MIL and Dog

[LadyGAgain]

Firstly have to say that I have a very lovely MIL. We have a great relationship and I don't ever want to upset her.

Before covid she got a puppy. She's worked very hard to train him. He is a big dog (similar to a large labradoodle). He is very lovely natured. Loves the kids. Soppy.

We work hard and have worked hard to have a nice home. New sofas were delivered recently. The children have their toys of course to play with. We have a cat. This is (IMO) important.

Now my AIBU and to ask for advice. Christmas is approaching. On one of the celebratory days we will host the wider family here and I don't want her to bring the dog. My reasons for this are 3 fold. 1. We have a cat and she has never been around a dog.

1. He jumps on sofas and will need to go out for the toilet and I don't want muddy dog on our floors/sofa.
2. He still picks up things in his mouth and I don't want kids toys and our shoes in his mouth.

AIBU? How do I get over this and if I can't get over it, how can I gently explain this to MIL as I don't want to upset her. This dog is her life. Please help me. Thank you.

I don't have a cat and I still won't let dogs in my house. Just not wanting it there is a valid reason OP.

We have a small shelter they are welcome to keep the dogs in outside, or their cars. I appreciate that means people may not choose to come but that is their decision. A dog is not a baby/child and does not require the same adjustments - and smells a lot worse!

I had the same issue. DP told MIL dogs were not invited. She has now said she will only come for a couple hours which is fine by me tbh 😂

To be fair, MIL hasn't said anything about bringing the dog. OP is just getting prepared in case it is raised as a suggestion.

Given how close she lives, I really cannot see it becoming a problem OP and you are probably worrying quite unnecessarily

@BlairSinclair

I don't have a cat and I still won't let dogs in my house. Just not wanting it there is a valid reason OP.

We have a small shelter they are welcome to keep the dogs in outside, or their cars. I appreciate that means people may not choose to come but that is their decision. A dog is not a baby/child and does not require the same adjustments - and smells a lot worse!

A dog is not a baby/child and does not require the same adjustments

Indeed. Sadly most dog owners disagree.

Why do some dog owners think everyone else wants to entertain their dog? I have a dog and wouldn't dream of bringing her to someone's home unless the person specifically told me to bring her.

OP, you don't need to use anything as an excuse. It's your home. If you don't want the dog there, say no. Your husband can back you up as it's his home that will be messed up too or he can go be with his mom and her dog on Christmas.

I guess I'm just too old and cranky to sugarcoat anything or care if I offend. My house my rules. I would not want anyone's dog over my home, especially if it was misbehaved and ESPECIALLY if they just brought the dog and assumed I would be ok with it. Nope, nopity nope.

I do agree OP doesn't have to have the dog at all if she doesn't want to but she says she has a good relationship with MIL and I thought she might be looking for a compromise hence utility room behind a stair gate suggestion.

I found that in real life it was harder just to tell MIL to piss off with her dogs cos 'my house my rules' as mum sent always suggests because I did actually want to maintain a relationship with her and not fall out.

[quote Whereismumhiding3]@Goawayangryman
You have both dogs and cats so your cat will be used to a dog, hence why you can't understand. You'd house will already smell of dog. Cats that don't live with dogs are unlikely to be ok about it and show upset behaviour for up to a couple weeks afterwards.

If you RTFT you'll see how PPs explained it is a big deal to take dog into cats home even for a short while. It's unnecessary upset. [/quote]
When we just had the 4 cats we often hosted PIL with their large cat chasing dog. We would section an area off for the cats and they spent that time in there. They were never overly affected afterwards, always had a good sniff round to make sure the dog was really gone, and would be back curled up on the sofa a few hours after the dog had vacated it!

We now have both dogs and cats. Our dogs don't like cats despite our best efforts and would chase them. The dogs have the run of the kitchen diner and back garden, and occasionally the front room, and the cats have the run of upstairs, the front room and study most of the time and the front garden, orchard and woodland. They occasionally come face to face through a stair gate and get woofed at which they don't enjoy (usually when a visitor forgets to shut a door) and this doesn't affect their behaviour for weeks either.
Ime cats can quickly get used to occasionally sharing their territory with another animal and in the OPs situation I would (and have) just restrict the dog to a room and make sure the cats have access to other rooms. Perfectly manageable for one day. Besides which for us Christmas isn't Christmas without the dogs. They are part of the family, like extra children and I suspect MIL has quite a strong bond to the dog, especially if she's on her own. I think it would be a nice thing to do to make an effort to accommodate the dog.

Yep. I think it's a bit bonkers to make your whole house off limits owing to cleanliness, other pet, or "precious things" reasons.

And I say that as someone who grew up pretty not-well-off and who has various incompatible-with-visitors/ other animals pets ... Important humans always come top and before pets.

Other not-compatible with visiting animal pets... Sorry. Cut a chunk out of my post by accident.

Important humans always come top and before pets.

Don't be ridiculous. Those important humans have just put their dog above the home owners best interest or wishes. Why is that okay, but saying "no" I don't want a dog in my house isn't. Those "important humans" need to learn to give & take & understand that not everyone is going to live their dog too

But to me, important humans always do come before pets. Or a pristine house. Not ridiculous to me. Those are my choices.
My dog would prefer never to have to go away to his boarder when we go away (dunno about the pup yet ...). We want the occasional holiday therefore dog has to go to boarder .

Cat would far prefer fish and milk or an egg every day and to never have to share home with any kids, other small furries or irritating things like Hoovers, invocations to get off/ not scratch the furniture etc. Again, nope.

There is a balance with pets, children, etc. To me personally, a clean house is much less important than gritting my teeth and accommodating loved family members at Christmas. Sometime we have to put ourselves out a bit for others. Others may make different choices and that is ok but I wouldn't feel good about saying someone couldn't come because of their dog.

That's how I feel too and why I always have accommodated MIL's dogs within limits even though I would rather not. I do like her and want to see her and more importantly want her to see DH and her grandkids regularly

If I refused to have her dogs in the house at all it would be hard for her to come as often because she lives a couple of hours away so realistically she has to stay over and she can't afford to board out 3 dogs regularly plus the old ones are getting health issues now.

We don't have any pets and honestly I don't like her dogs terribly much. I like my house clean and not smelling of dog and my life would definitely be easier if she didn't have them but she does. I would not cause her to see her son and grandkids less over issues like that as family is more important.

People who have dogs have to understand they can't take them everywhere. They either accept the restrictions on their lives, or they don't get a dog.
No way would I have such a dirty animal in my home.

A Christmas party isn't the time to be introducing the cat and dog, leaving aside any hygiene issues. It would be difficult to keep an eye on them/keep them separate.
My indoor, never met a dog before cats have now met one. The older cat thinks dogs are ace, the younger mog bullied the dog mercilessly.

Others may make different choices and that is ok but I wouldn't feel good about saying someone couldn't come because of their dog

I don't feel good about saying people can't bring their dog in my house.
In fact I hate saying it. Having a dog in my house is worse though, so I have to.

I wouldn't consider having the dog over for Christmas. I don't think it would be fair on the cat to have the dog come into it's home.
It will be an added stress cleaning up after another animal on what's already a busy day.

Still have your MIL over. She'll probably have to leave early to get home for the dog but that's her responsibility.

I’d let people bring their dogs to my house if they wore pants. I just can’t get over the thought of a dog’s anus touching my sofa or carpet.

She's not yet asked to bring the dog but the kids have been saying "we need to intro dog to cat before Xmas as I promised Granny we would" sort of comments after seeing her...

OP

Get your DH to kindly but firmly talk to her ASAP.

Yep. Time for an up front talk as clearly expectations differ.

You need to talk to DH first too and make sure he is fully supportive of whatever decision you make even at the risk of disappointing/ Offending her or you will be undermined.

I made that mistake with my DH and he easily gave in at the first sign of trouble

She's not yet asked to bring the dog but the kids have been saying "we need to intro dog to cat before Xmas as I promised Granny we would" sort of comments after seeing her...

This is actually worse than asking. She's presumed it's okay & is getting your kids onside so it's harder for you to say no. This would seriously pee me off. Put your foot down & tell DH to tell her no dogs

The people with dogs saying they would accept this are clearly in the camp that everyone loves their precious pooches. Everyone doesn't & a lot of us find them annoying as you can guarantee this attitude comes with bad dog ownership. We have friends like this who we camp with. They hate their dog begging food & tell it off... only when it's begging their food & completely ignore it begging & stealing food from everyone else. I would not want to risk that at my dinner table.

You need DH to understandings a firm no to the dog & to make that clear to DMIL

Oh, my apologies - I must be imagining how much my own industry is booming, then

So you have a vested interest in promoting the idea that dogs can't survive without frequent paid visits?

I have to say the doggy day care industry has done quite the number in recent decades. It used to be entirely normal for dogs to stay home when owners worked or for more than a few hours whilst they were out. They had food, water, shelter and if indoors then a toilet area. I don't recall large numbers of aging dogs needing psychotherapy.

However I think there was also less anthropomorphism around pets and a bit more realism. So puppies/kittens obviously needed more time and attention and less dogs unsuitable for individual situations. I'm not convinced things are better now that an entire industry has grown up around pets and pet paraphernalia.

In my opinion younger dogs dont really cope well, though older ones may manage better.

A dog is not a baby/child and does not require the same adjustments

This in spades! Many dog owners don't believe this though and that's where it causes problems. The number of posts on Facebook regarding dog owners not getting a lie in when the clocks change!! They don't know they are born!

OP, reading your update, I'd be getting this fixed ASAP as to manage expectations for your MIL, and the kids too, they probably don't realise how much it won't work.

Your house, your rules. Your MIL can chose how she deals with those rules.

With regard to mess I think you maybe in for a shock with your cat. I currently have a dog but have had a cat in the past and in my experience the cat was much more destructive and messy than the dog. Some (not all) cats will still claw furniture even if there are scratching posts in every room, they shed hair but are less amenable to grooming and cats do not wipe their paws when they come; look forward to small muddy paw prints on your sofa. My dog loves to be brushed, waits to have his paws wiped or washed before he comes inside and knows his seat on the sofa is the one with the blanket on it. He'll even let me know he needs to go out if he's going to vomit, the cat, not so much!