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Original poster

HELP! Partner wants 50/50 custody of our baby

199 replies

Newmum1998 · 30/10/2021 21:11

Just wondering how the hell you are supposed to split custody with a 5 month old baby?

Partner wants exact 50/50 split..however it won’t really be 50/50 as he will be working most of the days he plans to have baby so has said his mum will look after baby while he is working and he will see baby at night and I’m still off on maternity leave for the next 4 months.

Thing is I’ve done everything for baby since he was born. This is part of the reason I want to split, it’s made me totally resent my partner. He’s only recently started working so he hasn’t even had that excuse. He talks a good talk though and portrays himself as an amazing dad to everyone. He constantly posts pictures of our baby online with big captions about how he’s never been so happy, being a dad is the best thing to ever happen to him etc but the reality is he plays with baby for 5 minutes or occasionally takes him a 20 minute walk and then as soon as baby needs anything he hands him straight back over to me. If he’s taking him out on a walk he won’t even put a jacket and hat on baby he asks me to do it. The only exception is when his parents visit and then he totally takes over and actually won’t let me do anything if I try.

Another thing is he won’t even look after baby and let me run up to the shops or get a shower. When he’s at home he often lies in bed half the day sleeping and then when he gets up he’s right in the shower and then he goes out for a haircut or to the shops for as long and meanwhile I’ve been looking after baby all night and morning and I’m still in pjs and haven’t had a chance to shower yet most of the time.

He gets annoyed when baby wakes him up during the night or when baby is crying as well. I know his mum would happily look after our son every day and night just about so he wouldn’t have any problems pawning him off on her but I’m really not happy with his mother looking after him so much either for a few reasons I don’t really want to get into in this post or it’ll just be ridiculously long.

He talks a lot about when our son is older and all the places he is looking forward to taking him to and things he can’t wait to do with him so I’m not sure if it’s just maybe that he doesn’t really enjoy the baby stage, not that I think that’s an excuse not to look after your own child !

Anyway when I try and explain to him that I don’t think quite 50/50 is best he hits the roof ! He accuses me of taking his son away from him and preventing him from seeing his son and that I have ruined his life etc. This is also part of the reason I want to split, I can never have a reasonable conversation with him about anything! If he disagrees he just goes on a rager!

Anyway, I’m sure if it went to court, probably just out of spite, he would just lie and say he does loads for baby cause he lies about anything and everything.

Ugh, what the hell am I supposed to do.

OP posts:
Seraphinesupport · 10/04/2022 17:35

tell him he can take you to court if he wants overnight access. courts will rule no

Seraphinesupport · 10/04/2022 17:39

ohh cross post, didnt see the dates, glad its getting sorted. court will laugh at him. its in his history so he can lose.

bluebellsandcustard · 10/04/2022 17:41

Providing the child was safe you could call his bluff! He'd probably last about a week....

Nelliephant1 · 10/04/2022 17:49

I suppose the question is why shouldn't he have 50:50 split. The child is his too and they won't form a bond if they don't get the chance.

I understand exactly why you wouldn't want this, but in all fairness, it's not an unreasonable arrangement particularly for the child.

Nelliephant1 · 10/04/2022 17:52

I'm so sorry I stupidly didn't look at the date of the original post 🥴

What a nightmare for you but good on you for getting this far through. I hope everything goes in your favour and you and your little one have a wonderful ex-free life 💞💐

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 10/04/2022 17:58

[quote Newmum1998]@LorenzoVonMatterhorn Yes I do I have proof of all of it on WhatsApp[/quote]
I'm not sure if this has been suggested yet but I would delete the whatsapp contact name for your ex DP so his number is showing, screenshot and email them to yourself. A name and a photo could be anyone.

I split with my partner when our DD was under a year, she stayed with him and his Mum one night at the weekend with a couple of hours once or twice during the week in the evening so there weren't any big gaps during the bonding time. This is now generally 2 or occasionally 3 overnights a week, no court order and she has an excellent and very close relationship with her Dad and grandparents.

I would absolutely not have agreed to 50/50 at that age and when you are the one that has basically done all of the childcare it is certainly not in the best interests of the child at this time.

RedHelenB · 10/04/2022 18:00

@KeyboardWorriers

There is some very naive advice on here. I mean, I wish all the courts operated the way people say they do on here.

I have seen all manner of abuse and awfulness dismissed as "different parenting styles" , I have supported mothers who are being told that breastfeeding is potentially parental alienation. ...

#thecourtsaid

Well breastfeeding is parental alienation if used like some posters on here suggest (ie start up again when stopped in order to prevent 50/50)
ThistlesAndUnicorns · 10/04/2022 18:06

Oh dear, I shouldn't have stopped reading at page 4, sorry!

Unsure33 · 10/04/2022 18:12

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@Motherland101
To be fair, OP said the baby would be at his mum’s “while he is at work”. If that is true extent of it, I don’t find that disgraceful at all. Many single mothers use relatives as childcare when they work. Myself, my DC were in nursery from 11 weeks old because I went back to work FT. So I’m not going to condemn any man or woman using childcare options while they work.[/quote]
Exactly , plus I have a family member where the father wanted baby twins 50 50 and everyone said it was to do with money / power and it would not last .. actually it cost him more than not paying maintenance as he paid for nursery and 4 years later he is still doing 50 50 .

So not always black and white .

2bazookas · 10/04/2022 18:16

Let him have 50/50. He probably won't last a week.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 10/04/2022 18:26

Thanks for the update OP. So pleased you've got Women's Aid with you in court and it's good that you've uncovered all his previous abuse of partners. Hopefully your solicitor will emphasise how a repeat abuser of women needs boundaries and restrictions around access to children.
Wishing you good luck.

Notanotherwindow · 10/04/2022 18:33

Let him have 50/50

I give it 2 maybe 3 days before he changes his tune.

liveforsummer · 10/04/2022 18:38

Family court is a horrendous experience- my ex told lots of lies too and was never called out on them. It became apparent it was untrue but it didn't affect anything. Little interest was paid in to any details by court and a lot of my concerns were dismissed, it was frustrating however he did only get EOW and dc were significantly older (5 and 8). Good luck but I don't think you have to worry about 50:50. Can't Belleville are saying try it so he sees the reality - like using your baby and let in golem be distressed to teach him a lesson is a good idea 😏.

liveforsummer · 10/04/2022 18:40

Btw remember as there is abuse then you should be eligible for legal aid

Mirw · 10/04/2022 18:42

Tell him to take you to court... Then he has to prove he can look after the baby, not his mum. If you have family and you are living with them, he will not get 50/50 split.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 10/04/2022 18:43

In my case the court said little and often starting at 2 hrs 3 x a week to be built up gradually to 2 days (Wednesdays and Sundays) 10am till 4pm. Overnights were written in to start from when DD was 4 years old and at school nursery when contact changed to Wednesday after nursery until 6pm and EOW. In reality, Dd didn't like sleeping over so he would pick her up then bring her back in the evening then pick her up the next morning.

mickeypillow · 10/04/2022 18:48

That’s good you got the correct advice OP and reported him and he was charged. Good luck with the court case. I have no experience but surely the fact you reported him and the police charged him will give you a strong case and that he would be given access or any form of custody.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 10/04/2022 18:48

Contrary to others experiences, whilst stressful I did not find the court experience horrendous. Although messages from Dds dad and his solicitor were. The court order sets clear boundaries and the court appeared happy with all suggestions that I put forward, as long as her dad could see her and they could see the plans to increase contact naturally as she got older they seemed happy.

I also had written in that she spent each birthday and mothers/fathers day with the relevant parent.
We alternate each birthday and Christmas. Christmas contact is 12 noon Christmas eve - 12 noon boxing day which works for all of us and means DD is being rushed from place to place.

Timeforausernamechange22 · 10/04/2022 18:48

Part of me says humour him and say yes to 50/50. If I’m right about his “type” he is purely saying it to upset and control you, absolutely nothing in the best interests of your child. Also he hasn’t through the through the practicalities whatsoever - he may save on maintenance but he’d have to pay childcare whilst he’s working. I’m sure after 24hrs of being sole provider for the child he’ll swiftly change his mind.
Do you want to call his bluff?

Mumontour85 · 10/04/2022 18:52

Leave for one night and see how desperate this asshat of a man is for you to return the next day.
Better yet, do it on a school night so it fucks his day at work.
Better yet, leave cameras everywhere so you have all the proof you need of 'how good a dad he is'.

My friends ex partner was like this, he insisted he would quit work and be a full time dad when they split. Until she called his bluff. Left him for three days and he called begging her to come home in the second night saying he was exhausted and needed a break 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

All women should do this for 24 hrs so that the men have an actual fucking clue how hard it can be!

Idiot men!

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 10/04/2022 18:54

Sorry, I also stopped reading after pg4. Thank goodness you ended it with him! He and his family sound a right piece of work.

You can stall contact for a fair while whilst waiting for court, then insist on a contact centre that will buy you some more time whilst you wait for a space and a few months of them going there.

With any luck he'll have a new gf (poor her) and lose interest.

LethargeMarg · 10/04/2022 18:55

@britnay

he only wants 50:50, because then he won't have to pay maintenance.
Exactly
Ellmau · 10/04/2022 18:57

Good luck with court, OP.

Billybagpuss · 10/04/2022 18:57

Thank you for update, I remember your original post and wishing you all the support in the coming weeks 💐

Zilla1 · 10/04/2022 19:02

Based on his behaviour for the first few months, does he want 50/50 custody or perhaps just to frighten and intimidate you and control you. That must be difficult. Try not to engage or worry and say you'll decide what you think is best for the baby as you always have. He and his DM will need to do the same. Then if necessary, the courts will decide. Might be worth a chat with his DM to see if she has signed up to the implications of an additional baby.

Good luck.

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