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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Childcare from grandparents

234 replies

Busymum21 · 29/10/2021 12:16

Could I ask if I'm being unreasonable.
I'm a single mum edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info As I work full time my parents help out with childcare over the holidays where my son has to stay with them for the entire week then home to me at the weekend due to the distance they live from us.
I've recently started seeing someone for the last few months but as we both have kids it's difficult to find the time to spend quality time together. Whilst my son was at my parents during school holidays my boyfriend and I both took a day off work to spend some time together. My parents are not happy I took time off work to spend with my boyfriend when they were looking after my son as they are of the view if I was able to take time off work I should have been looking after my son that day instead (I'd like to add I do also use the majority of my annual leave to spend time with my son during holidays but only get 28 days a year).
Am I being unreasonable in taking that time off for myself to spend some rare time with my boyfriend whilst they have my son?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 29/10/2021 12:39

Welcome to motherhood op....It's quite inconvenient. If you wish to work/socialise/date without restrictions then you should have remained childfree.

Pandaly · 29/10/2021 12:39

@Youseethethingis

I don't think one single day not working and not taking care of your child is that wild. I'd be disappointed that your parents begrudge you having this tiny bit of time for yourself and making other child care arrangements.
If OP had explained it to them in advance and said they really needs a break and asked then that's different to letting them do all the work then reveal they had been doing that so OP could have a nice day out.
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/10/2021 12:40

@PotteringAlong

So your parents have your child full time for 12 weeks a year? (School holidays -28 days). That’s a massive amount of care. And I can understand their thinking. You were being unreasonable.
Not sure where OP is but English hols are 13 weeks (65 days)

That leaves 37 days over what she can take off work (just over 7.5 weeks).

Still a lot. But not 12!

itsallgoingpearshaped · 29/10/2021 12:40

Of course YABU. Your parents are giving up their time to look after your child so you can work. If you are able to take time off from work to hang out, it should be with your child ... or you should be making other arrangements for him.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 29/10/2021 12:40

What options have you explored in terms of paid childcare, or offering to have a friend's child for a day if they'll do the same for you? It sounds like you've become dependent on your parents to always provide childcare. Time to look around a bit more.

LivesinLondon2000 · 29/10/2021 12:41

I agree - you’re getting substantial help from your parents already and should probably look into paid childcare/babysitting if you need more time.

TokyoSushi · 29/10/2021 12:41

Is it Monday to Friday every week of the school holidays? If so YABU.

Poachedeggs1 · 29/10/2021 12:44

I think your parents have every right to be annoyed. You took the piss, to be honest.

marykitty · 29/10/2021 12:46

Good point from one PP, next time take a day off while your son is at school. Childcare issue solved.

Weepingwillows12 · 29/10/2021 12:47

Honestly I can see why you didn't think it would be a big deal as they agreed to have them anyway. I think you need to look at whether your parents are doing so much childcare through choice or sufferance. It sounds like maybe they are resentful. It's probably time to take another look at other childcare options and have an honest conversation with them about how they are finding it. Maybe you are taking them for granted a bit?

AvocadoOrange · 29/10/2021 12:48

I think it is sort of unreasonable perhaps they are struggling with childcare. Although I admit I did once do something similar so I understand. It was a day I usually work and my parents just assumed I was working that day- but I just really felt like I needed the break. But I wouldn't do that often.

00100001 · 29/10/2021 12:49

Why couldn't you spend quality time with your BF on a Mon-Thurs evening? Confused

girlmom21 · 29/10/2021 12:50

I'd be really pissed off if I was then, tbh.
They're looking after your child to facilitate your work.

They're sacrificing a lot to be able to do so.

I can't believe that you wouldn't want to spend the day with your child if you had it off tbh, considering you're not seeing him for a week at a time.

BananaPB · 29/10/2021 12:51

Yabu but you shouldn't have told them about the day off

Pumpkintopf · 29/10/2021 12:52

This was definitely taking advantage of the help your parents have offered, which is considerable.

2typesofjungle · 29/10/2021 12:53

If I was looking after someone's child so they could work and they swanned off for a jolly with their boyfriend instead I'd feel pretty pissed off about it.

StormyTeacups · 29/10/2021 12:56

Uh huh, so holiday is so scarce they have to have him all holidays, but you had enough spare to take a day off with a boyfriend?

Blackmagicqueen · 29/10/2021 12:56

Yabu, it you wanted annal leave with your boyfriend you should have asked your parents first if they would mind and if so have gotten a babysitter! Also you should want to see your son when youre off? All parents use their annual leave to see their dc; you make it sound like a chore to spend time with your son?

Janaih · 29/10/2021 12:56

That was very CF of you.

It saddens me to see so many grandparents exhausting themselves with childcare.

Metallicalover · 29/10/2021 12:57

You get an awful lot of help, yes you work full time but in the school holidays (I'm assuming you work Monday -Friday 9-5ish or there abouts as they come back to you at the week end) you have 4 nights per week to yourself!
I think if you explained to your parents prior to this it might have been better received!

Blackmagicqueen · 29/10/2021 12:58

I'm actually shocked how much help you get op and fact you have the nerve to complain. You could see your bf an evening after work and spend that full day annal leave with your son.

eeyore228 · 29/10/2021 13:01

Yeah sorry I think it's cheeky as. Me and DH work back to back because we have no one nearby to help with childcare and we can't find anything for a 15hr day. The fact that your parents are happy to help with such long periods so you can work is fortunate. Using annual leave for your boyfriend is rude, wanting to spend time is understandable but it shouldn't be at your parents expense. You can't take the leave for your son but can for a new boyfriend. Just sounds really bad.

HoneyItAlreadyDid · 29/10/2021 13:01

I am lucky enough to to have grandparents who do childcare too, but I’m afraid you have been unreasonable. They agreed to look after your DS while you work. If there was a different reason you needed childcare, ie, to see your boyfriend, then you should have been upfront with them. In an ideal world they would still be happy childminding in this situation, but if they weren’t it is totally their prerogative to say no.

Paid for childcare might be a better option, even for some of the holidays. Then you could have a day off to do shopping, see your bf, rearrange your house or whatever without overstepping the boundaries of your DPs.

MatildaJayne · 29/10/2021 13:02

@CyclingIsNotOuting

Did they know beforehand? I’d be a bit annoyed if I thought I was providing childcare for someone to work but later found out they spent the day shagging.
Exactly this. You had 4 nights for shagging. They are helping you by providing free childcare while you work not babysitting so you can go on a jolly with your boyfriend. You are taking them for granted.
Darbs76 · 29/10/2021 13:03

That’s unreasonable yes. If you really want to do it then don’t tell them. You can’t blame them being annoyed

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