it with both barrels for reasonably asking him to step up and be a parent.

For all those saying ptsd is no excuse for behaviour. I have ptsd and before I got treatment my behaviour could be similar. Your brain doesn't work properly. Everything is a threat. You are in survival mind and not rational at all.

It manifested differently at work but my behaviour was still unreasonable.

OP I understand your point. Is he being treated? Emdr therapy saved me!

Re the time off, he should share the load. No question. Good luck

@NothingSafe

I say this with love *@Exhausted111* - verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse, regardless of the reason. And if his reason for verbally and emotionally abusing you is that he was triggered by basic parenting, then unfortunately you're just accepting that he'll abuse you based off a completely unavoidable trigger.

And even if you asking him to parent was a reasonable trigger it is his responsibility to note when he feels triggered and walk away, redirect himself, remove himself from the moment. You say it's surprising to you that he acted like this about a parenting issue, which suggests this isn't some unusual long-standing trigger for him - and to me, that suggests he's using his PTSD diagnosis as a smokescreen to be able to talk to you however he wants to get out of doing something - being an equal parent - that he apparently believes isn't his job. I assume, as you have support from organisations relating to veterans and he has a PTSD diagnosis, that he didn't leave the army in the last few weeks - in which case he should be well aware of how to manage triggers to avoid abusive behaviour.

Unfortunately, as you say, many military wives are conditioned to believe this is acceptable. But it's not, and it sounds as though his screaming at you and calling you names isn't unusual, which is really sad.

(My DH has PTSD, and ADHD. Triggered outbursts aren't - or weren't, thanks to extensive therapy - unusual. But they were never aimed at me and he knows full well that his behaviour is something that is his responsibility to manage. He works very hard to have redirection techniques and options for when he feels as though he isn't able to behave appropriately.)

This is exactly right.

You should also make sure you're not feeling any guilt for needing him to deal with his diagnosis. You aren't unsupportive or unfeeling or unloving or a bad military wife for doing so.

Basic parenting cannot be an unmanaged trigger in a functioning household. It's setting you, and perhaps more importantly your kids, up for very unhappy lives.

Even when I only worked 10 hours a week, my husband still covered some of the sick days and doctor’s appointments (specialist appointments don’t often come with flexibility). When I could, I shifted hours, but sometimes I had meetings or deadlines that couldn’t be moved. Even now I work half time and do both school runs, but if I have a crucial meeting come up, he will do everything he can to clear his schedule. My career is just as important as his. Yours is too.

Unless asking your husband to share childcare is triggering some kind of flashback or lived experience whereby he is experiencing terribly trauma, then no, screaming abuse is most definitely not acceptable . It isnt anyway.

I don’t know why you posted. You know he was being unreasonable but you’ve accepted abuse as part of your relationship. Rather you than me 🤷‍♀️

Im curious how he holds down a job given his propensity to shout and swear at work colleagues .

There won’t be a single person who thinks he’s reasonable. Unless he’s posting on here. Absolute idiot

I’m so sorry you are going through this, and I’m sorry for your h too. For what he’s gone through in the past.

How’s he doing with PTSD counselling? My oh is seeing a therapist who specialises in service personnel and he’s amazing

I’m glad you’ve come to an agreement and I hope when things have calmed down a bit that he does need to take a share in this, it’s crap yes, but it’s the fair thing to do to share it

What the actual fuck have I just read?

@NothingSafe my thoughts exactly.

Can't face having to do basic parenting without losing his shit. Can manage to hold down a job without losing his shit.

I say this as someone who has ptsd.

I wouldn’t be excusing his behaviour.

However, to take the thread in the spirit in which you created it…

What’s his justification for saying No and screaming and shouting. Why is his job more important (in his deluded eyes)?

Wow, even with the drip feed he is still being a tosser - and I say that as a soldier with PTSD myself - PTSD does not justify abuse in any way. If he blames the PTSD and you don't call him out on it then you are a mug to be treated like this so I don't actually know what you are asking if you are just going to defend him.

One hell of a drip feed there. If his shouting and screaming at you is irrelevant in that it is something you’ve decided to live with due to circumstances, probably best to leave it out of the equation in your posts.

Of course it isn’t unreasonable to expect a parent to do their share of childcare. Is that really what you are asking?