Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's a stigma over having a third child?

282 replies

Beachloveramy · 30/10/2021 03:20

Please tell me I'm not alone.

I already have a 14 year old I had quite young and a three year old (with my husband) and I'm 3 months pregnant with our third child.

As I've slowly told people about the pregnancy I've received a lot of comments such as "you're pregnant again?!"

Now, I don't exactly feel as if I've been popping them out, there are fairly big age gaps between my children. Myself and my husband do also both work full time and support our own family but for some reason I can't be completely excited about this baby as there seems to be a stigma associated.

I'm I being paranoid or are woman judged for having more than two children?

OP posts:
LakieLady · 30/10/2021 08:23

@ThirdElephant

I think it's an environmental thing. Having an extra third kid is the absolute worst thing you can do environmentally.

I'm not having a third for that reason, in the main.

I agree that part of the stigma is the result of increasing environmental awareness.

I'm judgy about people having more than 2 for that very reason and most of the younger people I know are even more judgy about it. My DSS and DIL are stopping at one, for environmental reasons, and are scathing about people who have 3 or more.

NamiSwan · 30/10/2021 08:25

I have three and often get a raised eyebrow when I mention it and got a lot of comments when I was pregnant. Since they are all girls i also got a lot of assuming I had a third because I wanted a boy 😡 which was very much not the case, and people would also just point blank say "you must be disappointed" when I told them I was having another girl, which I very much was not!

So long story cut short, in my experience people don't seem to be able to cope with the notion that someone might want more than 2 children, and think if you do that either it was an accident or due to gender disappointment!

LuliaMariella · 30/10/2021 08:31

Actually, the problem at present is not overpopulation but a baby bust, which is going to create massive problems as there won't be enough people to fund the care of the older generation and public services in general. Just look at Italy.

Immaculatemisconception · 30/10/2021 08:32

I have three and no one has ever said anything.

Pumperthepumper · 30/10/2021 08:35

I just don’t think this is something anyone can win - you must have/want a baby, three is too many, one isn’t enough, two is fine so long as there isn’t a big age gap or a small age gap, you can’t work because they’ll be neglected, you can’t be a SAHM because you’ll be lazy. There’s always a way to criticise.

Mantlemoose · 30/10/2021 08:37

I think anyone who pretends to care about the environment it selfish to have more than one child. Me I don't care but I hate the double standards.

QueenOfDuisburg · 30/10/2021 08:37

I have three and nobody's ever commented or made me feel judged. I have never found it harder than when we had two either, our third just fit right in with the others.

I sometimes take our friend's son out with us to the park and have received the odd 'you've got your hands full' comments when people think I've got four.

LuliaMariella · 30/10/2021 08:38

This is not only sad and unkind, it's also misguided. When people don't have enough children to keep the population at least stable, it creates massive economic and health problems. To name just a few...

A rise in the dependency ratio increasing the economic pressure on the workforce

A crisis in end of life care for the elderly because there won't be enough caregivers for them

Difficulties in funding pensions because there are fewer workers relative to retirees

A decline in innovation

Strains on mental health caused by permanent recession

Deflation caused by an ageing population

You enjoy your growing family, OP!

RussianSpy101 · 30/10/2021 08:39

@LakieLady @ThirdElephant I’d be a hypocrite if I had stopped at 1 for that reason.
We’re a meat eating family of 5, with 2 diesel 4x4s and take at least 2/3 foreign holidays a year.
If people want to judge me they’re welcome to. Won’t affect my life.

LakieLady · 30/10/2021 08:39

@Pleatherandlace

Ignore the environmental argument nonsense. Birth rate in the uk is 1.6 replacement level is 2.1. So we’re way below that. Also carbon consumption is wealth dependent not population size dependent. Also for all those people handwringing about the “state of the world” you are bringing children into never before have we had higher rates of literacy, vaccinations, life expectancy, wealth etc etc and Lower levels of violence, increased opportunities for women . There has literally never been a better time to be born than now.
That's a very Eurocentric view.

Globally, we're already seeing forced migration due to climate change, primarily caused by flooding and desertification, but wildfires are also a factor.

If our birthrate is too low to meet the needs of western societies, we can overcome that by allowing increased migration from regions that are becoming uninhabitable due to extreme weather events.

Ashleys63 · 30/10/2021 08:39

Can't remember any negative reactions when I announced my 3rd pregnancy, my 4th however was a very different story. My mother just rolled her eyes.

RussianSpy101 · 30/10/2021 08:41

@LakieLady yes, bring more migrants into what is a country already struggling to meet the needs of its poorest citizens. That’s exactly what we need 🙄

Maray1967 · 30/10/2021 08:45

Two is normal for me - both me & DH are one of two so it never really occurred to us to think about three.

I do believe we shouldn’t have more children than just replacing ourselves on environmental grounds but I would never say that to someone in real life - we have friends and family with three.
But I certainly would point it out if any of them preached about environmental issues. A friend of mine called someone out at her NCT group who had a go at others for using disposable nappies while she drove her three DC around in a big car. Apparently she was quite shocked to be told that bringing another western consumer into the world will be more environmentally damaging than using disposable nappies.

Chunkymenrock · 30/10/2021 08:46

@LuliaMariella

This is not only sad and unkind, it's also misguided. When people don't have enough children to keep the population at least stable, it creates massive economic and health problems. To name just a few...

A rise in the dependency ratio increasing the economic pressure on the workforce

A crisis in end of life care for the elderly because there won't be enough caregivers for them

Difficulties in funding pensions because there are fewer workers relative to retirees

A decline in innovation

Strains on mental health caused by permanent recession

Deflation caused by an ageing population

You enjoy your growing family, OP!

But we cannot keep the population rising exponentially. It has to stop and reduce at some point to prevent environmental disaster. The numbers of caregivers and pension concerns won't matter a jot when we're underwater and we can't grow food. The environment is very much the point and your point is meaningless I the face of the environmental catastrophe we're in.

ApplePippa · 30/10/2021 08:48

@Pumperthepumper

I just don’t think this is something anyone can win - you must have/want a baby, three is too many, one isn’t enough, two is fine so long as there isn’t a big age gap or a small age gap, you can’t work because they’ll be neglected, you can’t be a SAHM because you’ll be lazy. There’s always a way to criticise.
Ha ha, yes this!

And you must have them between the ages of 30 and 35, otherwise you're too young/old.

carpetbugs · 30/10/2021 08:48

If our birthrate is too low to meet the needs of western societies, we can overcome that by allowing increased migration from regions that are becoming uninhabitable due to extreme weather events.

The issue going forward is we will be competing with other countries for migrants and need to be attractive to them.

Botanica · 30/10/2021 08:54

In my circles it's seen as incredibly selfish and entitled (and to some degree ill informed/educated) to have a third child, showing no regard for the future state of the planet. People feel very strongly about this, probably more so than ever before.

In addition if you are reliant on benefits and still choose to add to the planet's issues with a third child then that's compounded even more.

Not stating this as my personal opinions but a very strong ground swell of sentiment that I see growing.

LuliaMariella · 30/10/2021 08:54

"another Western consumer".. What a horrible way to view a human being

Frazzled2207 · 30/10/2021 08:57

@ThirdElephant

I think it's an environmental thing. Having an extra third kid is the absolute worst thing you can do environmentally.

I'm not having a third for that reason, in the main.

Whilst I agree with you, I don’t think that’s a widely held view where I am.
kitcat15 · 30/10/2021 08:57

I don't think there's any stigma in having 3 .....certainly not in NW where I live....I think it will be the large age gap people are commenting on

Goatinthegarden · 30/10/2021 08:57

@tiggerwhocamefortea

Ah the environmentally sanctimonious who base being childfree decisions around environmental concerns - they ought to ponder who exactly it will be paying for their pensions one day 🤔
Ah this old nonsense. Our welfare system is set up so that those that can pay in do, and it pays out to support those that need it. It doesn’t always work well, but that’s the idea.

I’m childfree and paying taxes and NI into a pot that I (currently) never take from. The pot pays for maternity care and leave, schools, social work, NHS, etc. all of which the vast majority of children and their families use. I myself am a teacher and I (happily and freely) buy all sorts of resources out of my own pocket to enhance the education of other people’s children.

DH and I have plenty of disposable income, instead of ring fencing it for our non-existent children’s futures, we will have paid off our mortgage before I turn 40 and we are putting plenty into savings and pensions for ourselves. We are fit and healthy (we have lots of time to ourselves to sleep and exercise and look after our mental health). If we are fortunate, we should continue in this way for a few more decades.

Each time you give birth to a child, you have no idea whether they will become an adult who is able to contribute to the big pot that will pay for childless old people’s pensions. Many children born today will require life long support and funding for a number of different reasons. That’s totally fine by me, that’s what the system is there for.

If, one day, I need state support, then I will not feel any guilt taking from the pot that I have happily paid into for years.

carpetbugs · 30/10/2021 08:58

But we cannot keep the population rising exponentially. It has to stop and reduce at some point to prevent environmental disaster.

The global population is expected to start falling in about 30 years & thats a good thing environmentally plus lots of it has been as a result of increased life expectancy.
Economically such a drastic, sharp fall in some countries is going to have huge consequences. 23 countries including Spain, Italy & Japan are expected to see their population halve in the next 80 yrs & the populations left there will be older. Countries like Nigeria will be booming & will become a lot more powerful.

carpetbugs · 30/10/2021 09:02

If, one day, I need state support, then I will not feel any guilt taking from the pot that I have happily paid into for years.

Of course you shouldn't feel any guilt but our economic model means we pay forward. So my NI & tax isn't being kept for me when I need it but being used to pay current pensions etc.
Look at the NHS now & social care, the job shortages across different sectors. what on earth will it look like in 20 years time?

Rosebel · 30/10/2021 09:12

I have 3 and no one has said anything at least not to my face. 13 years between my middle and youngest child and people always assume he has a different dad to my older two. That annoys me. Same dad just total surprise (thought he was food poisoning).
Although I've not experienced it I'd just ignore negative comments. It's nothing to do with others how many kids you have.

carpetbugs · 30/10/2021 09:13

The numbers of caregivers and pension concerns won't matter a jot when we're underwater and we can't grow food

Some parts of the UK could be underwater in 10 years. Spiralling costs & increased taxes have started to hit & are going to hit harder next year. Not forgetting we were in decline for about 10 years after 08 & had only just started to recover. We are for some tough economic times over the next few years as a minimum imo