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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with the way my sister is raising her kids

194 replies

snup · 30/10/2021 10:38

Backstory, we had a difficult upbringing with loving but inadequate parents (mental health issues, alcoholism).

Now she has 4 kids with fairly big age gaps and I have one.

The dynamic in her family is just dreadful. Everyone fights and argues all the time, the older kids take parental approaches to the younger kids which I think is inappropriate. She and DBIL are super strict with many many rules that are enforced with iron will. There's no abuse, plenty of money and all the kids are loved and well cared for, materially.

But no meal happens without at least one child being sent outside / away. No day out without a huge bust up between at least two members of the family and sometimes more. There is always someone shouting and someone crying.

I feel so sad for her kids and for her really.

But I also get that 4 kids is about crowd control and I also think she's mirroring a lot of what was bad about our own childhood.

She seems stressed and joyless.

Should I say something? If so, what?

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 30/10/2021 14:16

I have one child and my brother has 2. I am always shocked by how much they argue but when I look back I remember me and my siblings used to fight all of the time so my mum would shout at us to stop and it was just crazy all of the time.

Now it’s just me and DD so there’s no shouting or stress but I’m sure there would be if there was more of them.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 30/10/2021 14:18

Hahahahhaha yes of course you don’t understand because you have one child and she is 4. I actually think being strict with 4 children of their ages is essential so as to raise nice children snd not arseholes, and it sounds like quite a reasonable level of strictness eg sending children away from table, not hitting!

I can’t believe you are so judgemental tbh. I was expecting to come on here and see you posting that your niece of nephew had flat head from being left on its back all the time and neglected or something actually problematic.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 30/10/2021 14:26

@Oftenithinkaboutit
You never raise your voice?

Odd you posted this a week ago

I only swear in my own home, tend not to outside of it. So, definitely in front of the children, but they are teens and not phased by mum shouting 'oh for fuck's sake' when some washing up slides on the floor or something.

Amazing that you would advance search this, but no, I would never ever swear at my kids and I try not raise my voice to them (or if I start to they say mum you are raising your voice, stop). I shout at inanimate things. Not my kids.

Jaxhog · 30/10/2021 14:31

@madroid

Offer to take them all out for an afternoon and giver her a break?
This.
Beseen22 · 30/10/2021 14:36

Everyone parents differently. I'm very close with my SIL but her DC are in charge and she does everything she can to avoid a tantrum whereas I am very strict and will absolutely under no circumstances allow a 3 yo to tell me what we should be having for tea or whether i can go out. I expect my children to have manners and treat other children the way they want to be treated and if there is a situation where my children do not behave I will remove them from the situation and there will be consequences for their actions. I'd be interested to see your sisters perspective on this.

Minfilia · 30/10/2021 14:40

I have four DC and OP you’re right, that’s not normal.

Even when our DC were small they were taught to be respectful and well behaved so didn’t really argue. They didn’t need sending away from the table etc because they had basic manners and knew how to behave.

Days out with them were weekly for us and always fun. No yelling or bickering. A stern word is all it needs to calm any OTT behaviour.

Different now they’re teens, as they’re largely doing their own thing. Two of them had a bust up the other week but they’d got over it within a couple of hours. I can’t remember the last time any of them argued properly before that, although they do get on each other’s nerves sometimes.

I find people with a stressy, shouty house to have a really dysfunctional dynamic. It isn’t necessary at all, and definitely not because you have 4 kids!

Oftenithinkaboutit · 30/10/2021 14:49

[quote OnwardsAndSideways1]@Oftenithinkaboutit
You never raise your voice?

Odd you posted this a week ago

I only swear in my own home, tend not to outside of it. So, definitely in front of the children, but they are teens and not phased by mum shouting 'oh for fuck's sake' when some washing up slides on the floor or something.

Amazing that you would advance search this, but no, I would never ever swear at my kids and I try not raise my voice to them (or if I start to they say mum you are raising your voice, stop). I shout at inanimate things. Not my kids.[/quote]
Oh I see someone saying “I never raise my voice” - I’m straight on advanced search

And to see you, a week ago, saying you shout “for fuck’s sake” and that it’s ok for teens to hear that in their home from their mum - made me chuckle.

No judgement. I swear in front of my children. I raise my voice.

What I don’t do is post horror at raises voices in one thread and then describe how I shout swear words in front of my teens

Mumtwoboys90 · 30/10/2021 14:51

classic case of parent with 1 child getting all high horsey about how people with several more parent Confused

you have no idea OP help out and try having a couple of hers for the weekend and try amd get some small idea of what its actually like or leave it alone

BlueFlavour · 30/10/2021 14:55

I’m with you @snup
It doesn’t sound as if anyone is getting any joy out of life.
Could you have a coffee and a chat with your sister? That might be the way forward.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/10/2021 14:56

@Minfilia

I think that apart from your stellar parenting (I mean it sincerely, you sound great) you also got lucky that your kids are so compatible.

my sister and I never were.
she has always been a selfish shit (still is) who'd take and take and nobody and nothing could change her behaviour.
so we always argued because she ignored boundaries, she stole and wrecked my things, she didn't respect me or my belongings and wouldn't take no for answer.
some people have one, like my sister, and their lives are just as hell-ish.

Please don't underestimate how lucky you are, I do think you are the exception.

yourestandingonmyneck · 30/10/2021 14:57

How is that a big age gap? Is that not a kid every 2 years?

Life with multiple kids is stressful. There generally is someone crying in my experience.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 30/10/2021 15:10

I think you sound judgmental. Which could quite possibly be coming from a place of jealousy/envy

Daughterpanic · 30/10/2021 15:51

As a younger dc with over bearing bullying older dc I would kindly point out it may not be good for siblings to judge the younger ones and boss them around??

Shasha17 · 30/10/2021 16:04

Have three more kids and then comment on her parenting.

shinynewapple21 · 30/10/2021 16:58

@snup

We live close by so do babysit and also take the kids individually to stay over and in age sets (older two, younger two)

Thanks for the feedback. I'll stay out of it.

I think it's a huge shame to live life in a constant atmosphere of stress, shouting and recriminations but maybe that's life with 4 kids.

Everyone still posting here!!!

The OP has taken on board the comments of the first few posters .

No need to keep repeating yourselves !!

Seeline · 30/10/2021 17:00

@yourestandingonmyneck

How is that a big age gap? Is that not a kid every 2 years?

Life with multiple kids is stressful. There generally is someone crying in my experience.

Only if evenly spaced. Throw in a pair of twins and a couple of late additions and you could easily have gaps of 7-8 years. OP hasn't given details.
IggleyP · 30/10/2021 17:02

We have four DC and it just sounds like family life!

4 times more likely to have someone crying/having an off day - in comparison to one DC - and even more likely as they wind each other up.

My DC are a joy on a 1-1 basis, and even just having one go out for the day changes the dynamic and makes the house a lot calmer. Still a lot of love and fun though and lovely relationships with each other, even with the drama and bickering some of the time

swimlyn · 30/10/2021 17:29

I think it's a huge shame to live life in a constant atmosphere of stress, shouting and recriminations but maybe that's life with 4 kids.

Many years ago we had to see my nephew being brought up like this. He was an only child.

If you can’t parent, and can’t cope that’s what happens. You need time and temperament for children. Maybe don’t continue to fill the house with more kids though?

Now in his forties, he’s never made anything of his life. He relies on others for pretty much everything. Many failed relationships for him unfortunately.

We feel that the constant mental battering has made him fragile and weak.

We had to see my nephew being brought up like this. Any attempt at help and talking as PP have suggested was just brushed off – often aggressively.

The fags and the booze were priorities – he wasn’t.

carpetbugs · 30/10/2021 17:31

Sounds quite normal. I still tell my younger siblings off & they still call me bossy despite us all being adults!

carpetbugs · 30/10/2021 17:35

I grew up in a fairly shouty, noisy household (parents are immigrants). I much prefer that to the repressed passive aggressiveness so many of my friends have to deal with. I genuinely don't see the issue with telling a family member they are in the wrong or have pissed me off & likewise for them.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 30/10/2021 17:40

The thing that this thread shows is how different people’s experiences colour their interpretation of arguments/being told off etc.

It’s impossible for anyone to really interpret this tbh. Some people are envisaging borderline neglect and abuse (although the OP does state they want for nothing) and others, like myself, are seeing more noisy hustle and bustle (I am one of four and that was my experience growing up. Lots of noise and shouting but lots of fun).

So actually this thread not especially helpful 😬

stairgates · 30/10/2021 17:40

If an older sibling does something helpful like taking a sharp thing off a younger child do you consider this parenting? or if the younger child had something in their mouth, again is this parenting and to be frowned upon or learning to be responsible for the safety of people around you?

DeepaBeesKit · 30/10/2021 17:43

The older kids tell off the younger kids. Or pile in on them when the parents do.

Ha yeah you dont even need 4 kids for this to happen, my 4 year old does it to the 2 year old!!!

carpetbugs · 30/10/2021 17:45

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 good point. People often say dc sharing bedrooms & wearing 2nd hand uniform is not right because of their experience whereas my experience was completely different.

MissyB1 · 30/10/2021 17:46

It isn’t always fun being part of a busy shouty family. I was the youngest of 6, I found it stressful and it made me anxious. There was always someone fighting with someone else, always mini feuds going on, often tears. It didn’t feel like “normal family life”, it felt sad.
OP your nieces and nephews are lucky to have you in their lives. Keep being there for them.