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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HELP! Partner wants 50/50 custody of our baby

199 replies

Newmum1998 · 30/10/2021 21:11

Just wondering how the hell you are supposed to split custody with a 5 month old baby?

Partner wants exact 50/50 split..however it won’t really be 50/50 as he will be working most of the days he plans to have baby so has said his mum will look after baby while he is working and he will see baby at night and I’m still off on maternity leave for the next 4 months.

Thing is I’ve done everything for baby since he was born. This is part of the reason I want to split, it’s made me totally resent my partner. He’s only recently started working so he hasn’t even had that excuse. He talks a good talk though and portrays himself as an amazing dad to everyone. He constantly posts pictures of our baby online with big captions about how he’s never been so happy, being a dad is the best thing to ever happen to him etc but the reality is he plays with baby for 5 minutes or occasionally takes him a 20 minute walk and then as soon as baby needs anything he hands him straight back over to me. If he’s taking him out on a walk he won’t even put a jacket and hat on baby he asks me to do it. The only exception is when his parents visit and then he totally takes over and actually won’t let me do anything if I try.

Another thing is he won’t even look after baby and let me run up to the shops or get a shower. When he’s at home he often lies in bed half the day sleeping and then when he gets up he’s right in the shower and then he goes out for a haircut or to the shops for as long and meanwhile I’ve been looking after baby all night and morning and I’m still in pjs and haven’t had a chance to shower yet most of the time.

He gets annoyed when baby wakes him up during the night or when baby is crying as well. I know his mum would happily look after our son every day and night just about so he wouldn’t have any problems pawning him off on her but I’m really not happy with his mother looking after him so much either for a few reasons I don’t really want to get into in this post or it’ll just be ridiculously long.

He talks a lot about when our son is older and all the places he is looking forward to taking him to and things he can’t wait to do with him so I’m not sure if it’s just maybe that he doesn’t really enjoy the baby stage, not that I think that’s an excuse not to look after your own child !

Anyway when I try and explain to him that I don’t think quite 50/50 is best he hits the roof ! He accuses me of taking his son away from him and preventing him from seeing his son and that I have ruined his life etc. This is also part of the reason I want to split, I can never have a reasonable conversation with him about anything! If he disagrees he just goes on a rager!

Anyway, I’m sure if it went to court, probably just out of spite, he would just lie and say he does loads for baby cause he lies about anything and everything.

Ugh, what the hell am I supposed to do.

OP posts:
Lokdok · 30/10/2021 21:56

No one is going to give such a small baby to the dad 50:50. They wouldn’t even consider it until over a year, they can’t go long between feeds still so need mum and you’re still on mat leave. He’s within his rights to ask for 5050 when he’s a toddler though, unfortunately for you. Hopefully he’ll step up as a father.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 21:56

@Newmum1998
That’s a valid fear to have. Perhaps a test day from 8am to 8pm would be enough to put him off wanting 50/50? I could never let mine cry at night either so wouldn’t want any baby going through that.

I agree baby should be with you, I just sometimes think it’s easier to go around a problem than fight it head on. If he could get a taste of the relentlessness of caring for a baby, I think he’d change his mind.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 21:59

@BananaPB
Sorry not following you? What does saying it’s ok for any parent to use childcare during their contact time in order to work have to do with 50/50 during maternity leave?

NumberZ · 30/10/2021 22:02

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@BananaPB
Sorry not following you? What does saying it’s ok for any parent to use childcare during their contact time in order to work have to do with 50/50 during maternity leave?[/quote]
Because ‘childcare’ is not needed a parent is available to look after the child.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 22:10

@NumberZ
Again still see no connection between using childcare and 50/50? I haven’t once said 50/50 is reasonable. You’re joining dots that aren’t there.

Flowersintheattic2021 · 30/10/2021 22:13

Most ppl are eow and one night for tea

WonderfulYou · 30/10/2021 22:13

What are your plans for when you go back to work?

I actually think him/his mum looking after the baby will do you a massive favour.

I can actually see him (and his mum) getting bored quite quickly of the arrangement if he’s as useless as he sounds.

I would say to him to have him one night a week and then gradually increase it over the next 4 months so when you’re back at work it will be less stressful (if he even gets that far).

NumberZ · 30/10/2021 22:13

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@NumberZ
Again still see no connection between using childcare and 50/50? I haven’t once said 50/50 is reasonable. You’re joining dots that aren’t there.[/quote]
So you’re saying you don’t agree he should have the baby 50/50 then?

Lovemusic33 · 30/10/2021 22:15

It’s very unlikely a court would give him 50/50 due to the baby’s age. Tell him to take you to court.

Lovemusic33 · 30/10/2021 22:16

@Flowersintheattic2021

Most ppl are eow and one night for tea
Not true anymore, more and more fathers are getting 50/50 through court, but it’s unlikely with a child under 1 years old.
PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 22:17

@NumberZ
Yes. If you had taken time to read my posts. You can see I have said I don’t think he should have 50/50.

The using childcare while working is a completely separate thread of discussion. A poster said it was “disgraceful” and as a working mother who used childcare, I took issue with it.

Dcrolo12345 · 30/10/2021 22:20

Is there anyway you could start breastfeeding again or did you stop ages ago? Court won’t let him have overnights if you bf.
I hate 50/50 I think it’s wrong.

NumberZ · 30/10/2021 22:23

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@NumberZ
Yes. If you had taken time to read my posts. You can see I have said I don’t think he should have 50/50.

The using childcare while working is a completely separate thread of discussion. A poster said it was “disgraceful” and as a working mother who used childcare, I took issue with it.[/quote]
I think they meant it was disgraceful that he would choose for his child to be with their grandmother rather than their mother who is in maternity leave.

Patapouf · 30/10/2021 22:24

@britnay

he only wants 50:50, because then he won't have to pay maintenance.
Exactly this
LIZS · 30/10/2021 22:25

If he can be bothered so little now, realistically he is not going to pursue contact vis a court. Is his dm suggesting it to him but he is not that interested?

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 30/10/2021 22:27

My ex was like this. I simply said no, it wasn't it the baby's best interests and if he wanted to the. He could take me to court. He never did and he sees her eow and some weeks during the school holidays

PinkForgetMeNot · 30/10/2021 22:27

Yanbu at all op

whynotwhatknot · 30/10/2021 22:32

Is he well off? court will cost a fortune and i doubt they would grant it for baby that young

ive also heard theres a year long backlog for cases

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 30/10/2021 22:36

I agree with others, let him take you to court. Right now he’s playing with you and bullying you. Don’t let him.

Is your home in your name? Is he on the birth certificate.

I’d kick him out, say if he wants a proper access order put in place he takes you to court. If he’s on the birth certificate, don’t let him take baby until you have everything legally in place otherwise he could just refuse to return baby to you.

Bizawit · 30/10/2021 22:39

@KeyboardWorriers

"I doubt a judge would grant 50/50 over a baby when the primary carer is available to look after them and the other parent is not. It's supposed to be about the best interests of the child not the parent."

I wish I shared your optimism. But I have supported too many women through the English family court system (after experiencing the rough justice myself).

I strongly recommend getting a decent lawyer Op. Also time to accept that cafcass hold most of the power in the court system and will barely spend any time on your case and their primary driver does not really seem to be the well-being of children.

Sorry. I hate how shit the system is at the moment. But I wish I had gone in with my eyes open instead of naively thinking the system would put the needs (and safety) of my children first.

😨😨 are you saying a court would grant 50/50 custody for a 5 month old baby??
MrsGeralt · 30/10/2021 22:48

Tell him no. Work out what you're happy with, ie time at weekends and put it in writing and if he dont agree he can take you to court. By the time it actually reaches court your baby will be considerably older.

There's no point the baby being with his mum when you're there to look after him.

MrsGeralt · 30/10/2021 22:51

The thing is, he can threaten court. But if you've put a reasonable contact schedule on offer, how likely is it he will actually take you to court? It's not as if you want to withhold the child and won't let him see him. Judges don't take kindly to parties not trying to settle things out of court. Hence why i say put an offer in writing to him with a date on it that you made the offer. Judge will take a dim view of him pushing it to court if it doesn't need to be.

LindaLooky · 30/10/2021 23:05

Sounds like the split is pretty recent and mostly your idea, so I guess he is panicking and coming up with an extreme arrangement cos he doesnt want to miss out on life with your baby (understandably).

What would you propose as the best parenting arrangement in your situation? Would living near to each other and having regular daytime access be a good compromise while little one is still a baby?

I split from my ex when baby was 16 months, so a fair bit older. It was very hard to start the overnight handovers (i was still bf too) but over time I found some positives, e.g. time for myself, social time and decent nights sleep. Just wanted to add that as these situations are so hard but things can work out ok in the end x

PurpleOkapi · 30/10/2021 23:15

Presumably his mother knows how to care for a baby. So either she'll be doing everything (probably competently), or he'll quickly learn to do it himself. If he decides doing it himself is too much trouble, then 50/50 won't last long. I understand why you don't like it, and I'm not saying you should agree, but it doesn't sound to me like it would be the end of the world if he got 50/50.

timeisnotaline · 30/10/2021 23:19

What others have said- log how much he actually does (don’t tell him this) tell him no, baby is too young and he can take you to court so he can hear the judge agree with him.
In court you highlight hes never done any actual parenting, say you agree baby should know their dad but babies and toddlers need a lot of care and you would like a schedule of increasing supervised contact so he learns the basic skills of parenting before having sole responsibility for a baby (whether his mum is childcare or not, he’s applying to have some responsibility).
If he then doesn’t turn up for supervised visits, which sounds likely, you can document that and refuse to move onto unsupervised.

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