Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Fetarabbit · 27/10/2021 16:34

It's not unreasonable to want to be a SAHM, but the reality is that without the support of DH being prepared to be the sole earner, then it won't work.

Wnikat · 27/10/2021 16:34

Well, you could pitch it to him that you'll do all the cooking, cleaning, night wakes, DIY, house organisation and have his tea on the table every night when he comes in and that you'll be happy about it. I'd be quite up for that if my husband suggested it.

nevernomore · 27/10/2021 16:34

Don't underestimate the importance of your own financial independence. I see your career is not one you could return to. If you do leave, do it with a clear and achievable plan in mind to retrain in a another field.
Women end up in terrible situations if they have no career and their marriages end.

RubertRoo · 27/10/2021 16:35

@milissa

I would have said the same at six months. But I went back to work when DD was 13 months and have been back a few months now, and I'm really glad.
Agree with this. I did the same and handed my notice in at work when she was 9 months. My boss told me to think about it for a couple of months so I did and ended up going back 2 days a week when DD was 14 months old. I'm so glad I did. 2 days is a perfect balance of spending enough time at home and keeping some financial independence/ adult conversation
TheKeatingFive · 27/10/2021 16:36

Well, you could pitch it to him that you'll do all the cooking, cleaning, night wakes, DIY, house organisation and have his tea on the table every night when he comes in and that you'll be happy about it. I'd be quite up for that if my husband suggested it.

This feels like dangerous territory tbh

Chelyanne · 27/10/2021 16:37

YANBU but you need him to be on-board with it too.

I became a sahm after maternity with our 2nd. I was pregnant with 3rd and I was made redundant so would have needed to find a new job not just return and childcare was too expensive. DH was in full agreement and advanced his career to make us more comfortable financially.

Wheelz46 · 27/10/2021 16:41

You are not being unreasonable for wishing to be a SAHM and your husband is not unreasonable for wishing you to return to work.

Ultimately, it has to be a joint decision. Perhaps you could reach a compromise and work reduced hours.

To see his point of view, if he came to you and said he would like to be a SAHD, how would that make you feel?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/10/2021 16:43

YANBU to feel like this but you would be unreasonable not to sit down and discuss it with your husband. Plenty of people have felt like you and regret it. I think you need to consider -

Money. If you cant get back into your career now what will you do later? Will this cover wraparound for the 30 free hours? What are you going to do about your pension?

Future children. Do you want just one or would you consider having more? As if you have more then presumably you wouldn't go back til the eldest was in pre school and that's quite a few years out the workforce. All the financial considerations are magnified, for example you wont get any mat pay. You wouldnt be able to afford childcare for the eldest so you can have any time alone wfh the youngest. Costs of wraparound care if you do go back to work are doubled.

If you were off how would you split chores. How would you organise finances? What would your weekends look like in terms of hobbies, time off etc.

If you go back to work though make sure he is committed to being an equal parent, dont fall into the trap of being the default parent eg the only one who can settle your daughter if she is ill in the night, or the default person in charge of the house, because its very hard to do this and work full time. If you do go back he needs to do equal chores, child stuff, cooking, mental load, nursery pick ups and drop offs and taking emergency leave when your child is sick

As others have said, looking after a 6 month old baby is fun, they are engaging, they nap more reliably but still portable, you can still meet friends for coffee etc. All that will change, looking after a toddler in the winter for example when they have a cold and are clingy and tantrums etc is a lot different. You do need to be out and about all the time and doing activities. They are more messy and more frustrating than a baby.

I never felt like I wanted to be a SAHP but I was devastated to leave my baby when I went back to work. It was only after I'd been back at work a while though I realised I felt like my old self again and the weird thing was I didnt even feel like I was missing anything, it was only after a few months back I realised that I felt properly like me again and I wish I'd known that beforehand. But I realise this doesn't apply to everyone.

I'd say talk to your husband but go in with an open mind. My husband said he found being the sole earner when I was on mat leave, a lot of pressure, and he felt like the different dynamic would have changed our relationship if it was long term, and those are valid feelings. If he has genuine money worries, then listen to him and work out how you could get round that. Don't fall into the 'well I only earn x after childcare so it's not worth it's trap - remember there is pension and keeping your earning potential high to take into account (it is more likely you will take a salary cut after a few years out the workforce but your salary will rise in it) and childcare is a shared expense, a household is better off usually with 2 medium earners than one high equivalent due to tax and benefit reasons. Remember nothing is set in stone, you can go back to work and give it a few months and if you still hate it you know that you tried it and there is nothing to stop you re assessing it then. Also don't assume your work wont let you go part time - ask. If they say no then you know where you are. Again both of you dropping or condensing days may be an option. There might be other solutions you haven't thought of

Embroidery · 27/10/2021 16:43

I was a sahm for 5 years. Loved every minute and my son is very happy and healthy. The money boost when I eventually went back was wonderful. I have never felt so rich.
Dont live to work, work doesnt love you.

Bothyboo · 27/10/2021 16:44

@TheKeatingFive

Well, you could pitch it to him that you'll do all the cooking, cleaning, night wakes, DIY, house organisation and have his tea on the table every night when he comes in and that you'll be happy about it. I'd be quite up for that if my husband suggested it.

This feels like dangerous territory tbh

I assume the poster was being facetious about the reality of being a SAHP, as in it’s not just looking lovingly at your baby.
LoveGrooveDanceParty · 27/10/2021 16:44

@wanttostayathome

This is my worry, that he's not totally on board with it. When I've tried to bring it up he always says that it'll feel different when I start back. The thought of it is filling me with anxiety though!
And the thought of being the sole breadwinner is possibly filling him with anxiety.

I did it for a brief period, and the weight of responsibility is immense.

It needs to be a joint decision where you’re both OK with it. It’s not just about whether you can afford it, at all.

I find on here that many SAHP advocates are quick to assure you you’re in the right to want this (fine), but bizarrely dismissive of what being a sole breadwinner entails. Down-playing it, and unwilling to recognise the breadwinner’s responsibilities, load, and possible real anxiety. Not fine.

Most people would love not to work (isn’t wining the lottery the ultimate dream of most - men and women) - but the money has to come from somewhere.

SirChenjins · 27/10/2021 16:46

It has to be a joint decision as others have said - one person can’t unilaterally decide they’re going to give up work and make the other the breadwinner, esp in today’s climate when the job market can be precarious. You’re really leaving yourself in a financially vulnerable position if something goes wrong and long term your pension contributions will suffer massively.

It’s perfectly normal to feel anxious about going back to work - but money worries are going to make you far more anxious. If you really don’t think p/t is an option then maybe try for other options eg job share, or compressed hours, or term time contracts? Alternatively you could give yourself a year in your old job and try to find something else - and by that time you might quite like getting away from a toddler!

Remember that you still raise your baby when you’re working - millions of us do.

DGFB · 27/10/2021 16:46

There is no way I’d give up stable income.. you higher never get it back. And also, money being tight is fine when they’re little and don’t need much, it’s much less fine when they are teenagers and need money for adult clothes and social lives and football boots.
It’s so unfair on your DH to force him into being sole breadwinner if that’s not what he wants.. it could end up being forever. What if he lost his job?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/10/2021 16:46

Sahp is something that both parties must agree on. You can't say I will not earn money, you must financially provide for me.

You do need to be clear with him that both of you working outside the home means you each do half of all things domestic. So housework, cooking, taking days off when the child is sick. He can't be allowed to think you both work outside the home but you get stuck with the majority of the home stuff too.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/10/2021 16:46

Also as unlikely as it may seem you do need a back up plan if you become a SAHP and your marriage ends. You dont want to be in a position of staying with someone who you have fallen out with etc because you cant afford to leave. Whether that's keeping your foot in the door of a career or having a running away fund or retraining in something, make sure you have something. It doesnt mean you arent secure in your relationship

Fluffymule · 27/10/2021 16:47

It's not unreasonable for you to want to be a full time SAHP, so you should also consider it would not be unreasonable for your husband to also want to be a full time SAHP.

How would you feel if he came back and stated this as his wish? Would you honestly be 100% supportive? Would you feel this was a conversation that should have taken place before you had children? Would you worry about how your family could afford to live in this scenario? Would you be happy being the sole earner?

I'd consider your totally honest answers to these questions and then start a conversation with your husband with that insight in mind when you broach the subject of returning to work, or not.

Your marriage should be a partnership and that means recognising that whilst compromising might be painful at times, it does work both ways.
Carrying full financial responsibility for a family unit is a big undertaking, so his reticence is understandable.

Embroidery · 27/10/2021 16:48

Toddlers are great.
Pp on here are giving them a bad press.

Toddlers are entertained by anything, libraries, parks, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers, supermarkets, playgroups, passing dogs, passing horses, trees, playgrounds, museums, ducks, and then there are meals or just cake at cafes, playcentres, lunch at playcentres, meals at home, blessed naptime. Its all good. I miss my little buddy, (whos now 13 and taller than me)

tickledtiger · 27/10/2021 16:49

Don’t blame you OP, would love to be a SAHM myself.

The problem for me is that my job will be seriously difficult to get back into if I leave it right now. I also worry about resentment from my husband years ahead (even though we have a great marriage) as well as financial difficulties which could possibly come up.

tickledtiger · 27/10/2021 16:52

I should add that my DH would be happy for me to be a SAHM (he has even suggested it) but I still worry about future resentment.

idontlikealdi · 27/10/2021 16:55

You can want what you want as long as you DH or partner is happy to shoulder financial responsibility and earns enough. Tight but doable wasn't fun for me plus I value my career and my financial independence (not saying you don't!).

I went pt until dts went to school and it was a perfect balance for us.

Embroidery · 27/10/2021 16:58

@nevernomore

Don't underestimate the importance of your own financial independence. I see your career is not one you could return to. If you do leave, do it with a clear and achievable plan in mind to retrain in a another field. Women end up in terrible situations if they have no career and their marriages end.
Not if theyre married they dont. Most times the woman gets the house and very healthy monthly maintenance settlement.

Also re returning to work - your opinion is an untrue and unkind myth.
Its quite easy to return after being a sahm and happens all the time for women to return to the workplace. Look around you! Employers value you as returning from being sahm, and you bring a lot of skills to the table.
If youre a professional (teacher, doctor, dentist lawyer, accountant) you just go back v easily. Literally slide back in, get first job you apply for etc.

If private sector they still value sahm time. If you ask most women over 40 in the workplace, esp those in senior management, they had years off for kids.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/10/2021 17:00

It’s so risky, anything could go wrong in the future and you’ve got an employment gap.

It’s better to have an income.

girlmom21 · 27/10/2021 17:00

Not if theyre married they dont.
Most times the woman gets the house and very healthy monthly maintenance settlement.

Once the divorce is settled, maybe, but how many married women come here and say they can't afford to leave their abusive husbands because they have no money of their own and need to ask for money whenever they want to buy something?

HiJenny35 · 27/10/2021 17:01

I did, went back after my first part time, still hated being away from her, never went back after my second. Luckily my partner saw how miserable I was and how much work it was with us both working and was very happy for me to stay at home so we could have less money but a happier life. I stayed off till full time school and loved every minute, never felt bored or miserable or like I was missing out on an adult life. If he agrees then go for it. Its 5 years of your life and you will never get that time when they change so quickly again.

Tittyfilarious81 · 27/10/2021 17:03

yandu ,I'm sahm I have been for 15 years but my husband is completely on board with it. You need your husband to completely support it or it won't work op .