To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

It’s normal to feel anxious when going back after mat leave. A few weeks in it starts to feel like the new normal.

If you stay in work you keep paying your pension and you keep your career (you don’t say what you do) and your financial independence.

I’m coming out the other end of this now as the only person who went back FT after DC1 in my friendship group and the majority of my SAHP friends are desperate to get back to work but can’t find a job, their DH have climbed the ladder and now their salary is indispensable so everything child related falls to them. The family unit didn’t plan on the wife never returning to work so the husband is resentful of the wife not earning anything. Some have divorced.

I am so pleased I kept my job now. I hated it initially, especially when you get the “you’ll never get this time back” brigade lecturing you. But my kids are as happy as any with SAHP and have a strong female role model and parents who treat each other as equals.

I know that’s not what you asked but this really isn’t a decision to take lightly or force upon your husband.

YANBU to want to but YABU to just expect your DH to be OK with being the sole earner for your convenience/pleasure. What if he said he wanted to be a SAHD? I mean, I get where you’re coming from, I’d prefer not to work but I wouldn’t be able to have the things I do. DH is retired and would pay for things like food/utilities but if I want luxuries; hair done, days out, clothes etc. I need to earn money to pay for them.

Many women feel the same way especially when their baby is that young. I’d say give it time and see how you feel later in on your maternity leave. Your DH is absolutely right - it’s good to stay in the game if you can, and have some sort of life away from your baby and keep up skills that earn you money.
No one wants to think this, but what would happen in the case of a divorce? If you chose not to return, would you be able to find a job easily if, say, four years down the line your marriage broke down and you were a single parent?

Social media should have lots of opportunities for freelance. I'm a marketing director and have used freelance social consultants in the past.

I totally understand your feelings, however I think it would be wise to have a consultancy plan in place so you can control your hours/days. I was doing 3 days a week for a few years when my first 2 DC were tiny and the balance was perfect for me.

@Kokeshi123

Here are instructions for being a toddler at home with mum:

1. Chuck breakfast all over floor
2. As mum crawls around mopping up reddy brek, toddler off and pull books off the shelves and chuck them all over the place
3. While mum picks the books up, grab a biro from the kitchen table and start scribbling all over it
4. As mum tries to get the biro off the kitchen table, run into the bedroom and pull the drawers open and scatter contents all over the room
5. While mum is trying to clear up the mess in the bedroom, wander off and start exploring the cat litter tray....

etc. etc.

So you try to get out of the house to stop yourself literally losing your mind, only to discover that every thing you try (classes, lunches with other mums) to do costs money, and you made the decision to stay home based on an assumption that somehow the day to day costs of being at home would somehow be zero. And it's so depressing trying to eke out long days feeling guilty about every penny you spend.

You might want to ask what your friends are doing. If most of your mates are going back to work in the next year or so, being at home tends to be either isolating or very expensive (because you wind up shelling out for toddler classes to try to meet other families and have some structure to your day).

Toddler care is sold as fulfillment. It's mostly just housework.

I loved looking after a little baby.

Toddlers drive me up the effing wall.

Think carefully before giving up your job! What about going part-time?

This made my laugh so loud because it is absolutely SPOT ON! Life with a toddler is crazy

Yanbu for not wanting to go back, but you need to discuss this properly with your DH.

My baby will be 10 months in December when I go back. DH and I discussed me not returning to work at all but it would be too tight so we compromised and I'm going back part time.

To put it in perspective, you have a 6 month old baby- toddlers are a diff ball game, you might relish some independence away from the house- once they start walking and tantruming then it’s not all fun and laughter.
Your husband does have to be on board though, equally if you return to work he has to take on 50% of the chores and childcare- the first illnesses in childcare won’t be covered by you rushing to the nursery or childminder.

I did it for 4 years and it was hard but mostly because my DH was working abroad for a lot of it and I had to manage a house build and 2 moves (all in a foreign country and DH was working in other countries).

I worked full time for a few years and due to DH's work plus mine we were permanently hanging by a thread! I'm now working 4 hours a week, ideally I'd go to 10 and that is perfect for us.

I'm busy everyday. DH has no time for housework/ house management/ pets/ homework and cooking but he likes having these these things being done, he values my role. I found SAHM lonely as DS got older and so I love still having a hand in my work as it's very social (education).

I would say if you have enough money and enough things to keep you busy then go for it but be prepared to not fall into the role of housemaid/ nanny. It will wreck your relationship if you feel resentful or if your DH gets complacent about you. I'd honestly recommend part time as the best option.

This has to be a conversation with your husband and you.

I say this as I have a friend who is a SAHP and she gave up work with her 2nd - one is now at uni and the other in her final GCSE year. She has no intention of going back to work as she has to many hobbies and is busy. Her husband has made sure during the years that he has paid into a pension for her and money shared. Sadly during Covid he lost his job and struggled to get a new one and now is on alot less - their marriage is struggling and resentment settling in :(

My husband was happy for it to be my choice - I choose to go back to work and we both share parenting responsibilities. We’ve attended every school event and have never missed a special day. We both prioritise our children second to our jobs. I think he’s a better father for it as he had to step up.

But it’s your family choice and long term plans - do what’s right for the whole family.

It doesn’t sound as if your DH is onboard at all.

When your baby starts crawling and pulling everything apart, is hard to entertain, around 9 months you might feel different. I said the same at 6 months. DD is a dream. But this age is hard, and it’s only going to get harder.
Part time would be a good compromise. (My DD is now 9 months!)

Your baby is still young. At 6 months I didn't want to go back to work either. She got to 8 months and I suddenly craved some mental stimulation.
I now work 2 days (long) a week and it's the perfect balance of being me and raising the kids

Keep an open mind, you may decide you definitely don't want to go back but maybe part time is a perfect compromise with your partner too.

With your additional information it sounds like if you left the workplace then you would not be able to re-enter in the same industry or the same earning level.

I can understand your DH being reluctant as it doesn’t sound like it will be a few years out, it sounds like your household will not have disposable income to have nice things in perpetuity, which is a lot to face.

Would you have to pay back enhanced maternity?
I’m wondering if you could use time out to also re-skill. Government are funding lots of digital boot camps at the moment- with your background in social media and some more IT skills maybe you could do part time freelance?

YANBU to want more time with your child, however it's more than just your decision and if you disagree with your partner then the answer is COMPROMISE. Compress hours to 4 days a week? Part time?

It is a big pressure to have the financial wellbeing of the household put solely onto your shoulders. Especially as its only 'tight' and 'probably doable'

If you were my partner I'd have you sign something stating that in the event of separation or divorce you wouldn't seek a disproportionate split of assets and go after my pension because at the end of the day you've willingly and deliberately put yourself in this situation that could effect your career and earnings potential for years to come

I think it's a lot to be honest and actually pretty selfish to expect the other parent to be the sole bearer financially for the whole family

Work out the family income after childcare costs on full and part time scenarios. If it makes a significant difference it will be worth going back to work, if not then it may be the more sensible choice staying home. I've done a mix over the years of being a sahm and working mum. The best solution for us was me working 16hrs around my partners shifts and using 15hr funded childcare from age 3yr. I was doing care work at that time though for money not as a career so wasn't bothered about keeping up with the workplace.

I'm now a single mum working full time and would love the chance to be a sahm again. So exhausted. I'd take the option in a heart beat these days lol.

Well, if your professional life is around social media/social media marketing, might this be a good time to think how you could do that freelance? Can you run start-up/charity/small business social media platforms for them? help them maximise their impact? Could you teach your skills?

I recently employed someone to help me with a blog. She charged an hourly rate on a par with private tutors (so, in our area, around £40 p/h) and she is building up a business that she can fit around childcare.

Could you use some of your maternity leave to research the potential demand and come up with a business plan that might reassure your husband that he will not be the sole earner and that you won't lose your mind at home alone?

It puts a lot of pressure on him to be the sole earner - I see his concerns. Part time work is a good compromise, if not at your current place of work then perhaps somewhere else.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM, but you need to find a solution that your whole family is comfortable with.

Honestly you being a SAHM doesn't sound like a goer. You will not get back into that field at all with time out so you'll have to retrain and start at the bottom again, your household will be significantly worse off by your description, and your DH isn't keen, which would put you at big risk of straining your marriage.

I think your work has to give you a good reason to refuse flexible working now. Didn't the law change recently?

I was a sahm when mine were babies. DH preferred it as well, because we never had to pay childcare or worry about them getting sent home from nursery with a cold or anything like that. We have NO help or input from family, like a lot of people, so it was nice for the kids to have someone at home with them all the time. Also, household admin was better because I was always around to do it.

I'm back at work now and haven't really struggled to get back, but then my industry isn't one that moves quickly like social media.

It's a really personal choice. But, as others have said, your dh really needs to be on board as otherwise it will just lead to resentment.

Leaving the workforce now does not necessarily mean leaving it for ever. I know so many women (myself included) who left full-time, long-hours, high-pressure jobs when they had babies, and subsequently transitioned to freelance careers, consulting or more easygoing work when their kids reached school age. It's quite nice to do something different for a living, in a different stage of life, if you can manage it.

I agree with a part time approach if that's at all possible for you. Depending on your job, commute, hours etc. cutting down to four days and perhaps doing 2 days from home could also be an option, but that's only of any real benefit if you have a longer commute and it saves the amount of time your DC is in childcare.

What would happen if your husband lost his job? Do you have savings and is the industry you work in one that's easy to slot back into after a prolonged absence? The same goes for what if something awful happened to your husband - either death or disability which made him unable to work?

I know you can't live your life imagining the worst, but you really do have to have a good think about these things to make an informed decision. Ultimately, the decision is yours though and there is no 'done thing'.

Could you test the finances out in the meantime by not spending any of your mat leave income and seeing how you go?

Could you do something different that is part time? Just so you have some money coming in? Having a bit of time working, away from your dc is not so bad, it’ll probably make you appreciate the time you have with them all the more.

YANBU to want this and people do this.

you have to have lots of discussions about pros & cons so you can achieve a compromise you can both sign up to

best of luck