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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with the way my sister is raising her kids

194 replies

snup · 30/10/2021 10:38

Backstory, we had a difficult upbringing with loving but inadequate parents (mental health issues, alcoholism).

Now she has 4 kids with fairly big age gaps and I have one.

The dynamic in her family is just dreadful. Everyone fights and argues all the time, the older kids take parental approaches to the younger kids which I think is inappropriate. She and DBIL are super strict with many many rules that are enforced with iron will. There's no abuse, plenty of money and all the kids are loved and well cared for, materially.

But no meal happens without at least one child being sent outside / away. No day out without a huge bust up between at least two members of the family and sometimes more. There is always someone shouting and someone crying.

I feel so sad for her kids and for her really.

But I also get that 4 kids is about crowd control and I also think she's mirroring a lot of what was bad about our own childhood.

She seems stressed and joyless.

Should I say something? If so, what?

OP posts:
madroid · 30/10/2021 10:40

Offer to take them all out for an afternoon and giver her a break?

Ponoka7 · 30/10/2021 10:40

That sounds like family life to me. How do the older children take 'parental control'?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2021 10:41

I wouldn’t say anything. What could you say?

I’m one of 4 close together and we were never shouted at but no one’s perfect.

Have you got children?

Seeline · 30/10/2021 10:41

No, you keep out of it.

I suspect that the age gaps between the children is part if the issue. It's hard keeping them all happy when they are all at different stages.

BrambleyHedge · 30/10/2021 10:42

Four kids is very different to one kid. How old is yours?

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 30/10/2021 10:42

How old is your single child?

Her household sounds a little similar to mine to be honest!

Santastuckincustoms · 30/10/2021 10:43

My 6yo tried to parent my 2yo. We try to stop her but it's natural she'll end up ticking him off for things we also say he shouldn't do.

Missgemini · 30/10/2021 10:43

Sounds like a normal family of 6 to me!
She probably needs help with babysitting as mentioned above so she can have some personal time occasionally. But nothing sounds wrong from what you've described.

PinkSyCo · 30/10/2021 10:43

How old are the kids?

Leavisite · 30/10/2021 10:45

That sounds potentially like ordinary family life with four children in a way that may seem disruptive if you have only one child — I say this as the eldest of five and have one child by choice myself in part because I loathed the lack of individual attention growing up.

My DS has friends who are ten year old twins, with no other siblings, and delightful parents, and they fight all the time — any shared occasion involves a fight, crying, parents intervening etc.

SinoohXaenaHide · 30/10/2021 10:45

I think you need to keep out of it as far as telling her how to parent is concerned. However, taking all of the kids away for cinema/minigolf/whatever to give her a break would be wonderful. Or maybe once a month take out 3 or the 4 kids, each taking it in turn, to let each child have some 1:1 time with mum. She certainly loves her kids but is spending 99% of her time too stressed and overwhelmed to express that, and you can help with that.

BurntO · 30/10/2021 10:46

OP she has four kids, of course there is always bickering and arguments. It doesn’t surprise me at all. Stop being so bloody judgemental.

TirednWorried · 30/10/2021 10:47

How ma y children of whatage have you got?

Original poster
snup · 30/10/2021 10:47

My DD is 4. She has some health problems so our family life is somewhat stressful but is very well behaved (not to do with this parenting I don't think just personality) so that may have some bearing on my perspective.

Her kids range from 15 to 6.

The older kids tell off the younger kids. Or pile in on them when the parents do.

It is possible that my upbringing is affecting how I feel so maybe I am BU.

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbes · 30/10/2021 10:49

Support them. Offer to take a kid or two

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 30/10/2021 10:50

(For a day or weekend, not to keep!)

TirednWorried · 30/10/2021 10:50

Sorry just read you ha e one child!!! Come back wben you have 4 and have the foggiest idea
OP you seriously are clueless. Her family sound totally normal

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 10:52

I think you are unfair to judge somewhat because it must be draining 4 kids especially with large age gaps. I have 2 and sometimes I'm a referee between the pair of them.

But again, I get your concern. I grew up in a similar household. 4 kids, large age gaps, a lot of arguments, I had to do a lot of the younger dc. It didn't really affect me much at the time (I don't think). We had money and material things too but always arguing but I do have a lot of resentment now as an adult! Mainly because I had and still don't have any time with my mum because she was so busy with the younger ones. I get it, but even now my youngest siblings are teens, I still don't have a close bind with any of them.

So much so I promised myself when I had kids I wouldn't have big age gaps as we were all at different stages and still are now. It can work though, Dp is 20 years older than his sister and his mum has always made it work well . But then there wasn't really arguments between siblings in that house as he was 20 years old and an adult himself by that point. The age gap between mine was like teenagers and babies/toddlers.

No family is perfect though. There is going to be arguments in a busy household. I often feel 'joyless' with my two!

Original poster
snup · 30/10/2021 10:53

We live close by so do babysit and also take the kids individually to stay over and in age sets (older two, younger two)

Thanks for the feedback. I'll stay out of it.

I think it's a huge shame to live life in a constant atmosphere of stress, shouting and recriminations but maybe that's life with 4 kids.

OP posts:
Seeline · 30/10/2021 10:53

That is s big age range. I'm not surprised it leads to bickering and argument when the whole family is involved. At 15, most kids are trying to avoid doing anything with the family anyway, let alone when trying to cater for 6 year olds as well.

2catsandhappy · 30/10/2021 10:53

Sounds normal.
Take them all out for the day and see if they behave differently under your care.

Sceptre86 · 30/10/2021 10:57

Yabu and are looking at things from your angle of having one child. Who exactly is yours going to argue with or fight over toys with, noone on a regular basis as they are an only child. Siblings do fight, argue etc. What you have described is perfectly normal in a house where there are several children. The fact that you are disappointed in your sister is so judgemental. You can put all your time and energy and indulge your child because their is only one of them. Parents with several kids have to give everyone time, energy and attention, it is always a balancing act. Couple that with the expense of having several children and the extra laundry housework and life administration then it is a whole different ball game. Don't judge what you don't understand.

Seeline · 30/10/2021 10:58

I also wonder how often the 15 yo is left in charge of the younger ones - parents popping to shops and not wanting to drag the kids along, taking one of them to an activity etc and leaving the rest with the eldest. They would have to parent then so probably don't see any difference in doing it at other times. There may also be resentment at being put in those situations.

Sleepinghyena · 30/10/2021 10:58

I only have three kids and much of your description if familiar to me. You are being judgemental- you have no idea what parenting is like with multiple kids. Lucky you with your one well behaved four year old 😇

mountbattenbergcake · 30/10/2021 10:58

I think you need to myob.

Keep being there for the kids.