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Original poster

HELP! Partner wants 50/50 custody of our baby

199 replies

Newmum1998 · 30/10/2021 21:11

Just wondering how the hell you are supposed to split custody with a 5 month old baby?

Partner wants exact 50/50 split..however it won’t really be 50/50 as he will be working most of the days he plans to have baby so has said his mum will look after baby while he is working and he will see baby at night and I’m still off on maternity leave for the next 4 months.

Thing is I’ve done everything for baby since he was born. This is part of the reason I want to split, it’s made me totally resent my partner. He’s only recently started working so he hasn’t even had that excuse. He talks a good talk though and portrays himself as an amazing dad to everyone. He constantly posts pictures of our baby online with big captions about how he’s never been so happy, being a dad is the best thing to ever happen to him etc but the reality is he plays with baby for 5 minutes or occasionally takes him a 20 minute walk and then as soon as baby needs anything he hands him straight back over to me. If he’s taking him out on a walk he won’t even put a jacket and hat on baby he asks me to do it. The only exception is when his parents visit and then he totally takes over and actually won’t let me do anything if I try.

Another thing is he won’t even look after baby and let me run up to the shops or get a shower. When he’s at home he often lies in bed half the day sleeping and then when he gets up he’s right in the shower and then he goes out for a haircut or to the shops for as long and meanwhile I’ve been looking after baby all night and morning and I’m still in pjs and haven’t had a chance to shower yet most of the time.

He gets annoyed when baby wakes him up during the night or when baby is crying as well. I know his mum would happily look after our son every day and night just about so he wouldn’t have any problems pawning him off on her but I’m really not happy with his mother looking after him so much either for a few reasons I don’t really want to get into in this post or it’ll just be ridiculously long.

He talks a lot about when our son is older and all the places he is looking forward to taking him to and things he can’t wait to do with him so I’m not sure if it’s just maybe that he doesn’t really enjoy the baby stage, not that I think that’s an excuse not to look after your own child !

Anyway when I try and explain to him that I don’t think quite 50/50 is best he hits the roof ! He accuses me of taking his son away from him and preventing him from seeing his son and that I have ruined his life etc. This is also part of the reason I want to split, I can never have a reasonable conversation with him about anything! If he disagrees he just goes on a rager!

Anyway, I’m sure if it went to court, probably just out of spite, he would just lie and say he does loads for baby cause he lies about anything and everything.

Ugh, what the hell am I supposed to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum1998 · 30/10/2021 21:14

I feel I should add that I just don’t agree with 50/50 at the moment because our son is so young and has only ever really known me. I feel like his dad should start doing more things for him first and build up to more and more visits so bubba is comfortable with him looking after him too.

OP posts:
fatshitcrazy · 30/10/2021 21:23

Keep a log of what he has done for the baby and refuse 50/50. If he does take you to court then you can show that you have been the primary carer. I doubt a judge would grant 50/50 over a baby when the primary carer is available to look after them and the other parent is not. It's supposed to be about the best interests of the child not the parent.

moita · 30/10/2021 21:28

He sounds useless. Do you really think he actually wants 50/50 or is he throwing words around to frighten you?

I

britnay · 30/10/2021 21:29

he only wants 50:50, because then he won't have to pay maintenance.

TheOccupier · 30/10/2021 21:30

Are you breastfeeding?

LaurieFairyCake · 30/10/2021 21:31

Well you don't have to worry about it - it won't happen for a year or longer Thanks

Evelyn52 · 30/10/2021 21:31

No judge would agree 50/50 in this scenario xx

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 30/10/2021 21:32

No I’m not breastfeeding anymore :(

OP posts:
ToykotoLosAngeles · 30/10/2021 21:32

@britnay

he only wants 50:50, because then he won't have to pay maintenance.
Yup. Spot on.
KeyboardWorriers · 30/10/2021 21:33

"I doubt a judge would grant 50/50 over a baby when the primary carer is available to look after them and the other parent is not. It's supposed to be about the best interests of the child not the parent."

I wish I shared your optimism. But I have supported too many women through the English family court system (after experiencing the rough justice myself).

I strongly recommend getting a decent lawyer Op. Also time to accept that cafcass hold most of the power in the court system and will barely spend any time on your case and their primary driver does not really seem to be the well-being of children.

Sorry. I hate how shit the system is at the moment. But I wish I had gone in with my eyes open instead of naively thinking the system would put the needs (and safety) of my children first.

AmandaHoldensLips · 30/10/2021 21:34

Let him take you to court.
It won't happen.

KeyboardWorriers · 30/10/2021 21:35

"he only wants 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance"

Yep. Mine only wanted it on paper he has never actually taken anywhere near all of his contact time

BananaPB · 30/10/2021 21:35

Suggest he takes you to court. A judge wouldn't order 50/50 right now and it sounds like you are open to it in future which is very reasonable. Does his mother live near enough to you so that nursery/school runs are possible in future?

picklemewalnuts · 30/10/2021 21:36

@Newmum1998

No I’m not breastfeeding anymore :(
Can you try again?
MassiveHoard · 30/10/2021 21:36

Don't let him intimidate you. Easier said than done I know, but he's trying to get inside your head. 50-50 for such a young baby is not in the best interests of the child, he should know that. He's an arsehole.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/10/2021 21:40

No...

Just no..

Let him do his worst... No judge would award 50:50 care to Such a young baby and to a parent who is hopeless and will intend dumping a small baby on a relative for most of the time on his 'contact :.

I'd get some proper family law advice from a solicitor expert in these things

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 30/10/2021 21:40

Inagree with the pps who said he just doesnt want to pay maintenance. Of you have in writing at all he said his mum will look after the baby, then that proves it. Don't let him bully you. Only agree 50/50 if it is actually 50/50, costs, emotional load everything, and allows you to progress your career. Soell out what 50/50 means.

Dont let him threaten you with court.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 21:44

Not disagreeing, but part of me wonders that if he truly is useless and only performs for an hour at a time in front of family and friends....., why not let him have 50/50 to start? He will not be able to sleep all night, or have a morning lie in. He’ll have to do the nappy changes, feeding and bathing.

I think he’d last six hours before bringing baby back to you and happily agreeing to one or two days a week.....

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 30/10/2021 21:45

First thought, like PP have mentioned, is maintenance.

Outline everything you have done, he hasnt earned the right for 50/50.

Motherland101 · 30/10/2021 21:46

@PlanDeRaccordement

Not disagreeing, but part of me wonders that if he truly is useless and only performs for an hour at a time in front of family and friends....., why not let him have 50/50 to start? He will not be able to sleep all night, or have a morning lie in. He’ll have to do the nappy changes, feeding and bathing.

I think he’d last six hours before bringing baby back to you and happily agreeing to one or two days a week.....

I think that's why he already said that his mum (baby's GM) will be the one looking after the baby. Disgraceful.
Pumpkinsondisplay · 30/10/2021 21:48

Guidance I read said under 18 months isn't in a baby's best interests to have overnights away from dm...

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 30/10/2021 21:49

@PlanDeRaccordement yes this is what I’m thinking as well...I can’t really see him doing it, especially as baby is still up as often during the night and likes to start his mornings anywhere from 5-6 in the morning usually lol. my fear is that’ll he’ll just leave baby crying for ages though Sad

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 21:51

@Motherland101
To be fair, OP said the baby would be at his mum’s “while he is at work”. If that is true extent of it, I don’t find that disgraceful at all. Many single mothers use relatives as childcare when they work. Myself, my DC were in nursery from 11 weeks old because I went back to work FT. So I’m not going to condemn any man or woman using childcare options while they work.

NumberZ · 30/10/2021 21:54

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@Motherland101
To be fair, OP said the baby would be at his mum’s “while he is at work”. If that is true extent of it, I don’t find that disgraceful at all. Many single mothers use relatives as childcare when they work. Myself, my DC were in nursery from 11 weeks old because I went back to work FT. So I’m not going to condemn any man or woman using childcare options while they work.[/quote]
Even if the other parents is available while they work?

BananaPB · 30/10/2021 21:54

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@Motherland101
To be fair, OP said the baby would be at his mum’s “while he is at work”. If that is true extent of it, I don’t find that disgraceful at all. Many single mothers use relatives as childcare when they work. Myself, my DC were in nursery from 11 weeks old because I went back to work FT. So I’m not going to condemn any man or woman using childcare options while they work.[/quote]
But OP is on maternity leave for 4 more months. It wouldn't make sense for 50/50 now