To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

SpinsForGin
it was only a matter of time before some pointed out the jobs are the wrong jobs
So you think it's just a case of women who have been out of the workplace for a few years to walk into the jobs you've listed. I'm not saying it is impossible but in my professional experience (women's career development is an area I research and teach) it's not quite as simple as people suggest. I see this all the time.
Choosing to leave the labour market for a period of time does have an impact. It isn't that easy to walk into any job especially if you are wanting a job that fits into school hours. These are some of the challenges I know women face:

loads of professional health care roles
Yes, if you have the right qualifications and are prepared to work shifts. Not impossible but not always that family friendly.
lots of lovely flexible part time roles in shops and service economy
True. But they end to be low paid and zero hours contracts. These job are female dominated but there is a huge issue with zero hour contracts and shift work.

loads of farm work
Location dependent and isn't particularly well paid or family friendly.
lorry driving (oh yes, women an do that too),
Great if you have the correct licence but not very family friendly hours.
pretty much the entire hospitality sector
Absolutely. Another female dominated sector but like retail there are issues with zero hour contracts and unsociable hours.
education (still not enough teachers and that’s great for mums)
Again, requires specific qualifications and only works if your out of school care lines up.

It is by no means impossible but promoting the idea that women can just walk back into a job after taking years out isn't helpful for anyone.

SpinsForGin are you conditioned to look for problems rather than solutions?? Hmm. I’m not going to point out or help you here….

DrSbaitsoangry, deranged?

Yes. And a fair few other things too, but I was trying to stay on the right side of the talk guidelines.

‘But in what way does having both parents work outside the home to provide for their children involve men 'having their cake and eating it'?’

It’s not about two parents working per se. What I mean is, I think too many husbands now expect their wives to have children as if it’s nothing; carry on working asap and just deal with it, Often, these days, they won’t even have shared finances with their own wives. This is the mentality. But what we are not seeing is a concomitant change in men’s behaviours. Most of them still fully expect to sail on unimpeded at work and to be able prioritise that and let the wife take all the slack in terms if reduced hours, housework, childcare, pick ups, sick days, etc. So basically women don’t ‘have it all’ in far too many cases. They are just ‘doing it all’ and tragically, too many have convinced themselves that this is now the ‘done thing’ and it’s ‘equality.’ Bollocks is it equality. It’s letting men have their cake and eat it and far too many men are taking the piss. And even worse, women claiming to be feminists are playing right into their hands in the belief that expecting anything from your husband these days is anti/feminist.

I’m quietly chuckling away

No you're not, ffs.

I do believe you are on the wine, though.

@Anotherlongroad

SpinsForGin are you conditioned to look for problems rather than solutions?? Hmm. I’m not going to point out or help you here….

Not at all but this is my specialist area. I teach and research career development and I'm particularly interested in women's career development. I'm just telling you what the data and research shows us.

I've been involved in setting up programmes which are specifically aimed at supporting women back into work. It's important to be realistic about the problems women face and look for solutions.

That list of jobs didn't take into account the very real issues faced by women returning to work after a period of extended absence.
Women should be fully informed about this when they are making decisions about their working patterns.

@DrSbaitso

Stay at home mum here. YANBU. My husband & I had this same conversation. I had just been promoted at work & had a good job with good prospects & a good pension. It was close to home & they would've let me return part time as a job share but I felt a really strong, instinctive desire to be with my baby. It wasn't necessarily the 'sensible' thing to do in practical terms but ten years on I have absolutely no regrets about doing it. My husband eventually agreed because he could see that I was so sure about it & it meant so much to me. You'll never get that time back. There is an organisation called Mothers at Home Matter that focus on the benefits of being a stay at home mum. Raising Babies by Steve Biddulph is great on the developmental benefits for your child of having a stay at home parent. I ended up retraining, when my daughter was 7, for a completely different career that I'm much happier in, something I probably wouldn't have done if I hadn't had that break & a chance to rethink. I'm self employed now & for my work around my family. It's not without its challenges but I loved being a SAHM. Go for it!

DrSbaitso I knew I could rely on you to be a little preachy! Bottoms up!

Oooh Steve Biddulph has got a mention. Get back into the kitchen, women and know your place! BINGO! Cheers

@BettyCarver

Oooh Steve Biddulph has got a mention. Get back into the kitchen, women and know your place! BINGO! Cheers

You beat me to it!!

On a serious note, I would really encourage anyone reading around the subject of early years and child development to just check the credentials of the author. There is so much out there that is written with a particular agenda in mind and is far from impartial or based on robust research.

BettyCarver I’m never happier than in my kitchen with my Aga, my DH keeping me company and cooking dinner with a glass of wine!

@Anotherlongroad

DrSbaitso I knew I could rely on you to be a little preachy! Bottoms up!

Oh please don't misunderstand me, I'm all for getting wasted and enraged at randoms on the internet on a school night.

It's just even better when it's a tragic full-on keyboard bashing full of mad supposition and quickly followed by "tee hee, I'm just having a quiet giggle about how very above this stuff I am!"

As if that'll fool any bugger who's not completely hammered themselves.

Well I’m self-isolating so thanks for the thread.

@DrSbaitso let's get wasted together. You sound fun!

DrSbaitso definitely no getting wasted here. Have to be up early. And it’s not a school night for this mummy and daddy. The kids…well they board. Oh, a few more benefits there I can tell you about 😉

@LoverOfAllThingsPurple

What you were saying was completely clear to normal people. There is a small group of batshit crazy women on here who have been pouncing on comments like yours from the start and completely twisting them. Honestly it isn’t you!

No, thank you paloma, the pleasure was all ours

@Anotherlongroad

DrSbaitso definitely no getting wasted here. Have to be up early. And it’s not a school night for this mummy and daddy. The kids…well they board. Oh, a few more benefits there I can tell you about 😉

That's OK thanks, I don't care. But thank you for this crowning glory in a thread in which you've constantly attempted to berate women for apparently not spending enough time with their kids. It's actually sublime. In fact, it's so perfect that it calls for a celebration. If anyone needs me, I'll be drinking Chardonnay with Betty. We can get three sheets to the wind and you'll make just as much sense.

Aha the good old SAHP vs WOHP "debate" continues, same boring shit, different day.

So OP you seem to have now recognised you fall into the group of people that need 2 parents to work to afford to live. That's a shame if you really wanted to SAH with your kid. I am a SAHP and would not change a thing about it, i knew before I had him, I wanted to be at home with him. It was the absolute best decision for him, for me and for my DH, we would have cut back on everything possible to facilitate it happening as it what we both wanted.

I do thinks it horrible that you want to be there and can't be, but maybe go back full time and look at the part time options around you so you can still earn and spend that little bit more time with them at home while they are tiny. I think that will be the best balance and compromise for your situation.

Social media surely you can work from home (and put kid in nursery) or do part time? X

@Anotherlongroad

DrSbaitso definitely no getting wasted here. Have to be up early. And it’s not a school night for this mummy and daddy. The kids…well they board. Oh, a few more benefits there I can tell you about 😉

You’re kidding us, right? Please say you’re joking about boarding school.

Cringe, isn't it!!

DrSbaitso I see lots of my kids and attend twice weekly sports fixtures which I couldn’t do if I worked. Oh, lots of other parents do too…mums and dads. Thing is, my DH decided that it was so good having me home, he appreciated it that much that he wanted me to stay. He gave be ownership of half his business and we go together to school to watch sport and see the kids. Our weekends, when the kids come home (not every week) are homework free and the kids have can absolute ball. Everyone is delighted with it (and the kids used to do ‘day school’ so they DO have a comparison) and all in all, it’s the perfect solution.