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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Childcare from grandparents

234 replies

Busymum21 · 29/10/2021 12:16

Could I ask if I'm being unreasonable.
I'm a single mum edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info As I work full time my parents help out with childcare over the holidays where my son has to stay with them for the entire week then home to me at the weekend due to the distance they live from us.
I've recently started seeing someone for the last few months but as we both have kids it's difficult to find the time to spend quality time together. Whilst my son was at my parents during school holidays my boyfriend and I both took a day off work to spend some time together. My parents are not happy I took time off work to spend with my boyfriend when they were looking after my son as they are of the view if I was able to take time off work I should have been looking after my son that day instead (I'd like to add I do also use the majority of my annual leave to spend time with my son during holidays but only get 28 days a year).
Am I being unreasonable in taking that time off for myself to spend some rare time with my boyfriend whilst they have my son?

OP posts:
AmDillDandin · 29/10/2021 12:18

Yes, if they're not 100% on board with it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/10/2021 12:20

Monday to Friday including overnights every single week of the school holidays (baring your 28 days annual leave) is a significant amount of help.

It's a burden on them and I'm not surprised they feel frustrated - they do it so you can work.

I think it's probably time to start looking for a local babysitter, and checking out some holiday clubs. You can mix these in with some grandparent care, of course, but paying a provider means you can do whatever you fancy on the days he is there.

Can also get some evening sitting if that works for you and your boyfriend.

MadMadMadamMim · 29/10/2021 12:21

I think it's up to them how they feel. In their eyes they were doing you a favour to allow you to work without having to pay for child care.

Taking a day off for quality time with your bf is different and they clearly think that was a piss take.

LadyDanburysHat · 29/10/2021 12:21

Sorry, but yes you are.

Thesearmsofmine · 29/10/2021 12:23

I can kind of see it from both sides.
They are giving up their own time to provide childcare while you work which is lovely of them to do and obviously a big help to you but I do get why you would want to spend a day with your partner, it’s not like you went off on holiday for a week leaving then with your son.

Freddiefox · 29/10/2021 12:26

I can see it both ways, just don’t mention it next time.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 29/10/2021 12:27

Did they know beforehand? I’d be a bit annoyed if I thought I was providing childcare for someone to work but later found out they spent the day shagging.

marykitty · 29/10/2021 12:27

I would have asked them in advance and see how they felt

They are doing a significant amount of childcare for you, they have the right to set some boundaries.

PotteringAlong · 29/10/2021 12:27

So your parents have your child full time for 12 weeks a year? (School holidays -28 days). That’s a massive amount of care. And I can understand their thinking. You were being unreasonable.

MatildaTheCat · 29/10/2021 12:27

I’ve voted YANBU but tbh it sounds as if they are looking after him on sufferance and it’s probably time to look for local options during the holidays.

TopTabby · 29/10/2021 12:29

I can see both sides & think you & your new boyfriend should have kept your day together a secret. It shouldn't have been too hard to do if dgps live miles away?
Unless you put it all over social media for them to see of course!

phoenixrosehere · 29/10/2021 12:31

I can kind of see it from both sides.
They are giving up their own time to provide childcare while you work which is lovely of them to do and obviously a big help to you but I do get why you would want to spend a day with your partner, it’s not like you went off on holiday for a week leaving then with your son.

Agree. At the same time, your son is 9. Many children are pretty independent at that age and unless he isn’t well-behaved or has additional needs, I don’t think a one -off is a big deal unless they had something they had planned and didn’t do it because they were taking care of your child.

Pandaly · 29/10/2021 12:32

You should have asked them first really. They do a lot to try and help you provide for your son.

Hercisback · 29/10/2021 12:32

How is school holidays - 28 days = 12 weeks?
It's more like 9 weeks, possibly 8 depends on bank holidays and OPs job.

OP time to find some paid for childcare if you want days off shagging.

Pandaly · 29/10/2021 12:33

It sounds like they might be wanting to do less childcare really.

PotteringAlong · 29/10/2021 12:36

@Hercisback no, you’re right. I’d somehow double counted the summer Blush

Even so, they’re still having her son for 2 months a year. Which is a lot

mynameisbrian · 29/10/2021 12:36

Your parents are facilitating your ability to work. They are not there to facilitate your relationship with a new bloke. No idea why your unable to see each other when your DC isnt in your home for most of the week over the holidays. I think your taking the piss...

NailsNeedDoing · 29/10/2021 12:36

If they are offering childcare so you can work, then it’s disrespectful to them to do something else instead unless you’ve asked them and they’ve agreed. Looking after your child for a week at a time is a big favour they are doing, but they’re probably happy to do it because they know it enables you to provide food and a roof over your child’s head.

You aren’t wrong to want to spend time with your boyfriend, just don’t do it when someone else is doing you a favour specifically so you can work.

Motnight · 29/10/2021 12:36

I think that you were incredibly cheeky doing that, Op.

Youseethethingis · 29/10/2021 12:37

I don't think one single day not working and not taking care of your child is that wild. I'd be disappointed that your parents begrudge you having this tiny bit of time for yourself and making other child care arrangements.

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 29/10/2021 12:37

YABU!

They're providing childcare so you can work, which is super generous (especially with it being a weeks stay at a time!). If you're then using your holiday to spend time with your child, that's fair enough.

To use a days holiday to see your new partner, it is a bit of a kick in the teeth to your parents - it also means they'll need to pick up an extra days childcare in the future as you'll have less annual leave surely? Your child is the priority - with such limited annual leave, wouldn't you want to spend it all with him?

WellLarDeDar · 29/10/2021 12:38

Considering how much childcare they do for you yes I think YABU. It's not really the same as you asking them to watch DS for the evening so you can have a date night. You should have asked them in advanced.

LettertoHermoine · 29/10/2021 12:38

You are taking the absolute piss.

tootiredtospeak · 29/10/2021 12:38

Yep you shouldn't have done this without asking it's a piss take.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 29/10/2021 12:38

It used to frustrate me that my parents would happily look after my children while i worked, but never for any other reason. And it wasnt actually my choice. My parents went mad when i said i was looking at nurseries. Really emotionally manipulative to have them, rather than childcare. Never let it drop i insisted on preschool sessions, or after school club a couple of nights a week.

I felt like they were saying I was not allowed free time to myself. Which they were.

But still it is unreasonale to expect something they wouldnt offer. Especially to do it in an Underhand way.

Could you not have taken the day off in term-time?