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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t take time off for sick child

221 replies

Exhausted111 · 31/10/2021 14:42

AIBU?? Our son has tested positive for covid so needs to isolate for 10 days. Both me and my husband work, him full-time and me part-time (Monday/Tuesday). I’m a teacher so don’t have access to holiday days. My mum who normally does childcare for us is also positive for covid.

My son’s isolation will hit both my work days for this week and next. I think we should both take two days off - one of us this week, one of us next. My husband seems to think I should do it all. My headteacher is very reasonable but understandably likes to see that we’re taking turns in time off for sick children.

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun as if this is my doing, and I can’t help but feel he’s being utterly childish and selfish. I believe I’ve brought this on myself because I’ve fallen into the ‘part-time’ trap of working outside the home yet still taking on all the responsibilities as if I were a stay at home mum so now this situation has arisen, he can’t believe he’s being asked to take time off work. I 100% cannot see this from his point if view at all, can anybody help me she’d light on why he this I this is reasonable?!

OP posts:
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 31/10/2021 16:41

The thing that's making me wince here is the swearing and calling you names. Bit of shouting is more normal, but not that level of aggression. Will have been frightening for your son to hear that, all over his covid as well.

Shoxfordian · 31/10/2021 16:42

It doesn’t make it acceptable op
What about when he’s shouting at your child like that?

TravelLost · 31/10/2021 16:44

Well reading your op, I was ready to say that the name calling and swearing is basically a sign that deep down he knows he is unreasonable .

Even with the MH side, I still think that there might be some truth in it.

You are working, he is working. Because you are part time, he is lucky that he doesn’t have to take that much time off. He should be be happy and grateful for that tbh.

Which means that actually, YANBU and you should stick to your 50/50 split of the days your dc has to be at home.
Then after that , there is a need to have a chat about respect for the other person work, including giving YOUR work the same respect. And the fact you are BOTH responsible for the care of your dc. Not just you.
I’d remind him that you coud go back to work full time too and then he would need to take a whole 5 days off instead, do half of medical appointments, inset days etc etc etc

DismantledKing · 31/10/2021 16:46

@Exhausted111

Thanks for replies, and you’ve supported my suspicion that I am not being unreasonable. I was concerned I wasn’t seeing something patently obvious from his point of view.

Regarding the ‘other issue’, no I am not leaving my husband because he shouted and swore at me. Ok, to put is into context a bit, and hopefully educate a bit as I do so. My husband gave 12 years of his life to bring the rest of us the national safety we enjoy today by fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, and I am immensely proud of him and what he has contributed to humankind. But it was not without sacrifice for him and our family and he left the army with PTSD. He does fly off the handle in a way that other men don’t, yes. But he is also a better person than many men in many ways. I have lots of support from the veteran society and his PTSD specialists and all of this is an ongoing battle. Facing verbal abuse is part of the course for those supporting people with MH sometimes, especially PTSD. I am so used to talking to other army wives who go through the same and get it that I do sometimes forget that other people are shocked at the idea of their husband swearing or shouting at them. Part of me is jealous that others enjoy that sort of certainty. But I also wouldn’t change my husband for the world.

I’m not going to leave him. But I thank you for your advice regarding this particular job situation, and I do definitely need to make steps towards lessening the load on me. Thanks all.

Yeah, this is bollocks. He doesn’t get a gold pass to be an abusive wanker just because he used to be a squaddie. Does he ‘shout and swear’ at people in work? I doubt it.
Seedandyarn · 31/10/2021 16:46

I bet the kids were in the garden because they knew daddy was going to kick off. Your DH needs to deal with his anger issues and stop using PTSD as an excuse to abuse you.
And you need to stop normalising such behaviour it's unfair to your children who I guarantee are fully aware of his bad temper.

TertiusLydgate · 31/10/2021 16:46

If you have a husband who is 'shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun', you have a much bigger problem.

He sounds awful and I wouldn't want my kids brought up by him.

SeasonFinale · 31/10/2021 16:47

How old is your child? Is your mum well enough to perhaps still stay home with him?

ancientgran · 31/10/2021 16:49

OP glad you have it sorted. PTSD is terrible and I hope you are all getting help with it.

DismantledKing · 31/10/2021 16:49

Regarding the ‘other issue’, no I am not leaving my husband because he shouted and swore at me. Ok, to put is into context a bit, and hopefully educate a bit as I do so. My husband gave 12 years of his life to bring the rest of us the national safety we enjoy today by fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, and I am immensely proud of him and what he has contributed to humankind.

ODFOD.
Rather you than me.

AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2021 16:50

I would also be concerned about the children being exposed to this kind of behaviour. Not a nice environment to grow up in, regardless of the cause.

vdbfamily · 31/10/2021 16:50

OP, is your mum unwell or just asymptomatic. If they both have Covid, could you not drop him at hers anyway for the 2 days?

legalseagull · 31/10/2021 16:54

I wouldn't be excusing this with MH. I've had my fair share of sever mental health problems in the family - you are NOT an emotional punching bag whatever he's been through.

Your job is just as valid and important as his. You spilt the time. It (normally) goes without saying.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 31/10/2021 16:57

You know you are not being unreasonable OP but it looks like you’re not going to do anything about it either

SueSaid · 31/10/2021 16:59

He sounds awful, ex squaddie or not.

That said imo the part timer does the sick dc cover.

MrsKeats · 31/10/2021 17:02

But the PTSD is a red herring.
Does he shout and swear at his boss? People in the street?
Mental health issues are not an excuse for this.
Does he yell at your kids too?

SlugRose · 31/10/2021 17:03

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun as if this is my doing, and I can’t help but feel he’s being utterly childish and selfish he's being abusive.

Your DH should take the days you are working off tbh as you're all ready "having time off" by only working 2 days.

SlugRose · 31/10/2021 17:05

Ok, to put is into context a bit, and hopefully educate a bit as I do so. patronising much?

verymiddleaged · 31/10/2021 17:06

Being regularly sworn at isn't part of living with an adult who is talking responsibility for managing their PTSD.

You are being abused, bringing your dc up in an abusive household and normalizing it.

AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2021 17:07

@MrsKeats

But the PTSD is a red herring. Does he shout and swear at his boss? People in the street? Mental health issues are not an excuse for this. Does he yell at your kids too?
I'd also be interested in the OP's answer to this.

If it's yes, then that's a significant concern for the children. If it's no, then it suggests that he does have the ability to control his behaviour and is therefore choosing to behave in an abusive manner towards his wife. Not good whichever way you look at it!

WaterBottle123 · 31/10/2021 17:09

Wow. Who's told you that you have to accept this abuse just because he fought in the oil wars?

Moonopoly · 31/10/2021 17:11

People saying drop DS with DM or DM have him are forgetting they both have to legally isolate so shouldn’t be travelling from home.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 31/10/2021 17:11

Setting aside the verbal abuse since you are okay with it - why would you leave an unhinged angry PTSD person at home alone with a child?

Or does the child believe that verbal abuse is normal, too, and every one just kind of let's daddy rip every now and then with a "Thanks for your Service" in response?

Lalliella · 31/10/2021 17:11

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun as if this is my doing

That’s abuse. I hope you are planning to get out of this marriage. He sounds horrible.

VickyEadieofThigh · 31/10/2021 17:12

I'm a retired headteacher - I expected any of my staff who had children and a working partner to split the childcare if they were sick 50-50 (or pro-rata if one were part-time).

It's appalling imposition on any employer/workplace if a parent (where there are 2) assumes all sick childcare and even worse in workplaces like schools - that's a whole classes of children not getting their teacher and a school expected to pay twice for one teacher.

MrsKeats · 31/10/2021 17:12

Agreed alexa
I have a family member that's a mental health therapist for the NHS-I have just checked with them (they deal with PTSD patients) and they said that this type of behaviour is not the norm, nor should it be accepted.