To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

@wanttostayathome

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. Our relationship is incredibly solid and I do understand I would essentially be relying solely on him to "give me an allowance" as it were.

He's a very wonderful guy and I do think his concerns are from a valid place, my issue is that I just don't see how I can change his mind as my only argument is that I want to be at home for her. I earn enough to make the difference up in childcare and it would be a huge hit on our finances.

As for him wanting to be a stay at home dad, I don't think he could think of anything worse! He loves our daughter endlessly, but he very much couldn't handle crying, feeding, bathing, entertaining all the time - and he's said as much!

I guess I may have to make my peace with it as you're all totally right. This isn't something I'll be able to do unless he's on board.

Ah OP but do you want to be at home “for her” or “with her”? Sounds like I am splitting hairs but I’m not - what if your DH said he’d give up work and be a SAHD “for her”, would you be onboard with that? You say he wouldn’t want to - but what if he changed his mind?

Why don't you just plan to see how you feel at the 12 month mark when your actual mat leave ends? As PP have said, a stroppy toddler is a different ballgame to a fairly settled and easily entertained 6mo. Also everybody feels anxious at the prospect of going back, but most people settle fine and are glad they did. You'll still have 4-5 weeks of annual leave to take at that point, so if you give notice then they can serve as your notice period. Or you can actually go back for a few months and see how you feel. Going back is very easy to change your mind about, you just quit. Quitting now OTOH is a lot more difficult to reverse.

@wanttostayathome

This is my worry, that he's not totally on board with it. When I've tried to bring it up he always says that it'll feel different when I start back. The thought of it is filling me with anxiety though!

I remember having the exact same feelings. The thought of going back was just awful. By the time mine got to a year old, the feelings of horror subsided.

I only went back for 12 hours a week as I still really wanted to spend mad much time as possible with my baby.

Now she’s 5 my hours are still low at 14. They need you at whatever age!

The best thing about going back to work, even for the two very short days I did, was having a hot cup of tea!

Your husband is right in that it will be good for you. But you’re not unreasonable at all to want to do the natural thing and be with your baby.

I work 2 days and have 3 days at home. I would gladly give up the 2 days if I could afford to.

I love being at home. I don’t care that I’m impacting on my career, I want to be at home to raise my children.

Of course you're not unreasonable to want to be a SAHM. I think a lot more people would make that choice than currently do if it was feasible for their families. But of course it has to work for both you and your husband.

Having said that, you said that you have 6 months remaining of your maternity leave. That's a long time! How long have you already had? My maternity leave was 6 weeks. I would have loved to have had 6 months or more!

@Clementineapples

Of course you’re not being unreasonable! If that’s what you want and it’s affordable the go for it. I would assume the vast majority of childcare/housework/cooking would be done by you as the home would be your job. I know lots of people who love being traditional wives

But this would mean forcing her DH into a role he didn't volunteer for. How can that be fair? Why should the women get to decide on her own? Surely this has to be a joint decision?

I missed the bit where you said your husband wasn't on board. Obviously both have to agree on something important like this. Tricky one!

As for him wanting to be a stay at home dad, I don't think he could think of anything worse! He loves our daughter endlessly, but he very much couldn't handle crying, feeding, bathing, entertaining all the time - and he's said as much!

Nobody’s suggesting he actually wants to do it.

They’re just trying to get you to put yourself in his shoes.

How would you feel, if you were suddenly expected to be the sole breadwinner - 100% responsible for all financial contributions, and working full time? If you had that weight on your shoulders?

If your DH isn't on board then it's unfair to pressurise him into being responsible for all the money coming in.
What if you want to buy something frivolous but not entirely necessary? How would that make you feel, "asking" for money for something fun?
And when your child goes to school, what then? You'll have a massive career gap.

Let's face it, plenty of us would love to not work but you can't do it unless your DH agrees. You have every bit as much responsibility to provide for your family financially as he does.

@Embroidery

Its not an 'employment gap'. Employers understand you were rearing a child. It's not like you were in prison, ffs. I have a 6 year gap and I'm now in a high position. My (female) senior manager has an 8 year gap. Managers respect it.

Its not a case of managers respecting it. Maybe you were lucky, maybe it's the field you work I'm and since covid I wouldn't do it.

Other people's choices really don't have any baring on OP as it's her DH which would be the sole bread winner.
Other posters are right OP is not wrong for raising this but if you cannot afford it you have to live within your means we all do.

Honestly I think you sound quiet selfish about this. You don't want to work anymore so you can spend your days with your daughter( which I totally get) but you seem to have zero regard for the pressure it puts on your husband to be the sole provider for the three of ye.. being a mother is about more than just playing with her, it's also about make sure that she is financially secure as well. If you not working puts your family under financial pressure than I think you can't consider it. It's not fair on your dh

Embroidery

Its not an 'employment gap'. Employers understand you were rearing a child.

It's still a gap in your career employment. The fact that you were rearing a child is irrelevant to your work experience, especially as plenty of other parents are also rearing their children and continue to work outside the home while doing so.....

It's unreasonable to expect someone else to fund something just because you want to. Ultimately it should be what's best for the whole family - taking in to consideration both you and DHs mental health (the strain on single earners is huge) and the well-being of your child.

I think part time would be a better compromise based on your DHs views.

Things can change a lot between 6 months and a year.

See what’s possible with regard to part time - you never know.

I'd be looking for part time work elsewhere or to work privately offering social media, website etc services.

Presumably if you can find a part time job that brings the family income up to a good enough level that would be the ideal.

Also, have you discussed how much of your income would go on childcare and how you can make savings when a sahm?

As others have said it needs to be a joint decision. Just say how you’re feeling and see what is said. I personally wouldn’t leave my job, do you want more children? If so you won’t be getting a paid maternity and costs of 2 children on one salary would be a lot. What happens when you need to go back to work? It’s completely natural to be anxious about returning to work, but that eases once you’re back

I gave up my job after having DS. To be honest, he was a convenient excuse as I hated it. I enjoyed mat leave (going to classes, meeting other new mum friends for coffee) but when they all went back to work it became more lonely and I had to really fight to find things to do that brought me new friendships. I went back to a different job when DS was 2.5 and I love it! It's such a family friendly, flexible workplace and, to be honest, by that time, I was needing another outlet as being with a toddler full time is very, very tiring.

All in all, I don't regret the time I spent with him but I'm glad I went back to work when I did.

If dh isn't on board then definitely do give up op.
He will resent you for it and you will always feel beholden to him which isn't a good place to be.
I would do as few hours as possible with the idea of increasing hours as baby gets older. Understand not wanting to go back bit thinking long term l think you would regret giving up work.

@Clementineapples

Of course you’re not being unreasonable! If that’s what you want and it’s affordable the go for it. I would assume the vast majority of childcare/housework/cooking would be done by you as the home would be your job. I know lots of people who love being traditional wives

That's not the usual advice here though is it? From what I've mostly read sahp expect the other parent to share housework 50:50 and the wohp to pick up childcare when they finish work?

@BigFatLiar

Reading most of the posts on here it's difficult to know why anyone wants children as they're so keen to get back to work as soon as they can.

If you want to be a stay at home mum and can afford it then why not. How much of your second income will go on childcare and other costs?

Goodness you must be horrified by the vast majority of men. Do they even want children? Straight back to work, disgraceful.

I’m guessing one of those terrible child-hating work-loving dads is the reason you were able to stay home? Dreadful people but ok when bankrolling you.

OP working parents also ‘raise’ their children. Putting food on the table and a roof over their bed is an essential act of parenting.

@MissTrip82 ‘Bankrolling you’ ffs 🤣Families generally work as a team. The husband isn’t/wouldn’t be bankrolling her.
Absolutely nothing wrong at all with wanting to actually be at home and raise your own child and spend time with it.

I feel disloyal to my children saying becoming a sahm was a mistake because it was what it was and I don't regret the time we spent together but financially it screwed us, my mental health took a definite dive and I lost my earning capacity as my old job moved on so far I would need to re qualify. You definitely lose the sense of who you are, nobody thanks you for your job, you can say it's family pay but it never feels like that so you never have your own money etc. I left work on our third child though. I agree with going pt and keeping your foot in the door

I am a SAHM until my youngest turns 3 (next year). It was a joint decision based on a number of factors are we aren't struggling financially. If my husband wasn't on board / we were going to struggle financially I wouldn't have made this choice.

[quote Whathesaid]@MissTrip82 ‘Bankrolling you’ ffs 🤣Families generally work as a team. The husband isn’t/wouldn’t be bankrolling her.
Absolutely nothing wrong at all with wanting to actually be at home and raise your own child and spend time with it.[/quote]
But they can only be working as a team if they both agree it's for the best. Otherwise the wage earner will feel like they're bank rolling the SAHP.