To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

Not contradictory or shouty. My comment has been misinterpreted. If it worked for you that’s fine, but it hasn’t for so many. It’s getting tiring explaining and having things twisted out of context. Keep going, I’m away to spend time with my kids after work. Peace out

My point was why have kids if a parent has to work all the time and not actually see them. Not that they weren’t allowed to have kids just because they work. Please try to interpret my comment properly.

But nobody has said they are at work all the time! This is just a shitty comment and you know it.

@BettyCarver just because it worked well for you, doesn’t mean it worked well for so many others. Nothing to spit out. I was merely defending so many families who face the struggle. Keep twisting my comment out of context. Peace out

BettyCarver well done you. Your kids turned into such “wonderful adults” that you have so much time to spend on this forum…because why? Well , you weren’t spending Saturday or Sunday with them were you? You were here nearly all the time! Did you condition your children to only work or else do something other than spend time with the family? Given you have “adult” children, it’s amazing how invested you are in this. It would be like me advising on disposable vs cloth nappies now. I don’t give a damn. Leave everyone to make their own decisions because your experience is a little old hat. Guess what? There are currently around one million job vacancies in this country so I reckon you can take your concern about women getting back to work and shove it. Maybe there couldn’t be a better time for a woman to take a career break for a few months.

@SpinsForGin not at all. My comment was bringing to the point that some families (and mums) struggle with the balance of work and home life. Poverty is a huge issue, and millions of working families are affected too.

[quote LoverOfAllThingsPurple]@SpinsForGin My original post made no accusations. How do they manage it? By the time they’ve finished work, they have around 2/3 hours a night? But then you got to remember homework and bedtime routines. Not to mention making the dinner and sitting down five minutes as well. How do they manage that? I know a few women in successful well, paid roles, but where does that come in to it? They also have help with childcare and have sacrificed some of their Childrens firsts to get where they are. I also know how NOT EASY it is to get back in to work after having kids, finding hours or an employer who accepts the fact you have kids and need hours to work around them. Or how about finding a work/home life balance? It seems to me people have misinterpreted my comment to suit issues they have had. My argument WAS FOR the working mother and working parents and how unfair the working world can be when it comes to it.[/quote]
It's not that much of a mystery surely, millions of people do it. Admittedly it's easier if your partner also helps with homework, stuff around the house like cooking dinner and time off when they're poorly; but seen as though they're their children too, why shouldn't they. DS is with the childminder from 8am to 4pm because I drop him off (DH starts earlier) and he does pick up. He is home by quarter past 4, I get back at around half 4 and one of us does dinner whilst the other plays with DS. We then have a few hours before bed, and then time in the evening to spend together or get stuff done- I do most of the washing etc on Sunday afternoons so it's really just light chores during the week that don't take long. It's fine. DS absolutely loves the setting, they go for walks, to national trust places, parks, meet with other childminders, crafts, cooking, singing, different topics and activities- its lovely. He's very happy, I'm happy, DH is happy.

In regards to firsts, well I was on maternity leave for first steps, first words etc- also I am chuffed to bits when he learns something new, but don't feel a burning desire to have to be the first to see him do it, and being a young child he is bound to repeat it a million times over.

I'm not naive enough to think that women aren't disadvantaged in the workplace, or that for many they can't work together to support eachothers careers, but it's by no means that out of the ordinary or impossible.

@LoverOfAllThingsPurple you really don't seem to get it.

The time I spent with my kids when they were young was quality time. I was super organised single parent with a professional well paid job. I needed wrap around care.

Which many sahp use as well.

When my dd was younger I was full time employed. When ds was young I worked in a business of our own with (now ex) H.

My kids are not very small anymore. And if staying at home would have changed them in anyway, you can keep it. I have 2 happy and confident children, who excel at school. I am very proud of them.

The time outside work i spent with them was quality time. Despite the fact that exh has become a flat earther and conspiracy theorist then verbally abusive to them (dd refuses to see him and ds isn't bothered either). They are both happy and well.

I am sure plenty of sahm make sure they spend quality time with their kids.

However, working or not does not make for a successful parent.

A good parent is a good parent regardless of their working status. A shit parent is a shit parent, even if they stay at home.

You seem to be casting all sahm as great parents and all working parents as harassed, time poor, stressed out parents who don't spend enough time with their kids. That's simply not true.

Imagine how much a working mother would be pounced on for saying something like 'stay at home parents always seem stressed and harassed. Always moaning, hate school holidays, moan all the time and when their kids get in from school they are so tired and stressed they don't engage with the kids. Not on a meaningful level' all because I do know a couple if sahp like this. Which I do. I know one sahp who made her 7 year old spend all evening in her room because "I can't be arsed with her going on all the night'. I don't assume a sahp are shit though. It wouldn't be fair to assume most sahp can't be arsed really.

Look at the threads here who say being a sahm is harder and more stressful than working? If it's harder than working and working reduces how well someone parents....how can sahms all be amazing?

Most people do a good job of parenting regardless of staying at home or working.

Facts are being a sahp alone doesn't make you a good engaged parent. Neither does working. Its about so much more.

I know that I spend more time with my kids now they are older, than most people (I know) who took time out to be a sahm. So how does that figure in your 'can't possibly spend that much time with your kids'.

@Anotherlongroad

BettyCarver well done you. Your kids turned into such “wonderful adults” that you have so much time to spend on this forum…because why? Well , you weren’t spending Saturday or Sunday with them were you? You were here nearly all the time! Did you condition your children to only work or else do something other than spend time with the family? Given you have “adult” children, it’s amazing how invested you are in this. It would be like me advising on disposable vs cloth nappies now. I don’t give a damn. Leave everyone to make their own decisions because your experience is a little old hat. Guess what? There are currently around one million job vacancies in this country so I reckon you can take your concern about women getting back to work and shove it. Maybe there couldn’t be a better time for a woman to take a career break for a few months.

What a nasty post.

Sorry apologise if this has been suggested and rejected...could you take a 12 month sabbatical see how u feel after that? X

There are currently around one million job vacancies in this country so I reckon you can take your concern about women getting back to work and shove it. Maybe there couldn’t be a better time for a woman to take a career break for a few months

Have you see the type of sectors that have vacancies?
It's really not as simple as you are making out.

@Anotherlongroad

BettyCarver well done you. Your kids turned into such “wonderful adults” that you have so much time to spend on this forum…because why? Well , you weren’t spending Saturday or Sunday with them were you? You were here nearly all the time! Did you condition your children to only work or else do something other than spend time with the family? Given you have “adult” children, it’s amazing how invested you are in this. It would be like me advising on disposable vs cloth nappies now. I don’t give a damn. Leave everyone to make their own decisions because your experience is a little old hat. Guess what? There are currently around one million job vacancies in this country so I reckon you can take your concern about women getting back to work and shove it. Maybe there couldn’t be a better time for a woman to take a career break for a few months.

Do you have the faintest idea how ignorant, hypocritical, angry and just sheer deranged this post is?

@Anotherlongroad

BettyCarver well done you. Your kids turned into such “wonderful adults” that you have so much time to spend on this forum…because why? Well , you weren’t spending Saturday or Sunday with them were you? You were here nearly all the time! Did you condition your children to only work or else do something other than spend time with the family? Given you have “adult” children, it’s amazing how invested you are in this. It would be like me advising on disposable vs cloth nappies now. I don’t give a damn. Leave everyone to make their own decisions because your experience is a little old hat. Guess what? There are currently around one million job vacancies in this country so I reckon you can take your concern about women getting back to work and shove it. Maybe there couldn’t be a better time for a woman to take a career break for a few months.

Wow, you sound nice ;)

@Nyxs no, everyone really is misinterpreting my comment. I am a working mother, who regrets working when my kids were small. I was also a SAHM too. I was merely trying to say to OP if you can do it, then do, if not then do what suits your family. I’ve worked in social services and other social care related departments and I have seen so many families struggle with this. I do understand (and I have said this REPEATEDLY) in previous comments, I know it’s worked for some but for so many it hasn’t . Whether people have seen the expectations of mums going to work when they have small kids (with comments as such as don’t have them if you can’t afford them) etc is still very present and real.

So many are tagging me in comments with their experiences. I am not knocking anyone who has managed it. Just merely trying to defend those who haven’t or may regret. Simple as that. Congratulations on your achievements though, you were one of the lucky ones.

‘@paloma2 you've said repeatedly on this thread that you believe it's a mothers instinct to be with her child and a father's instinct to earn to facilitate that. Wasn't it you who said your dh would work all night if that meant you could be with the child? Didn't you say it's his culture to believe a man should be the earner?’

Again no. It’s quite obvious that some women are not cut out to SAH and can’t get back to work quick enough. However,

THE OP IS NOT ONE OF THESE WOMEN.

If she was, this whole thread wouldn’t seem happened, would it.

Blimey.

Unfortunately, she has a mismatch with her husband who is of the variety who does not feel a strong instinct to support his wife at this time.

Apparently this type of man is the norm these days - according to the (still non- forthcoming) ‘research.’ Anyway, who needs evidence when MN has declared it to be so!

I am of the opinion most men, if you look at it on a worldwide basis, would not behave the way the OP’s husband is behaving.

I am also of the opinion that in British society today, an increasing number of men seem to want to have their cake and eat it. The MN brand of ‘feminism’ is very narrow and bolsters such attitudes.

@Anotherlongroad

BettyCarver well done you. Your kids turned into such “wonderful adults” that you have so much time to spend on this forum…because why? Well , you weren’t spending Saturday or Sunday with them were you? You were here nearly all the time! Did you condition your children to only work or else do something other than spend time with the family? Given you have “adult” children, it’s amazing how invested you are in this. It would be like me advising on disposable vs cloth nappies now. I don’t give a damn. Leave everyone to make their own decisions because your experience is a little old hat. Guess what? There are currently around one million job vacancies in this country so I reckon you can take your concern about women getting back to work and shove it. Maybe there couldn’t be a better time for a woman to take a career break for a few months.

Wow. Nice side of ageism there btw.

Personally I value the contributions of posters whose children are adults now and have come out the other side - those who worked and those who didn’t.

I am also of the opinion that in British society today, an increasing number of men seem to want to have their cake and eat it. The MN brand of ‘feminism’ is very narrow and bolsters such attitudes.

But in what way does having both parents work outside the home to provide for their children involve men 'having their cake and eating it'?

Again no. It’s quite obvious that some women are not cut out to SAH and can’t get back to work quick enough.

Here we go again. I haven’t seen anyone suggest that women who SAH are just “not cut out for work” because that would be really offensive. But tell us again about how you’re so marginalised and put upon on MN.

'My husband would have worked through the night if it meant his baby was with me.'

@paloma2 you obviously forgot that this is what you posted!

'Again no. It’s quite obvious that some women are not cut out to SAH and can’t get back to work quick enough.'

Ah yes we've almost got a full house here on the bingo card!

Because of course a mum who works obviously isn't 'cut out' to be a SAHM.
Obviously completely blows some people's minds to understand that some mums could be perfectly happy being at home, but choose to work because they're good at it, they have a worthwhile job, they enjoy it, any combinations of these or indeed a thousand other reasons.

[quote LoverOfAllThingsPurple]@Nyxs no, everyone really is misinterpreting my comment. I am a working mother, who regrets working when my kids were small. I was also a SAHM too. I was merely trying to say to OP if you can do it, then do, if not then do what suits your family. I’ve worked in social services and other social care related departments and I have seen so many families struggle with this. I do understand (and I have said this REPEATEDLY) in previous comments, I know it’s worked for some but for so many it hasn’t . Whether people have seen the expectations of mums going to work when they have small kids (with comments as such as don’t have them if you can’t afford them) etc is still very present and real.

So many are tagging me in comments with their experiences. I am not knocking anyone who has managed it. Just merely trying to defend those who haven’t or may regret. Simple as that. Congratulations on your achievements though, you were one of the lucky ones.[/quote]
And many don't 'manage' it despite being a sahp. I mean, Karen Matthews was a sahm. She didn't manage it.

That's the point. Some parents don't manage to be good parents. Wwthwe they work or not.

What if op is one of those that doesn't 'manage it'?

I am sorry you regret your choices. But plenty don't. It appears you are projecting because you are only talking about how working parents may fail their children. As though that never happens with sahp.

Working or not, is not the main bit that makes or breaks a parent.

SpinsForGin it was only a matter of time before some pointed out the jobs are the wrong jobs. What? Loads of professional healthcare roles, lots of lovely flexible part time roles in shops and service economy, loads of farm work, lorry driving (oh yes, women an do that too), pretty much the entire hospitality sector, education (still not enough teachers and that’s great for mums).,,,.,,,

Yes Betty Carver. He would have worked through the night. He wanted the three children, as did I. For whatever reason, we’d rather not involve other people in our family - ie nannies, nurseries etc. He knows three children is a lot. He wants what’s best for them - educationally, emotionally, socially and whatever and he happens to think I am the best person for that, as their mum. So do I, frankly. That’s just us. Other people can do what they like. But providing for his family is very important to him and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. He told me he would do that very early on. I didn’t ask him. Anyway, I’d far rather be with a man with that type of attitude, than the alternative. I don’t need to ‘make’ him do anything. As if!

Of course I’m not saying women who go to work ALL can’t get out the door fast enough. Some are like that. But most just enjoy their jobs and want that balance. Some have to work because they have husbands like the OP. Some need the money. This is obvious. Please don’t take what I have said and twist it. I posted initially because I felt sorry for THIS SPECIFIC OP because I can imagine how she must feel with a husband like that and I was amazed that the thread was so vehemently supporting him and his ‘goalposts.’

@Anotherlongroad

SpinsForGin it was only a matter of time before some pointed out the jobs are the wrong jobs. What? Loads of professional healthcare roles, lots of lovely flexible part time roles in shops and service economy, loads of farm work, lorry driving (oh yes, women an do that too), pretty much the entire hospitality sector, education (still not enough teachers and that’s great for mums).,,,.,,,

Lots of shops don't offer flexibility. It's the shifts offered or nothing. Causes no end of problems.

Same in health care. If you can be bank staff in a well run department its great. Except that's hard to come by. Again, it's the shifts they tell you.

Lorry driving, often means long periods or at least over nights away. Lots of mothers and fathers won't do that. I don't. I would rather do Sheffield to Glasgow and back in one day, than stay over. And I do.

Hospitality, again, isn't very family friendly and known for forcing unsuitable shifts on people.

Teaching (from teachers I know and on MN is a bit of a mixed bag). Yes mon-fri term time. But you would need to be in a school in the same are or even schl to ensure a holidays are the same. And also alot of work outside 9-3 is expected.

Look at threads from teachers here who say it nor family friendly and they often work 60 hours a week during term time and are exhausted by half term.

Plus the time and money it takes to retrain, means iga not an option for every woman out there

@paloma2 and as we keep saying, that's your family. It works for you. Which is fine.

What isn't fine is your assertions throughout the thread that women's instincts are to be at home and men's is to facilitate that. It's just one way of parenting, not better or worse than others.

The feeling of a parent that they don't want to be the sole provider is every bit as valid as you and your dh's desire to take on the roles you've chosen.

DrSbaitso angry, deranged? Actually I’m enjoying a lovely glass of prosecco whilst cooking some supper here and I’m quietly chuckling away at how you and your gang are so quick to jump on people who don’t play to your rules, but think it’s ok to be unkind, rude, obnoxious etc etc to others and expect to get away it. I’m actually having fun here as this went way beyond sensible ‘discussion’ days ago. The same drums are being banged louder and louder as they always do. BettyCarvers batteries still haven’t run out and I’m just sitting watching and having a laugh now.