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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HELP! Partner wants 50/50 custody of our baby

199 replies

Newmum1998 · 30/10/2021 21:11

Just wondering how the hell you are supposed to split custody with a 5 month old baby?

Partner wants exact 50/50 split..however it won’t really be 50/50 as he will be working most of the days he plans to have baby so has said his mum will look after baby while he is working and he will see baby at night and I’m still off on maternity leave for the next 4 months.

Thing is I’ve done everything for baby since he was born. This is part of the reason I want to split, it’s made me totally resent my partner. He’s only recently started working so he hasn’t even had that excuse. He talks a good talk though and portrays himself as an amazing dad to everyone. He constantly posts pictures of our baby online with big captions about how he’s never been so happy, being a dad is the best thing to ever happen to him etc but the reality is he plays with baby for 5 minutes or occasionally takes him a 20 minute walk and then as soon as baby needs anything he hands him straight back over to me. If he’s taking him out on a walk he won’t even put a jacket and hat on baby he asks me to do it. The only exception is when his parents visit and then he totally takes over and actually won’t let me do anything if I try.

Another thing is he won’t even look after baby and let me run up to the shops or get a shower. When he’s at home he often lies in bed half the day sleeping and then when he gets up he’s right in the shower and then he goes out for a haircut or to the shops for as long and meanwhile I’ve been looking after baby all night and morning and I’m still in pjs and haven’t had a chance to shower yet most of the time.

He gets annoyed when baby wakes him up during the night or when baby is crying as well. I know his mum would happily look after our son every day and night just about so he wouldn’t have any problems pawning him off on her but I’m really not happy with his mother looking after him so much either for a few reasons I don’t really want to get into in this post or it’ll just be ridiculously long.

He talks a lot about when our son is older and all the places he is looking forward to taking him to and things he can’t wait to do with him so I’m not sure if it’s just maybe that he doesn’t really enjoy the baby stage, not that I think that’s an excuse not to look after your own child !

Anyway when I try and explain to him that I don’t think quite 50/50 is best he hits the roof ! He accuses me of taking his son away from him and preventing him from seeing his son and that I have ruined his life etc. This is also part of the reason I want to split, I can never have a reasonable conversation with him about anything! If he disagrees he just goes on a rager!

Anyway, I’m sure if it went to court, probably just out of spite, he would just lie and say he does loads for baby cause he lies about anything and everything.

Ugh, what the hell am I supposed to do.

OP posts:
Seasonschange · 31/10/2021 12:19

Are you still living with him? How long till you move out?

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 12:21

@MadinMarch that’s a good idea actually. I do think this will all probably lead to mediation but I never thought about having his mother there and mine! Good thinking, thank you.

OP posts:
Jamallama · 31/10/2021 12:54

So basically, it's not about the baby at all then.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 31/10/2021 16:19

@KeyboardWorriers apologies accepted thanks for that. If it helps at all I have total sympathy for you it sounds like an utter nightmare, I’m sorry you have had to go through that fight with your Ex and with your child. It sounds very stressful. I hope that things get better. Flowers

CherryBlossomAutumn · 31/10/2021 16:29

it’s a very modern thing to imply the female maternal role had no impact on a child and can be easily replaced by the paternal care giver. It’s almost an indoctrination that goes hand in hand with all the other bullshit being fed to us

100% this. We need to wake up as women. We are the main carer for our children in 95% of cases, and our role has been eroded by so called ‘equality’ - which is just in my mind misogyny in a different guise. It’s quite insidious as it presented as just the poor father wanting a relationship with his kids, when it’s all about control and ownership.

It’s always a litmus test for me thinking of what the actual child needs. They need a consistent carer, they need security, financial and emotional, they need low conflict. 50/50 has zero evidence of being better than one main parent, and a lot of evidence that it’s not great for the kids in a situation where one parent is forced into this. It only seems to work with a high level of agreement and cooperation. And even in this case it is no better for the child’s relationship with the father. The men often pushing for this, it always seems from reading mumsnet and hearing stories from others, are often men with abusive or misogynistic attitudes. In this case, the father is clearly not concerned at all about his baby having the best care, or about providing financially.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 31/10/2021 16:35

He's the baby's father so 50% is reasonable. After all, the baby is 50% him. Are you aware @Jamallama that you are talking about a baby like a commodity? The baby is not % of anyone, no-one ‘owns’ it or should talk about him as if he is something to be owned. That is exactly how the father obviously sees it, mirrored in your response.

romany4 · 31/10/2021 16:47

Jamallama
He's the baby's father so 50% is reasonable.
After all, the baby is 50% him.
There is no good reason to refuse

There is when he's done Fuck all parenting so far!
Are you for real??

Jamallama · 31/10/2021 16:57

According to the op, he wants to, she won't let him.

Jamallama · 31/10/2021 17:00

@CherryBlossomAutumn he's the baby's father, you know, was there at conception, helped to create the baby, that kind of thing.
He has just as much right to his child as the mother.
Unpopular concept I know.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/10/2021 17:09

[quote Jamallama]@CherryBlossomAutumn he's the baby's father, you know, was there at conception, helped to create the baby, that kind of thing.
He has just as much right to his child as the mother.
Unpopular concept I know.[/quote]
Again, it's not about his "rights", it's about what is best for the 5 month old baby whose primary caregiver is the mother.

Jamallama · 31/10/2021 17:22

What's right is that the baby gets to know the parents equally.
The father can be just as good a caregiver as the mother.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 31/10/2021 19:26

Baby will be getting on for 2 the way the courts are at the minute. Move out if thats what you think you will have to do, Offer him what you think is reasonable and if he doesnt like ot let him get a lawyer

I hope he has money though. My son's now spent 24k , hasn't seen the dc since Jan and we now have to wait for cafcass to do their assessment so it's unlikely that he will have any access until next year

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 31/10/2021 21:34

@Jamallama

What's right is that the baby gets to know the parents equally. The father can be just as good a caregiver as the mother.
But he isnt.
CherryBlossomAutumn · 31/10/2021 22:25

@Jamallama rights from parents and 50% ownership this is a morally corrupt and pretty awful way of viewing a babies needs in this world. No rights, only responsibilities. They aren’t property, kids, not anymore, we have evolved we hope into a kinder society who sees children as what their needs are not parents rights over them. Bleurgh.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 31/10/2021 22:34

was there at conception

I think that says it all!

Apparently you just have to turn up, have sex, and you have a 50% right/share over a human. Who cares what’s best for the baby, who cares about continuity of care, about the babies needs? And anyway, 50% share means you can give it to whoever you like to do that bothersome ‘caring’ stuff. After all, you turned up to conception, what the hell else does a child need? Angry

timeisnotaline · 31/10/2021 22:46

@Jamallama

What's right is that the baby gets to know the parents equally. The father can be just as good a caregiver as the mother.
Again, no. What’s right is what’s best for the baby. That is not necessarily handing them over 50% to a parent who has never done any care. It is right the baby know and have contact with their father and the opportunity to increase that contact arise. 50/50 custody of a small baby is usually not the best for the baby.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/10/2021 22:51

@Jamallama

What's right is that the baby gets to know the parents equally. The father can be just as good a caregiver as the mother.
Not at 5 months old when the primary caregiver has been the mother. And no judge would agree with that.
apalledandshocked · 31/10/2021 22:55

Be chatting to a female friend on the phone about how at least soon you'll be able to go on some nights out every so often when the baby is being looked after by his dad. Laugh and say "Oh, I'm definitely not going to start seriously dating anytime soon" etc etc.
Make sure he accidentally overhears it.
I'm not saying it will definitely work but it may well change his mind a little if he thinks you might use the time to have fun/find some independence etc

CherryBlossomAutumn · 31/10/2021 23:09

Lots of “I want 50/50’ or full custody, especially if accompanied by ‘my mum will do it’ are empty threats as above post hints at. Not to say you shouldn’t get legal advice, move out, and set the custody agreement that you think is best for your baby (you will know what works best for the baby, so centre it on your babies needs, not the father’s needs).

My Ex was all for ‘threatening’ 50 / 50 and full custody, even though getting him to take our son for even an hour was difficult pre-divorce. And even then he’d be on his phone totally ignoring him.

Fast forward to a few years later. I couldn’t go on a planned holiday with my friends for a week because Ex couldn’t commit to looking after his own son for a full week. So, much of this can be posturing.

Bizawit · 31/10/2021 23:11

@CherryBlossomAutumn

He's the baby's father so 50% is reasonable. After all, the baby is 50% him. Are you aware *@Jamallama* that you are talking about a baby like a commodity? The baby is not % of anyone, no-one ‘owns’ it or should talk about him as if he is something to be owned. That is exactly how the father obviously sees it, mirrored in your response.
This is so true, an excellent point
Bizawit · 31/10/2021 23:16

@CherryBlossomAutumn

it’s a very modern thing to imply the female maternal role had no impact on a child and can be easily replaced by the paternal care giver. It’s almost an indoctrination that goes hand in hand with all the other bullshit being fed to us

100% this. We need to wake up as women. We are the main carer for our children in 95% of cases, and our role has been eroded by so called ‘equality’ - which is just in my mind misogyny in a different guise. It’s quite insidious as it presented as just the poor father wanting a relationship with his kids, when it’s all about control and ownership.

It’s always a litmus test for me thinking of what the actual child needs. They need a consistent carer, they need security, financial and emotional, they need low conflict. 50/50 has zero evidence of being better than one main parent, and a lot of evidence that it’s not great for the kids in a situation where one parent is forced into this. It only seems to work with a high level of agreement and cooperation. And even in this case it is no better for the child’s relationship with the father. The men often pushing for this, it always seems from reading mumsnet and hearing stories from others, are often men with abusive or misogynistic attitudes. In this case, the father is clearly not concerned at all about his baby having the best care, or about providing financially.

100% this.
whynotwhatknot · 31/10/2021 23:29

hes abusive and you have proof-get some advice about what to do next

the man is doing this for control thats all

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 10/04/2022 16:46

Funny you say that!

Thanks for the updates everyone..
Little update:
I stayed with sons dad until he was 6 months
Lots of behaviour from ex I didn’t include in this
Post but after we split I tried to make things work and offer reasonable contact, short periods initially but regularly with looking to built up to days and overnights then eventually whole weekends etc
Ex was not happy with this to say the least, neither was his family, who thought just because he was his dad he should be able to show up whenever he wanted and take baby for however long ex wanted to totally disregarding the face he was totally absent for 6 months and our son has no relationship with his dad
This lead to a lot of threats of getting a lawyer and taking me to court constantly..

So I went to see a lawyer who advised me to report ex to the police for his behaviour towards me (as I say a lot I didn’t mention in this post because I didn’t recognise what he had been doing to me wasnt normal ) all the things that happened when we were together and after we split
The police charged ex with domestic abuse and it also turns out he has prior convictions for things that have happened with a few of his ex girlfriends and a police woman from the domestic abuse until told me ex has done this before and will do it again and it is a pattern of behaviour
The police also put in their report to health visitor that ex’s behaviour had caused psychological harm to me
And son
Day after ex was charged I received a letter form court that ex had applied to court for child contact and already he’s told them a bunch of lies so we’re not off to a good start Hmm
So yeah I’m just about to go through family court now with ex and not looking forward to it to say the least !
I’ve been in touch with womens aid and they are going to have a crisis worker come and see me and also I’m going to do the freedom programme so hope this all helps as feeling very down about the whole situation and nervous
It’s difficult coming to terms with who the person I had a child with is really like and dreading what more lies he will tell about me in court

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 10/04/2022 17:04

It's a good thing that you went to the police and that when you go to court your solicitor can reference the fact that he has a history of domestic abuse. Get legal advice for every step of this process so that you are the best prepared that you can be.

VioletLemon · 10/04/2022 17:05

Absolutely not. NO. You are the Mother, not his mum. I suspect this might be an attempt to avoid 18 years of maintenence. Speak to a good family lawyer and get something that covers you properly. It's not about his needs, it's about your lovely little baby and you. Men like this continue this pattern, the FB baby pics etc and the new relationships. Look after yourselves.

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