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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Childcare from grandparents

234 replies

Busymum21 · 29/10/2021 12:16

Could I ask if I'm being unreasonable.
I'm a single mum edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info As I work full time my parents help out with childcare over the holidays where my son has to stay with them for the entire week then home to me at the weekend due to the distance they live from us.
I've recently started seeing someone for the last few months but as we both have kids it's difficult to find the time to spend quality time together. Whilst my son was at my parents during school holidays my boyfriend and I both took a day off work to spend some time together. My parents are not happy I took time off work to spend with my boyfriend when they were looking after my son as they are of the view if I was able to take time off work I should have been looking after my son that day instead (I'd like to add I do also use the majority of my annual leave to spend time with my son during holidays but only get 28 days a year).
Am I being unreasonable in taking that time off for myself to spend some rare time with my boyfriend whilst they have my son?

OP posts:

purpledagger · 29/10/2021 14:10

I don't think either you or your parents are being unreasonable. It's just one of these things were there are two valid perspectives. As you aren't really in a position to negotiate,as they are going you a massive favour, by looking after their grand child during school holidays, I think you need to accept that their offer of help is only for the purposes of you being able to work.

Going forward, maybe take time off when your child is at school so that you are using your 'normal' arrangements rather than relying on your parents.

Goawaymorningsickeness · 29/10/2021 14:14

@CyclingIsNotOuting

Did they know beforehand? I’d be a bit annoyed if I thought I was providing childcare for someone to work but later found out they spent the day shagging.

Yeah me too.

RedskyThisNight · 29/10/2021 14:14

[quote mountbattenbergcake]@girlmom21

Then she should've kept the holiday day for the next school holidays.

So she’s not allowed even one day to herself that is free of children and work?

This is a single mother.[/quote]
Many parents don't have any family childcare and don't get the luxury of full days to themselves unless they pay for childcare.

OP taking a day off here also means she has one more day for which she'll need her parents to provide childcare in the future.

MissNothing1991 · 29/10/2021 14:15

Think you should be more grateful to be honest. I am a single parent, child has no contact with other parent, I literally have no childcare whatsoever, EVER. To the extent that when I was made redundant, I had to give up the childminder place for my kid because I couldn't afford to keep her, and I now can't get a new job because very few jobs now won't let me not work nights or weekends. My family do not take her off me. I'd be very happy if my parents took her for 'half term' etc. They certainly wouldn't for me to go meet men, though to be honest I don't really have much interest when I know I've no childcare anyway.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 29/10/2021 14:15

@hibbledibble

I think if you are accepting childcare for free from family, you need to accept it comes with conditions. In this case grandparents only want to provide childcare so you can work: that is their prerogative.

If you don't like it then better to use paid childcare.

People used to remark on me getting ‘free’ childcare from my parents. I always replied with, believe me, I pay for it.

Looking back, i should never have backed down and allowed them to have as much childcare as they demanded. But back in my early thirties I was still wired to people please. The closer I get to menopause, the less I find that to be the case.

funinthesun19 · 29/10/2021 14:16

Yeah I think you’re being unreasonable.
The arrangement is so that you can work and they’re putting a huge amount of time in to looking after your DS.

That being said, you are allowed a break and you are allowed to have some fun. So that’s why you should have just asked them: “I was wondering if you’d be ok if I booked X day off and did X thing while DS is with you?”

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 29/10/2021 14:16

@MissNothing1991 I now can't get a new job because very few jobs now won't let me not work nights or weekends.
What jobs are you looking for that all insist on nights and weekends?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/10/2021 14:19

[quote mountbattenbergcake]@girlmom21

Then she should've kept the holiday day for the next school holidays.

So she’s not allowed even one day to herself that is free of children and work?

This is a single mother.[/quote]
Of course she is - but she pays for it. If her folks have boundaries on the free childcare they give (ie for work), then she finds any additional childcare.

Or takes a day off in school time.

icedcoffees · 29/10/2021 14:20

Your parents are right.

They're doing massive amounts of childcare for you so you can work, not so you can fuck.

If your son is away all week, why can't you just see your boyfriend on the evenings he doesn't have his kids?

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 29/10/2021 14:21

See this is exactly why I don’t use grandparent childcare in the place of paid childcare. Because it becomes a great big chore. I don’t ever want my parents to view my daughters as a burden or a chore.

We ask for help so that we can get out together occasionally and because it doesn’t happen often it’s a treat for all involved.

I know people who’s parents have their kids all the time. Like pick up from school every day, all the way through school hols etc. i don’t understand how you can ask that of another person.

Saharafordessert · 29/10/2021 14:22

YABU.
Surely you get to see your boyfriend every week night evening that you’re child free?
Your poor parents are sacrificing a huge amount of time and saving you tons of money.

MissNothing1991 · 29/10/2021 14:22

[quote LorenzoVonMatterhorn]**@MissNothing1991* I now can't get a new job because very few jobs now won't let me not work nights or weekends.*
What jobs are you looking for that all insist on nights and weekends?[/quote]
I don't have any qualifications as yet, so things like shop work etc. And where I am (Not Mainland UK) most employers want fully flex staff. I can send you a list of my previous applications if it means that much 🙄

phoenixrosehere · 29/10/2021 14:22

Many parents don't have any family childcare and don't get the luxury of full days to themselves unless they pay for childcare.

Again, what does that have to do with OP? People keep making comments like these as if these situations have anything to do with OP. My husband and I are ones that do not have family nearby and pay for childcare but I wouldn’t get so annoyed as some of you are coming across as because someone else has family to help. Hearing many of the stories and seeing some of the comments, I’m grateful we are able to afford to pay because it’s not worth the drama it comes across as and definitely wouldn’t want the judgement it seems to come with.

TrashyPanda · 29/10/2021 14:25

Yes, it was cheeky. You didn’t ask them and now they feel you are taking advantage of their generosity. They might now be less willing to help you out know they now you don’t actually consider their feelings. They are doing one heck of a lot for you and you don’t sound grateful. Don’t take them for granted.

As others have said - why didn’t you take a day off when your son is at school?

You need to apologise to them and do something nice, like pay for a meal out for the four of you to show your appreciation of all they do.

saleorbouy · 29/10/2021 14:25

YABU. You are taking the mick out of their good nature.
"Here mind my son while I go for a shag"
You social life isn't of their business so don't make it their duty to child mind for your recreation!

godmum56 · 29/10/2021 14:33

if your parents don't want you to then yabu

Kitkat151 · 29/10/2021 14:34

@tootiredtospeak

Yep you shouldn't have done this without asking it's a piss take.

This I would be livid if this was one of my children when I was looking after my grandchildren....... you should be ashamed of yourself

Dora33 · 29/10/2021 14:36

Yabu. Your parents aren't just doing normal daily childcare but having your son living with them weekdays during the hols so that you can work.
You could still have met up with your boyfriend after work or use a babysitter at the weekend.

Saoirse82 · 29/10/2021 14:39

@Youseethethingis

I don't think one single day not working and not taking care of your child is that wild. I'd be disappointed that your parents begrudge you having this tiny bit of time for yourself and making other child care arrangements.

This

MeridianB · 29/10/2021 14:41

I voted YABU as I can see why your parents feel duped and unhappy.

Why can’t you see your bf on one of the five weeknights you don’t have your son? Taking a very precious day of annual leave for a new bloke seems a strange choice.

BiLuminous · 29/10/2021 14:41

Yeah YABU, I think it's been made clear really. It's sad enough that grandparents take the toll of being childcare these days when they're aging and have done their bit parenting already, nevermind being used when you're not working.
Pay a babysitter- don't put it on your parent just because it's free. It's unfair.

RedskyThisNight · 29/10/2021 14:44

@phoenixrosehere

Many parents don't have any family childcare and don't get the luxury of full days to themselves unless they pay for childcare.

It's relevant because OP thinks it's reasonable for her parents to provide childcare just so she can have a day off. If this was something that every other grandparent in the world did, then she would be totally reasonable to expect this. But there are actually lots of people that don't get it, so she's not reasonable to "expect" it. It might be nice, but it's not a given.

SpinachIsAGatewayDrug · 29/10/2021 14:44

It sounds to me like they are already going well above and beyond what can reasonably be expected, so that you can work. To find out you then took a day off, used them for childcare just to spend time with your BF is so wrong, to me. More so because they are clearly uncomfortbale with it and instead of accepting that and being grateful for the massive, massive help they already offer, you seem to be further questioning it.

In short: it is not unreasonable for anyone to offer (free) childcare to enable you to work but to not want to do it to enable your social life. I think an apology to them might be in order.

BiLuminous · 29/10/2021 14:46

You could give your parents a bit of a break by putting your in holiday club for some of the days? If money is tight there are free places now if he qualifies for free school meals under the HAF scheme. This October half-term the HAF isn't running but our council have paid for these places anyway and they include a meal.

You can also try claiming up to 85% of childcare costs back from UC, but again, it depends what you earn. I think asking them to have your son Monday-Friday is a bit much tbh.

choli · 29/10/2021 14:48

YANBU if you are paying them for the childcare. You are YABVVVU if they are doing it for free as a favor.

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