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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be disappointed with the way my sister is raising her kids

194 replies

snup · 30/10/2021 10:38

Backstory, we had a difficult upbringing with loving but inadequate parents (mental health issues, alcoholism).

Now she has 4 kids with fairly big age gaps and I have one.

The dynamic in her family is just dreadful. Everyone fights and argues all the time, the older kids take parental approaches to the younger kids which I think is inappropriate. She and DBIL are super strict with many many rules that are enforced with iron will. There's no abuse, plenty of money and all the kids are loved and well cared for, materially.

But no meal happens without at least one child being sent outside / away. No day out without a huge bust up between at least two members of the family and sometimes more. There is always someone shouting and someone crying.

I feel so sad for her kids and for her really.

But I also get that 4 kids is about crowd control and I also think she's mirroring a lot of what was bad about our own childhood.

She seems stressed and joyless.

Should I say something? If so, what?

OP posts:
Minesril · 30/10/2021 10:59

@Santastuckincustoms

My 6yo tried to parent my 2yo. We try to stop her but it's natural she'll end up ticking him off for things we also say he shouldn't do.
My 7 year old does that to my 19 month old. The 19 month old takes no notice Grin
Labelicious · 30/10/2021 11:02

I really don’t think you’re in any position to judge - you have one kid, who is she going to bicker and fight with?! Easy to say she’s well behaved in those circumstances - all of mine are when they’re one to one with me. Put them all together though and the fighting and bickering drives me mental.

Kitkat151 · 30/10/2021 11:03

Stay well out of it....enjoy your child and parent them as you wish...let your sibling do the same

Echobelly · 30/10/2021 11:04

I agree with others not to say anything, but maybe offer to do some things with the kids.

I was very shocked by DH's (adult) family initially, as I grew up in a very relaxed family where everyone kind of assumed everyone meant well and didn't bicker, whereas family meals at his parents often (though not always) features arguing, yelling, sometimes people walking out, often over things that wouldn't even be remarked on in my family, let alone cause a screaming row. But they do love one another, it's just a very different dynamic to the one I'm used to.

Hairwizard · 30/10/2021 11:07

Thank fuck for this thread cos i was starting to think i was doing it all wrong. (4 dc myself incl twins)
Think i read a meme or something somewhere to say any more than 3 and you are basically a bouncer. Id say is fucking accurate.
If you feel you can id offer to to take hers for a bit, even 2 of them would be a help. And then the other 2 another time.
Ive been climbing the walls this week as all 4 at home and short on sitters.
Can feel like theres no escape at times. Shes probably overwhelmed and in need of some downtime.

Rainbowheart1 · 30/10/2021 11:08

It does sound normal with four kids, which is why I choose not to have more than 2, because I don’t want to live a life like that all over again as I was one of four.

I much prefer my quieter more enjoyable life, others would consider it boring and love a house full of kids, it’s preference.

Fruitbatdancer · 30/10/2021 11:08

1 kid possibly 2= General calm family life
4 kids = sort of drunken nightclub crowd control by bouncers 🤣
Honestly, help her, try having all 4 at once occasionally so she can relax!

ThinWomansBrain · 30/10/2021 11:09

I grew up in a household where there was no arguing - v passive aggressive manipulative mother.
as an adult I'm rubbish at arguing my case and handling conflict
they'll survive
as others have suggested, offer to take some/all of them out from time to time, but otherwise keep out of it. Your sister will benefit from the break and/or you wading in to criticise her parenting,

qualitygirl · 30/10/2021 11:09

@snup with all due respect even simple things are made harder with more than one child...obviously because you are trying to please more people. A simple decision like what movie to watch on movie night in my house (with 2 dc) can lead to an argument and someone being upset. This doesn't happen with one child. You have no idea relentless it can be.

JuneOsborne · 30/10/2021 11:09

See, if my sister thought there was something that could be made less stressful for me, she'd absolutely tell me.

She'd say June, it's bloody chaos here. What's the deal? What can I do to help?

Or, she'd say, hey, what's with the older kids telling off the younger ones? Do you think they should be doing that? Want me to talk to them?

For transparency, we have big age gaps too. And my sister is here a lot. It would just be part of what we talked about.

Muttly · 30/10/2021 11:10

I think there is a lot of truth in what you are saying OP. I have 3 kids 2 have AN, 1 of those autism and I think I would have probably parented the way you described stemming from my own upbringing issues if it wasn’t for the need to take parenting classes for the AN kids. I just didn’t have the tools.

I don’t think there is anything you could say to your sister and I’m sure she is doing her absolute best given where you have come from and 4 kids is a lot.

PinkSyCo · 30/10/2021 11:10

So the age gap is approximately 3 years between each child? Not that big then. I think it’s perfectly normal for a 15 year old to tell a 6 year old off. Also normal for lots of arguing in a big family too. Have you thought that she might seem stressed because she can feel your judgmental eyes burning into her while she’s busying herself with her family?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/10/2021 11:12

You've only got one child, she's got no one to fight or argue with so of course it's going to be quieter and less stressful.

I grew up in a family of six and it sounds just like my upbringing, we were always fighting and bickering but we're all the best of friends now.

CreepySpider · 30/10/2021 11:13

I think four is one of the easiest ages to parent and I’d love to just have four year olds forever!

I agree that four children over nine years is a totally different dynamic. It’s also normal for older children to tell of younger siblings. Unless there is more to it, I think you are viewing things through eyes that have no experience of the true reality of parenting four.

Etonmessisyum · 30/10/2021 11:13

Her house sounds a bit of a nightmare but if you don’t like it I’d visit when they are at school tbh. I have 4 and yes we have our moments but doesn’t sound like your sisters house have you talked to her about how she’s feeling, maybe she’s a bit overwhelmed as it can be a lot.

My eldest is having relationship issues, and out partying a lot, 16 year old is just hard work, my 11 year old is great but also hard work and my youngest is being assessed for asn so I’ve got a lot on and it gets a bit ‘much’ sometimes and I get stressed - it’s just me though single parent. I’m tired and I feel as if I have a lot on my shoulders. I wouldn’t like to feel judged by family. Be there for her and the kids.

77kidsandcounting · 30/10/2021 11:14

I have 4 kids between 3 and 17 and my house isnt full of shouting and stress, my 17 year old does tell my 3 year old if she does something she shouldnt be doing though, so no I wouldnt say its normal life with 4 kids BUT it also doesnt sound abnormal if you know what I mean,

You seem abit judgy tbh

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 30/10/2021 11:15

Thing is, she won't change her parenting style if you say anything. All that will happen is that she will be furious, and is likely to limit contact with you, so you will have less opportunity to support your nephews & nieces.

I don't agree with PPs that shouting and sending out is normal at every meal, though - and I'm one of 4, with a very shouty mother, and had 3 (DFC) myself. Yes, you will have a lot of chaos and bickering, but even my family managed the occasional moment of harmony. And you are right that it's horribly stressful. I loathed family meals as a child and the term, 'family time' makes me shudder to this day.

DGFB · 30/10/2021 11:16

This is life with lots of kids!

julieca · 30/10/2021 11:17

Four kids aged 6 to 14 sounds very hard work. She will find it harder because of her own upbringing. But I suspect you don't understand how difficult this is.

ViceLikeBlip · 30/10/2021 11:19

Maybe they're "even stricter" when you're around as they can tell you don't approve of their unruly kids? I'm guilty of this sometimes and my (unruly) kids just tend to look at me in total confusion 😏

There are lots of downsides to growing up in a large family, and the constant bickering and the crowd control element are definitely wearing. But there are also lots of upsides as well- never bored, lots of stimulation, lots of conversation, and plenty of experience in conflict resolution 😉 If the parents are overwhelmed/struggling, then help them out. If they're happy with how they're managing, then keep schtum.

HouseSitter2B · 30/10/2021 11:22

I was one of 4 kids, with some big age gaps. Family life was nothing like you describe. There was never any shouting or arguments, beyond some mild occasional sibling bickering. It sounds grim OP, but I don’t think there’s a lot you can do.

Cheeseplantboots · 30/10/2021 11:22

Sounds like most families with four kids. Them being strict and sticking to their guns isn’t a negative thing at all.

You cannot judge or have any idea what it’s like to parent 4 children. They sound like good, consistent parents.

Comedycook · 30/10/2021 11:22

I think this can often be family life especially when you have multiple kids and they are older...tweens and teens can often be stroppy as full of attitude. Loudness and shouting doesn't necessarily mean a miserable existence...some families just have a slightly different dynamic. You say they're loved and there's no abuse...just love and support them like you would any family member.

Ponoka7 · 30/10/2021 11:23

"The older kids tell off the younger kids."

My six year old GC tells off her 4 year old sister, it starts with pointing out danger and carries on.

"Think i read a meme or something somewhere to say any more than 3 and you are basically a bouncer"

I could work for any security service because my de-escalation is world class and I practice it daily.

Shouting can be a personality thing. My DD shouts, I don't and never did.

Ozgirl75 · 30/10/2021 11:23

I have a lovely friend, with one child. She is so great, but she just has such a totally different experience to people who have more than one. I’m an only child as well and my parents didn’t shout, I had no one to bicker with, home life was very calm and chilled.
I have two boys and although they generally get on well, the noise! And there is just bickering sometimes, random arguing over nonsense, sitting on heads, running into a bedroom and farting at each other etc. And that’s just with two! I know my parents sometimes look at our house and go “wow” as it’s just such a different experience than having one (especially one girl I have to say).
So the arguments etc might not be great but honestly a house with one 4 year old girl is just not comparable to a house with four children of a variety of ages.