To think there's a stigma over having a third child?

[Beachloveramy]

Please tell me I'm not alone.

I already have a 14 year old I had quite young and a three year old (with my husband) and I'm 3 months pregnant with our third child.

As I've slowly told people about the pregnancy I've received a lot of comments such as "you're pregnant again?!"

Now, I don't exactly feel as if I've been popping them out, there are fairly big age gaps between my children. Myself and my husband do also both work full time and support our own family but for some reason I can't be completely excited about this baby as there seems to be a stigma associated.

I'm I being paranoid or are woman judged for having more than two children?

I think the norm seems to be two children so if you have none, one or more than two you’re likely to have experienced someone saying something judgemental at some point. Ignore it. Congratulations!

You have as many children as you want and can afford .just ignore stupid people why do folk think they have a right to comment on other folks family planning .congratulations by the way

I don’t think it’s stigma over a 3rd child, more like shock that you’re going back to the beginning with a 14 and. 3 year old.

Most assume you’re done once the youngest reach a certain age so that’s probably why they’re saying what they are.

FWIW I’m have a last ditch hormone rush for a third and my boys are 10&7! If I went back to the beginning I expect people would ask me why. I’ve always wanted 3 and I’m sure I’d have the same reaction!

Have 10 year old, 7 year old and 3 month old. When recently pregnant I was surprised that lots of people jokingly (ish) commiserated instead of congratulated me. To be fair that was people with 3 children themselves. I was surprised at the amount of people who either assumed it was unplanned or asked me aghast if we'd planned it.

It's worse if you have one of each. Then people are really confused.
'But you've got a boy and a girl..why do you need more?'

I wonder of it's the age gap?

It could be the age gap- but then I have small gaps between my 3 and people were equally surprised when I announced my third pregnancy- I think people understand wanting a second but then probably assume most people stop there. I l always wanted 3, so it doesn’t feel strange to me if someone announces a third pregnancy- but equally I’ve had a friend announce a fourth pregnancy and my first thought was ‘wow! 4!!’- though I didn’t say that, but realise my reaction is the same thing- it’s just out of my frame of reference for what I’d want myself and seems unusual. I don’t think most people care though, after that initial surprise, so don’t let it make you feel bad, it’s not your problem!

Yes, there is definitely a stigma with more than 2. Partly from having more children than replacing yourselves.

YANBU I’m pregnant with third and amazed by how many people think it’s ok to be like “whaaaaaat?” Or ask it it was planned which is so fucking rude

Three children is harder than two. Not many cars will hold three child seats unless you buy a people mover. Most holidays are set up for two adults and two children. It can be hard to give all your children individual time. If you and your husband each have a favorite, it can be hard when the third child feels left out. If you have three close together, childcare costs can make it economically difficult for both parents to work. I see more disadvantages than advantages, but am a third child much younger than the other two.

Round here (posh bit of SE) 3 are the norm. Definitely no stigma and seen as something desirable.

I’d agree it was 100% the age gap thing too.

I’d also say that having more children is becoming a sign you don’t care about the environment. Adding another consumer to a struggling world.

@DriftingBlue

Yes, there is definitely a stigma with more than 2. Partly from having more children than replacing yourselves.

Yes this. People are a lot more aware of overpopulation and climate change now.

I think there are lots of reasons for surprise / incredulity, such as not being able to get their head round being able to cope with 3 or struggling to understand why you’d want to go back to the baby stage again. Then there are impacts, eg the environmental aspect, using up of resources eg the NHS.

I know several people with 3 kids and setting aside the fact it grows the population at a time when the environment is struggling, all have said it is exponentially more difficult than 2.

I think it's an environmental thing. Having an extra third kid is the absolute worst thing you can do environmentally.

I'm not having a third for that reason, in the main.

It’s no one else’s business. I have a whopping 15 years between first and last born children (which were twins) and now they are also older no one really cares, but at the time, my god, you’d have thought that I’d committed a crime with some peoples reactions! Stay in your lane you twats!

I think it’s probably surprise when people assumed you were ‘done’ with more babies being out of the baby stage.

Although I must admit that I do raise an eyebrow at a mum from school who has 3 and who is a passionate advocate for environmental action (as in gets very judgy about anyone who isn’t vegan or who doesn’t buy all their food from the top-up van). But who has also chosen to have three children, a car big enough to fit them all in and multiple foreign holidays a year. It’s the selective action to protect the environment that is Facebook -friendly, i.e. lots of pictures of her with eco-friendly shopping…but with her massive car and three kids in the background that make me

Three is very common I think it’s more because you have a 14 year old and a three year old and going back to baby stage.

In the UK with the declining birth rate I don't personally think having 3 is that big a deal as many aren't having any.

Three is pretty common, so I don’t think there is a stigma. If you talk a lot about the environment or having financial difficulties, people will probably wonder why you are having a third child.

Yep, yep, yep, I heard all this crap when I shared my third pregnancy with people. I have DD1 10, DS 7 and DD2 18 months. It was like a crime to want another baby because I already had one of each, because my career was going well at the time, and because everyone had wrongly assumed we were already done. Can't count the number of people who asked me flat out if it was planned. And if the baby was "ok" as I was 40.

One woman at work asked me on three separate occasions if the pregnancy was an accident... and I had given her chapter and verse when she asked the second time about how we had agreed to have another when my son's health problems turned his baby days into a stress fest. When she asked the third time I was genuinely speechless. Unbelievable.

Personally I think the whole environmental and overpopulation argument this day is just a fashionable way of people making themselves feel superior to others. Birth rates and population levels are actually declining in the "West" below that which is required to maintain national finances in some circumstances

I have 3 but 2 of them are twins. I'd like a 4th - part of me thinks I'll most likely get judged for that. Especially after having twins. But I'm the main earner - higher rate tax payer - we can afford 4. End of the day they ll be taxpayers of the future paying towards our pensions one day

I think other women tend to judge each other when there is a bigger age gap more than the actual number. And a lot of times the "judging" is actually born out of envy that they wish they could have had more?

I actually find it totally the opposite - my 2nd DC is now 1 and I’m constantly asked when we’re having no3!!

@tiggerwhocamefortea

Personally I think the whole environmental and overpopulation argument this day is just a fashionable way of people making themselves feel superior to others. Birth rates and population levels are actually declining in the "West" below that which is required to maintain national finances in some circumstances

I have 3 but 2 of them are twins. I'd like a 4th - part of me thinks I'll most likely get judged for that. Especially after having twins. But I'm the main earner - higher rate tax payer - we can afford 4. End of the day they ll be taxpayers of the future paying towards our pensions one day

I think other women tend to judge each other when there is a bigger age gap more than the actual number. And a lot of times the "judging" is actually born out of envy that they wish they could have had more?

I think this analysis is spot on.

Ignore any rudeness OP and enjoy your family.

We have 2 and unlikely to have any more forna few reasons - finances, disliking the baby stage and sleep deprivation, and the fact that I've had two awful pregnancies (HG and PGP) and two awful births (both ventouse with episiotomies and both times have had some stitches break down leading to protracted recoveries, and a PPH with my second). This makes me sad tbh because I can see a situation where I might really want another but can't reasonably put my body through all that again and/or can't afford more without significantly reducing quality of life for the existing kids. I am one of 3 myself.

When I told my sibling about my pregnancy with my third, they responded "what? Is this a joke? Are you stupid?".

A couple of friends (well, school parent friends) pointed out we already have a boy and a girl so why do we need another!!

People are rude, opinionated, and weird.

I love having three. The older two adore the youngest and the family dynamic is lovely. We manage to have 1:1 time with each of them, even if it's just 30 minutes a day. Often when we try to take one child out for a day of 1:1 they request their siblings go too.

I am expecting dc3 and pretty much everyone we told was really shocked... Even my parents who had 3 kids themselves... Maybe it's because me and my dh work full time. I'm not sure. My eldest just turned 4, also got a 1.5yr old. A few have asked "I assume it wasn't planned?". Bit rude if you ask me...!