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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

With how my SIL reacts to this situation?

241 replies

Ihateeveryone56 · 27/10/2021 09:31

My brother, SIL and niece are all visiting my house for a few days. They go home tomorrow and I can not wait just because of how they pander and react to this situation!

I have a dog who is a rescue. She is 2 and half but trained. It’s taken a lot of hard work on my part and my dogs part to be trained and get to the point we are at. We still go to weekly classes and have constant training sessions. My niece is 5 coming up to 6 and she reacts to my dog very badly. My dog is a medium sized breed that comes up to roughly knee height. Every single time my niece comes into a room my dog is in/comes down the stairs/just sits in a room and my dog walks in she screams at the top of her lungs. I mean a really high pitched cut through your soul kind of scream. This in turn scares the crap out of my dog which makes her run away and in turn makes my niece scream louder (which I didn’t know was possible)!

I tell my niece to stop screaming because it’s not nice and there’s no reason too. She then demands to be picked up by her mom (SIL) and she does it straight away. Instead of sitting there and saying you’re being silly, she’s fine, there’s nothing wrong she panders to her picks her up and thus re- starts the cycle of screaming/picking up and not accepting my dog. This is my dog, my dogs home and not theirs. I’ve put up a stair gate for the last 2 days so I can stop my dog coming into the lounge but I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that? My niece will then stand the other side of the gate calling her a bad girl and a naughty dog when all she’s doing is lying there. I do tell her off for saying this but doesn’t seem to change a thing.

For context they own a terrier type dog who is a lot smaller than mine however that dog has actually bitten my niece on her cheek in the past but they still have the dog. My dog has never once bitten and is certainly not aggressive.

AIBU to be annoyed at the pandering to the behaviour she is showing? I have explained to my SIL and my brother if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues but they still don’t correct her.

OP posts:
10yearwarranty · 27/10/2021 09:35

I can't understand why they are visiting for a few days when their daughter is terrified of the resident dog. What a daft idea. Everyone would be better off if they stayed somewhere else and visited you.

ItsAllMumboJumbo · 27/10/2021 09:36

Don't have them round, it's not fair on the dog

SnarkyBag · 27/10/2021 09:39

Just send them home

DingDongDenny · 27/10/2021 09:40

I'd tell them if they don't address the issue they have to leave.

Bananarama21 · 27/10/2021 09:42

I could see her pov as she was bitten but then they still kept the dog which makes zero sense.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/10/2021 09:42

Yes, I also agree they shouldn’t come.

Not fair on the dog, or you.

You can’t change their parenting (much as you might want to) but you can change how you deal with them.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/10/2021 09:42

I agree it makes no sense for them to keep their own biting dig.

Sandyseagul · 27/10/2021 09:43

I’d suggest to them they go home early as it’s clearly not working out with your dog or niece and don’t invite them back.

trulyconfuseddotcom · 27/10/2021 09:43

That's ridiculous. Your poor dog, this sounds quite stressful for everyone involved. I think that if they want to visit again, they need to find alternative accommodation, at least until the child is a couple of years older. I have two dogs and wouldn't want this situation in my home, it's not great for you, your dog or the child. You've tried to deal with it in a reasonable way but unfortunately you can't make the parents act sensibly if they don't want to.

MatildaTheCat · 27/10/2021 09:44

YANBU. I wouldn’t have them to stay again until she’s older and less scared. I wonder if she has mistakenly remembered the dog bite as your dog rather than her own?

That said, my DN aged 6 is still a bit nervous of our dog despite adoring him. I think he just feels big to her and noisy when he barks.

TrashyPanda · 27/10/2021 09:46

It sounds like she has sussed this is a good way of getting attention

Play her at her own game and tell her that every time she screams she has to go upstairs for 5 minutes because she is deliberately upsetting the dog, which is not a nice way to behave

3peassuit · 27/10/2021 09:47

Send them home, they’re derailing your dog’s training.

Notonthestairs · 27/10/2021 09:48

Time to leave.

I feel very sorry for the dog.

romdowa · 27/10/2021 09:50

I'd have sent them home after the second time she did this. Your poor dog will be a nervous wreck. My rescue dog would loose his life at that.

Billybagpuss · 27/10/2021 09:50

Can you have a chat with DB? your poor dog is far more likely to react to a scream than anything, I know it would set mine off barking big time then it would be your poor dogs fault and labelled as aggressive.

Gizlotsmum · 27/10/2021 09:54

I don’t think she should be told not to be silly, if she is genuinely scared she can’t help it. But she should be told to stop screaming and should not be telling your dog it is naughty. My children have at various times been nervous of family dogs and I have only asked for the dog to be moved out of the room in house which are neither the kids or dogs home and only for short periods, if we are in the dogs house and they aren’t coping we leave…

rainbowstardrops · 27/10/2021 09:54

Your poor dog. At least look on the bright side, you won't have to host them anymore!

PetriDisher · 27/10/2021 09:55

It's hard to properly understand the dynamics without being there but assuming that your niece is genuinely afraid (which wouldn't surprise me if she's been bitten by a smaller dog before, and now here's a giant version of the animal that did it!) I don't think that your SIL is doing anything wrong by picking her up and comforting her.

I say this as someone with very little patience for people who are afraid of dogs generally because my instinctive feeling is that it's ridiculous (which I know is not really fair!) but if my 5 year old was afraid of something, however irrational, I would absolutely comfort them. Partly because I love them and it's just natural to comfort them, partly because I don't actually think anyone (young or old) is really helped by having their fears dismissed and bring told not to be so silly.

It would be helpful if your SIL could also work with your niece to introduce her to your dog and see that he's safe, assuming that is the case, but it's very easy to criticise from the outside.

I also note that your dog is a rescue and it's taken a lot of work to train them. This suggests to me that he perhaps has an unknown history and has maybe behaved in ways that would naturally scare a small child in the past? (Even if just overly boisterous or jumping up). That would make me a bit cautious as a parent too which might explain why your SIL isn't as forthcoming with the reassurance and introductions with your niece as she might be.

Honestly, I don't think anyone is particularly in the wrong here but it sounds like they shouldn't stay with you for a while until your niece and your dog have had the chance to meet lots more in neutral settings and hopefully get used to each other more.

Returnoftheowl · 27/10/2021 09:58

If your niece is standing on the other side of the stair gate taunting your dog I wouldn't say she's scared of the dog.

Easiest way to sort this out would be not having them to stay again, at least until the niece is older.

Furrydogmum · 27/10/2021 09:58

YABU to put your dog through that amount of stress for more than five minutes! Don't have them in your house period..

HikingforScenery · 27/10/2021 09:59

I don’t think it’s a big deal having to shut your door behind a stair gate and helping your niece get used to the dog. You’ve all had enough time to use positive reinforcement for trying to get your niece used to your dog. None of you has done anything effective

I guess you ( and your niece’s parents) have to decide whether your relationship is precious enough to work towards a common effective solution for the scenario.
If it’s not, they don’t come back or you don’t invite them back.

What a horrible situation for a 5 year old to be in . The three adults in the situation aren’t helping really

girlmom21 · 27/10/2021 09:59

She's not scared of the dog or she wouldn't be taunting it.
I'd ask them to leave.

mountbattenbergcake · 27/10/2021 09:59

You need to protect your dig and not have them round again.

TrickOrTreat21x · 27/10/2021 10:00

I would cut the visit short and insist they go today. If they can't control their child then tough shit.

That's some really bad parenting skills, they are going to regret it when she's older.

Poptart4 · 27/10/2021 10:00

I'm terrified of dogs. I don't care how many owners insist that their dog is nice and nothing to be afraid of. They still scare me. I don't know why I'm this way. But I'm an adult so I can just avoid situations where I have to be around dogs.

Your niece is 5 so she can't help the way she reacts to her fear of your dog. Telling someone who is afraid that they are being silly really doesn't help Halloween Hmm

You and your brother should have sat her down on day 1 and brought the dog over to her, dad with dd and you holding the dog. Introduce her to him in a way that felt safe and let her rub him and see that he's a nice dog. Maybe let her tell him to sit and then give him a treat when he does it.... this is how my brother got my child used to his dog.

You can't criticise a mother for picking up a distressed and screaming child. That's a natural reaction.

Side note, its interesting how your focusing your annoyance on your SIL and not YOUR brother who is also the child's parent.

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