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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Starlight86 · 27/10/2021 15:10

Can you go part time as a compromise?

Ultimately i think its lovely to be able to stay at home and if you can do so then go for it!

Cranncat · 27/10/2021 15:11

Well, you need to approach the conversation with him. It's not just your decision, as it means he's suddenly the sole breadwinner. Can you both talk about working PT or doing compressed hours/long days, so that you both get to see more of your baby? I would never recommend any woman step entirely out of the workforce.

milissa · 27/10/2021 15:12

I would have said the same at six months. But I went back to work when DD was 13 months and have been back a few months now, and I'm
really glad.

yellowmelon · 27/10/2021 15:12

Following this as I'm in the same boat. Ds is 2 and DD is 8 weeks (I went back to work in between) and I just love being a mum. I feel a bit like I've had a lobotomy - I was so career driven but now I just want to spend as much time as I can with them. It definitely feels like it's not the done thing though...

RobinPenguins · 27/10/2021 15:12

YANBU to want to, many people do. But it must ultimately be a joint decision. Part time is a great compromise if that’s an option.

stalkersaga · 27/10/2021 15:13

Well, it's certainly OK to want it, but you can't do it without his full cooperation, so you'll have to discuss it with him, unless you plan to leave him and live off benefits. Maybe he would like nothing more than to leave his job and be a FT parent, or work PT, too.

BunNcheese · 27/10/2021 15:13

Do you want more than one DC?

I think the economy is rocky and we still are at danger I would not give up your job OP.

Can you do 2 days a week?

CrispNeveN · 27/10/2021 15:15

I wouldn't leave your career incase you can't get back into it in the future, always recommend part time.

Bothyboo · 27/10/2021 15:15

This has to be a joint decision with your DH as you will be delegating 100% of the financial responsibility for the family to him.
Depending on your job and education level you also may struggle to ever enter the workforce again on a career level.

If you want to do this I think you need to think with head and not heart- can you work part time? What would the cost of nursery be in the local area? How can you make savings and optimise your budget to stay at home?

Northernsoullover · 27/10/2021 15:16

That's unfair if its not a joint decision. It will also breed resentment. Can you and your husband do part time?

Toottootdrive · 27/10/2021 15:16

It’s not just your decision though is it?

What if he decided he’d like to give up work to be a SAHD?

Blueeyedgirl21 · 27/10/2021 15:17

Your baby won’t be a baby forever
I’d try and stay ‘in the game’ so you still have a career when they go to school

MorningNinja · 27/10/2021 15:17

What job do you have? Is it one that you could pick up and put down?

For me, still staying in the workplace is important - for the reasons your DH gives and also just in case things go wrong.

Could you work part time? That way you are still making pension contributions, making your way in the workplace, and if you need to have the ability to stand on your own two feet.

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/10/2021 15:17

Of course it's not unreasonable to want to do this. But you will have to consider whether it is practically possible and your DH obviously will have to agree that that's the case.

Will you realistically be able to return to work after 2 or 3 years out? Obviously it depends on the kind of work you're in. Would it be worth considering working 1 or 2 days a week, if your work agree to it, just to keep yourself in the workplace?

In terms of affording it, are you including things like pension contributions for you, paying back any additional maternity pay you might have got and so on?

Original poster
wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:17

This is my worry, that he's not totally on board with it. When I've tried to bring it up he always says that it'll feel different when I start back. The thought of it is filling me with anxiety though!

OP posts:
Alicesays · 27/10/2021 15:18

YANBU to want that but the realities of life are that we need to work for money etc. Most people love being a parent and raising their child but also have to earn a living. It's understandable that your DH may not want to be the only person bringing in money, which is fair enough. Hope you find a solution that works for you.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 27/10/2021 15:18

Its ok to want to be a SAHM, but the practicalities of life don't always allow it.

It should be a joint discussion with your DH and you both get an equal say imo.

Remember too that if you don't go back at all you may have to repay any enhanced maternity pay you've received.

Would you consider part time working? I went back 3 days a week at first and I'm now up to 4 days, its a nice compromise.

Original poster
wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:18

In terms of what I do, it's not something I think I could leave and come back to. I work in social media and it already feels like a young persons game where you have to be totally on top of things changing constantly!

I don't think my place will offer part time sadly!

OP posts:
mumofbun · 27/10/2021 15:18

I don't think it's not the done thing because people don't want to, i think it's not done so much because of financial implications in the world we live in.

Have you considered the following:

  • pension contributions
  • any future children/maternity leave
  • getting back into work later in life
  • will you have to pay back any enhanced maternity pay

on the flip side have you included childcare into your calculations - will not returning to work mean you're a bit tight or actually around the same as if you had returned and paid for childcare.

I honestly couldn't face going back when i got to about 6 months in. I'd been planning to take 9 months but extended it to 12. By 12 months i was ready and went back 4 days a week.

HikingforScenery · 27/10/2021 15:19

It’s not fair to make him the sole bread winner suddenly because that’s what you want, especially as he doesn’t want that.

You should be willing to go part time imo

I was a sahp for a few years but it was after I’d returned to work that I realised how much pressure I’d put on my dh and how unfair I’d been to him. My dh was fully supportive of my decision if I shouldn’t have done that, looking back now.
Talk to him and come to a compromise

marykitty · 27/10/2021 15:21

YANBU to want to stay at home but you need to keep it real. Can you afford it? Is your DH on Board? It could breed a lot of resentment.

I would have loved to stay at home until my baby was 1 but we could not afford it, therefore I am back part time, working 3 days per week and i think it was the best decision ever.

Daughterpanic · 27/10/2021 15:22

Of course your not being unreasonable. I can't think of anything more than reasonable than wanting to look after your in dc until they are at least verbal and able to transmit how they feel.

Those years go in an absolute flash.

If you can play it by ear and as baby grows you may want to do a few days back and see where you are then.

I was a sahm for ten years and we were so so short of ££ didn't have any extra at all, certainly no hairdressers, rarely new clothes etc.
It was gruelling at times and ideally, one day, preferably two a week with a break would have been perfect for me. But even though one is 8 it is still feels like a life time ago and I'm back working and loving it.

FlippinFedUp21 · 27/10/2021 15:22

I was very worried about going back to work when my baby was 6 months, but by the time he was 13 months he was ready for nursery and I was ready to go to work!

I went part time and it meant I now have a good work-life balance and I equally enjoy working and having childcare responsibilities.

I think if income is going to be "tight" I would look to go at least part time. Financial difficulties are extremely stressful and if god forbid your DH was made redundant it would be even worse. Two incomes is much better for your financial security.

Kokeshi123 · 27/10/2021 15:23

Here are instructions for being a toddler at home with mum:

  1. Chuck breakfast all over floor
  2. As mum crawls around mopping up reddy brek, toddler off and pull books off the shelves and chuck them all over the place
  3. While mum picks the books up, grab a biro from the kitchen table and start scribbling all over it
  4. As mum tries to get the biro off the kitchen table, run into the bedroom and pull the drawers open and scatter contents all over the room
  5. While mum is trying to clear up the mess in the bedroom, wander off and start exploring the cat litter tray....

etc. etc.

So you try to get out of the house to stop yourself literally losing your mind, only to discover that every thing you try (classes, lunches with other mums) to do costs money, and you made the decision to stay home based on an assumption that somehow the day to day costs of being at home would somehow be zero. And it's so depressing trying to eke out long days feeling guilty about every penny you spend.

You might want to ask what your friends are doing. If most of your mates are going back to work in the next year or so, being at home tends to be either isolating or very expensive (because you wind up shelling out for toddler classes to try to meet other families and have some structure to your day).

Toddler care is sold as fulfillment. It's mostly just housework.

I loved looking after a little baby.

Toddlers drive me up the effing wall.

Think carefully before giving up your job! What about going part-time?

Kokeshi123 · 27/10/2021 15:25

If the work you are in feels like a young person's game, it might not offer great career advancement anyway. Have you thought about doing some retraining and going into another field?

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