To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

I think its ok to have raised jt and to ask to explore with your DH as to whether this option might be right for your family.

There is a lot to sit down together and work out. Do you own your home? If not how do you get that financial security? Do you have 1/2 pretty new cars that are unlikely to need replacing say in the next 5 yrs whilst you would be a sahp. Is there enough income to give you a small entertaining the kids/baby groups budget per week. Also enough money for a haircut a couple of times a year, a new winter coat or boots each winter. And the occasional evening out or lunch with friends/coffee and cake. You need a small personal budget for these items that may need to come from your husbands salary. Otherwise read the threads of misery from those who have to have every small purchase approved by DH and have to beg for a new winter coat.

I think you need to work out all the facts and weigh this up with his and your strong emotional reaction.

Id also go into it fully informed. And id have the chat with work about what is and isn't possible.

Childcare costs and jointly incurred and should not only be leveraged against a mothers salary. But also a fathers. Would he go 4 days and you go 4 days?

If you were a sahp (given he isnt keen) would he expect you to do all childcare and cooking and cleaning? Have and set very clear expectations. Again read the many threads of despair of women who have become family slaves.

Yanbu. DS is 15 months old and I'm off until he's 3. I was fully expecting to go back to work when he was 14 months old and even applied for nurseries. I changed my mind and wanted to spend his early years with him as I really hated never seeing my parents when I was young. We can afford it and DH is supportive so it was easy for us. It's hard when there's conflicting viewpoints. Discussion with your DH is needed, be completely open. Neither of you is wrong but you need to get on the same page.

I can’t see that it’s even an option if the OP’s DH is not onboard. I wonder how she’d feel
If he says he wants to give up work to stay at home with the baby.

Its not an 'employment gap'. Employers understand you were rearing a child. It's not like you were in prison, ffs.
I have a 6 year gap and I'm now in a high position. My (female) senior manager has an 8 year gap. Managers respect it.

I did it and never regretted it. Those years at home were so precious to me. My DH was on £26k and we made it work. I don't get fulfillment or identity from my job though so it was easy to make that decision. DH was supportive either way.

Ultimately it's a joint decision. If your DH isn't on board then you need to find a compromise that works for both of you.

I thought exactly the same when they were 6 months. Sitting there, smiling, all they needed was me.

When they were 18 months, mobile and often trashing the joint, actively rejecting me and tantrums for fun, I thought much differently.

Personally, I would try and find something that at least earned up to my tax free allowance and if you can freelance that should be possible.
I had 3 close together and slowly reduced my hours, had a year not working at all when all 3 were preschool and then worked one long day initially and slowly built up my days again. No regrets looking after them when little. Some people do not enjoy it but I loved it.

Argh this is tricky - I am a SAHM so absolutely understand why you want to do it (and would totally recommend it, I’ve been doing it 4.5 years and it has gone so fast, but I have loved it, although oh my God it’s hard going sometimes) however, my DH was totally on board from Day One, in fact we had kind of decided that’s what we would want to do before we were even married. We ‘practised’ living on one wage while I was still working, we planned it, and DH really, genuinely values my role as being equal to his. I think it only works so well in our circumstance because we are both supportive of and grateful for each other’s entirely different (but not unequal) input to our family. I think it would be a very difficult life to live if your DH was not 100% on board and made you feel as if you weren’t pulling your weight etc. I’m not sure how you get him on board if he isn’t already…

Not if theyre married they dont. Most times the woman gets the house and very healthy monthly maintenance settlement.

Also re returning to work - your opinion is an untrue and unkind myth. Its quite easy to return after being a sahm and happens all the time for women to return to the workplace. Look around you! Employers value you as returning from being sahm, and you bring a lot of skills to the table.
If youre a professional (teacher, doctor, dentist lawyer, accountant) you just go back v easily. Literally slide back in, get first job you apply for etc.

you're adorable. Really, most women "get the house" and healthy spousal maintenance? Hahahahahaha! If the woman can't pay the mortgage alone, the house gets sold. Spousal maintenance is practically nonexistent now except in the case of very high earners. The majority of men pay no or the bare minimum child maintenance, forget spousal.

A few professions are stable enough and have enough of a skills shortage to be fairly easy to return to. Doctor, dentist and teacher are three. Most women are not doctors, teachers or dentists. Actual statistics show that a) the majority of women who have significant time out of work never get back to the salary level they left on, much less exceed it; b) women have a huge pension gap compared to men, even after those oh so lucrative divorces that set them up for life.

Sahm here. Pro's and cons to both. If it feels right to you and you can make it work, why not. You don't get a re-run. Works for us weighed it all up and decided it was a good idea for our family.

I felt like this.

But I did go back, I negotiated 2 days pw, had to change role within the organisation to do so. I cried a lot for the first few days but then settled and started to enjoy and appreciate my days at home even more as it wasn't FT.

16 years on, I am soooooo glad I went back! I gradually added more hours but still only do 4 days. It would have been very hard to get a similar level PT job in another organisation. I'm thinking a lot about retirement lately and am so glad my pension is healthy.

I strongly recommend requesting PT and not giving up altogether.

I felt exactly the same as you, op. I totally didn’t expect to and before Dd, I thought nothing could be worse and more boring than being at home with a baby. I worked my whole life, from part time, aged 14, through college and uni and full time until I had her later in life (finally pregnant at 39)
I just absolutely knew I didn’t want to put her in nursery. Until covid hit, I still did a small
amount of hours part time, when dp got home from work to take over.
We’ve sacrificed things financially, I used to buy clothes every month, a lot of clothes, perfume, beauty treatments, book mini breaks away without a thought, meals out etc etc. Now I have had the same winter and summer wardrobe for the last three years, more or less and we’ve had a couple of weekends away nearby. We’ve not done any improvements to the house etc, but we’ve got by and we’ve been okay. I was lucky in that my employer totally understood and when I’m ready to return, they’ll be a position, possibly less hours though and a step down work wise, but I’m ok with that.
If you can manage and you can somehow keep in with your career, go for it. You’ll never get these years back 💐

My two pence worth from my experience

-It 100% has to be a joint decision and he has to think long and hard about the pressure he may feel about being the sole breadwinner
-You need to be confident your relationship is rock solid as you are putting yourself in a potentially vulnerable situation financially should anything go wrong
-you need to be clear about distribution of workload in the house.

It was the right thing for us and worked well most of the time - we had a few blips but it was mostly around each other’s expectations and we sorted it out each time.

Finally, you will be 100% judged by some for doing it so be prepared for that.

This isn’t a ‘should I, shouldn’t I go back to work’ thread though - this is about the OP’s DH not being on board with a situation that puts them in a tight, precarious position, He sounds very sensible.

Do it! I loved every minute of it, didn't miss any of their milestones or school events and am still a SAHM now they're 13 and 11! (Although I've sort of taken early retirement now as I'm 50 this year and don't really want to get back into starting all over again.

For us the fact that the children would spend the majority of their waking hours with nursery /child minder staff was not what we wanted. We wanted to have a greater influence on what kind of people they became than we would if I worked full time and this weighed heavier than the salary. But it was a joint decision. Sounds like you need to talk more deeply with your dh about the driving factors behind his view and your view.

@TopCatsTopHat We felt the same

I stayed at home the first five years of DD's life, but luckily it was something DH was fully onboard with as he wanted one/both of us to spend as much time bringing up DD as we could. Money was tight, we found we enjoyed simple things like going to the park, going on a woodland walk and DD kicking up the leaves in the autumn. We didn't really have anyone to babysit so we made the effort on a Saturday night to cook a nice meal for eachother. We had one tough year when DH had to change his job and was earning just about the benefit threshold - in retrospect this for good for us as we learnt how to live life and cut back if needed.

I knew I was lucky to stay at home, I spent as much time with DD as possible but felt I wanted to take on all the household and any gardening I could physically do, so we had more quality time together as a couple and family.

@SirChenjins

This isn’t a ‘should I, shouldn’t I go back to work’ thread though - this is about the OP’s DH not being on board with a situation that puts them in a tight, precarious position, He sounds very sensible.

Exactly. 90% of the replies on this thread are useless. OP is asking how to convince her DH to let her stay at home.

The answer is well she needs to show him the benefits. Whether they can afford it run the numbers.

Until they do that nobody’s in a position to offer any more advice.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. Our relationship is incredibly solid and I do understand I would essentially be relying solely on him to "give me an allowance" as it were.

He's a very wonderful guy and I do think his concerns are from a valid place, my issue is that I just don't see how I can change his mind as my only argument is that I want to be at home for her. I earn enough to make the difference up in childcare and it would be a huge hit on our finances.

As for him wanting to be a stay at home dad, I don't think he could think of anything worse! He loves our daughter endlessly, but he very much couldn't handle crying, feeding, bathing, entertaining all the time - and he's said as much!

I guess I may have to make my peace with it as you're all totally right. This isn't something I'll be able to do unless he's on board.

@wanttostayathome

In terms of what I do, it's not something I think I could leave and come back to. I work in social media and it already feels like a young persons game where you have to be totally on top of things changing constantly!

I don't think my place will offer part time sadly!

AFAIK the law is now that it’s the employer who has to show that going part time is not possible if you ask for it. That said, if you think they wouldn’t be keen, would you really want to work under that?

I’ve seen too many threads on mumsnet where women have gone SAH then husband has left and they are in the shit. I’m sure you believe that will never happen to you, but literally 1000s of women before you have said that. Woman goes SAHM > husband feels pressure / resentful > woman loses her identity and becomes “mum” > woman becomes resentful that she’s expected to do everything cos she’s not working > husband wants to go on nights out but they can’t afford it > …… you get the picture.

I’d keep working to give me an outside interest and to not 100% rely on someone else to provide it.

social media does sound loke a role where you could WFH fpr added flexibility?
Do check your contract to make sure no awkward clauses arounf not returning.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable! If that’s what you want and it’s affordable the go for it.
I would assume the vast majority of childcare/housework/cooking would be done by you as the home would be your job.
I know lots of people who love being traditional wives