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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Childcare from grandparents

234 replies

Busymum21 · 29/10/2021 12:16

Could I ask if I'm being unreasonable.
I'm a single mum edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info As I work full time my parents help out with childcare over the holidays where my son has to stay with them for the entire week then home to me at the weekend due to the distance they live from us.
I've recently started seeing someone for the last few months but as we both have kids it's difficult to find the time to spend quality time together. Whilst my son was at my parents during school holidays my boyfriend and I both took a day off work to spend some time together. My parents are not happy I took time off work to spend with my boyfriend when they were looking after my son as they are of the view if I was able to take time off work I should have been looking after my son that day instead (I'd like to add I do also use the majority of my annual leave to spend time with my son during holidays but only get 28 days a year).
Am I being unreasonable in taking that time off for myself to spend some rare time with my boyfriend whilst they have my son?

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 29/10/2021 14:49

@Janaih

That was very CF of you.

It saddens me to see so many grandparents exhausting themselves with childcare.

Indeed. My parents childminded several of my brothers' children and by the final one (she's now 16 and in 6th form, so they had her several days every week until she started school in 2009, when they were 73 and 77 respectively - Mum died in 2017 aged 81) they were on their knees, despite her being a well-behaved child.

I think people don't realise how hard a commitment it is for grandparents, taking on a lot of childcare rather than the odd day, evening or weekend. it also effectively prevents them pursuing their own interests throughout that time.

FooFighter99 · 29/10/2021 14:54

YABU but only because it would have been better to run it past them before you booked that day off, to get their approval (so to speak)

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 29/10/2021 14:55

I think people don't realise how hard a commitment it is for grandparents, taking on a lot of childcare rather than the odd day, evening or weekend

Definitely. And once the arrangement starts it is so so difficult for them to back out of it.

My brother in law makes the mistake of feeling that his parents are lucky to have the opportunity to babysit his children, and assume that people are simply dying for an opportunity to babysit. Nope.

ejhhhhh · 29/10/2021 14:55

They clearly feel that the childcare they provide is to enable you to work, and that is their prerogative. They're doing you a favour, they can dictate the terms, however reasonable your time off with your boyfriend is. And I do think it's reasonable for you to have time with your boyfriend alone, but it is vv cheeky not to ask your parents if this was OK with them first. As they don't seem to be OK with it, you can't really argue the toss with them, they're withing their rights to refuse childcare for whatever reason they choose. In the future, you're going to need to send your child to a holiday club, or take days off work when your child is at school.

Hankunamatata · 29/10/2021 14:57

Yeah its taking the mick. They are providing free childcare for you to work not to take a day off to spend with your bf. I can see their point of view that they had your son all week, yet you didn't take a day off to see him. If you don't want to be accountable to anyone you need to pay for childcare.

mountbattenbergcake · 29/10/2021 14:58

If the childcare arrangement isn't working for the DGPs, then that's a separate and very valid side issue.

OP lives so far from her parents and probably gets zero help during the week or weekends.

I really can't blame her wanting to have a day off from work and childcare.

Staryflight445 · 29/10/2021 15:05

Yeah you’ve taken advantage of them.

Jumpingintochristmas · 29/10/2021 15:05

YABU and genuinely owe your parents an apology.

Dating as a single parent is hard, but you need to find a way to make it work - not many people have four weeknights free.

choli · 29/10/2021 15:06

it also effectively prevents them pursuing their own interests throughout that time.

On MN grandparents who have any interests outside of their grandchildren are considered very selfish indeed, and the advice will be to go or at least threaten to go NC to make them toe the line.

Nc123 · 29/10/2021 15:08

I have sympathy for your situation but you’re asking a LOT of your parents - he basically lives with them. It sounds like they need a break and that’s why they were upset when they found out what you’d done.

It’s not unreasonable to want one day off with your boyfriend butithink it’s time to review the situation with your parents and maybe find some locally available childcare for a couple of days a week.

Nc123 · 29/10/2021 15:10

@choli

it also effectively prevents them pursuing their own interests throughout that time.

On MN grandparents who have any interests outside of their grandchildren are considered very selfish indeed, and the advice will be to go or at least threaten to go NC to make them toe the line.

I haven’t seen that at all. More frequently I see on MN that posters are grabby and entitled for daring to expect even the odd bit of help from grandparents. Obviously that isn’t the case here and the voting reflects it.
CaMePlaitPas · 29/10/2021 15:10

I'd be surprised if the OP came back.

mountbattenbergcake · 29/10/2021 15:10

@Nc123

I have sympathy for your situation but you’re asking a LOT of your parents - he basically lives with them. It sounds like they need a break and that’s why they were upset when they found out what you’d done.

It’s not unreasonable to want one day off with your boyfriend butithink it’s time to review the situation with your parents and maybe find some locally available childcare for a couple of days a week.

Eh? He's only there during holidays, minus 28 days (5.5 weeks) of annual leave OP has.

So he does not live with them Hmm

mountbattenbergcake · 29/10/2021 15:12

@choli

it also effectively prevents them pursuing their own interests throughout that time.

On MN grandparents who have any interests outside of their grandchildren are considered very selfish indeed, and the advice will be to go or at least threaten to go NC to make them toe the line.

Oh really? I've never seen a thread like this. Can you post an example?
IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 29/10/2021 15:14

…that posters are grabby and entitled for daring to expect even the odd bit of help from grandparents

They can be though!

You can’t “expect” help from anyone else! You can ask, and it’s nice to be nice, but nobody owes you anything!! They’re your children!! (Not you, poster, a more general you)

One of my daughters friends is at her grans alllll the time. Every single day. And her mum had the AUDACITY to complain when gran booked herself a holiday!!

Nc123 · 29/10/2021 15:17

Thanks mountbattenbergcake - my bad, I’d missed this and thought it was during term time as well. Still applies though, it is still a lot.

jiggeryjaggerywoo · 29/10/2021 15:18

Bloody hell people are being hard on the OP!
The fact that some people have absolutely no help from family or elsewhere for childcare has precisely zero to do with this situation. Yes it's shitty for them, but why does that mean things should be shitty for everyone else too?
The child doesn't "live" with the grandparents as someone dramatically said.
I don't think the OP was being unreasonable. It's really hard being a lone parent, and her DPs have been supportive which is great. But I can't understand why they would begrudge their DD trying to get some semblance of a normal like outside of her role as an employee or a mother. It seems really mean to me, unless there is a back story that we're not aware of.

Nc123 · 29/10/2021 15:22

@IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative

…that posters are grabby and entitled for daring to expect even the odd bit of help from grandparents

They can be though!

You can’t “expect” help from anyone else! You can ask, and it’s nice to be nice, but nobody owes you anything!! They’re your children!! (Not you, poster, a more general you)

One of my daughters friends is at her grans alllll the time. Every single day. And her mum had the AUDACITY to complain when gran booked herself a holiday!!

I agree, people aren’t obliged to give you the help, but it can be reasonable to expect that you’ll get some. Maybe not as much as you want, but some.

Full disclosure- I get no help from grandparents at all. They all moan if they don’t see the kids but none of them (and both parents and in laws are divorced so effectively four households) are ever interested in giving us a break by doing so much as taking the kids to a playground for an hour. I do think this is unreasonable. Both parents and in laws had help from their parents when I was little - not loads, but some - and in my turn, I’ll expect to help out a bit if I’m ever a Nan. Families should help each other out. It’s reasonable for parents to expect some help, just as it’s reasonable for grandparents to expect that they won’t be taken for granted or overburdened.

sleepinglionsroar · 29/10/2021 15:24

It's a bit sad for your Dc, couldn't you have gone and all spent a day together, you, your Dc and DS? Where were your BF's Dc with their mother ??

Coyoacan · 29/10/2021 15:25

I think you should have told them your plans and then it would have been up to them. As the mother of a single mother, I understand that she needs a social life, but I don't provide anything like the amount of help your parents are giving you.

Emrew05 · 29/10/2021 15:25

I dont think taking a day off to spend time with your new partner is unreasonable however how you have gone about it is a bit shady. If your parents are helping so that you can go to work it's dishonest to then take a day off with your partner. Did you tell them or they found out another way?

converseandjeans · 29/10/2021 15:30

My in laws used to look after children a day a week. We're both teachers & my summer hols are slightly longer & they never offered to have the children if we weren't at work. It would have gone down badly I think if we had gone out for the day while they babysat.

I can see why you wanted a day off. You're getting a hard time on here. Just wondering why DS Dad isn't helping?

mummy182822828 · 29/10/2021 15:35

I don't see anything wrong with it you have the right to see him maybe just don't tell your parents when your seeing him so go out somewhere where your parents don't live but

ZoeCM · 29/10/2021 15:35

YABVVU. Your parents are practically raising your son during the holidays. You are in no position to take further advantage.

Kitkat151 · 29/10/2021 15:36

@jiggeryjaggerywoo

Bloody hell people are being hard on the OP! The fact that some people have absolutely no help from family or elsewhere for childcare has precisely zero to do with this situation. Yes it's shitty for them, but why does that mean things should be shitty for everyone else too? The child doesn't "live" with the grandparents as someone dramatically said. I don't think the OP was being unreasonable. It's really hard being a lone parent, and her DPs have been supportive which is great. But I can't understand why they would begrudge their DD trying to get some semblance of a normal like outside of her role as an employee or a mother. It seems really mean to me, unless there is a back story that we're not aware of.
They are being’hard’ because she is taking the piss....looking after GC is exhausting.....I have 3 and I’m only mid 50s ....if OP is 43 then her parents are likely late 60s or 70s.... They have taken on a massive commitment to care for their GC and it likely impacts greatly on their lives ( being knackered, not being able to do things spontaneously).... but they have done it to help out their DD ..... then she takes time off to spend with her new bloke .....If they only helped out occasionally then it would have been ok for her to ask....but not in these circumstances....I adore my GC but would never commit to regular childcare....they are not my kids....I don’t want the responsibility.....I am happy for them to have sleepovers At mine....to take them out for day trips during the holidays....I have even taken them on holiday a few times....all this is as and when it’s convenient to me..... OP is taking her parents for granted ..... she is a user
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