Husband won’t take time off for sick child

[Exhausted111]

AIBU?? Our son has tested positive for covid so needs to isolate for 10 days. Both me and my husband work, him full-time and me part-time (Monday/Tuesday). I’m a teacher so don’t have access to holiday days. My mum who normally does childcare for us is also positive for covid.

My son’s isolation will hit both my work days for this week and next. I think we should both take two days off - one of us this week, one of us next. My husband seems to think I should do it all. My headteacher is very reasonable but understandably likes to see that we’re taking turns in time off for sick children.

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun as if this is my doing, and I can’t help but feel he’s being utterly childish and selfish. I believe I’ve brought this on myself because I’ve fallen into the ‘part-time’ trap of working outside the home yet still taking on all the responsibilities as if I were a stay at home mum so now this situation has arisen, he can’t believe he’s being asked to take time off work. I 100% cannot see this from his point if view at all, can anybody help me she’d light on why he this I this is reasonable?!

I’m sorry you’re upset OP, but what you described here is not “just” frustrated loss of temper or healthy arguing. You yourself said “shouting, screaming, calling me every name under the sun.” No matter what reasons your husband might have for his uncontrollable temper, it’s absolutely not excusable in any way. Imagine someone shouting at your children in the same way, you’d not think it was OK then. It’s also not OK for them to be exposed to this - and you’d be surprised how much they overhear or pick up on. If your children reported this to someone at school, a safeguarding referral would most certainly be made.

I’ve only had one relationship where a man treated me similarly to how you describe, and he was gone shortly afterwards. It really isn’t normal or healthy.

OP, nobody is "looking down their nose" at you. I think it's more concern (possibly mixed with a degree of frustration, when it seems so obvious) that you have come to believe that this behaviour in a relationship can ever be normal.

I know you are on the defensive right now but hopefully over the next few days you’ll think about how healthy your relationship is and how you improve your respect for yourself.

You were discussing who would stay home and look after your child.
That should not have resulted in screaming and name calling. You were not the bad one here, it’s not your fault your child is off, you didn’t have an affair or offend him, so there was no way you should have got any blame.

You posted on her for a reason as you knew it was not ok.
You say yourself you have low standards so maybe it’s time you raised them up a bit. That doesn’t mean ending your relationship you could expect a little more respect.

OP your husband is a hero for what he’s done overseas.

Every couple will row and shout on occasion. However calling names is a line in the sand which he should not cross, and you need to tell him this. PTSD is not an excuse- he needs to work through that and understand as much as he is working through stuff, there is behaviour that is not acceptable. You need to be firm on this, and the childcare, he can’t play the victim card if he wants to be in a healthy adult relationship.

I have many sympathies for you, suffering with PTSD myself, and knowing veterans not long back from conflict, and those who’ve been back for decades. His behaviour here is not acceptable and not excusable. You need to have a serious talk about him taking responsibility for his actions.

I had to have some very hard talks with my DH as he was in the depths of MH issues. He was shouting a lot and I made it clear it was unacceptable and he had to shape up or I couldn’t go on. To his credit he has worked very hard, and is still working very hard.

You do not have to put up with tantrums, name calling, and shouting. Hero or not.

@Exhausted111 please don't be upset by what others say on here. Just forget this thread and move on

You seem to have normalised your DH's behaviour. On the one hand, you are excusing it on the grounds of his military service and ptsd, and on the other hand you seem to be suggesting that a bit of screaming and swearing over disagreements is normal in most relationships. I'm not sure which of these you think is true or whether you're just clutching at any old straw to make sense of his behaviour.

I agree.

I know many, many ex military men and only one would fly off the handle like this as they needed help for their PTSD. They chose not to live with their partner as they didn’t think it was fair on them. They got therapy and now they are a happy family once again.

It’s worrying that you keep trying to make excuses for him even though you posted knowing it was wrong.

I’d take a few days and think about his behaviour. You burying your head in the sand acting like it’s normal is not going to help your relationship. It may be that you both need couples therapy or he needs to see someone about his PTSD.

Got to love the Army and other services. Conditioning the partner/spouse (wife) to excuse and enable abusive behaviour as a result go the aggressors heroic service.
Don't for one minute think your children are unaware or unaffected.

Sorry you've had a hard time on the thread.

Why does he think it's solely your responsibility to care for your child?

So he can't help himself? It's his PTSD. He's not responsible for his actions. So your DC should expect and accept the same treatment? He can't help it after all. Your DC are going to be so fucked up. You have a choice to put up with a volatile man, they don't - they're trapped.

Screaming, shouting and name calling is NOT part of a normal relationship. I've been married 35 years and yes we have disagreements and sometimes raise our voices, but we've never screamed, shouted or name called.

One of my BFF's DH did two tours in Viet Nam in the late '60s. He did and saw things there that no person should ever have to see or do. When he came home there was 'no such thing' as PTSD, he was expected to 'suck it up and deal with it'. He also came home to a nation (I'm ashamed to say) that called him a baby killer and reviled him.

He used to wake screaming in the night. He would shake and cry for no discernible reason. He became angry over trivial things. But what he never did was 'scream and call every name under the sun'. And he certainly never shirked his parenting duties. This went on for years, until the US VA decided that PTSD was a 'real thing' in the '80s. And it still took a good 20 years to get his claim approved.

Your DH's behaviour is unacceptable, whether it happens once a year or once a day. By accepting that it's just the way he is, you're enabling him to continue it and are actually putting up roadblocks in the way of him really changing his behavior.

Hey OP, I’m sorry these comments have upset you so much. Please don’t misconstrue the messages being sent to you as all being cruel because there is a wealth of support and knowledge here and a lot of posters will have first hand experience of abuse in all forms.
I hope you find a solution to the childcare that is equal and I wish your son and mum a speedy recovery

I'm sorry that you've been upset, and yes, some of the posts do read as blaming you. But your more recent posts have read very differently from what you said in your OP.

screaming, calling me all the names under the sun

Screaming (which would definitely have been heard in the garden) has turned into shouting, now, for instance. And no, calling you all the names under the sun for asking him to look after his children for two days is not 'having a disagreement.

I know what it's like to live with someone with mental health issues, but normalising the behaviour that comes with it isn't the way to go.

Has he apologised for the names he called you?

I don't think he's a hero and I certainly don't think he fought for our safety.

Who is looking after your child?

He shouted, he swore and he called me some names in an argument. At no point did I say I sat cowering in a corner too scared to stick up for myself. Perspective, people.

So you were shouting and screaming at him back? That doesn’t sound much better.

Or my husband a bad father. It’s just not fair and just not accurate.

Choosing to scream at your partner when you are asked to do some childcare sounds like a low bar for “good father” material.

Anyway I’m currently hid in the bathroom crying my eyes out about all your cruel comments, whilst my husband is reading the kids the next chapter of Harry Potter.

Your husband who is supposed to love you and care for you, screams at you for asking him to look after his children and you’re absolutely fine with that, but some complete strangers on the internet suggest that’s really not acceptable and your children would be impacted by it, and you’re in tears? Seems an extreme response.

My partner gave 12 years of his life to the Army too and left with PTSD. He doesn't shout and swear and call me names, and if he did, he'd be gone.

Jesus OP, that sounds awful. Does he behave like that regularly?

For context, I work 3 days a week, DH works full-time. When DS is sick we usually divide childcare 2-thirds to me, 1-third to him. But he would never dream of not doing his share. Working full-time does not allow you to abdicate parenting responsibility.

@Extraonions

TBH OP, giving half a story in your first post had sent everyone off down a rabbit hole.

Is he being unreasonable … yes, but you know that. You accept his behaviour as part of your relationship.

I’m not sure why you have asked the question, when you are fully aware of the answer.

This 👆

OP you are a teacher. If a student said that this was happening would you normalise it in the same way? This is disturbing.
I used to get screamed at. My abuser " couldn't help it" either.He too was fabulous...when he wasn't being abusive. He had a MH condition too. He also "couldn't help"then getting physical . I left him.
Come back and read these replies later.
Will you tell the children he can't help it when ( not if) he does the same to them?

No excuse op. My Dh has PTSD for same reasons. He has had lost of therapy etc. He crossed the line swearing like you have described once and I packed his bags as no child deserves to hear their mother treated like that nor do I deserve that.

He took it on board and we had counselling together, we have rules to arguments and he knows his PTSD is no accuse to abuse me or the children.

Please don’t misconstrue the messages being sent to you as all being cruel because there is a wealth of support and knowledge here and a lot of posters will have first hand experience of abuse in all forms.

I agree.

OP it is very easy to feel like everyone is attacking you on here (I’ve been there before) but it’s out of frustration that you are burying your head in the sand instead of facing the truth. Our anger is directed at him.

You are obviously a clever women and there’s no shame in saying yes he was a bit of a dick I will speak to him when the kids are in bed and tell him it’s not going to happen again.

You know he doesn’t respect you as much as you deserve.
The reason he flew off the handle was because you dared to ask him to take a day off for his own child - meaning you/your job is just as important as his, which he obviously disagrees with.
‘How dare you ask him to take 2/5 days off from his very important work when you should be the one to do it.’
Why is his job so much more important than yours?

I can almost guarantee that you will be taking the time off and he’ll be going on to work as normal.
And you won’t even complain because you know it’ll start an argument again.

And if you could also tell me where you all found such seemingly perfect men who never lose their tempers? And I assume you are also all perfect and never lose your tempers either? Or are you all single, waiting for a man who offers a level of perfection you yourselves do not possess?

I'm a teacher. My husband has never shouted at me or called me names. If he were the kind of person who did, he wouldn't be my husband. Whether he'd been in the armed forces or not. Sorry OP, but what are you going to do - put up with this kind of selfish and aggressive behaviour from him forever, just because you're proud of the job he did?

@Exhausted111

Please, define ‘abuse’ in your eyes. I’m genuinely interested to know. And if you could also tell me where you all found such seemingly perfect men who never lose their tempers? And I assume you are also all perfect and never lose your tempers either? Or are you all single, waiting for a man who offers a level of perfection you yourselves do not possess?

I am a wonderful mother, my children are wonderful children, who in my opinion know the true meaning and love, warts and all. As a teacher I deal day in day out with children who do not have the benefit of the parenting that I and my husband offer our children. But sometimes we have disagreements. And sometimes my husband has mental health issues (which tend to manifest themselves in nightmares and him not getting out of bed) and sometimes he is just plain unreasonable because he’s just being a bit of a ‘dick’. And I dare say sometimes I am the same. But, hey, what I call balanced thinking, you call denial. Burn all men. Let’s agree to disagree.

I'm so sorry OP. The MN hive mind has very black and white thinking when it comes to what it deems "abuse". My husband and I have had many times where there's been shouting and name calling and things said in anger. I don't know many coupes irl who haven't. One couple I knew "never argued" but their relationship was very strange and he ended up leaving her having had an affair. Personally I'd rather be in the one with the occasional raised voices. It's obviously isn't something that you find unacceptable knowing everything you know about you, your relationship and your DH, so ignore the posters the threads that are telling you differently. You know you, and your husband. The posters on this thread don't know you or him at all. Ignore and move on. Try not to let it upset you. You can always ask MN to delete the thread by reporting it if it's too upsetting for you.

Is he a neurosurgeon? Even if he were, he could rearrange things for a sick son.

Sounds like he suffers from My Job is More Important than Yours because I'm a Man syndrome.

@Exhausted111

But ‘daily basis’ is a bit of a leap. He shouted and screamed today. I was so upset I posted on her for the first time in my life. The last time he shouted and screamed was around Christmas last year. And before that I can’t remember. Maybe my standards aren’t as high as yours, but I’m not going to have people describe me as a bad mum. Or my husband a bad father. It’s just not fair and just not accurate. I’m even having people suggest my children should have social services involved. It’s insane. Professionally I’ve had many dealing with SS and not for a dad shouting at his wife twice a year.

Anyway I’m currently hid in the bathroom crying my eyes out about all your cruel comments, whilst my husband is reading the kids the next chapter of Harry Potter. ‘Attention seeker’, ‘bad mum’, ‘selfish’, ‘ODFOD’ (which I had to look up, but isn’t a nice thing), the list goes on. This place is the dark side of the Internet. I hope you’ve got the self-satisfaction you’re looking for by looking down your nose at me.

I hope you are OK. People are so judgmental at times. Marriages are all different, my first husband and I never argued but we did get divorced, my husband and I often shout at each other but we are celebrating our 36th wedding anniversary next month. I actually think people who trust and love each other can express themselves and it is human to get annoyed particularly if you have been through difficult times like your DH.

Do ignore the "I've got PTSD" or "my DH has PTSD" and I've never/he's never shouted/swore/lost their temper. There is a saying on here that is often used about people with ASD, I use it about dementia as I have a family member with that, it is "If you've met one person with ASD (dementia) you've met one person with ASD (dementia). I think the same probably (almost certainly) goes for PTSD.

I hope you are feeling better and the children enjoyed their story.