Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Childcare from grandparents

234 replies

Busymum21 · 29/10/2021 12:16

Could I ask if I'm being unreasonable.
I'm a single mum edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info As I work full time my parents help out with childcare over the holidays where my son has to stay with them for the entire week then home to me at the weekend due to the distance they live from us.
I've recently started seeing someone for the last few months but as we both have kids it's difficult to find the time to spend quality time together. Whilst my son was at my parents during school holidays my boyfriend and I both took a day off work to spend some time together. My parents are not happy I took time off work to spend with my boyfriend when they were looking after my son as they are of the view if I was able to take time off work I should have been looking after my son that day instead (I'd like to add I do also use the majority of my annual leave to spend time with my son during holidays but only get 28 days a year).
Am I being unreasonable in taking that time off for myself to spend some rare time with my boyfriend whilst they have my son?

OP posts:
Wilkolampshade · 29/10/2021 13:04

Jesus fucking Christ. You are BVVVVU OP.
Plenty of people get exactly zero help with childcare from grandparents, myself included. Zero. Not one school pick up. Not one babysit. Nothing. Ever. At all.
You are taking the absolute fucking piss and need to take a long hard look at yourself.

hibbledibble · 29/10/2021 13:05

I think if you are accepting childcare for free from family, you need to accept it comes with conditions. In this case grandparents only want to provide childcare so you can work: that is their prerogative.

If you don't like it then better to use paid childcare.

DriftingBlue · 29/10/2021 13:07

It’s not up to you how they spend their time. They are doing you a huge favor watching your son all week including overnights. Many grandparents would not do this much. It’s possible most would not do this much. If they want to place the constraint that it is only for days you are working that is entirely their right. You shouldn’t complain, you should take it as a reminder to thank them for going above and beyond in helping you out.

mountbattenbergcake · 29/10/2021 13:08

Why on earth did you tell them?

SuperSange · 29/10/2021 13:09

Yes, YABU. And very cheeky.

knittingaddict · 29/10/2021 13:09

So your parents are aged in their late 60's ot their 70's? They must be exhausted. We are in our late 50's and early 60's and do a lot of childcare for our grandchildren. It's not what I planned for this stage of our lives and it is very draining sometimes and your life isn't your own.

I would feel the way your parents do. I think we would do the extra day when you were at work, but I would expect to be asked first. I would be very annoyed to find out after the fact and feel like I was being taken advantage of.

Rosebel · 29/10/2021 13:09

If your son is there overnight during the week couldn't you just have seen your bf in the evening? Did it have to be all day?
I'd be really bloody annoyed if I thought I was helping you work but then found out you'd been with your partner.
Agree it's time to look for paid childcare as they won't care what you do when your son is in their care.

mountbattenbergcake · 29/10/2021 13:09

@DriftingBlue

It’s not up to you how they spend their time.

Playing Devil’s advocate, you could say the same to the parents. They agreed to provide childcare in the holidays, and it shouldn’t really concern them that OP booked just one day off in the whole year to spend with her partner.

gogohm · 29/10/2021 13:09

I think you should have asked them, certainly my parents appreciated being asked if it was for leisure

mountbattenbergcake · 29/10/2021 13:10

@Rosebel

If your son is there overnight during the week couldn't you just have seen your bf in the evening? Did it have to be all day? I'd be really bloody annoyed if I thought I was helping you work but then found out you'd been with your partner. Agree it's time to look for paid childcare as they won't care what you do when your son is in their care.
OP can’t see her son when he’s at his grandparents because they live so far away.
mountbattenbergcake · 29/10/2021 13:11

And wouldn’t have made much sense to drive all the way there and all the way back to see her son for the day, probably upsetting his holiday routine with his grandparents.

daisypond · 29/10/2021 13:12

OP can’t see her son when he’s at his grandparents because they live so far away.

Exactly. Therefore she could see the boyfriend every single weekday evening and night.

flashy44 · 29/10/2021 13:13

Yes you are taking the piss

girlmom21 · 29/10/2021 13:14

@mountbattenbergcake

And wouldn’t have made much sense to drive all the way there and all the way back to see her son for the day, probably upsetting his holiday routine with his grandparents.
No but she could have said "oh I'll pick him up on Thursday this week because I have a days holiday booked."
Muffinsandfruitcakes · 29/10/2021 13:16

I think that you were incredibly cheeky doing that, Op.

This^

Pay for independent childcare and you can do whatever you want.

phoenixrosehere · 29/10/2021 13:16

Jesus fucking Christ. You are BVVVVU OP.
Plenty of people get exactly zero help with childcare from grandparents, myself included. Zero. Not one school pick up. Not one babysit. Nothing. Ever. At all.
You are taking the absolute fucking piss and need to take a long hard look at yourself.

What does that have to do anything? How much help others get or I don’t get has nothing to do with OP. It was one time. No need to be dramatic.

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/10/2021 13:17

The next time you want to do this book your child into a local holiday club rather than expecting your parents to do it.

Its not unreasonable to want to spend adult time with your boyfriend but it is unreasonable to expect your parents to provide free childcare for this.

ancientgran · 29/10/2021 13:17

I think it depends but at the end of the day if their conditions are they will look after your son if you are working then you have to go with that.

I do loads of childcare, this week I've had all 6 GC at various points, one has been here all week, a couple for 3 days, another one for most days but goes home at night etc. I don't really care what the parents are doing, in fact I'm happy if they are having a good time but I'm getting to the stage where it is wearing me out. Probably doesn't help that DH is disabled but honestly I'm hanging on by a thread for pick up later and think I'll spend the weekend in bed.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/10/2021 13:18

Really out of order OP they look after him to facilitate your working not your fun- that kind of babysitting you ask for or pay for

Billandben444 · 29/10/2021 13:18

Can you look into holiday clubs for him? They're usually quite reasonable and perhaps more fun for him than always at his grandparents? Get to know other parents there and share the collecting so you don't have to rush back.

HereWeGoAgains · 29/10/2021 13:21

Why did you tell them?

Is it worth looking at holiday clubs etc so they aren’t spending huge chunks of time doing childcare?

mountbattenbergcake · 29/10/2021 13:23

No but she could have said "oh I'll pick him up on Thursday this week because I have a days holiday booked."

Maybe she couldn’t get Friday off.

Bunnycat101 · 29/10/2021 13:25

I’m on the fence tbh. We have a similar set up due to distance where the odd full week works out much better than adhoc days to cut down on travelling. If for example you took the Wednesday, I don’t think that is unreasonable/ he was with them for the week etc. if you took the Monday/Friday you could have relieved them of a day of childcare so I could see why they might be narked. You might just need a broader discussion about whether they’re finding the childcare too much.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2021 13:25

I imagine your parents feel taken advantage of and rightly so as you never asked them if they minded. You’ve put yourself in a precarious position if they decide they’ve had enough of childcare.

Explosivefarts · 29/10/2021 13:26

YABU they look after your child to allow you to work .

Swipe left for the next trending thread