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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Dog

213 replies

LadyGAgain · 30/10/2021 09:43

Firstly have to say that I have a very lovely MIL. We have a great relationship and I don't ever want to upset her.

Before covid she got a puppy. She's worked very hard to train him. He is a big dog (similar to a large labradoodle). He is very lovely natured. Loves the kids. Soppy.

We work hard and have worked hard to have a nice home. New sofas were delivered recently. The children have their toys of course to play with. We have a cat. This is (IMO) important.

Now my AIBU and to ask for advice. Christmas is approaching. On one of the celebratory days we will host the wider family here and I don't want her to bring the dog. My reasons for this are 3 fold. 1. We have a cat and she has never been around a dog.

  1. He jumps on sofas and will need to go out for the toilet and I don't want muddy dog on our floors/sofa.
  2. He still picks up things in his mouth and I don't want kids toys and our shoes in his mouth.

AIBU? How do I get over this and if I can't get over it, how can I gently explain this to MIL as I don't want to upset her. This dog is her life. Please help me. Thank you.

OP posts:
Cyw2018 · 31/10/2021 10:21

It's fine to say no to the dog but you need to be prepared for MIL to not come and visit as a result, particularly over the festive period when booking dog walkers or Kennels will be more difficult. Even normally it could be challenging for your MIL to find doggy care especially whilst the dog is young and one walk mid day wouldn't be enough to prevent some young dogs trashing the place whilst she is out visiting you.

Snaketime · 31/10/2021 10:24

Well put the kids toys etc out of the way so the dog can't get them, put an old sheet over the sofas to keep them clean. Both of those are easily solved. The cat is your saving grace here. Do it in a way of caring about the dog, 'oh the cat hates dogs and I would hate for them to hurt your dog as they can get quite aggressive with dogs'

SpookyS · 31/10/2021 10:28

@Cyw2018

It's fine to say no to the dog but you need to be prepared for MIL to not come and visit as a result, particularly over the festive period when booking dog walkers or Kennels will be more difficult. Even normally it could be challenging for your MIL to find doggy care especially whilst the dog is young and one walk mid day wouldn't be enough to prevent some young dogs trashing the place whilst she is out visiting you.

She lives 10 minutes away!

Original poster
LadyGAgain · 31/10/2021 10:35

Again thank you - it's been so interesting to read various POV's.

I think I'm going to suggest that she come with dog and we go for a nice walk together and the kids can then travel back with her to drop dog off before returning for the afternoon for food. If I suggest it in that way she will know that dog can't come for the afternoon. Cat is a recent rescue. Rescue thought cat would be ok to be homes with a dog but that's different to a dog visitor and given how precious I am about the house Wink cat piss everywhere might send me over the edge!

She's hosting the big day already so we will be there on that day.

OP posts:
TheGirlCat · 31/10/2021 10:42

@icedcoffees

Of course it is acceptable and normal to leave a dog in it's own home alone all day.

I'm glad I don't live in your world.

Meanwhile, in reality, people hire dog walkers, pay for daycare or get family to help so their dogs aren't stuck on their own for the majority of their lives Hmm

@icedcoffees Maybe in your batshit reality furbaby helicopter world people would pay for 'daycare' for a dog, but in reality most people don't. Hmm
TheGirlCat · 31/10/2021 10:45

@LadyGAgain

Again thank you - it's been so interesting to read various POV's.

I think I'm going to suggest that she come with dog and we go for a nice walk together and the kids can then travel back with her to drop dog off before returning for the afternoon for food. If I suggest it in that way she will know that dog can't come for the afternoon. Cat is a recent rescue. Rescue thought cat would be ok to be homes with a dog but that's different to a dog visitor and given how precious I am about the house Wink cat piss everywhere might send me over the edge!

She's hosting the big day already so we will be there on that day.

That sounds very complicated OP. Why not just say no to the dog altogether? It's up to her to decide to walk the dog before she leaves. Coming to your house with the dog only to walk straight back to hers with it the moment she arrives doesn't make any sense.

But that this is even an issue when she lives 10 minutes away doesn't make any sense at all, and I thought I'd read everything and heard everything on this site. I'm still stunned. I thought nothing surprised me anymore, this thread changed that.

SpeakingFranglais · 31/10/2021 10:45

My MIL also has a dog and we have two cats. She is repeatedly reminded that she doesn't get to bring her dig into the house, ever. I don't like her bringing it into the garden in the summer but tolerate it.

There is no way on earth her dog trumps my cats in their own home.
I don't like her yappy, whiffy, sod either

diddl · 31/10/2021 10:49

Would it be easier to go there to walk the dog with her to make sure it stays at home?

TheGirlCat · 31/10/2021 10:50

@DottyHarmer Maybe if you live where the “dogs home alone all day” poster lives it is acceptable as the weather is ok. Where I am now it is lashing it down and mega windy. Imagine being at work and a poor dog shivering outside in this!

True but that's where dogflaps come in. Also people who live in apartments or flats train their dogs with 'dog toilet pads' to go in a section of the house, so no need for the dog to go out just to do it's business. Some people here walk their dogs purely for exercise, after work and/or before work.

icedcoffees · 31/10/2021 10:50

@icedcoffees Maybe in your batshit reality furbaby helicopter world people would pay for 'daycare' for a dog, but in reality most people don't

Oh, my apologies - I must be imagining how much my own industry is booming, then Hmm

I AM a dog walker and I know plenty of people who provide daycare and they all, without fail, have huge waiting lists. My books are full and all the other walkers in the area are also full with long waiting lists.

Luckily MOST people here don't think it's acceptable to get dogs and leave them alone for 8+ hours a day Hmm

TheGirlCat · 31/10/2021 10:53

[quote icedcoffees]**@icedcoffees Maybe in your batshit reality furbaby helicopter world people would pay for 'daycare' for a dog, but in reality most people don't

Oh, my apologies - I must be imagining how much my own industry is booming, then Hmm

I AM a dog walker and I know plenty of people who provide daycare and they all, without fail, have huge waiting lists. My books are full and all the other walkers in the area are also full with long waiting lists.

Luckily MOST people here don't think it's acceptable to get dogs and leave them alone for 8+ hours a day Hmm[/quote]
It just goes to show a fool and their money will pay for anything. What a waste... Luckily, MOST people live in the real world and wouldn't throw their money away like that. Hmm

TheGirlCat · 31/10/2021 10:58

There's an 'industry' for everything these days. Hmm

DottyHarmer · 31/10/2021 10:59

Well, you can leave a dog home alone all day. You can leave it with a pad of paper to go on. You can keep it tethered all day. You can never take it for a walk.

But it makes you an unkind arsehole.

Notonthestairs · 31/10/2021 11:01

@LadyGAgain

Again thank you - it's been so interesting to read various POV's.

I think I'm going to suggest that she come with dog and we go for a nice walk together and the kids can then travel back with her to drop dog off before returning for the afternoon for food. If I suggest it in that way she will know that dog can't come for the afternoon. Cat is a recent rescue. Rescue thought cat would be ok to be homes with a dog but that's different to a dog visitor and given how precious I am about the house Wink cat piss everywhere might send me over the edge!

She's hosting the big day already so we will be there on that day.

That sounds like a sensible work around.
TheGirlCat · 31/10/2021 11:03

@DottyHarmer

Well, you can leave a dog home alone all day. You can leave it with a pad of paper to go on. You can keep it tethered all day. You can never take it for a walk.

But it makes you an unkind arsehole.

No, it makes one a normal, sane person. Not a batshit crazy helicopter 'fur parent'.
sjxoxo · 31/10/2021 11:08

If it’s just the day she should be able to leave the dog.. I do think The three points on your list are not necessarily definitely going to occur- our dogs wouldn’t eat peoples shoes or toys etc.
The cat will just stay out of the way but yes the cat won’t enjoy it but you can put the cat upstairs for example. Agree if you have a utility room or similar the dog could go there but I expect it will bark.

To have a harmonious day I think you have 2 options- 1) she leaves the dog at home, 2) you have the dog round for stints of time between now and then so he gets used to your house & rules. This might be a good idea in the long run! Could you buy him a doggy bed and some treats as his Christmas gift and do some training at your house so he is less over excited and will learn he has a place to stay and will be rewarded for staying on his bed. If he’s young you will have a good few years of him being in her life and it might be better for you all to tackle the dogs behaviour so it becomes easy for you all. You never know he might win you over! 2 hours of being at you house and trained to stay on his bed you will have cracked it. Good luck! Xo

NCkitchen · 31/10/2021 11:09

I would put the Cat outside for a bit and then Limited to certain rooms

Put covers on sofas.

Toys looked after /put away / or will be played with so dog won't get hem. Get toys specifically for the dog

diddl · 31/10/2021 11:13

@NCkitchen

I would put the Cat outside for a bit and then Limited to certain rooms

Put covers on sofas.

Toys looked after /put away / or will be played with so dog won't get hem. Get toys specifically for the dog

MIL is only 10mins away & can easily get back to her dog!

There's no need for the cat to be out in mid December or for the dog to be at Op's!

Subbaxeo · 31/10/2021 11:16

Sensible compromise achieved.

QueenofKattegat · 31/10/2021 11:20

@TheGirlCat

There's an 'industry' for everything these days. Hmm
You're really unpleasant, aren't you?

You're not changing anyone's mind. You can use immature aggressive terms like "helicopter dog parent" as much as you want; doesn't change the fact that leaving a dog alone all day every day is cruel. Every animal welfare organisation in the country agrees.

TheGirlCat · 31/10/2021 11:25

@QueenofKattegat I'm unpleasant because I have a different view? Or maybe I am simply reacting to people being insulting to me.

It doesn't change the fact that until very recently it was normal to leave a dog at home during the work day, and it certainly is no cruel. No matter how many times you say it is. It simply is not. This thread is truly crazy.

icedcoffees · 31/10/2021 11:30

It just goes to show a fool and their money will pay for anything. What a waste... Luckily, MOST people live in the real world and wouldn't throw their money away like that.

Well, I mean, people clearly do, or otherwise walkers and daycares wouldn't be full to bursting with waiting lists, would they?

I mean, obviously you're free to think it's "ridiculous" all you like, but the pet-care industry (and yes, it is a legitimate industry, not something I've just made up off the top of my head Wink) is huge for a reason.

Doggy daycare, walkers, sitters, boarding kennels - these things aren't just some weird new phenomenon. They've existed for years and are very popular. You may not use them but that doesn't change the fact that thousands of dog owners do!

icedcoffees · 31/10/2021 11:32

It doesn't change the fact that until very recently it was normal to leave a dog at home during the work day

And until relatively recently, dogs were left to just roam the streets all day long. Just because something used to be normal, doesn't mean it's okay or a good thing to continue doing, lol.

DottyHarmer · 31/10/2021 11:39

Yes, in the “good old days” one was slaloming through dog poo on pavements….

My granny’s dog used to set off after breakfast and roam the streets of her small town before returning home for tea. People would say, “Just saw Nick up the park.” Can you imagine that today?!

TheGirlCat · 31/10/2021 11:48

Thankfully dogs have never roamed freely here, at least not in the 45 years I've been around.