MIL and Dog

[LadyGAgain]

Firstly have to say that I have a very lovely MIL. We have a great relationship and I don't ever want to upset her.

Before covid she got a puppy. She's worked very hard to train him. He is a big dog (similar to a large labradoodle). He is very lovely natured. Loves the kids. Soppy.

We work hard and have worked hard to have a nice home. New sofas were delivered recently. The children have their toys of course to play with. We have a cat. This is (IMO) important.

Now my AIBU and to ask for advice. Christmas is approaching. On one of the celebratory days we will host the wider family here and I don't want her to bring the dog. My reasons for this are 3 fold. 1. We have a cat and she has never been around a dog.

1. He jumps on sofas and will need to go out for the toilet and I don't want muddy dog on our floors/sofa.
2. He still picks up things in his mouth and I don't want kids toys and our shoes in his mouth.

AIBU? How do I get over this and if I can't get over it, how can I gently explain this to MIL as I don't want to upset her. This dog is her life. Please help me. Thank you.

I would say 4 hours max. That's enough Radio4 for anyone

Most working people either come home at lunchtime or pay someone to pop in to let the dog out and give poochy a cuddle.

@LaetitiaASD absolutely yes. Going out all day without arranging a dog walker etc is, in my view, unnecessary and unfair.

The RSPCA say so too: "The length of time a dog can be left alone depends on the individual dog but we advise that they are left for no longer than four hours so they have opportunities to exercise, go to the toilet, and spend time with people".

I would normally say 4 hrs as well. But a dog that doesn't have separation anxiety and is used to being on its own for a couple of hours, would generally cope fine for longer as a one off. Rookiedog had a full day stint when he was younger as the dog walker forgot to take him out for the day.
Either that or neighbours could be asked to let him into the garden or take him for a short walk. I'm not a fan of putting dogs into kennels for one day - imho most dogs are less traumatised by being left on their own for a few hours longer than they're used to, over being taken to a completely new surrounding and left there overnight.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I think you'll find kennels are still working over Christmas

... and yes, blame the cat

Good luck finding space! Our boarding place gets booked up for Christmas by Feb.

I think it's fine to tell your MIL she can't bring the dog, but you might have to accept she won't be able to come.

@rookiemere

I would normally say 4 hrs as well. But a dog that doesn't have separation anxiety and is used to being on its own for a couple of hours, would generally cope fine for longer as a one off. Rookiedog had a full day stint when he was younger as the dog walker forgot to take him out for the day. Either that or neighbours could be asked to let him into the garden or take him for a short walk. I'm not a fan of putting dogs into kennels for one day - imho most dogs are less traumatised by being left on their own for a few hours longer than they're used to, over being taken to a completely new surrounding and left there overnight.

I like my neighbours but I wouldn't be keen if they asked me to take their dog for a walk on Christmas Day!

If MIL is going to need dog care, she'll need to know as soon as possible. I've been turning down requests for Christmas holiday care since March and all the other local boarders and licenced kennels are now full too, apart from the one that has so many bad reviews that it's unlikely to stay in business much longer.

It's ok to say no to your lovely MIL if she's expecting to bring her dog coming round to your house. It doesn't mean you don't love her or like her dog- it just means you love your cat as much as she loves her dog. (For reasons already explained)

You don’t need to justify your decision - if it doesn’t work for your home, the dog doesn’t come. Simple.

We have a cat and a young Labrador and my in-laws dogs are banned from the house, no exceptions. Both dogs have chased my Labrador, and one dog bit her during over excitement in play and my girl is the sweetest thing but she was terrified, so I won’t ever have them in the house now. I told DH, it’s his family, he spoke to them, that’s that. I won’t be negotiating it.

They are all coming over at Christmas, and they’ve also been told no dogs, they’ll have to either come for a few hours or find alternative arrangements.

I’m sure if you or DH spoke to MIL, she would be able to sort something out with notice whether that’s daycare, kennels, a local neighbour to pop in and let the dog out for a wee etc, there are so many options!

I don't know why the UK seems to be so different from every other country that they can't leave a dog animal for more than 4 hours

The UK was already going dog-mad before covid but since covid and all the lockdown dogs it has become completely ridiculous. Dogs are no longer pets, they are "fur babies" and "part of the family" and have to be treated like a child and therefore taken everywhere (including the office).

Even on Christmas Day I suspect the MIL has a teen neighbour who'd like to earn a few quid for taking the dog out for a walk while she is visiting the OP.

Has she even said she plans to bring the dog? I don't think many dog owners would assume they could. I've had dogs all my life and never taken them to someone's house (unless they've asked me).

How far away does she live ? If it’s not too far she can pop home and walk it a couple of times.
When you have a dog you know you have restrictions.

Thank you all so much. You've given me lots to consider and have been truly helpful.

I am a bit precious about the house and the kids stuff. It's not an excuse. As a child we couldn't afford to replace stuff so we looked after it and that's something I still live by.

MIL only lives a 10 minute drive away so perhaps that's close enough for this not to be a huge problem.

I confess I hadn't considered the longer term impact of the dog on the cat in the cats territory. I'll chat this through with DH.

MIL wouldn't ever just turn up and expect to bring dog in but I know she yearns to be able to do so. He has been in the house before in the summer when doors and Windows were open and he was clean and dry.

Like most things in life, we need to talk to her and discuss the plan which might be that we spend the day together after she's taken dog for a long walk but after 4 hours she pops back to toilet and walk dog again before coming back.

Kids love that dog a lot and like I said, he really poses no threat. He's just big, waggy, chewy and a dog!

Much appreciated each of your responses.

@LadyGAgain

Firstly have to say that I have a very lovely MIL. We have a great relationship and I don't ever want to upset her.

Before covid she got a puppy. She's worked very hard to train him. He is a big dog (similar to a large labradoodle). He is very lovely natured. Loves the kids. Soppy.

We work hard and have worked hard to have a nice home. New sofas were delivered recently. The children have their toys of course to play with. We have a cat. This is (IMO) important.

Now my AIBU and to ask for advice. Christmas is approaching. On one of the celebratory days we will host the wider family here and I don't want her to bring the dog. My reasons for this are 3 fold. 1. We have a cat and she has never been around a dog.

1. He jumps on sofas and will need to go out for the toilet and I don't want muddy dog on our floors/sofa.
2. He still picks up things in his mouth and I don't want kids toys and our shoes in his mouth.

AIBU? How do I get over this and if I can't get over it, how can I gently explain this to MIL as I don't want to upset her. This dog is her life. Please help me. Thank you.

sorry i havent read the rest of the posts, but just in case it hasnt been mentioned, why not restrict the dog to the kitchen and put a baby gate across the doorway? and if the dog goes outside then she needs to bring an old towel to clean the dog before coming in the house. the baby gate will also give the cat the ability to escape being around the dog

If she only lives 10 mins away she can't come for lunch, go home and walk him, come back for a couple of hours, then go home to him.

I wouldn't even entertain a conversation about the dog.

I know my mil would love to bring her dog and for us to just lock the cat out, or put him in the bedroom. Not happening. Our cat is a rescue and we probably wouldn't see him for a week if a dog had been indoors! It's his home, he had a tough enough life in and out of shelters, and he's our priority.

@Goawayangryman

Anyone who suggested my cat could go outside or upstairs in my house, to accommodate a dog wouldn't be welcome.

My cat is part of my family and no way would I shut him anywhere for a dog.

That's alright... Different strokes for different folks. It's not to accommodate the cat, but the MIL.

I've got both dogs and cats. I love them all. But neither dog nor cat will die from being confined to a relatively large area for a few hours...

@Goawayangryman
You have both dogs and cats so your cat will be used to a dog, hence why you can't understand. You'd house will already smell of dog. Cats that don't live with dogs are unlikely to be ok about it and show upset behaviour for up to a couple weeks afterwards.

If you RTFT you'll see how PPs explained it is a big deal to take dog into cats home even for a short while. It's unnecessary upset.

It’s one day. Not worth the upset that it would cause. It’s not going to be the only time she comes to visit. Look at solutions:

• Get king/super king bed sheets to cover the sofas.
• Ask her to bring towels to dry the dogs feet once it has been outside.
• Borrow a stair gate. Put it on a door to create a dog-friendly room or get a play pen/room divider to block the dog off.
• Introduce the dog and cat separately. You’ll be suprised how well these animals get on. If nothing the cat will be clever enough to find a spot away from the dog.

If nothing the cat will be clever enough to find a spot away from the dog
And when the dog's gone it will go round pissing on everything to get rid of the dog smell and re mark its territory.

We just put the cat in the bedroom when my dsd visits with her dog-we just say he’s not allowed on furniture. Yes, he is boisterous but he’s just kept on a firm lead until he settles down. Having good relationships with family does involve compromise and it’s easier for her to bring him rather than stressing about getting back in time. I don’t understand these people saying it’s your house so you get to say who comes-yes it is but surely you want those who you love to feel good rather than acting like a little Hitler. I could understand if say, your children are scared of dogs or allergic but that doesn’t sound the case-they might be delighted to see Granny’s dog on a special day.

Btw-our cat is a well loved part of my family too, but she’s hardly traumatised by being put in a warm bedroom to sleep rather than being forced to interact with a large dog. We do the same if workmen come to the house. She sniffs around a bit when he’s gone and then goes back to normal.

There speaks someone who has never had a "playful" young labrador.

Some dog owners, and it is only some simply don't get how inconvenient it is in many ways to have a dog visiting a dog free household.

Yesterday we had two sets of friends round with their dogs. One dog was put into our (heated) conservatory. Our other friends kept their dog in the car because both dogs fight are too boisterous with each other. Both sets of owners took their dogs for walk, fed them etc at appropriate times, and everyone, including the dogs were happy. They did this because they both had two hour drives, not 10 minutes.

I would have thought that if your MIL only lived a 10 minute drive away she could pop back to walk and feed her dog.

If MIL lives only 10 minutes away, then this is a non-issue! You say you are very sorry, but the cat won't cope with having a dog in the house so puppy can't come over, but we thought maybe everyone could swing by MILs after lunch to collect bouncy puppy and take him for a walk to walk off the lunch. Puppy can be returned to own bed afterwards and MIL come back to yours for the rest of the afternoon.

Dog gets walk, kids get fresh air yo reduce the chance of afternoon squbbling - plan round this with some sort of outdoor toy like a scooter or walkie talkies for at least one of the dcs to take out and use on dog walk/ at the park.

Oh and we have a puppy. She's still only 5 months old so hasn't been left for more than a couple of hours yet, but we wouldn't assume an invite included the dog if it was so close to us that we didn't need to stay over. A 10 min drive, if we needed to be there for more than 2 hours now (or 4 hours when she's older), we'd just be clear with the host one of us would have to pop back to let the dog out / give her a cuddle, then come back.

Could you host at MIL's if it's only ten minutes away? You can still provide the food and do as much prep and cooking at yours beforehand, and the drive over there for the day?

I'd say that would make much more sense really - it means MIL isn't worrying about the dog and your cat has some peace and quiet and isn't trapped in a house full of noisy visitors.