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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Childcare from grandparents

234 replies

Busymum21 · 29/10/2021 12:16

Could I ask if I'm being unreasonable.
I'm a single mum edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info As I work full time my parents help out with childcare over the holidays where my son has to stay with them for the entire week then home to me at the weekend due to the distance they live from us.
I've recently started seeing someone for the last few months but as we both have kids it's difficult to find the time to spend quality time together. Whilst my son was at my parents during school holidays my boyfriend and I both took a day off work to spend some time together. My parents are not happy I took time off work to spend with my boyfriend when they were looking after my son as they are of the view if I was able to take time off work I should have been looking after my son that day instead (I'd like to add I do also use the majority of my annual leave to spend time with my son during holidays but only get 28 days a year).
Am I being unreasonable in taking that time off for myself to spend some rare time with my boyfriend whilst they have my son?

OP posts:
TheFormerMrsPugwash · 29/10/2021 21:57

I was a SAHM for about 20 years, so I can well understand the need for a break from one's children (never had it, as XH was an arse - I was a single parent for a good part of that time, with no local family). However, I wouldn't have been quite so keen, had I been at work during the day. I would have wanted to see them in the holidays, and would have chosen to spend time with them over seeing my new boyfriend.

If my adult DC were wanting me to look after their children so they could work, I could possibly think of agreeing to that (though even then wouldn't be desperate to do it - I've done my stint of child-rearing). But not so they could spend time with a new boyfriend.

MNHQ
MillieMumsnet · 29/10/2021 22:21

Hi all, we apologise for the confusion we did edit the OPs post, we must've missed putting it into the opening post - really sorry about that, we've fixed it now

MeridianB · 30/10/2021 07:14

This thread is now just really weird.

mountbattenbergcake · 30/10/2021 07:26

@mountbattenbergcake

If the childcare arrangement isn't working for the DGPs, then that's a separate and very valid side issue.

OP lives so far from her parents and probably gets zero help during the week or weekends.

I really can't blame her wanting to have a day off from work and childcare.

To follow on from my post, I think I was right to say OP is not BU. People here are to be nasty to an OP.

To everyone saying they don’t believe her parents were initially ok with it, I think it makes sense as why would OP tell them afterwards?

Hopefully people will come back and apologise to you, but I doubt they will.

mountbattenbergcake · 30/10/2021 07:28

@MeridianB

This thread is now just really weird.
No, you’ve misunderstood the thread, that doesn’t make it weird Hmm. Upthread you said the son lives with his grandparents, but that’s not the case.
whistleryukon · 30/10/2021 07:41

Fucking hell, she used one single day of annual leave for herself amidst a life of either being in work or being with her DS. Her son goes to his grandparents for part of the school holidays to enable his mum to work, what's wrong with that? Some posters are speaking as if she's surrendered him so that she can live a life of getting her nails done and partying. The majority of parents aren't true sole carers to children and don't therefore have a full understanding of what it is like. Not every child has a dad around that the resident parent can call upon to share the load.

OP, I am a sole carer to my DC too and my parents also support me with child care so that I can work full time. It's hard to balance working hard to build a life for your family with being a parent too, all on your own. So many spinning plates. We are not machines who only exist to work or be parents, you shouldn't feel guilty for using 3.5% of your annual leave for yourself.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/10/2021 07:42

YABU in my opinion. I'm a single parent and wouldn't dream of doing that. Unfortunately when your child is young and the dad isn't involved (I'm assuming he isn't as you haven't mentioned him) you do have to put dating on the back burner for a while, or pay for a babysitter, that's just the way it is.

mountbattenbergcake · 30/10/2021 07:42

Totally agree @whistleryukon

MeridianB · 30/10/2021 07:43

The son lives with the GPs for five days a week and during some school holidays. It sounds like his main home for much of the time.

You think OP is not BU, others think she is.

mountbattenbergcake · 30/10/2021 07:44

@MeridianB

The son lives with the GPs for five days a week and during some school holidays. It sounds like his main home for much of the time.

You think OP is not BU, others think she is.

No, you’re still misunderstanding, Meridian.

Op says her son stays with them over the holidays for the entire week.

MeridianB · 30/10/2021 07:51

Ok, thanks for clarifying, I’m happy to own my mistake.

She’s still BU though.

mountbattenbergcake · 30/10/2021 07:54

No worries. How was she unreasonable though?

She asked them, they were fine with it.

whistleryukon · 30/10/2021 08:07

@Waxonwaxoff0

YABU in my opinion. I'm a single parent and wouldn't dream of doing that. Unfortunately when your child is young and the dad isn't involved (I'm assuming he isn't as you haven't mentioned him) you do have to put dating on the back burner for a while, or pay for a babysitter, that's just the way it is.
It's not though is it? Because everyone lives their lives slightly differently depending upon a number of different variants. If I want to go out for tea with friends, or to my work's Christmas party, or to the gym, or (shock horror) on a date I see no problem with asking my family if they will watch my DC for me. The conversation goes like this: Me: Would you be able to watch DC for me so I can go to Jane's leaving do? Family: No problem/no can do, we are busy Me: Ok thanks

Why is it different asking the question just because you're a single parent? Plenty of married couples lean on family for child care too.

whistleryukon · 30/10/2021 08:10

Maybe all single mums should just be branded with a big, red letter A and be prohibited by law from any sins of the flesh, alcohol or dressy clothes and be done with it. That would clearly suit some people.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/10/2021 08:11

@whistleryukon there's no issue with asking. But OP didn't ask and clearly the grandparents don't want to do childcare for that purpose, which is their choice.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/10/2021 08:14

Ah, she did ask. I missed that page.

In that case I just wouldn't bother asking again as they clearly have an issue with it and use paid childcare.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/10/2021 08:16

@whistleryukon

Maybe all single mums should just be branded with a big, red letter A and be prohibited by law from any sins of the flesh, alcohol or dressy clothes and be done with it. That would clearly suit some people.
Course they shouldn't, don't be ridiculous. But if you don't have family willing to help out there's not much else you can do.
whistleryukon · 30/10/2021 08:23

But she did ask, and they agreed. So.

ancientgran · 30/10/2021 10:43

@Busymum21

Just to clarify those who say I'm taking advantage. I asked them beforehand and they were fine with it and knew all about it as I'm not one to sneak around behind people's backs. Only now after the event it seem to be an issue. To those saying I need to prioritise my dc - believe me, that it always the case and he does always come first. Every other bit of my leave is used to spend time with my dc.
Maybe talk to them about what changed. Are they finding it hard to care for him, is it more challenging than it was. He is getting to an age where kids aren't always so happy to just spend time with GPs, they want to see their friends and maybe that can't happen for him if he is away from home alot in the holidays.

Not sure what you can do about that but it might be something that needs some thought. I love my GC but honestly at the end of the week I'm happy to hand them back. Yesterday afternoon I was almost crying as I was so tired trying to entertain them. After a quiet evening, a good nights sleep and a peaceful breakfast I can look back on the best bits of half term but we don't always have the stamina anymore.

ancientgran · 30/10/2021 10:45

@whistleryukon

Maybe all single mums should just be branded with a big, red letter A and be prohibited by law from any sins of the flesh, alcohol or dressy clothes and be done with it. That would clearly suit some people.
And maybe add a big M for mug for grandparents who would also like to have some time to do what they want.
phoenixrosehere · 30/10/2021 10:58

@phoenixrosehere the post has changed. It definitely said in the OP that she was 43 and her son was 9.

Thank you. I could have sworn I saw it but when I didn’t see it again I thought I confused it with something else. I didn’t know that OP post could be edited.

phoenixrosehere · 30/10/2021 11:03

And maybe add a big M for mug for grandparents who would also like to have some time to do what they want.

They see him only during the weekdays during the half terms while his mother works those five days. She asked them and took one single day off.

They have their 9 yo grandchild about every 8 weeks for five days. They have months between having their grandchild so how is that a lot? Unless they tell OP it is, it’s perfectly fine.

shiningstar2 · 30/10/2021 11:23

I am a grandparent and if my DD asks me to look after dgc because she is working I am willing to do so. If it is because she has a social arrangement I would expect the courtesy of being told her plans. I am not a paid nursery where a parent can expect to leave child whatever the days plan is. Keeping a child happily occupied all day everyday, though rewarding, is hard work as many parents on these boards admit to during school holidays. The op's parents time is not the op's right, it is a gift willingly given in certain circumstances. If the circumstances change she should ask. In my case it would probably be ok but I would definitely expect to be informed of any parental change if plan during my watch.

PinkiOcelot · 30/10/2021 11:27

Total pisstake. You took time off work to see your boyfriend but couldn’t to take care of your child so he was with your parents?! Surely you can see why they’re pissed off with you?!!

Cheeseplantboots · 30/10/2021 11:27

Of course you’re being unreasonable. If you’d asked them first and they were happy to look after him fair enough bit he’s your child and your responsibility.

My kids are fully aware that if/when they have kids I’ll babysit on my terms. There’s no way I want to be providing a lot of childcare. I’ve done my parenting!