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Original poster

HELP! Partner wants 50/50 custody of our baby

199 replies

Newmum1998 · 30/10/2021 21:11

Just wondering how the hell you are supposed to split custody with a 5 month old baby?

Partner wants exact 50/50 split..however it won’t really be 50/50 as he will be working most of the days he plans to have baby so has said his mum will look after baby while he is working and he will see baby at night and I’m still off on maternity leave for the next 4 months.

Thing is I’ve done everything for baby since he was born. This is part of the reason I want to split, it’s made me totally resent my partner. He’s only recently started working so he hasn’t even had that excuse. He talks a good talk though and portrays himself as an amazing dad to everyone. He constantly posts pictures of our baby online with big captions about how he’s never been so happy, being a dad is the best thing to ever happen to him etc but the reality is he plays with baby for 5 minutes or occasionally takes him a 20 minute walk and then as soon as baby needs anything he hands him straight back over to me. If he’s taking him out on a walk he won’t even put a jacket and hat on baby he asks me to do it. The only exception is when his parents visit and then he totally takes over and actually won’t let me do anything if I try.

Another thing is he won’t even look after baby and let me run up to the shops or get a shower. When he’s at home he often lies in bed half the day sleeping and then when he gets up he’s right in the shower and then he goes out for a haircut or to the shops for as long and meanwhile I’ve been looking after baby all night and morning and I’m still in pjs and haven’t had a chance to shower yet most of the time.

He gets annoyed when baby wakes him up during the night or when baby is crying as well. I know his mum would happily look after our son every day and night just about so he wouldn’t have any problems pawning him off on her but I’m really not happy with his mother looking after him so much either for a few reasons I don’t really want to get into in this post or it’ll just be ridiculously long.

He talks a lot about when our son is older and all the places he is looking forward to taking him to and things he can’t wait to do with him so I’m not sure if it’s just maybe that he doesn’t really enjoy the baby stage, not that I think that’s an excuse not to look after your own child !

Anyway when I try and explain to him that I don’t think quite 50/50 is best he hits the roof ! He accuses me of taking his son away from him and preventing him from seeing his son and that I have ruined his life etc. This is also part of the reason I want to split, I can never have a reasonable conversation with him about anything! If he disagrees he just goes on a rager!

Anyway, I’m sure if it went to court, probably just out of spite, he would just lie and say he does loads for baby cause he lies about anything and everything.

Ugh, what the hell am I supposed to do.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 30/10/2021 23:22

@PurpleOkapi

Presumably his mother knows how to care for a baby. So either she'll be doing everything (probably competently), or he'll quickly learn to do it himself. If he decides doing it himself is too much trouble, then 50/50 won't last long. I understand why you don't like it, and I'm not saying you should agree, but it doesn't sound to me like it would be the end of the world if he got 50/50.
The ops on maternity leave, why would she agree 50/50? His applying for 50/50 is applying for full responsibility in his time and he’s not capable. She is completely within her rights. If he turns up to court and says the truth, I never care for baby and I don’t know how and don’t want to but I want to hurt my ex so my mum will look after baby very well, they will say one hour per fortnight at ops house, supervised. Next.
PurpleOkapi · 30/10/2021 23:36

The ops on maternity leave, why would she agree 50/50? His applying for 50/50 is applying for full responsibility in his time and he’s not capable.

I'm pretty sure applying for 50/50 doesn't require swearing under oath that you'll never rely on childminders, relatives, or some combination. No one who had a job would ever be able to do it otherwise. You may be right that he can't get it without lying, but that's not the issue I was addressing.

I don’t know how and don’t want to but I want to hurt my ex

I don't see any reason to assume that given what OP's posted. If his motive was that he wanted to see his child as much as possible, what would he be doing differently? OP doesn't seem to have any doubts about the baby being properly cared for, and has said she'd be fine with this if it were him doing it himself rather than his mother doing it. She's not going to be more or less hurt based on who changes the nappies.

Obviously it's better for everyone if he learns to do it himself, and his mother teaching him will probably work better than OP trying to teach him. He's certainly not going to learn in one supervised hour per fortnight.

lisaandalan · 30/10/2021 23:51

Refuse 50/ 50 make sure you stand your ground, for you and your baby's sake.
Let him take you to court he won't get 50/ 50 he's not even going to be there.
Just doesn't want to pay maintenance.
Please do not give into him. X

KeyboardWorriers · 31/10/2021 00:02

There is some very naive advice on here. I mean, I wish all the courts operated the way people say they do on here.

I have seen all manner of abuse and awfulness dismissed as "different parenting styles" , I have supported mothers who are being told that breastfeeding is potentially parental alienation. ...

#thecourtsaid

timeisnotaline · 31/10/2021 00:06

@PurpleOkapi

The ops on maternity leave, why would she agree 50/50? His applying for 50/50 is applying for full responsibility in his time and he’s not capable.

I'm pretty sure applying for 50/50 doesn't require swearing under oath that you'll never rely on childminders, relatives, or some combination. No one who had a job would ever be able to do it otherwise. You may be right that he can't get it without lying, but that's not the issue I was addressing.

I don’t know how and don’t want to but I want to hurt my ex

I don't see any reason to assume that given what OP's posted. If his motive was that he wanted to see his child as much as possible, what would he be doing differently? OP doesn't seem to have any doubts about the baby being properly cared for, and has said she'd be fine with this if it were him doing it himself rather than his mother doing it. She's not going to be more or less hurt based on who changes the nappies.

Obviously it's better for everyone if he learns to do it himself, and his mother teaching him will probably work better than OP trying to teach him. He's certainly not going to learn in one supervised hour per fortnight.

He does like 15 minutes care at a time when asked. Does that sound like someone desperate to see their child every moment he can? He’d be doing as much as he could now knowing he won’t have this every night soon if it were about the baby, not just paying maintenance. Why would you take all the evidence he isn’t a good dad and doesn’t want to spend time with his child, against the fact the op does everything for her baby and decide to give him the benefit of the doubt? He can earn it in supervised contact.
Dixiechickonhols · 31/10/2021 00:07

You say partner. Is he on birth certificate if not he doesn’t have parental responsibility. He’s threatening you to try and get you to stay and or avoid maintenance.
Concentrate on you and baby and getting your duck in a row. Keep a record and get some legal advice try CAB as first port of call.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 31/10/2021 00:21

Absolutely 100% YANBU and this is one of the few times a court would also agree with you.

The child’s well-being is paramount and child needs continuity of care, especially for a baby. He’s just pouting, with absolutely no thought of how his baby’s wellbeing will be affected. Which of course it will. So he can take a bloody hike!

How dare he… he’s obviously feeling aggrieved and it’s all about losing control of his status as father, hence the wanting his mummy to look after his own kid. How mature of him. When there is a parent willing and able to look after his baby instead of his mum. So selfish.

Also, a lot of men do this so that they can say to themselves that they were not really abandoning their kids, or letting their kids down. And that it is evil mum who stopped them being a Dad. It really reveals that he’s not being a good father at all. A good father does what is best for his baby. Which is the opposite of stressing you out and demanding 50/50 and avoiding maintenance and looking like a ‘real’ Dad. A good father actually does what is actually best for his baby. Which is supporting you, the mother, who is able to take on majority care. He should be falling over himself to support you financially and emotionally.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 31/10/2021 00:25

@PurpleOkapi of course it matters who is looking after the child. And even the courts will take this into consideration. A child is viewed as being best placed with parents, and if the parent is arguing for 50/50, but only actually doing 20%, then the court will ask why they are refusing to let the child have a parent who is willing and able to do the 80%?

It would be the same as a mother who worked, but the Ex husband was at home willing and able to look after the child, but the mother refused and put the child into day care.

KeyboardWorriers · 31/10/2021 00:36

Bollocks @CherryBlossomAutumn . In addition to evidence of abuse, I also produced ample evidence that exH didn't even use all the contact time he already had. That he regularly didn't use it. They still gave him more time.

You have described how it should work. But that is not the reality in many courts at the moment

CherryBlossomAutumn · 31/10/2021 00:39

No need to bloody swear at me! @KeyboardWorriers

Courts don’t do that with babies under a year old. Older yes I imagine it’s a fight. So important the OP gets the custody sorted out now and then it’s much harder for her Ex to change later.

BiteySpears · 31/10/2021 00:41

Lol. No.

Let him take you to court. He doesn’t want to do 50% of the work of raising a baby. He wants to take your child away to punish you for ending the relationship and avoid paying you any child support.

It is absolutely not in your child’s best interests to be separated from their primary (and tbh, in reality ONLY) caregiver at such a young age. Courts generally order small bursts of frequent contact for babies. Overnights with the other parent generally begin around age two.

What is your housing situation? Do you rent or own? Who is on the lease if you rent?

KeyboardWorriers · 31/10/2021 00:42

Sort Cherry, I am just frustrated because this thread is a long string of people naively assuming the family courts are functioning rationally and in the best interests of children.

I am actually a lawyer (albeit in a different field) and have spent 5 years discovering just how flawed the family courts/cafcass are (my dad, a family court judge, did try and warn me- but I wanted to believe the naive advice I got on Mumsnet instead)

NumberZ · 31/10/2021 05:51

The baby will probably be over 1 by the time it got to court anyway.

I think we should teach our children that before they consider having s baby there is the real possibility they may only be with them half the time.

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 06:32

Hi everyone

Thank you for all your responses.

We rent together but we can end our tenancy at any time. However he absolutely refuses to move out so it’ll have to be me who moves out to live with my family and wait on council housing as when I start back work in a few months I can only go back part time and I would struggle to find a place to rent on part time wages. I was told I would wait anywhere from 6 months to a year to be put in housing so will have to live with family until then which they are fine with. I suppose an upside of 50/50 would be that I could work more but still don’t think it is in the best interest of my baby to be passed from pillar to post. When I’m working my mum will look after baby so that’s 4 people baby would be passed around to.

I’ve gotten into a lot of debt due to partner not working for so long and me having to pay for everything. He also often stole money from me but that’s whole other story.. however he has a decent paying job now and his family are quite wealthy and wouldn’t have any problem paying for all court costs. I on the other hand have no idea how I would afford any of that and he knows it.

Ugh...

Sad
OP posts:
KeyboardWorriers · 31/10/2021 06:41

I'm not saying dont fight it. Just go in with your eyes open.

Cafcass are the key people to win over. The judge almost always goes with their recommendations.

If you can't afford a lawyer you can represent yourself. Be calm and factual and make a proposal.of what you think will.work..

KeyboardWorriers · 31/10/2021 06:44

I found this course very helpful - www.courtconfidence.com

The people who prepared it are very aware of the failings of the current family court system but also have managed to give some good and practical advice

StoneColdBitch · 31/10/2021 08:06

Why is it OK for you to use your mum as childcare while you work, but not OK for him to do the same? I realise you'll be on maternity leave for the next few months, so 50/50 doesn't make sense yet, but why not start offering some contact time now with the aim of building up to 50/50 as your baby gets older? If he can't hack it, he'll back down. But he may step up and surprise you.

Kuachui · 31/10/2021 08:14

its so he doesnt have to pay you and that is all. tell him that he can take you to court.

wrote a list of everything he doesnt do and why he would be a nightmare 50/50 parent.
that you would fear for your babys safety because of how little hebinteracts or cares for the baby etc then go see a lawyer

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 08:29

@StoneColdBitch

It’s not a problem for him to use his mum as childcare while he’s working and I’m back at work too but at the moment I don’t see the point of him using his mum as childcare when I am off on maternity leave is what I meant. When I go back to work I’ll be using my mother as childcare too so although I don’t particularly want his mum looking after my son due to different parenting styles I know I can’t and it wouldn’t be fair to try and prevent that.

As for offering him some contact time now with the goal of building towards a 50/50 arrangement I’ve already done that but he hits the roof at that suggestion and accuses me of taking his child from him and ruining my sons relationship with his dad and his life etc which is what the problem is.

OP posts:
MajesticallyAwkward · 31/10/2021 08:29

Make sure you look into housing OP, if you are living with family your LA/SH provider may consider you housed and you would then loose any priority and that 6-12 month wait could be much longer.

It's most likely he's pushing for 50/50 because then he doesn't have to pay maintenance, while you're on maternity leave it's perfectly reasonable to refuse 50/50 however you'll find it more difficult when your mum is looking after your baby too.

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 31/10/2021 08:41

Does anyone have any suggestions for what would be a reasonable amount of contact for such a young baby?

When I start back work my baby is going to be passed around from me, my mum, ex partners mum and ex partner at 9 months old ! He’s 5 months at the moment and has been cared for by me 99% of the time Sad

How the hell do we go about this in the least unsettling way for baby ?

OP posts:
LIZS · 31/10/2021 08:52

Unless he is doing childcare whilst you work he does not need anything more than the odd half day. Overnights could follow later. Why is he not moving out?

RedToothBrush · 31/10/2021 08:53

How long will it take for anything to get to court?

He's being obstructive over moving out. Be obstructive over access.

Also if he's not willing to move out start documenting what hes doing, as its likely to be a situation that escalates.

At the moment i think he's trying to break and bully you rather than resolve peacefully. I think thats relevant in terms of the best interests of your child and how things move forward.

Also if you move out or end the tenancy you may make yourself intentionally homeless. If he askes you to leave or forces you to leave you may be in a different legal situation.

So its definitely worth looking at legal advice on a number of fronts.

My guess if he's suggesting his mum will look after the baby, is that he hasn't got the first fucking clue about going to court to get custody. And when reality kicks in, he will change where he stands significantly.

Don't view this in terms of what happens in the next month or two - its a long term game you are going to get into with this guy and you need to start viewing it through that lens rather than the here and now of what must be an extremely stressful and difficult situation.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 31/10/2021 08:59

accuses me of taking his child from him and ruining my sons relationship with his dad and his life
He will do this himself. His type always do. Do not fall for it.

Did you by any chance have these conversations via text / email?

Jamallama · 31/10/2021 09:46

He's the baby's father so 50% is reasonable.
After all, the baby is 50% him.
There is no good reason to refuse.