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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t take time off for sick child

221 replies

Exhausted111 · 31/10/2021 14:42

AIBU?? Our son has tested positive for covid so needs to isolate for 10 days. Both me and my husband work, him full-time and me part-time (Monday/Tuesday). I’m a teacher so don’t have access to holiday days. My mum who normally does childcare for us is also positive for covid.

My son’s isolation will hit both my work days for this week and next. I think we should both take two days off - one of us this week, one of us next. My husband seems to think I should do it all. My headteacher is very reasonable but understandably likes to see that we’re taking turns in time off for sick children.

My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun as if this is my doing, and I can’t help but feel he’s being utterly childish and selfish. I believe I’ve brought this on myself because I’ve fallen into the ‘part-time’ trap of working outside the home yet still taking on all the responsibilities as if I were a stay at home mum so now this situation has arisen, he can’t believe he’s being asked to take time off work. I 100% cannot see this from his point if view at all, can anybody help me she’d light on why he this I this is reasonable?!

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 31/10/2021 18:42

I am a teacher.
My husband has seriously never shouted or sworn at me.
If everything is so marvellous why post in the first place?

SlugRose · 31/10/2021 18:42

The occasional shout under stressful circumstances I would tolerate if followed up with an apology screaming, calling me all the names under the sun is absolutely not acceptable..

InFiveMins · 31/10/2021 18:43

Your attempts to try and defend and justify his behaviour OP would seem you know it is unacceptable. I feel sorry for your children.

MrsKeats · 31/10/2021 18:43

Name calling is abuse.

SlugRose · 31/10/2021 18:43

And if it's all fine then why bother mentioning it.

thenewduchessofhastings · 31/10/2021 18:44

I'm so sorry you and your husband are living with PTSD;it must be so extremely difficult for both of you.But as a teacher,if a child in your school came to you and told you they experience their father screaming,shouting,swearing at their mum and calling her all the names under the sun wouldn't you be obligated to report it as a safe guarding concern?

Is asking him to parent his own child triggering his PTSD or is he using it as a excuse so that you won't dare to ask him to do anything like that again through fear of triggering it?

SlugRose · 31/10/2021 18:45

No one is going to seriously say yes it's absolutely fine for him to have treated you like that and you're completely unreasonable to have expected him to look after his own children.

Hont1986 · 31/10/2021 18:50

My husband gave 12 years of his life to bring the rest of us the national safety we enjoy today by fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan

Hmm
Killeen · 31/10/2021 18:50

Again OP I am sorry and I can see you are desperately defending him here and projecting onto others. Its hard to reconcile some of your statements- your husband has called you names (not acceptable in an argument- would like to know what these names were…) at being asked to care for his child. How does that show love and how are your children benefiting from this parenting?
It doesn’t sound from your pp that this is a one off or exceptional and your complete surprise at the reaction on here does make me think that there is a lot more that you tolerate that has gone unmentioned.

You don’t have to convince me that your husband is a good man or your relationship is normal…ho is it you are really trying to convince here?
I would have a look at some domestic abuse charities and try and see if you can link more of these behaviours up.
I think unfortunately you’ve been stuck in an echo chamber where this behaviour has been normalised.
I wish you and your children the best.

DismantledKing · 31/10/2021 18:53

@Exhausted111

Oh my gosh. Harold Shipman? Wayne Couzens? Seriously? Wow. Just wow.

He shouted, he swore and he called me some names in an argument. At no point did I say I sat cowering in a corner too scared to stick up for myself. Perspective, people.

And yet your OP said: ‘My husband is shouting, screaming, calling me all the names under the sun as if this is my doing, and I can’t help but feel he’s being utterly childish and selfish’

He’s an arsehole.

NothingSafe · 31/10/2021 18:54

OP, your updates are just making it more sad. You seem genuinely convinced this is a normal way to live.

No, my husband (who also has PTSD) has never 'shouted, screamed and called me names' during a disagreement. Never, ever. Yes, he does lose his composure occasionally, as do I, but the worst thing he's ever done in a temper is shouting 'FUCK!' upstairs by himself where he'd gone to calm down as an argument we were having was going nowhere and slamming the front door on his way out to go and calm down (and he apologised later for raising his voice IN A DIFFERENT ROOM TO ME and slamming the door). If I catch myself starting to raise my voice or shout, I go NOPE and walk away. I will not use my inability to manage my feelings or frustration in a moment as an excuse to turn that frustration on him, because it is neither kind, nor respectful, nor a good way to resolve anything at all.

It isn't normal for your partner to be screaming AT you. Even less normal or acceptable for them to be calling you names. And even less so again because you asked him to be a parent.

If he genuinely can't control his actions over such a minor issue, you'd expect him to be doing this at small inconveniences at work all the time - does he?

ClemDanFango · 31/10/2021 18:55

You’re all wasting your breath. She’s not going to listen.

Pickles89 · 31/10/2021 18:57

I'm confused what you wanted from this thread OP!

OP: My husband's a dick

MN: Yes, yes he is!

OP: How dare you say that! He's a Hero and everything is wonderful!

CaptSkippy · 31/10/2021 19:01

OP, I think many of the replies (mine included) may have made you feel somewhat defensive.

Is it possible to walk away from this thread for a day or two and then reread it?

toomuchlaundry · 31/10/2021 19:01

You are a teacher, you will have done safeguarding courses. I assume if this was another family you would be reporting your concerns (or should be). Why can't you recognise it is wrong in your family.

Immaculatemisconception · 31/10/2021 19:02

@Exhausted111

Please, define ‘abuse’ in your eyes. I’m genuinely interested to know. And if you could also tell me where you all found such seemingly perfect men who never lose their tempers? And I assume you are also all perfect and never lose your tempers either? Or are you all single, waiting for a man who offers a level of perfection you yourselves do not possess?

I am a wonderful mother, my children are wonderful children, who in my opinion know the true meaning and love, warts and all. As a teacher I deal day in day out with children who do not have the benefit of the parenting that I and my husband offer our children. But sometimes we have disagreements. And sometimes my husband has mental health issues (which tend to manifest themselves in nightmares and him not getting out of bed) and sometimes he is just plain unreasonable because he’s just being a bit of a ‘dick’. And I dare say sometimes I am the same. But, hey, what I call balanced thinking, you call denial. Burn all men. Let’s agree to disagree.

My DH has never lost his temper with me or called me names. It's really not a normal part of a loving relationship.

Your children are being raised in an abusive household. Get a grip.

DumpedByText · 31/10/2021 19:02

He's being a dick!

My brother is like this, he will only take 'his' holidays when kids are in school, and won't cover childcare during school hols. He says his holidays are for him! Some days his wife has to pay £75 for holiday club, he won't contribute either.

His wife deserves a medal putting up with his shit.

littlestmunchkin · 31/10/2021 19:05

My ex was like this and was diagnosed with MH issues but he was still a dick and it was not ok. MH issues do not give a free pass to abusive behaviour .

FigureofEight · 31/10/2021 19:08

If the shouting and name calling is filed away under his MH issues, why mention it in your op?

The aibu is that there's been a disagreement about taking time off from work to share the care of sick child.

You have, probably subconsciously, dripped this in because it's a big issue for you.

People have pointed out the issue with it correctly and you've got incredibly defensive.

getintheseaharold · 31/10/2021 19:08

I worked with a senior guy who was ex Army. He shouted and screamed. He made my life hell and was vindictive and nasty and borderline abusive.

His behaviour was accepted because of his past too.

His behaviour still has profound impacts on me to this day. I will never forgive him for that.

It's not acceptable OP.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 31/10/2021 19:09

Well if you think you aren't being abused wait till your DC become lovely horrible teenagers.
Teen DC doesn't get his or her own way/you refuse them something/punish them for bad behaviour so they turn round & scream at you that 'you're a fucking cunt'
Because they've heard their father shout it at you when he's angry.
They think it's normal behaviour.
It isn't
I've seen this played out in so many families where the Mother gets verbally abused by the kids because they've seen/heard the Father do it.

SlugRose · 31/10/2021 19:09

@CaptSkippy

OP, I think many of the replies (mine included) may have made you feel somewhat defensive.

Is it possible to walk away from this thread for a day or two and then reread it?

I agree I think this would be a good idea
MilkywayMonarch22 · 31/10/2021 19:10

Mental health and having served in the Army is not an excuse for verbal abuse of your partner, it is also frightening for children if they ever witness it, and to normalise it doesn't take away from the fact.

He's being selfish and rude, he needs to take the days off

Salayes · 31/10/2021 19:10

I think you must know things are worse than just some disagreements from time to time. You seem to almost idolise him for his service and excuse a lot because of it. To me, it’s normal to like and respect our partners, but the way you describe him is kind of hero worshipping.

It’s so sad you seem to believe that what he does is normal and ok because of who he is and his experiences in service. Is that what you’ll say to your kids too? It’s ok if daddy yells and screams and calls me every name under the sun because he’s a great man. What about if he does that to them? Will you say it’s ok it’s his MH and this is normal and he’s an amazing person? Because that’s a huge amount of cognitive dissonance you’ll be passing on - the same kind that’s got you fuming and lashing out at everyone else and desperately describing you and him as wonderful parents.

WonderfulYou · 31/10/2021 19:11

And if you could also tell me where you all found such seemingly perfect men who never lose their tempers? And I assume you are also all perfect and never lose your tempers either?

Everyone has arguments. Everyone loses their temper.
But not many adults shout, scream and call the person they supposedly love names, especially over something so trivial as having a day off to look after your child!
I dread to think how you act if it was actually something bad.

Do you condone a parent screaming and calling their child names if they disagree with something?

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