To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

Consider all your "middle ground" options too. Do ask about PT, work might surprise you. It may be that you dropping to PT is exactly what they need to fund a load of other people's promotions, or meet some budget cut target or something.

I'm a SAHP now but having a 3 year old and and 18 month old was really tough. Back then, I used to say that going back to work had saved my sanity!

I would advise you not to be a SAHP. Your industry is a young one and you won’t be able to slot back in. Even people I know who went back part time after six months struggled. Would your DH be able to work part time? If you can’t go back part time, I’d look now for a part time job elsewhere. The only people I know who were SAHPs were well paid and had saved up loads of money ahead of time in order to be able to do so.

Reading most of the posts on here it's difficult to know why anyone wants children as they're so keen to get back to work as soon as they can.

If you want to be a stay at home mum and can afford it then why not. How much of your second income will go on childcare and other costs?

Being a SAHM if your partner isn't fully on board is not a good idea OP. He'll resent you for not earning any money, and you'll resent him for not placing enough value and respect on the job of a SAHM.

@BigFatLiar

Reading most of the posts on here it's difficult to know why anyone wants children as they're so keen to get back to work as soon as they can.

If you want to be a stay at home mum and can afford it then why not. How much of your second income will go on childcare and other costs?

But OP can't do it unless her partner is onboard. It has to be in full agreement. And at the moment, it's not.

@BigFatLiar

Reading most of the posts on here it's difficult to know why anyone wants children as they're so keen to get back to work as soon as they can.

If you want to be a stay at home mum and can afford it then why not. How much of your second income will go on childcare and other costs?

Right. That's why most people are back FT as soon as they're out of the hospital, and why it's super super unusual for women to step back, downshift, or drop hours after DC.

Also, your DC need you more at different ages. Obviously, when they are small they need a lot of input but once they get into the swing of kindergarten and primary school you have a good few years where working FT around them is really easy. When they switch to secondary then they seem to need a lot of help too. Thats where we are at at the moment. DS hasn't needed this much mummying for years but I expect this to go down next year and then I'll take on more work.

If you have a DH that doesn't work silly hours and travel then this wouldn't affect you so much. It's so situation dependent that you just really have to see what works for you two and bugger what anyone else thinks. But remember, even though you have to care for your baby you have to care for your relationship too, you're a team, and that means accepting your DH's point of view but not giving up on your needs.

Of course I'm talking from the point of view of someone who has a decent job that I quite like. I fully understand mums that stay full throttle, full time at careers they love or mums that are committed to putting the food on the table. SAHM or PT working mothers are not better, just different.

Having a SAHP was the ideal for us, but both parents need to 100% behind the decision and make the necessary provisions for the unwaged partner.

For goodness sake @BigFatLiar that attitude is ridiculous. Wanting to continue a long established and worked for career while also raising children is a perfectly reasonable request. I worked hard to establish my career which I did long before children and will do long after they fly the nest. You don't have to give up every element of your life and just be 'mum' the second you give birth.
OP I have 2 kids and was worried each time going back to work. I work PT (0.8 WTE after DC1 and now 0.6WTE after DC2) and its brilliant. I get plenty of time with both children but also enjoy my career, enjoy being myself away from the kids and love the financial independence. Around half my salary goes on childcare if you work it out that way (we don't as we pool money obviously!) but its worth every penny.
Do whats right for you. I would consider asking about PT, spending time finding local childcare whether a nursery or childminder that you're really happy with and giving that a go. Nothing is forever, you can change your mind and move jobs, change hours etc. Yes you 'never get the time back' in a sense but I have friends who left work to be SAHP who really miss work and often feel lonely as the majority of mothers work (even if PT or flexibly).
Ultimately you need a sensible honest conversation with DH laying out the options with the financial implications of each and then make a sensible compromise you are both happy with.

Yes to previous comment.
If you have the chance of going back to a job you like I would.
How far is the decision away?
You say six months but by which date need you to decide? A lot can happen in six months.

It’s a big decision and only one that will work if you’re both on board. You should be entitled to ask for flexible working, depending on how long you’ve been there. So maybe a compromise maybe for you to work condensed hours, maybe your DH can do the same and you can divide the childcare between you both?
Good luck with your decision.

@BigFatLiar

Reading most of the posts on here it's difficult to know why anyone wants children as they're so keen to get back to work as soon as they can.

If you want to be a stay at home mum and can afford it then why not. How much of your second income will go on childcare and other costs?

Because most of us don’t see children and paid work as an either/or situation, like most women throughout history.

I would suggest considering changing sector to an organisation who needs your skills and is more family friendly. Or for a charity might be a good starting point. Relying on one income puts you in a very vulnerable position, part time work gives you a safety net

I felt like this at 6 months, but was ready to go back after 13.5 months. I went back full time as my workplace wouldn't offer part time and my role is full time. I do miss my son at times but I think it's good in the long run. We aren't really struggling every month, and if he lost his job for any reason things wouldn't be so bad. I also don't want a big gap in my CV and it's important to keep paying towards my pension. Also, what if something happened to your DP where he could no longer work, or if you divorced? Perhaps he also feels pressured about being the sole earner.

Nothing wrong with it at all. When my first was 6 months i felt the same. By 12 months j was more than ready to go back and I went back part time. I like the balance part time gives. I also don’t like living with things being “tight”. There no right or wrong here. If you want to then do it

It's fine to want to be a SAHP, as long as the SAHP has made an informed decision, both parents are happy with the situation and it's open to review.

There's too many threads on here where SAHP becomes 'it just makes sense, I just want to be with them when they're young.. I don't earn that much' with little thought for the long term. Where is hasn't been thought through, over time issues emerge. E.g. drifting so "until funded childcare" becomes "until school", or the SAHP finds their time out of work affects their ability to get back into their career at the same level, or the SAHP has lost years of pension contributions and they've lost the earning potential.

Evey family has a monetary figure that is needed to run the bare minimum household and a figure for what they'd consider comfortable. Some families don't mind being on the lower figure in order to have one parent at home. Some families would want to keep the income above the comfortable figure. Neither is right or wrong, but both people need to be on board.

The person being the breadwinner has to want to be the breadwinner. If your DH doesn't want to be the sole earner then you can't pressure him to. Nobody should be pushed or guilt tripped into being the breadwinner, just like nobody should be pushed or guilt tripped into being a SAHP.

If you DH isn't happy being a breadwinner and isn't happy about the drop in family income then to me that rules out you being a SAHP.

I don't think YABU, but neither his your DH.

I personally would always advise women to "keep their foot in the door" so as others said go part-time (even if that's one or two days a week). I'm a lawyer and I have seen to many cases of (a) divorce where a woman has given up her career and now is facing to have to get back into work or (b) something terrible happens to the DH breadwinner including Prison sentence, illness, redundancy, where again the wife is desperately trying to get back into work to support the family.

I am also concerned you are saying it would be "tight". Life had a tendency to throw emergencies in and it's always useful to have a buffer if you can.

@LolaSmiles A great summary of the issues at hand. I hope the OP reads

I think there is a mania at the moment for the woman having to go back full time.

Statistically Women still do the majority of housework and child care on top of that.

Take your financial situation into account and also your husbands feelings but at the end of the day do what you want.

You don’t have to find a career fulfilling just because it’s what people happen to be doing at this moment in history. Just as women didn’t always find being a sahm fulfilling in the 1950s.

It can be hard for many to envisage a different way of living to their own.

If society continues to evolve the 5 day week and the 11 hour day won’t continue to be the standard.

The days are long and the years are short.

Of course you want to be at home. Consider how this will feel to be just able to get by one one salary. Will you be able to pop out for lunch or to Starbucks when you fancy? Will you be able to attend those baby groups/ soft play as and when you choose? Will you be able to afford it there and then if the boiler packs up? How will you find things if you have another child? How does your DH feel to have ALL the financial pressure? How do you feel about not having any pension contribution for a while? The fact that he says you should work suggests that he would like you to contribute to the household finances.

My dd is 13 months and I work 2 days a week. It's great for me. In my job, I'd pay tax and student loan if I worked 3 days and be working for roughly £25 take home for that extra day. We can go on holidays, do baby groups, go for dinner and get anything we need simply because I do work.

You must factor in all of the above

It sounds like he's not willing to be the sole earner.

Did you discuss going back full time when you were TTC?

Have you broached the question of part time with work?
Alternatively, is it feasible to go freelance?

No such thing as ‘the done thing’ do what’s best for you and your baby.

I would just add to be way of thinking you can go back to work 'more' when you're little one is at school. I went part time and thought I'd go back to full time when they're both at school. Now they are both at school, I'm finding actually I can't really up my hours because I want to pick them up, the youngest is tired, the oldest wants to go to rainbows, swimming lessons, they both need time to do homework... I wouldn't swap, I'm just saying actually it's not easy to work full time when they're at school either, so you need to plan for that not just think you'll be a sahp then go back full time.

@Tilltheend99

I think there is a mania at the moment for the woman having to go back full time.

Statistically Women still do the majority of housework and child care on top of that.

Take your financial situation into account and also your husbands feelings but at the end of the day do what you want.

You don’t have to find a career fulfilling just because it’s what people happen to be doing at this moment in history. Just as women didn’t always find being a sahm fulfilling in the 1950s.

It can be hard for many to envisage a different way of living to their own.

If society continues to evolve the 5 day week and the 11 hour day won’t continue to be the standard.

But OP wants to be a SAHM. Not go part-time. It’s clear she hasn’t even thought about this other than ‘work won’t let me go part-time’.

Do what you want is akin to forcing her Dh into being the sole breadwinner …

@LolaSmiles

It's fine to want to be a SAHP, as long as the SAHP has made an informed decision, both parents are happy with the situation and it's open to review.

There's too many threads on here where SAHP becomes 'it just makes sense, I just want to be with them when they're young.. I don't earn that much' with little thought for the long term. Where is hasn't been thought through, over time issues emerge. E.g. drifting so "until funded childcare" becomes "until school", or the SAHP finds their time out of work affects their ability to get back into their career at the same level, or the SAHP has lost years of pension contributions and they've lost the earning potential.

Evey family has a monetary figure that is needed to run the bare minimum household and a figure for what they'd consider comfortable. Some families don't mind being on the lower figure in order to have one parent at home. Some families would want to keep the income above the comfortable figure. Neither is right or wrong, but both people need to be on board.

The person being the breadwinner has to want to be the breadwinner. If your DH doesn't want to be the sole earner then you can't pressure him to. Nobody should be pushed or guilt tripped into being the breadwinner, just like nobody should be pushed or guilt tripped into being a SAHP.

If you DH isn't happy being a breadwinner and isn't happy about the drop in family income then to me that rules out you being a SAHP.

This exactly. Thé possibilities have to be looked at throughly.