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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Dog

213 replies

LadyGAgain · 30/10/2021 09:43

Firstly have to say that I have a very lovely MIL. We have a great relationship and I don't ever want to upset her.

Before covid she got a puppy. She's worked very hard to train him. He is a big dog (similar to a large labradoodle). He is very lovely natured. Loves the kids. Soppy.

We work hard and have worked hard to have a nice home. New sofas were delivered recently. The children have their toys of course to play with. We have a cat. This is (IMO) important.

Now my AIBU and to ask for advice. Christmas is approaching. On one of the celebratory days we will host the wider family here and I don't want her to bring the dog. My reasons for this are 3 fold. 1. We have a cat and she has never been around a dog.

  1. He jumps on sofas and will need to go out for the toilet and I don't want muddy dog on our floors/sofa.
  2. He still picks up things in his mouth and I don't want kids toys and our shoes in his mouth.

AIBU? How do I get over this and if I can't get over it, how can I gently explain this to MIL as I don't want to upset her. This dog is her life. Please help me. Thank you.

OP posts:
Dizzy1234 · 30/10/2021 11:38

I'm a cat person but personally I would put the cat in a bedroom with the door shut, litter tray, food etc.
Cover the sofa with throws or old duvet covers, if the dog goes in the garden for a wee or whatever let it back in the kitchen and wipe it's feet.
I do this with my mums dog and I have cream carpets. 🙄
Your mil won't be able to leave it at home or get a sitter at Christmas, it's one day, I'd do my best to accommodate the dog but tbh I'm a complete people pleaser (pushover)

TheGirlCat · 30/10/2021 11:41

@Dizzy1234

I'm a cat person but personally I would put the cat in a bedroom with the door shut, litter tray, food etc. Cover the sofa with throws or old duvet covers, if the dog goes in the garden for a wee or whatever let it back in the kitchen and wipe it's feet. I do this with my mums dog and I have cream carpets. 🙄 Your mil won't be able to leave it at home or get a sitter at Christmas, it's one day, I'd do my best to accommodate the dog but tbh I'm a complete people pleaser (pushover)
If it's 'one day' then the mil should be able to leave the dog at home for one day. No way would I lock my cat in a bedroom, it would be prefer to stay outdoors anyway while visitors are here.
VampireVicki · 30/10/2021 11:47

Points 2 and 3 make you sound precious and like you are deliberately putting barriers in the way.

Point 1 is valid, it's your DCats home and they deserve to feel safe there. I don't allow dogs in my home (other than very short term emergency situations) for this reason and my friends and family with dogs understand this.

How far away is MIL? Can she visit for a few hours without DDog? If she can't then you will have to accept she won't be able to come, and you should be gracious and understanding about it.

Oh4Tunas · 30/10/2021 11:47

I have dogs. I love my dogs. I would never expect my dogs to be invited to someone's home for Christmas. We visit family nearby, and the dogs stay home. They're fine! Maybe it's not their favourite day of the year, but we come home and they get a little extra attention. It works out very well.

The problem is overnight stays, but that's still not a reason her dog has to come over.

However, except for the issue of the cat, I think you're probably over-estimating how much damage a well-trained dog will do. MIL could clean and dry the dog's feet, toys can be put away (or out of the dog's reach), and the dog can be told to leave things alone (if it's trained).

musicviking1 · 30/10/2021 11:54

I can't have dogs in my house due to allergies/asthma. I don't make excuses I just say no to dogs and my family know this.

Chloemol · 30/10/2021 11:54

DH needs to have a chat. Ask his mum what she is going to do with the dog as he can’t come to yours as there are to many people, the kids will be excited and there is the cat to consider and the cat can’t be locked up

How far away is she could she pop back?

HauntedVag · 30/10/2021 11:54

@HazelandChacha

I have a nervous rescue cat. No dog sets foot in our house. DM has, once, stopped by and stayed on the patio with her dog, she wouldn’t dream of bringing the dog in to our cats home.

Get DH to tell her she is welcome for the celebration but the dog needs to stay at home.

Same. This is my cats home. No dogs come into this house, and we make it very clear. It's not negotiable.

MIL has a dog, and she either books him into a dog sitter, or just comes for a couple of hours and then goes home to him.

Lalliella · 30/10/2021 12:04

I have cats and there is no way I would ever allow a dog in my house (mainly because I hate them, but the cats are a good excuse). My friends with dogs know they can’t bring their dogs here, so if they come to stay they get them looked after. Get your DH to talk to MIL.

diddl · 30/10/2021 12:09

I also wouldn't expect to take my dog with me.

I also agree with the poster who put that about 4hrs is long enough to leave a dog for.

If it's too far for her to get back to, can she hire a dog walker?

Summer15coming · 30/10/2021 12:28

Would it be an option to put up a stair gate to keep him in the kitchen? Then your cat can choose not to go near him and you also keep him off the carpet and sofas.

CoolOven · 30/10/2021 12:30

I agree with other people who find it baffling that dog owners seem to think its ok to take their pets anywhere

In all my 60+ years I've never had someone bring their dog into my house. Nobody has ever even asked. An invitation for a day or evening meal obviously does not include a dog. Not in my world anyway.

Whereismumhiding3 · 30/10/2021 12:38

I like dogs but I wouldn't let someone bring their dog into my house, as I have resident cats. The dog leaves a smell behind even if it's a quick visit.

We had enormous problems after my aunt and uncle visited for one weekend bringing their goofy gentle dog with them (unexpectedly). My cats had so many issues afterwards - even though we kept them apart in separate rooms and dog outside mostly)

Despite my best efforts to de-dog lingering smell, the cats were unsettled for at least a couple weeks and they did some damage in the house (trying to reset its smell I guess)

My cats may become scarce with noisy human visitors, but not anywhere how skitterish they were after dog was in their home.

I remind everyone now that we can't have visiting dogs in our house m, no matter how cute.

thing47 · 30/10/2021 12:38

'Hi MIL looking forward to seeing you on Boxing Day (or whenever it is), have you thought what you are going to do with your dog?' Then if she says she was planning on bringing it, you can say 'Oh no, you can't do that I'm afraid, we have a cat remember.'

Have this conversation sooner rather than later so she can plan accordingly. Or rather, get DH to have this conversation with her.

No dogs allowed here. Though I love them, DH doesn't and we have 2 cats, one of which would probably run off for good if we had a dog in the house.

diddl · 30/10/2021 12:40

Imo it's not your problem to solve-it's MILs!

As long as you/her son let her know asap so that she can make arrangements.

If not she might have to forgo the get together-well, that's having a dog for you.

Whereismumhiding3 · 30/10/2021 12:41

I think PP suggesting you just keep dog apart from cat, off your sofa and that you check it has clean paws, don't realise the issue is impact of the smell of an dog, another intruder animal, on your cats in their home. Even a quick visit will leave behind a strong smell to cats.

GirlWithAGuitar · 30/10/2021 12:45

I think PP suggesting you just keep dog apart from cat, off your sofa and that you check it has clean paws, don't realise the issue is impact of the smell of an dog, another intruder animal, on your cats in their home. Even a quick visit will leave behind a strong smell to cats.

This. Cats are all about territory. It would be completely unfair on the cat to have the dog in the house.

SkiingIsHeaven · 30/10/2021 12:51

She can't leave a dog for that long. It's cruel. She will have to come up with some kind of plan.

Pumpkinsondisplay · 30/10/2021 13:02

Replied quickly earlier.. But.... Op what sort of relationship do you/your dc have with mil? A trusting one? Do they see ddog at her home without you? The relationship between ddog +dc is truly amazing ime. A few throws and a cloth for paws is all you really need... Nurturing the bond between ddog, mil and your dc is surely worth investing in a few bits of cloth? Ddog cojbe around for 15 years... Limiting mil's visits may add unnecessary stress to your life!

jamandmarmalade · 30/10/2021 13:13

The cat has spoken. It's a dealbreaker Grin

CoolOven · 30/10/2021 13:35

Even a quick visit will leave behind a strong smell to cats
This. It can affect their behaviour for weeks until they get it smelling 'right' again.

jamandmarmalade · 30/10/2021 13:37

The dog will be fine left at MIL home for a few hours during one day.

IME dogs like Radio4 left on (because it's calm talking not music).
Soft lighting and a cosy bed, something to chew, fresh water bowl.

MIL will not be away for the whole of Christmas just a few hours.

CoolOven · 30/10/2021 13:40

IME dogs like Radio4 left on (because it's calm talking not music).
Soft lighting and a cosy bed, something to chew, fresh water bowl
Better than a busy house full of busy people who keep tripping over it. Hellish.

LaetitiaASD · 30/10/2021 13:50

We need to start educating dog owners to ALWAYS check it's OK to bring a dog when meeting or visiting someone, and assume the answer's no without explicit consent.

jamandmarmalade · 30/10/2021 14:37

@CoolOven Exactly and it would be all the same if the owner had to wait 4 hours in Casualty or, go Christmas shopping.

Its just a few hours. Not the whole of Christmas.

Who knows, maybe the dog could do with the break Grin

LaetitiaASD · 30/10/2021 15:04

@TheGirlCat

^No decent dog owner leaves their dog for more than about 4hrs

Seriously? So no dog owner actually works and has a job to go to? Even 9-5? A dog can be left all day and should be if there is a back yard and it has a dog kennel. If what you're saying is true, no working family would own a dog. People seem to baby dogs far too much these days. Where I am dogs live outside (usually fenced properties here) and have their water bowls and food bowls and yard/garden to run around in/do it's business. I don't know why the UK seems to be so different from every other country that they can't leave a dog animal for more than 4 hours.^

I think that it's a perfectly valid position to hold that no-one should have a dog unless at least one person works from home or doesn't work at all.

Me and DP didn't get a cat for years because we both worked FT. I currently WFH and the cat is pissed off that she's been left 30 mins whilst I do the school run... I don't think it would be fair on this (maybe unusual) particular cat to leave it alone all day every day, let alone a dog.

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