MIL and Dog

[LadyGAgain]

Firstly have to say that I have a very lovely MIL. We have a great relationship and I don't ever want to upset her.

Before covid she got a puppy. She's worked very hard to train him. He is a big dog (similar to a large labradoodle). He is very lovely natured. Loves the kids. Soppy.

We work hard and have worked hard to have a nice home. New sofas were delivered recently. The children have their toys of course to play with. We have a cat. This is (IMO) important.

Now my AIBU and to ask for advice. Christmas is approaching. On one of the celebratory days we will host the wider family here and I don't want her to bring the dog. My reasons for this are 3 fold. 1. We have a cat and she has never been around a dog.

1. He jumps on sofas and will need to go out for the toilet and I don't want muddy dog on our floors/sofa.
2. He still picks up things in his mouth and I don't want kids toys and our shoes in his mouth.

AIBU? How do I get over this and if I can't get over it, how can I gently explain this to MIL as I don't want to upset her. This dog is her life. Please help me. Thank you.

@Subbaxeo

We just put the cat in the bedroom when my dsd visits with her dog-we just say he’s not allowed on furniture. Yes, he is boisterous but he’s just kept on a firm lead until he settles down. Having good relationships with family does involve compromise and it’s easier for her to bring him rather than stressing about getting back in time. I don’t understand these people saying it’s your house so you get to say who comes-yes it is but surely you want those who you love to feel good rather than acting like a little Hitler. I could understand if say, your children are scared of dogs or allergic but that doesn’t sound the case-they might be delighted to see Granny’s dog on a special day.

So your DSD doesn't do the right thing and leave her dog at home so your cat has to pay the price. Strange how your DSD doesn't care about 'compromise' by visiting you without the dog. It's all one way. Your DSD is the one acting like the 'little Hitler' here, and you roll over and your cat has to suffer for it. Charming.

It’s one day. Not worth the upset that it would cause.

Exactly. So the dog should stay at home and not cause upset to the op.

Dog owners seem to expect that their pets have to go everywhere. There were two greyhounds queuing with their owners to go into Durham Cathedral yesterday. Madness.

OP have you asked MIL yet? Because as I wouldn't assume any invite for me included the dog unless specifically told by the host , and one only 10 min drive away id assume id leave her at home, mil might already be planning this. You might have to fit timings round her being out for a bit to walk the dog, or staying less overall, but otherwise, not likely she'd assume her dog was part of the invite.

Point 2 and 3,you are very unreasonable.point 1 however is a concern.Is there a way you could bring him with this suggestion.you all take the dog for a lovely walk and enjoy it.when you get back is there a way you could put him savely in a separate room with comfy dogbed,lickmat and other dog entertainment toys.He will be tired and settle and you can enjoy mudfree furniture etc.

@LaetitiaASD.It is totally unacceptable to leave a dog all day alone.the selfishness of humans is staggering.I would report you to the RSPCA.Absolutely disgusting.if you dont have time to care adequately for a dog,dont ffs get a dog!

[quote Andwander]@LaetitiaASD.It is totally unacceptable to leave a dog all day alone.the selfishness of humans is staggering.I would report you to the RSPCA.Absolutely disgusting.if you dont have time to care adequately for a dog,dont ffs get a dog![/quote]
Wow, your attitude is scary! Taking your attitude, NO ONE who owns a dog would work full time. It its totally acceptable and normal to leave a dog all day alone. That, is normal. You are very strange. Very strange indeed.

Point 2 and 3,you are very unreasonable.

Point 2 and 3 are perfectly reasonable - it’s the OP’s house and she can have or not have whatever she wants to have in her home. A visitor’s dog (even if the visitor is MIL) doesn’t have a right to be in the OP’s house.

Does the dog sleep in a crate?
Could you insist the dog can only come if it stays in crate/garden/car and not the main house, otherwise your cat will freak out and start urinating everywhere (as stressed cats often do). Maybe those who want to could take it out for a big family walk after lunch?

Ten minutes?! No problem! A quick dash back to give the dog a loo trip (and oneself!) is fine.

I told some relatives I was unable to visit once because of my dog and they accommodated him in the utility room. As a pp said, a long walk and a comfy nook and a normal dog will settle down in peace. Big dogs are (after they are mad puppies) generally very well behaved (probably because they tire out more easily!).

Even if the dog has been in the house it would still be different if there are a few others about & everyone is busy & ignoring the dog.

Or it's closed in somewhere & someone lets it out!

But very few people who work full time outside the home do have dogs without paying for dog day care or a dog walker to visit and take the dog out during the working day. Few breeders and no animal shelters will let you have a dog unless someone is in house for most of the day, and those who will sell to someone who works ft do question carefully about dog day care/dog walkers plans.

Leaving a dog all day is known to be cruel. They arent cats. This isn't a "fur baby" issue - in the 80s and 90s when I grew up, it was clear you only had a dog if someone was in the house for most of the day or so many grandparents came in to walk dogs of 2 working households.

If you know people who work full time out of the home and don't have someone come in to walk the dog /drop the dog with daycare, then they are very unusual and cruel. Its not ok.

Last message was supposed to be quoting @thecatgirl. Not sure why it didn't.

It its totally acceptable and normal to leave a dog all day alone. That, is normal. You are very strange. Very strange indeed.

Of course it’s not acceptable to leave a dog alone all day. 🙄

@MargosKaftan

But very few people who work full time outside the home do have dogs without paying for dog day care or a dog walker to visit and take the dog out during the working day. Few breeders and no animal shelters will let you have a dog unless someone is in house for most of the day, and those who will sell to someone who works ft do question carefully about dog day care/dog walkers plans.

Leaving a dog all day is known to be cruel. They arent cats. This isn't a "fur baby" issue - in the 80s and 90s when I grew up, it was clear you only had a dog if someone was in the house for most of the day or so many grandparents came in to walk dogs of 2 working households.

If you know people who work full time out of the home and don't have someone come in to walk the dog /drop the dog with daycare, then they are very unusual and cruel. Its not ok.

I have never in my life heard of anyone needing to have a dog day care or dog walker to take the dog out. Maybe this is a modern helicopter 'fur parenting' in the UK, but not where I live. Where I am most families have a dog, even single people working full time and the dog often is a guard dog. The dogs live in the backyard where they lie in the sun, have their food bowls, have a kennel with their name on it that they go to sleep in, etc. Leaving a dog all day is not cruel, it is basic common practice and normal common sense. Having to come home to walk a dog in it's back yard is normal and is batshit crazy. This thread is just absolutely batshit crazy. It wouldn't surprise me if next someone pops up and says you can't own a bird or goldfish unless you come back during the day to say hello to it. And I am only half joking there. It truly wouldn't surprise me. This thread with people saying you can't leave a dog during your work day is beyond batshit crazy I don't think there is even an actual word to describe it.

@GirlWithAGuitar

It its totally acceptable and normal to leave a dog all day alone. That, is normal. You are very strange. Very strange indeed.

Of course it’s not acceptable to leave a dog alone all day. 🙄

Of course it is acceptable and normal to leave a dog in it's own home alone all day.

Why would it be acceptable to leave a dog all day?

Why not maybe make it a fun thing and all go together on a Christmassy dog walk halfway through the day? Could be really fun!

Otherwise, I think it's totally reasonable for MIL to pop home to see doggo. But if you all go together (or some of you go), it includes doggo in the day, without traumatising your kitty. So that would be nicer for MIL and still keep your house mud/slobber/destruction free. :)

Of course it is acceptable and normal to leave a dog in it's own home alone all day.

I'm glad I don't live in your world.

Meanwhile, in reality, people hire dog walkers, pay for daycare or get family to help so their dogs aren't stuck on their own for the majority of their lives

Maybe if you live where the “dogs home alone all day” poster lives it is acceptable as the weather is ok. Where I am now it is lashing it down and mega windy. Imagine being at work and a poor dog shivering outside in this!

I think four hours is the standard max to leave a dog. On a couple of occasions dog was left longer than this. Once ds locked himself out and spent all day sitting by the French windows to keep dog company whilst dog inside stared out in confusion and another time involved a hospital trip - but both times poor dog was spinning on a toenail so desperate he was for the loo.

Once ds locked himself out and spent all day sitting by the French windows to keep dog company whilst dog inside stared out in confusion

😂 that’s so funny.

Could she keep the dog on a lead all day? Better that, than leaving him at home.

This has been an issue for me for over 10 years with MIL and her 3 dogs
I think it was my first ever thread on Mumsnet (many name changes ago)

You need to sort the ground rules now is my point in saying this as this will be an ongoing issue and it's hard to rein back from usual practice.

My MIL I'm afraid was in some ways a poor dog owner. She is very devoted to her dogs and they get all the walks and food etc but no formal training sadly and she has a tendency to feel they can do no wrong. They whine, jump up, pull and sleep on beds and sofas as that's what she allows them to do.

I allowed them to stay at my house against my better judgement for the sake of our relationship and there have been many times I regretted that. They were supposed to stay in the kitchen, not go upstairs, not go on the furniture and not be alone with small DC and she violated those all on about day 1.

Meanwhile my BIL said no dogs in his house from day 1 which she was very cross about. He was cruel and ruining Christmas etc etc but he stood firm on it (he hates dogs). He allows them in the utility room behind a stair gate. She still goes to theirs as much as to ours and his rules are respected where mine are not. I have often over the years wished I had the balls to put in boundaries that I was actually comfortable with.

No way would I have a dog in my house. I have a rescue cat who, from reading between the lines of what I was told when we got her, had issues with peeing on things in her previous multi-animal home. She does not like other animals but is a real sweetie with people. In the years that I’ve had her she’s never once peed anywhere but the litter tray, so there’s no way I’d risk bringing in a dog and triggering a habit that would leave me having to scrub cat pee out of carpets and furniture for the rest of her life. Cats can be sensitive little fuckers. I love dogs, but I couldn’t have one in my home while I have this cat.

I’d understand that would mean that a dog owner would not be able to spend the whole day here if invited for Christmas though. I’d probably do what others have suggested and try to incorporate a dog friendly walk or outing to the park into the day. If the kids get some outdoorsy gifts (roller skates, new bike, skateboard etc) that they will want to try out then this works really well.

Mil can take the dog on a good walk before coming to yours and the dog can chill/sleep at home while mil is out. She could leave the radio on for company and set up a camera to check in on them if she's that worried.
It would be rude of her to expect to bring the dog, main reason being your cat!.