MIL and Dog

[LadyGAgain]

Firstly have to say that I have a very lovely MIL. We have a great relationship and I don't ever want to upset her.

Before covid she got a puppy. She's worked very hard to train him. He is a big dog (similar to a large labradoodle). He is very lovely natured. Loves the kids. Soppy.

We work hard and have worked hard to have a nice home. New sofas were delivered recently. The children have their toys of course to play with. We have a cat. This is (IMO) important.

Now my AIBU and to ask for advice. Christmas is approaching. On one of the celebratory days we will host the wider family here and I don't want her to bring the dog. My reasons for this are 3 fold. 1. We have a cat and she has never been around a dog.

1. He jumps on sofas and will need to go out for the toilet and I don't want muddy dog on our floors/sofa.
2. He still picks up things in his mouth and I don't want kids toys and our shoes in his mouth.

AIBU? How do I get over this and if I can't get over it, how can I gently explain this to MIL as I don't want to upset her. This dog is her life. Please help me. Thank you.

A compromise is to insist that she brings a Marge dog pen and floor coverings and the dog goes in the pen, on floor coverings for the whole visit rather than having free range. When taken to the toilet, it is walked out on a lead. If she can’t agree to that, then she finds a dog daycare / walker / sitter (plenty work over Christmas - ours does). People shouldn’t get dogs without thinking of these practicalities. Dogs limit and tie you. It’s not your job to find solutions for her choices!

Large not Marge fgs

@TheGirlCat.the guidelines of any rescue centre or the RSPCA states clearly,if you work all day and nobody takes the dog out during the day,you are not allowed a dog.Are you that selfish with people too in your life?or just with animals?You are very very strange indeed.I have never actually known anybody who would admit being so uncaring for a dog.What a fuck example to children too.

Surely you could put the cat upstairs where it's quiet? Put toys up out of the dog's reach, and mil to clean up any mess?

Or maybe they just don't want a dog in the house? It isn't unreasonable to not want a dog in the house IMO. Something that some dog owners simply don't understand.

Those of you saying the cat can go upstairs or outside, that’s not fair on the cat. It will still know there is a dog in the house and will likely feel threatened. It annoys me when people think, and often say, “it’s a cat, it can get out the way if it doesn’t like it”, a cat is as important as a dog.

[quote icedcoffees]**@icedcoffees Maybe in your batshit reality furbaby helicopter world people would pay for 'daycare' for a dog, but in reality most people don't

Oh, my apologies - I must be imagining how much my own industry is booming, then

I AM a dog walker and I know plenty of people who provide daycare and they all, without fail, have huge waiting lists. My books are full and all the other walkers in the area are also full with long waiting lists.

Luckily MOST people here don't think it's acceptable to get dogs and leave them alone for 8+ hours a day [/quote]
There are waiting lists for dog sitters/walkers and daycare round here.
So thankfully there do seem to be plenty of people who actually care about their dogs

The dog still picks things up with it's mouth! My dog is broke! He's 6 and still picks things up with his mouth!

*sorry

I'm a real dog lover, and honestly I feel like you shouldn't even need an excuse. If someone invites me for dinner and I wanted to bring my dogs, I'd ask and only if they gave me an express yes would I bring them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you not wanting the dog there, but to echo PP using your cat as the excuse is your best shout.

@TheCatGirl - I've just counted up, I know 16 other people with dogs. None of them leave the dog in all day when they go to work. Some work part time, some work from home, some have a SAHP in the house, several use dog day care (either a drop off or a walker coming in to take the dog out mid day), 2 drop dogs with retired parents when at work and 1 takes their dog to work with them.

Leaving a dog all day for say 7 hours + is really not something people do routinely. In fact I was encouraged to make sure we had a walker with a key to our house set up in case we got caught out planning to be out for only a couple of hours then having to stay longer. If you know people who routinely do this, you know people who are cruel to their pet.

@Dillydollydingdong

Surely you could put the cat upstairs where it's quiet? Put toys up out of the dog's reach, and mil to clean up any mess?

The children are infant aged. Their toys include barbie houses and cars. They aren't easily put out of reach. And why should I?

And I think many other posters have given reasons why the cat shouldn't be shoved upstairs away. I'm guessing you have a dog.

And I think many other posters have given reasons why the cat shouldn't be shoved upstairs away. I'm guessing you have a dog.

Maybe she does have a dog. But I gave dogs and no way should the cat be put upstairs to accommodate a dog for the day. It’s your cats home, you shouldn’t have someone else’s dog in it, your cat may be upset for weeks after.

But has your MIL even asked to bring the dog?

@GirlWithAGuitar

It its totally acceptable and normal to leave a dog all day alone. That, is normal. You are very strange. Very strange indeed.

Of course it’s not acceptable to leave a dog alone all day. 🙄

The girlcat seems to be extolling some very cruel dog ownership practices. Of course it’s not all right to leave a dog all day to got to work. I feel sorry for the dogs in this country of hers if they’re left out in the garden all day during winter.

I think you need to agree with MIL a safe place where the dog is going to stay eg utility room behind a stair gate and make it the norm that this is where it stays when at your house. Put it a bed in there and give it treats when it goes and lies down there. Maybe a Kong or chew toys to keep it entertained. Invite her over and practice this before Christmas so the dog knows what the routine is.

It will actually be better for the dog too if you make a nice safe spot for it. It likely will prefer a safe quiet space away from children and the cat too. Make sure children don't pet it on its bed as that is its safe spot.

As I said I wish I had established this rule with my MIL's dogs and my BIL did do this quite successfully at his house. As long as the dog has had a walk and has a comfortable spot it's not cruel for it to be away from the rest of the house and in fact it may be better. MIL might also find it less stressful not having to worry how the dog is around the children and the cat and nor do you so it's actually a win win for all.

Your problem comes if she doesn't agree with this plan and says it'll be fine etc etc. In that case it's a hard line of dog in the utility room or no dog in the house at all. I regret that I allowed boundaries to be transgressed and I resented cleaning up fur for ages after every visit and that one of the dogs actually nipped my 2yr old when MIL was supposed to be supervising them.
The toddler was bothering the dog but this should never have been allowed and they should have been separated as I'd originally asked.

"I think you need to agree with MIL a safe place where the dog is going to stay"

Why does she?

There are plenty of other solutions that MIL can be looking into for her dog!

Or maybe they just don't want a dog in the house? It isn't unreasonable to not want a dog in the house IMO
It's so hard to explain this concept to some. I invited a new acquaintance and her husband for dinner and she thanked me and said "just to let you know, we'll have to bring the dog". I told her I don't have dogs in my house because they make me sneeze. Plus I don't really like them very much and I'd be in edge. "But we won't be able to come otherwise" she said.

I said ok fair enough. She seemed quite shocked and I ended up feeling like the unreasonable one. Our friendship has not taken off.

You have a cat, it's a simple no. It unfortunately par for the course when you get a dog, stick to your guns.

We have cats & after trying once with a friends well trained & good natured dog, no dog enters our house. Our poor big soppy tomcat actually had full blown panic attack & couldn't breathe

I get it op. I would definitely use the cat as an excuse although all of your reasons are fair enough. And your DH should have the conversation.

I think this is just one of the realities of having a dog as your MIL will have realised.

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

I think you need to agree with MIL a safe place where the dog is going to stay eg utility room behind a stair gate and make it the norm that this is where it stays when at your house. Put it a bed in there and give it treats when it goes and lies down there. Maybe a Kong or chew toys to keep it entertained. Invite her over and practice this before Christmas so the dog knows what the routine is.

It will actually be better for the dog too if you make a nice safe spot for it. It likely will prefer a safe quiet space away from children and the cat too. Make sure children don't pet it on its bed as that is its safe spot.

As I said I wish I had established this rule with my MIL's dogs and my BIL did do this quite successfully at his house. As long as the dog has had a walk and has a comfortable spot it's not cruel for it to be away from the rest of the house and in fact it may be better. MIL might also find it less stressful not having to worry how the dog is around the children and the cat and nor do you so it's actually a win win for all.

Your problem comes if she doesn't agree with this plan and says it'll be fine etc etc. In that case it's a hard line of dog in the utility room or no dog in the house at all. I regret that I allowed boundaries to be transgressed and I resented cleaning up fur for ages after every visit and that one of the dogs actually nipped my 2yr old when MIL was supposed to be supervising them.
The toddler was bothering the dog but this should never have been allowed and they should have been separated as I'd originally asked.

The only acceptable place at OPs house is MILs car IMHO.

@CoolOven

Or maybe they just don't want a dog in the house? It isn't unreasonable to not want a dog in the house IMO It's so hard to explain this concept to some. I invited a new acquaintance and her husband for dinner and she thanked me and said "just to let you know, we'll have to bring the dog". I told her I don't have dogs in my house because they make me sneeze. Plus I don't really like them very much and I'd be in edge. "But we won't be able to come otherwise" she said.

I said ok fair enough. She seemed quite shocked and I ended up feeling like the unreasonable one. Our friendship has not taken off.

You really really really shouldn't have felt like the unreasonable one.

If she's only ten minutes away it is no problem, the dog will be fine and she can pop back every couple of hours to let him out for a wee, and take him for a walk before she leaves. He will be fine. I have a dog and would never take him when I go to my DS and DDIL's house because they have cats (actually the cats are more likely to attack him - he's a complete wimp).
Also I wouldn't take my dog anywhere where he might eat a little toy like a Barbie shoe or something, it could end up with a very expensive vet visit - I'd use that as a reason for you MIL, that you don;t want the dog to eat plastic and get sick. Also after Christmas etc the dog will probably be finding lots of new people and new places a bit overwhelming so it would be kinder to leave him at home in peace.

It's 10 minutes away. MILs house.

Ten.Minutes

She can feed/walk the dog before she leaves and pop back every 2 hours if she wants to to let it out or walk it again.

She wont expect to bring the dog surely?

I mean who brings their dog with them when they live 10 minutes up the road?!

No way would someone's dog trump my cat.

It's a totally valid reason OP.

My cat would be traumatised. He doesn't like new people in the house, never mind a bloody dog.