HELP! Partner wants 50/50 custody of our baby

[Newmum1998]

Just wondering how the hell you are supposed to split custody with a 5 month old baby?

Partner wants exact 50/50 split..however it won’t really be 50/50 as he will be working most of the days he plans to have baby so has said his mum will look after baby while he is working and he will see baby at night and I’m still off on maternity leave for the next 4 months.

Thing is I’ve done everything for baby since he was born. This is part of the reason I want to split, it’s made me totally resent my partner. He’s only recently started working so he hasn’t even had that excuse. He talks a good talk though and portrays himself as an amazing dad to everyone. He constantly posts pictures of our baby online with big captions about how he’s never been so happy, being a dad is the best thing to ever happen to him etc but the reality is he plays with baby for 5 minutes or occasionally takes him a 20 minute walk and then as soon as baby needs anything he hands him straight back over to me. If he’s taking him out on a walk he won’t even put a jacket and hat on baby he asks me to do it. The only exception is when his parents visit and then he totally takes over and actually won’t let me do anything if I try.

Another thing is he won’t even look after baby and let me run up to the shops or get a shower. When he’s at home he often lies in bed half the day sleeping and then when he gets up he’s right in the shower and then he goes out for a haircut or to the shops for as long and meanwhile I’ve been looking after baby all night and morning and I’m still in pjs and haven’t had a chance to shower yet most of the time.

He gets annoyed when baby wakes him up during the night or when baby is crying as well. I know his mum would happily look after our son every day and night just about so he wouldn’t have any problems pawning him off on her but I’m really not happy with his mother looking after him so much either for a few reasons I don’t really want to get into in this post or it’ll just be ridiculously long.

He talks a lot about when our son is older and all the places he is looking forward to taking him to and things he can’t wait to do with him so I’m not sure if it’s just maybe that he doesn’t really enjoy the baby stage, not that I think that’s an excuse not to look after your own child !

Anyway when I try and explain to him that I don’t think quite 50/50 is best he hits the roof ! He accuses me of taking his son away from him and preventing him from seeing his son and that I have ruined his life etc. This is also part of the reason I want to split, I can never have a reasonable conversation with him about anything! If he disagrees he just goes on a rager!

Anyway, I’m sure if it went to court, probably just out of spite, he would just lie and say he does loads for baby cause he lies about anything and everything.

Ugh, what the hell am I supposed to do.

Apologies, legal aid will cover you. But just because you get legal aid if you’re not happy with the solicitor do say so.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Inagree with the pps who said he just doesnt want to pay maintenance. Of you have in writing at all he said his mum will look after the baby, then that proves it. Don't let him bully you. Only agree 50/50 if it is actually 50/50, costs, emotional load everything, and allows you to progress your career. Soell out what 50/50 means.

Dont let him threaten you with court.

That won’t work as Mummy will do it.

Sorry wrong post. I quoted.

Give him 'baby' . And stop all contact.

..as in, block him. Stay in a bnb for a couple of days. Go on holiday. Turkey has wonderful deals right now.

What have you got to lose? He wants to be the 50/50 dad then let him. Wish I had that option. If he's a CF he won't step up and.... voila. 'Baby' is back.
Meanwhile, Turkey beckons. Or camping in the New Forest. Or just staying at a mate's for a few days.

No he can't because it's more like 50/50 with his grandma and you not with him and you really. I agree with a previous poster he doesn't want to pay child Maintenance and is using his m as free child care. This is not in the babies best interest imo. I think you should refuse to do 50/50 and log all the things he does and doesn't do.

I'm glad you are away from him op. Stay strong and don't cave in. Follow the advice you are given by your solicitor and women's said etc.

Record everything on your phone, him moaning when baby cries, him asking you to dress baby for a walk, him going out on his own. Him still being in bed at lunchtime.

@britnay

he only wants 50:50, because then he won't have to pay maintenance.

Yes absolutely, this sounds like the primary reason, second being perhaps control/revenge, very sad :( Can understand your upset, must feel awful situation for you x

Put your foot down don't let him, he only wants 50/ 50 so he doesn't have to give you money. I wouldn't even let him have him overnight at that age.
Ignore him he's trying to control you don't let him , under any circumstances.
Be strong if not for yourself for your baby, take charge and don't stand his bullshit. X

@Newmum1998 well done for getting out and getting things sorted Make sure you have good support around you and remember self care.

@Wereeaglesdare

I just want to tell you I'm going through the court system currently the first thing my Ex partner was told after applying for a childcare order is there is nothing they can do if I decide to go against the court order. I agree with parents who have been involved. However my ex used the court system as a way to bully me for years and the first thing they said was they cannot make me give custody even though I will point out he gets weekly sleepovers.

Please do not stress you do not have to give access no one is going to come for you and what access you deem reasonable is fair as you are the primary carer.

I would make sure you get your own place get child benefit in your name and apply for a residency order which says the child lives with you. Give this bully no more power. I'm sure you will get the misogyny army harping on about fathers rights on here. But I'm sure they have never been bullied constantly by sub par parents whos only intention for access is in the best interests of themselves and not their children.
Please don't make yourself ill like I did there's nothing they will do if you have concerns and even decide to pull access.

I don’t know who gave you that information, but if you breach a court order, you can be summoned back to court and an enforcement order placed on you, that means if you fail to make the children available at the court ordered time, you can be fined/ be sent to prison and in some cases lose the children to the other parent

I’ve should have actually mentioned in my update that ex didn’t even ask the court for 50/50 surprisingly, so maybe his mum wasn’t on board after all
Just every other weekend, Saturday half the day, and half the holidays, every other Christmas Eve to Christmas and 4 hours every birthday

Ex knows I don’t want him to have our son every weekend so that he can have downtime with both of us and both sides of his family as we all work all week, I tried to compromise with Sunday night for dinner one week as he couldn’t do during the week because of his work but he said he wants Saturday 9-12 and wouldn’t give me a reason why
Also hoping he doesn’t get 4 hours every birthday as that just seems like it would cause problems when our son is older and wants to make plans
I suggested every other birthday instead
Also not sure about agreeing to half the holidays just yet as our baby is under 1 and that is a long way away yet

You’ve been so brave. I hope the court case isn’t too traumatic.

I also doubt court will give him the full weekend straight away as he has never even looked after our baby a full day or night on his own and our son doesn’t seem to have any relationship with his dad at all or even seem to know who he is so it will really need to be built up for our sons Sake especially as he is under 1
But now there is domestic abuse involved and ex turns out to have a criminal history of domestic abuse convictions I’m not so sure what the court will decide

So glad you are standing up for yourself and baby. Good luck. You've been really brave.

@Jamallama

He's the baby's father so 50% is reasonable. After all, the baby is 50% him. There is no good reason to refuse.

Ha ha very funny

We're all behind you OP

It's very fair to say you want a full weekend with your dc of fact the judge in our case actually ruled out him seeing them every Saturday as it would be so limiting on what we could do- never go away for a weekend etc

I never even thought of not ever being able to take my son away for the weekend
I’m glad the judge ruled Saturday out I’m your case,
I Hope the judge I have does the same
I was worried I would only ever get to see my baby before and after work if ex gets every weekend

50/50 would be great if he was a good father but it's ridiculous to want to take the baby half the time just for his mother to look after, I doubt a court would grant that especially since you're on Mat leave

@Newmum1998

I never even thought of not ever being able to take my son away for the weekend I’m glad the judge ruled Saturday out I’m your case, I Hope the judge I have does the same I was worried I would only ever get to see my baby before and after work if ex gets every weekend

He wouldn't get every weekend, no way