To think there's a stigma over having a third child?

[Beachloveramy]

Please tell me I'm not alone.

I already have a 14 year old I had quite young and a three year old (with my husband) and I'm 3 months pregnant with our third child.

As I've slowly told people about the pregnancy I've received a lot of comments such as "you're pregnant again?!"

Now, I don't exactly feel as if I've been popping them out, there are fairly big age gaps between my children. Myself and my husband do also both work full time and support our own family but for some reason I can't be completely excited about this baby as there seems to be a stigma associated.

I'm I being paranoid or are woman judged for having more than two children?

Looking back I would have loved to have a 3rd child, I wish I had. I didn't because of work, money, time pressures, and being busy with two young ones.

So I'm jealous of you :(

@Botanica that’s rather different from my experience. My DD is at private school and I can only think of a couple of children there who are an only. Lots of groups of 3 and 4 children.
2 of my DDs friends are sibsets of 4 and their parents are a mixture of doctors, lawyers and business owners.

@eurochick
Call it environmental sanctimony if you want but it is true that having (any) children is the worst thing you can do environmentally. Many people feel that replacing themselves is justifiable but adding to the global tally of overpopulation is not.

It’s about balance. Everyone suddenly having zero kids is not a sensible short term strategy for the human race. You’re creating further disasters for people in your country by trying to avert one. China is in some fairly deep shit thanks to its one child policy, which has now very rapidly become a three child policy. It’s about finding a balance.

@carpetbugs

If, one day, I need state support, then I will not feel any guilt taking from the pot that I have happily paid into for years.

Of course you shouldn't feel any guilt but our economic model means we pay forward. So my NI & tax isn't being kept for me when I need it but being used to pay current pensions etc.
Look at the NHS now & social care, the job shortages across different sectors. what on earth will it look like in 20 years time?

I fully expecting that it won’t exist. However, not having any children means DH and I only have to worry about our ageing selves and making the most of what we have at the time.

I really am worried about what the future will look like for any children born today.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I can’t fathom how having extra children will help anybody.

@mantlemoose
The climate crisis will be solved by macro government policy and (hopefully) scientific innovation. Everyone suddenly becoming monks/nuns and giving up two weeks of sun a year is just not going to happen.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I can’t fathom how having extra children will help anybody.

What do you mean by extra? What's the starting point?

as @supermoonrising it's about balance

3 is pretty much the norm I would say. I know as many families with 3 as I do with 2. Infact I would say that the majority of my kids friends are one of 3. I think it’s the age gap rather than the 3rd.

I've got four kids and never experienced this other than from a particular family member.

Most people I know have three or four children so maybe it's the norm
here.

There's always SOMEONE with an opinion when it comes to this.

One child? Not enough, he/she will be lonely/spoilt/friendless/bratty!

Have 3? Too many! Think about the planet, what about middle child syndrome, if you end up jobless the taxpayer will be supporting your kids.

Have 2 boys? SURELY you must be wanting to try for a girl now?

Ignore any haterz @Beachloveramy have a third child, and good luck!

I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount people I know with more than 3 children. It's quite rare now IMO, so if someone DOES want 3, 4, 5, or more kids then good luck to them.

Hardly anyone has a big family now, so a few here and there having 3 or more kids isn't going to make much difference to the planet! I know WAY more people with 2, 1 or NO children, than I do with 3 or more...

I think people had more pre-1980s. I knew loads of families with 4 or more kids then, but very VERY few now.

I am certainly not aware of any 'stigma' though @Beachloveramy

I had my third child 10 years ago. No stigma at all to having 3 children. Though some (not many) adverse comments about my age when I had him; I was 44 nearly 45.

@Pleatherandlace

Ignore the environmental argument nonsense. Birth rate in the uk is 1.6 replacement level is 2.1. So we’re way below that. Also carbon consumption is wealth dependent not population size dependent. Also for all those people handwringing about the “state of the world” you are bringing children into never before have we had higher rates of literacy, vaccinations, life expectancy, wealth etc etc and Lower levels of violence, increased opportunities for women . There has literally never been a better time to be born than now.

And this is exactly why the planet is in the state it’s in: the wilfully ignorant who use phrases like “environmental argument nonsense”.

3 seems more common than 2 these days.

@PippyLongmocking

It's worse if you have one of each. Then people are really confused. 'But you've got a boy and a girl..why do you need more?'

We got this loads after we had a boy then a girl. It was like you've got the complete set why do you want more? Then we had another boy and another girl and when people said anything along these lines my response was we wanted spares. The worst was when I announced my 4th pregnancy. So so many people asked me outright if she was an accident! She wasn't!

@Jmaho How nasty! Asking if your child was an accident! Vile.

I find the child free sanctimony totally and utterly ridiculous. As if anyone with a burning desire to have children and with the means and situation to do so, denies themselves children solely because of the environment. People are without children because they either dont want or can't have children. The environment gets brought out as a reason after the fact.

OP, congratulations. Just ignore those being rude and enjoy your lovely family

@carpetbugs

Maybe I’m wrong, but I can’t fathom how having extra children will help anybody.

What do you mean by extra? What's the starting point?

as @supermoonrising it's about balance

I suppose I said ‘extra’ because we were talking about it whether or not it makes sense for OP to have a third to counteract the ones that child free people weren’t having.

OP has the right in this country to have as many children as she likes and the system will support her for as long as it exists to do so. The planet might, or might not. It will be up to those children that navigate that future.

My cousin has 6 children. (All 33 and older now, as they were born 1978 to 1988,) and she got some TERRIBLE remarks with the 5th AND the 6th. Even back then, in the late 1980s...

'FFS, how many more do you need?' 'must be an accident, you can't have planned it' 'you do know the world's overpopulated don't you?' and some dreadful comments about how she must look 'down there' now. Such ignorance!

And even her dad (my uncle) refused to acknowledge the last 2, because my cousin got divorced from the father of her first 4, and had another 2 kids with a man she wasn't married to. So my uncle (mother's sister's husband - not a blood relative to me,) never acknowledged the 2 youngest children.

Right up his death in 1995 when the 2 youngest were around 7 or 8, he had still not acknowledged them, and he used to leave the house on the rare occasion my cousin took the around. My auntie made a fuss of them, and she used to buy all the cards and gifts for their birthdays and Christmas, and put his name on the stuff, but nothing was from him... They never knew why, and always thought he was just a bit grumpy. My cousin, over 30 years later is still with the father of the 2 youngest, and they got married 10 years ago,

I don't know why people have to be so nasty. It's always aimed at the women of multiple children though, never the men. They seem to get celebrated somehow!

I find this a weird thing actually. Firstly it's none of anyone's business but in my old area which is a poor part of the SE it was questionable more from a point of view of why would you burden yourself with a third dc.

In the new area we live in which is one of the wealthiest parts of the U.K. everyone seems to have 3+ dc and not uncommon for dc at my dc school to have 3/4+ siblings. So maybe it's a financially driven opinion I don't know.

[quote RussianSpy101]**@LakieLady* @ThirdElephant* I’d be a hypocrite if I had stopped at 1 for that reason.
We’re a meat eating family of 5, with 2 diesel 4x4s and take at least 2/3 foreign holidays a year.
If people want to judge me they’re welcome to. Won’t affect my life.[/quote]
The hypocrite argument is so lazy and boring. Do you recycle?

@Pumperthepumper what argument? I had 3 children because I wanted 3. I might have another, haven’t decided yet.
Sometimes, when I can be bothered.

It’s more likely the age gap. The parents on the school run if they have one or two seem to get talked about once the age gap hits a certain point.

It’s more a they are crazy to be going back to nappies and sleepless nights, questions about it must be for a new partner as why else would there be a 7year plus year gap all that stuff. Nothing to do with it being a 3/4/5/6 baby.

In my area most families seem to have 3 or 4 children so there's no stigma here, I guess it depends where you live.

I would congratulate you, but be thinking you were mad for having a teenager, toddler and newborn at the same time. That sounds incredibly hard to me!