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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HELP! Partner wants 50/50 custody of our baby

199 replies

Newmum1998 · 30/10/2021 21:11

Just wondering how the hell you are supposed to split custody with a 5 month old baby?

Partner wants exact 50/50 split..however it won’t really be 50/50 as he will be working most of the days he plans to have baby so has said his mum will look after baby while he is working and he will see baby at night and I’m still off on maternity leave for the next 4 months.

Thing is I’ve done everything for baby since he was born. This is part of the reason I want to split, it’s made me totally resent my partner. He’s only recently started working so he hasn’t even had that excuse. He talks a good talk though and portrays himself as an amazing dad to everyone. He constantly posts pictures of our baby online with big captions about how he’s never been so happy, being a dad is the best thing to ever happen to him etc but the reality is he plays with baby for 5 minutes or occasionally takes him a 20 minute walk and then as soon as baby needs anything he hands him straight back over to me. If he’s taking him out on a walk he won’t even put a jacket and hat on baby he asks me to do it. The only exception is when his parents visit and then he totally takes over and actually won’t let me do anything if I try.

Another thing is he won’t even look after baby and let me run up to the shops or get a shower. When he’s at home he often lies in bed half the day sleeping and then when he gets up he’s right in the shower and then he goes out for a haircut or to the shops for as long and meanwhile I’ve been looking after baby all night and morning and I’m still in pjs and haven’t had a chance to shower yet most of the time.

He gets annoyed when baby wakes him up during the night or when baby is crying as well. I know his mum would happily look after our son every day and night just about so he wouldn’t have any problems pawning him off on her but I’m really not happy with his mother looking after him so much either for a few reasons I don’t really want to get into in this post or it’ll just be ridiculously long.

He talks a lot about when our son is older and all the places he is looking forward to taking him to and things he can’t wait to do with him so I’m not sure if it’s just maybe that he doesn’t really enjoy the baby stage, not that I think that’s an excuse not to look after your own child !

Anyway when I try and explain to him that I don’t think quite 50/50 is best he hits the roof ! He accuses me of taking his son away from him and preventing him from seeing his son and that I have ruined his life etc. This is also part of the reason I want to split, I can never have a reasonable conversation with him about anything! If he disagrees he just goes on a rager!

Anyway, I’m sure if it went to court, probably just out of spite, he would just lie and say he does loads for baby cause he lies about anything and everything.

Ugh, what the hell am I supposed to do.

OP posts:
Bizawit · 31/10/2021 10:06

@Jamallama

He's the baby's father so 50% is reasonable. After all, the baby is 50% him. There is no good reason to refuse.
🙄🙄🙄🙄😡
NumberZ · 31/10/2021 10:32

@Jamallama

He's the baby's father so 50% is reasonable. After all, the baby is 50% him. There is no good reason to refuse.
Then why isn’t he doing 50/50 of the care?
Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 11:12

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn Yes I do I have proof of all of it on WhatsApp

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 11:15

@RedToothBrush I don’t think I can be obstructive over access tbh especially if it does go to court that would just go against me..

I think I do have proof over whatsapp of him trying to kick me out though I will have to go back over our messages and check !

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 31/10/2021 11:16

Of course it’s maintenance related. So much of this is about control and money no matter how many women on this site want to say different.

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 11:18

@Jamallama even though I have cared for baby 99% of time since he was born?

I’m not against 50/50 in future but think it would b kinder to baby to build up to that and let him get used to his dad caring for him and me not being there first before just ripping him away from me half the time at 5 months old

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 31/10/2021 11:18

[quote Newmum1998]@RedToothBrush I don’t think I can be obstructive over access tbh especially if it does go to court that would just go against me..

I think I do have proof over whatsapp of him trying to kick me out though I will have to go back over our messages and check ![/quote]
Saying go to court is obstructive enough in its own right.

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 11:19

@FreeBritnee you know I never thought it was about money initially but I’m starting to think that myself now .. also definitely agree it’s about control

OP posts:
Hapoydayz · 31/10/2021 11:23

Sounds like it's control and money especially if he is not even going to be with the baby and his mum will do the caring. It seems cruel to the baby for him to remove him from its mum who is on maternity leave for half the time. I can't see a judge agreeing to this

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 11:23

@RedToothBrush it’s him that wants to go to court tbh I’d really rather not and settle it between ourselves but he’s not up to any negotiation. Again, I do have proof of that over whatsapp. He constantly hits out with “it’s lawyer time” and “you’ll hear from my solicitor” etc but he’s not went to anyone yet as far as I know

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 11:25

He also had a couple dodgy things on his record as well like years ago sending someone abusive threatening messages and also another thing was threatening someone a few years back all of which I only found out about recently so don’t know if that would actually deter him from going to court

He wasn’t actually charged with anything though he basically just got a telling off over it

Funny thing is I have lots of messages of him being quite abuisve towards me over text too

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 11:26

So can’t say I’m really surprised to be honest.

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 31/10/2021 11:32

Also it’s a very modern thing to imply the female maternal role had no impact on a child and can be easily replaced by the paternal care giver. It’s almost an indoctrination that goes hand in hand with all the other bullshit being fed to us re, gender identity etc.

A five month old baby needs care and nurture from a reliable source. That will give them a strong foundation to grow from. This male does not sound as though he will be providing this level of care and thus should not be pushing for 50/50. From what information the OP has provided he will be passing the baby over to another relative to provide that care. Which may be absolutely fine but does no way to compare to the bond with the mother. So he is basically punishing the mother by removing the child and he now has the law on his side. This is progressive apparently.

User983590521 · 31/10/2021 11:32

Can you use messages to put your side eg that you do all of the baby care and he does very little, you don't see why baby should be left with his mum while you are available to look after him etc, to get his responses?
That would give evidence that he's not the great dad he says he is.

Have you looked into getting registered as homeless, if he kicks you out?

Once you are working, could you work on the days of his contact? Then baby could be with you more, rather than with your mum.

StoneColdBitch · 31/10/2021 11:36

@Newmum1998

Does anyone have any suggestions for what would be a reasonable amount of contact for such a young baby?

When I start back work my baby is going to be passed around from me, my mum, ex partners mum and ex partner at 9 months old ! He’s 5 months at the moment and has been cared for by me 99% of the time Sad

How the hell do we go about this in the least unsettling way for baby ?

Plenty of 9-month-olds go to nursery or a childminder. Four consistent, involved, related caregivers isn't bad compared to potentially lots of different staff at nursery. I think the proposed arrangement for when you return to work sounds fine and no more unsettling than plenty of other potential childcare arrangements.

I agree 50/50 now makes no sense. 9 months may end up being too soon. But it is perfectly reasonable for him to have frequent, regular contact, even if that includes his mum helping with childcare.

RedToothBrush · 31/10/2021 11:40

[quote Newmum1998]@RedToothBrush it’s him that wants to go to court tbh I’d really rather not and settle it between ourselves but he’s not up to any negotiation. Again, I do have proof of that over whatsapp. He constantly hits out with “it’s lawyer time” and “you’ll hear from my solicitor” etc but he’s not went to anyone yet as far as I know[/quote]
He is trying to intimidate you to agree on his terms, rather being serious about going to court imho.

If he was going to lawyer up, he'd just get on and do it rather than issuing threats to.

Call his bluff on it.

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 11:40

@FreeBritnee agreed. Ex partner dad always makes comments when they’re over and ex mil is holding baby that he must think she is his mummy because we both look similarish ie have dark hair and are quite short light eyes etc. And he said a few times he “wonders if babies know who their mums is” like what?? And ex mil has taken baby out a couple times and says she pretends she is his mummy and wonders if people walking by wonder if she is his mum ..don’t know if she is trying to be funny because she is in her 50s but it all makes me very uncomfortable.

They also been pushing to have baby over night from very young age and ex fil said recently me and ex partner will find baby spends a lot more time at their house staying over when he’s a bit older than what we realise..? Again, bit of a weird comment ..they’ve also said they would love to take him away on holiday or for a weekend

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 31/10/2021 11:41

@Newmum1998

He also had a couple dodgy things on his record as well like years ago sending someone abusive threatening messages and also another thing was threatening someone a few years back all of which I only found out about recently so don’t know if that would actually deter him from going to court

He wasn’t actually charged with anything though he basically just got a telling off over it

Funny thing is I have lots of messages of him being quite abuisve towards me over text too

And this kind of backs up what i think is going on. He has form for it.
Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 11:42

I suppose saying they would like to take him on holiday or away for weekend isn’t that weird when baby is older but just with everything else it all just makes me very uncomfortable and not keen on ex parents in law looking after child so much they also ask go against how I choose to parent my child and think they know better and won’t listen to me or ex partner. They have a lot of really toxic beliefs and the two children they have had are nothing short of absolutely awful tbh so really don’t feel like listening to their parenting beliefs.

Ugh, feel absolutely stuck

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 11:54

@StoneColdBitch thank you that makes me feel a bit better tbh. Hopefully he will get on fine and adjust well to the change.

OP posts:
ftw163532 · 31/10/2021 11:58

You are doing you and baby a disservice by continuing to brush his domestic abuse to one side like it's not completely relevant to this situation.

It is central to what's happening, not a trivial or unrelated side issue.

Speak to Women's Aid. Get proper legal advice (domestic abuse qualifies you for legal aid). Stop leaving out the domestic abuse when asking for advice unless you want faulty advice.

And don't make decisions based on what you imagine courts will do or from the diet of fear and coercion he's fed you.

Take competent and qualified advice - and give them the full picture so they can help you effectively.

MadinMarch · 31/10/2021 12:08

As for offering him some contact time now with the goal of building towards a 50/50 arrangement I’ve already done that but he hits the roof at that suggestion and accuses me of taking his child from him and ruining my sons relationship with his dad and his life etc which is what the problem is.

I suggest you detail what that plan would look like in writing to him, and be willing to negotiate small changes to it if he's willing to discuss it calmly.
If he disagrees with the fundamental premise of building up to more contact gradually, then call his bluff andtell him he can take it to Court to resolve the issue. At least this way, it turns the tables on him threatening to take you to Court which can be used to intimidate you.
Your baby is very young still to be spending a huge amount of time away from a parent who is on maternity leave and available to provide childcare, so Stick to your guns at the moment.
Longer term, I think mediation would be very useful, that also includes his mother and possibly yours too. I'd certainly want to hear from his mother that she is willing to be the main care giver 50% of the time on a permanent basis for the next 16 years before making any decisions about 50:50 contact arrangements.
Meanwhile, stick in an application for maintenance from your soon to be ex partner

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:10

@Newmum1998

Hi everyone

Thank you for all your responses.

We rent together but we can end our tenancy at any time. However he absolutely refuses to move out so it’ll have to be me who moves out to live with my family and wait on council housing as when I start back work in a few months I can only go back part time and I would struggle to find a place to rent on part time wages. I was told I would wait anywhere from 6 months to a year to be put in housing so will have to live with family until then which they are fine with. I suppose an upside of 50/50 would be that I could work more but still don’t think it is in the best interest of my baby to be passed from pillar to post. When I’m working my mum will look after baby so that’s 4 people baby would be passed around to.

I’ve gotten into a lot of debt due to partner not working for so long and me having to pay for everything. He also often stole money from me but that’s whole other story.. however he has a decent paying job now and his family are quite wealthy and wouldn’t have any problem paying for all court costs. I on the other hand have no idea how I would afford any of that and he knows it.

Ugh...

Sad

You'll have to end the tenancy if you move out. Do not move out and let him stay on with the existing joint tenancy. You can give notice and end the tenancy and it will be up to him to negotiate a sole tenancy with the landlord (or not)
Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/10/2021 12:14

@Jamallama

He's the baby's father so 50% is reasonable. After all, the baby is 50% him. There is no good reason to refuse.
Wrong. 50/50 is not recommended for a baby of that age, at 5 months old it's about what is best for the baby, not what is fair for the parents. 50/50 should only be attempted with older children.
itsallgoingpearshaped · 31/10/2021 12:16

Keep a detailed log of the minutes he spends with the baby and what he does/doesn't do for baby. By the sounds of it, he's all theoretical but can't deal with reality. Log will show that.

And tell him you'll see him in court. This is between you and him, not his mother.