HELP! Partner wants 50/50 custody of our baby

[Newmum1998]

Just wondering how the hell you are supposed to split custody with a 5 month old baby?

Partner wants exact 50/50 split..however it won’t really be 50/50 as he will be working most of the days he plans to have baby so has said his mum will look after baby while he is working and he will see baby at night and I’m still off on maternity leave for the next 4 months.

Thing is I’ve done everything for baby since he was born. This is part of the reason I want to split, it’s made me totally resent my partner. He’s only recently started working so he hasn’t even had that excuse. He talks a good talk though and portrays himself as an amazing dad to everyone. He constantly posts pictures of our baby online with big captions about how he’s never been so happy, being a dad is the best thing to ever happen to him etc but the reality is he plays with baby for 5 minutes or occasionally takes him a 20 minute walk and then as soon as baby needs anything he hands him straight back over to me. If he’s taking him out on a walk he won’t even put a jacket and hat on baby he asks me to do it. The only exception is when his parents visit and then he totally takes over and actually won’t let me do anything if I try.

Another thing is he won’t even look after baby and let me run up to the shops or get a shower. When he’s at home he often lies in bed half the day sleeping and then when he gets up he’s right in the shower and then he goes out for a haircut or to the shops for as long and meanwhile I’ve been looking after baby all night and morning and I’m still in pjs and haven’t had a chance to shower yet most of the time.

He gets annoyed when baby wakes him up during the night or when baby is crying as well. I know his mum would happily look after our son every day and night just about so he wouldn’t have any problems pawning him off on her but I’m really not happy with his mother looking after him so much either for a few reasons I don’t really want to get into in this post or it’ll just be ridiculously long.

He talks a lot about when our son is older and all the places he is looking forward to taking him to and things he can’t wait to do with him so I’m not sure if it’s just maybe that he doesn’t really enjoy the baby stage, not that I think that’s an excuse not to look after your own child !

Anyway when I try and explain to him that I don’t think quite 50/50 is best he hits the roof ! He accuses me of taking his son away from him and preventing him from seeing his son and that I have ruined his life etc. This is also part of the reason I want to split, I can never have a reasonable conversation with him about anything! If he disagrees he just goes on a rager!

Anyway, I’m sure if it went to court, probably just out of spite, he would just lie and say he does loads for baby cause he lies about anything and everything.

Ugh, what the hell am I supposed to do.

@mickeypillow

That’s good you got the correct advice OP and reported him and he was charged. Good luck with the court case. I have no experience but surely the fact you reported him and the police charged him will give you a strong case and that he would be given access or any form of custody.

I had not just charges but convictions. A non harassment order. The judge stated that he had no other convictions except this so that's fine like I didn't matter. They also lifted the non harassment order without letting me know to facilitate contact even though there was alternative options for handover. First I knew was when I was faced with him at drop off. This is barely taken in to account unfortunately. The no other convictions was because he'd only been in the uk for a couple of years. They refused to look in to his other eu record which was extensive and as it transpired later he did actually have uk ones too (including assault of a police officer but they took his and his lawyers word he didn't.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime tbf when I call the experience horrendous I do actually Include the lawyers letters etc. it's a major part of the process

I just wanted to say op how strong I think you are- this is so so tough but you sound so level headed. I wish you and your baby all the best in this- in a while you will be rid of this twat (can’t write the expletive I’d rather use!!!) and his family and I hope you will enjoy freedom from all this. Xox

@Jamallama

He's the baby's father so 50% is reasonable. After all, the baby is 50% him. There is no good reason to refuse.

Actually no the baby isn’t. The biological father contributes exactly 1 cell to the embryo- his sperm cell. That’s it The mother contribute exactly one of her ovum cells. So far 50:50 BUT if the pregnancy continues to a birth of a baby at say 7-8lb, every single cell …all the Brian cells, cells of the nervous system, heart cells etc etc come form one place - the mother blood passing through the placenta. It is her body providing ALL the energy, nutrients, vitamins that grow that employ form 2 cells to the millions of cells and literally create 7-8lb of human flesh and bones and everything in between. Father contributes nothing to that. Nowt. Mother then goes though fundamental biological body changes like ligament changes to be able to push that baby out And in many cases the mother then continues to provide everything that baby needs to grow through her breast milk form 7-8lb to a baby age say 3-4 months at a weight of 13lb plus. Where do you think that 13lb of flesh and bone comes from? Well it ain’t coming for, the father at all if breast feeding.

This is why women have maternity leave. Because woken do not “carry” babies during pregnancy or have a holiday while on maternity leave. They are literally growing a baby from their body
It is not a passive, I’m just carrying this baby around…women go through fundamental physiological changes to be able to do that and often live the rest of their life with the outcomes of that

So no. Not 50% based on a single cell. Tosh.

Get a good lawyer asap OP and keep a record of what you do for the baby (a disry of times and what you / dad did, etc) good luck

A court is supposed to put the child’s interest first and only rarely does shared custody for such a young baby BUT if you have a bad (or no) lawyer and he gets a woman-hating judge you could get a bad court decision.

xxx

I just want to tell you I'm going through the court system currently the first thing my Ex partner was told after applying for a childcare order is there is nothing they can do if I decide to go against the court order. I agree with parents who have been involved. However my ex used the court system as a way to bully me for years and the first thing they said was they cannot make me give custody even though I will point out he gets weekly sleepovers.

Please do not stress you do not have to give access no one is going to come for you and what access you deem reasonable is fair as you are the primary carer.

I would make sure you get your own place get child benefit in your name and apply for a residency order which says the child lives with you. Give this bully no more power. I'm sure you will get the misogyny army harping on about fathers rights on here. But I'm sure they have never been bullied constantly by sub par parents whos only intention for access is in the best interests of themselves and not their children.
Please don't make yourself ill like I did there's nothing they will do if you have concerns and even decide to pull access.

You can co parent and have joint parental responsibility but I don't think any court is going to award 50/50 residence for a baby that young. You would probably get legal aid so go and see a solicitor who specialises in family law. They will clarify the situation for you and you won't have to deal with all the emotional pressures,or manipulation from your (ex?) Partner

Keep a log of what he does each day. Save text messages. Maybe even resort to hidden cameras and ask him to look after the baby whilst you go out. Don't leave instructions or prepare anything for him. Then see how he copes and whether he is a good father. Then go through the film and make notes. Perhaps also film on a day his parents visit to show the contrast. It's also ridiculous that he wants custody at such a young age when he will be out at work. There's no reason why he should have him then. I'm pretty certain that he wouldn't get custody until the baby was over a year old anyway.

@MayMorris

Love you response! Absolutely spot on!

He's just smarting that you have dumped him, he's lashing out and yes probably doesn't want to pay maintenance.

At that age my children were glued to me, they would not have wanted anyone else. Courts recognise this. Document everything you do and what little he does.

Save all the messages abut him wanting to take a six month old from it's mother, for his own mother to look after. Reel him in with messages, that you can use against him. Make sure you communicate amicably about the housing situation, stating he will be forcing you to move if he won't leave...keep it all about the affect on your child.

Ultimately, just say no, that's not in the best interest of our child, see you in court. (he won't go to court and unlikely he will win) do make sure you offer some fair time, it will look good, if you get to court.

I know a lot of divorced parents, only one shares 50/50 (mums choice) it's not normal.

@Unsure33 @PlanDeRaccordement

My comment was about when OP is at home on maternity, off work and available to look after baby. Not when both parents are at work. That's completely different.

He wouldn't get overnights until child is 3.. regardless of breastfeeding or not. Courts recognise baby needs mum in them early years.

Sorry, just read your update. Don't be nervous. It sounds very much as though the courts will be on your side.

[quote Motherland101]**@Unsure33* @PlanDeRaccordement*

My comment was about when OP is at home on maternity, off work and available to look after baby. Not when both parents are at work. That's completely different. [/quote]
I appreciate the thread has moved on somewhat but as @NumberZ rightly said, my issue was absolutely not with parents relying on childcare whilst at work, family or nursery or whatever. What I found disgraceful is the Dad wanting a k take the baby - A BABY - away from their mother, for the paternal grandmother to look after said baby whilst the Mother is on maternity leave.

My comment was absolutely nothing to do with working parents using childcare. I am a working parent who is also relying on childcare.

Can people read the updates? Thread started months ago and things have moved on some what

Ring a lawyer and get legal advice

Document everything he does with son. How often he drops him off with mum. When he takes him out, plays with him, what they do. What bathing/changing/feeding he does etc. Prepare yourself for a battle if you want majority of custody & parental responsibility.

Ring a lawyer and get legal advice

She has.

Just RTFT and wanted to congratulate you on your progress, OP, and wish you every success, esp in court.

You ex sounds vile, as do his enabling parents.

I hope you and your son find happiness. 💐

Well done for coming out the other side of that OP, I wish you all the happiness in the world going forward and hope you kick his ass in family court!

@MayMorris brilliant post.

@Newmum1998 glad to hear you have had support from the police and other authorities.

Is your ex named on the birth certificate?

Nice to see you calling your baby, 'son' in your second post instead of 'baby', which you used endlessly in your first :-); not ]my baby', 'our baby' or 'the baby', just 'baby'.

Your partner is no partner. He's also living in cloud cuckoo land. When he is at home with you he should step up and do his share of parenting, etc, allowing you a bit of free time. However I don't think it is unreasonable for him to leave his baby at his mother's while he works, as long as she is happy with that and good with children.

You appear to have an odd relationship and he is unrealistic about what is involved in looking after such a young child, especially at night. Your baby will miss you too and he must come first. Don't agree to it, find another compromise.

Good luck.

Given his history I would be asking your solicitor about drop off and pick up at either a public place of you be done by a third party so that he doesn’t get the chance to abuse you further. He will get some form of contact but unlikely to be 50-50.

You may find that his interest in his child disappears if he doesn’t gave the opportunity to continue to abuse you. So put those boundaries in place. The police record should help with that.

Good luck. Wishing you all the best

@Threetulips

Can people read the updates? Thread started months ago and things have moved on some what

Exactly how I started my post. That the thread has moved on. I simply addressed a few posters commenting on an earlier post of mine

I used to work as a Legal Sec for a law firm who did family/divorce law and once in a while we’d have cases like this. The vast majority of the time fathers don’t get 50/50 custody, it’s a lot more common than it was but with young children and domestic abuse figures are lower in my experience, could well have changed though in recent years (8 years ago).

Get the best family lawyer you can with experience in these cases and who you have confidence in. A good family barrister is Norman Moss (3 Dr Johnson’s Buildings) we used him a lot. If any of your ex’s family and friends try to contact you and try to intimidate you (past experience thankfully not mine!) keep a record of it all and try to stay neutral and not react.

Your support network and evidence in dealing with your ex will be crucial but you sound very strong OP so wish you all the best of luck.

Thanks for updating too - more men (and women) need to know that unreasonable behaviour in a relationship won’t be tolerated legally!

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@Motherland101
To be fair, OP said the baby would be at his mum’s “while he is at work”. If that is true extent of it, I don’t find that disgraceful at all. Many single mothers use relatives as childcare when they work. Myself, my DC were in nursery from 11 weeks old because I went back to work FT. So I’m not going to condemn any man or woman using childcare options while they work.[/quote]
Oh god!