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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

With how my SIL reacts to this situation?

241 replies

Ihateeveryone56 · 27/10/2021 09:31

My brother, SIL and niece are all visiting my house for a few days. They go home tomorrow and I can not wait just because of how they pander and react to this situation!

I have a dog who is a rescue. She is 2 and half but trained. It’s taken a lot of hard work on my part and my dogs part to be trained and get to the point we are at. We still go to weekly classes and have constant training sessions. My niece is 5 coming up to 6 and she reacts to my dog very badly. My dog is a medium sized breed that comes up to roughly knee height. Every single time my niece comes into a room my dog is in/comes down the stairs/just sits in a room and my dog walks in she screams at the top of her lungs. I mean a really high pitched cut through your soul kind of scream. This in turn scares the crap out of my dog which makes her run away and in turn makes my niece scream louder (which I didn’t know was possible)!

I tell my niece to stop screaming because it’s not nice and there’s no reason too. She then demands to be picked up by her mom (SIL) and she does it straight away. Instead of sitting there and saying you’re being silly, she’s fine, there’s nothing wrong she panders to her picks her up and thus re- starts the cycle of screaming/picking up and not accepting my dog. This is my dog, my dogs home and not theirs. I’ve put up a stair gate for the last 2 days so I can stop my dog coming into the lounge but I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that? My niece will then stand the other side of the gate calling her a bad girl and a naughty dog when all she’s doing is lying there. I do tell her off for saying this but doesn’t seem to change a thing.

For context they own a terrier type dog who is a lot smaller than mine however that dog has actually bitten my niece on her cheek in the past but they still have the dog. My dog has never once bitten and is certainly not aggressive.

AIBU to be annoyed at the pandering to the behaviour she is showing? I have explained to my SIL and my brother if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues but they still don’t correct her.

OP posts:
Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 27/10/2021 13:03

@SilverBirchWithout

I’d be fuming if my SIL tried to dictate how I comforted my distressed DC. Don’t worry OP they will not visit you and your Ddog again.
I'd be fuming if my SIL shouted at my dog to leave the room as she encouraged my niece to scream at him.

They wouldn't be invited back!

SilverBirchWithout · 27/10/2021 13:08

Absolutely. The relationship between these 2 women is over.

AmyDudley · 27/10/2021 13:23

If she screams again I would tell her off very firmly 'stop that screaming at once, you are frightening the dog and she hasn't done anything wrong.' and if SIL isn't willing to reinforce and picks the child up then tell them both to leave the room.

I'd get your brother on his own and tell him that there will be no more visits because of this behaviour unless he can guarantee it will not happen again. It is very unfair on your poor dog, and totally unacceptable for the child to tell her she is naughty for being in a room or eating her dinner.

If the child is scared (and I don;t believe she is - she's found a behaviour that gets her a lot of attention and because it has been reinforced by SIL she is continuing with it), then she needs to be told firmly that she will be fine if she behaves sensibly round the dog. I would take her out on a walk with the dog so there is more space, I would show her how to gently stroke the dog etc. But she has a dog in her own home, so she knows all this. I suspect she got bitten by their dog because she was teasing it.

But the main thing is to make clear to DB DSIL and DN that this screaming is not acceptable and there will be no more visits unless it can be guaranteed not to happen again.

HelloBambinos · 27/10/2021 13:25

These types of parents are the worst. Stop pandering to a child screaming at the poor dog
Especially when you kept the dog who actually bit her. And it's not like she's a small baby. How terrible for your poor dog. I would have made it clear they either need to stop encouraging her behaviour by pandering to her and not correcting her or they would be leaving straight away. As others have said at least you won't have to host them again.

IntermittentParps · 27/10/2021 13:26

If my dog was behaving g like that, I’d put it into another room away from everyone until it learned to behave. Every time it barked, it would get removed
The OP's dog isn't behaving like this. The niece screams when she comes into a room the dog is in, or when the dog simply walks into a room. And when the dog then runs away. And she stands the other side of the gate calling the dog a bad girl and a naughty dog when the dog is simply lying quietly.

TrashyPanda · 27/10/2021 13:32

@SilverBirchWithout

Absolutely. The relationship between these 2 women is over.
Very true
paisley256 · 27/10/2021 13:36

They'd have to go.

Original poster
Ihateeveryone56 · 27/10/2021 13:36

They have now left and instantly the house is calmer. My brother gave me a hug thanked me for letting them stay and apologised for not acting better or quicker to the situation. He said he will be having a conversation with SIL about the dog at home and about getting my niece some help for her fear as he is worried about the sudden change in behaviour.

SIL wouldn’t look at me and left my house without even saying goodbye or a thank you for hosting them so that was lovely…..

Niece gave me a hug and kiss goodbye and has asked when she will next see me so looks like visits to their house when I’m in the are for work sounds like the best decision for the time being.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 27/10/2021 13:36

If the situation was reversed and the dog was incessantly barking at the child through fear would you comfort it and try and make things better or punish it?

Neither, @mumofbun. Because neither option would be effective.

I'd take the third option - which is to remove the dog from the situation.

Comforting the dog for barking would reinforce the behaviour.
Punishing the dog would do nothing to stop him barking, except make him scared of the unreasonable human who punishes him for being a dog.

But OP was more focused on it being her dog's own home, & the dog therefore having full rights to roam it, than she was on preventing her niece's behaviour by removing the source of stimulus.

That's not dog handling, it's ego.
I can just about accept that she preferred to assert the dog's rights over understanding how scared/defiant her niece is being about the dog.
What I can't understand is how she allowed it to go on for days, allowed her dog to keep being in the same room as the niece, & didn't send them all packing days ago, rather than have her niece acting out & her dog persistently scared.

ChargingBuck · 27/10/2021 13:39

Well said, @Bookworm20

TrueGrit54 · 27/10/2021 13:40

Phew! Well done, hope you and dog have a lovely rest of the week.

ChargingBuck · 27/10/2021 13:44

My brother gave me a hug thanked me for letting them stay and apologised for not acting better or quicker to the situation. He said he will be having a conversation with SIL about the dog at home and about getting my niece some help for her fear as he is worried about the sudden change in behaviour.

Positive update OP!
& well done for finally getting them to leave early - the situation was untenable for everyone.

It's really good news that he is going to tackle the situation by dealing with what's going on with their own dog at home, & getting some extra help for your niece about managing her fears & reactions.

Notonthestairs · 27/10/2021 14:00

I don't understand the references to the dog barking or being comforted or punished for barking. I can't see where the Op mentioned barking at all.

stayathomer · 27/10/2021 14:12

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable because I think you're just all very different. People here who are going off on one about your sister-in-law forget that when you're in someone else's house you do not parent the way you parent at home. You are stuck between trying to keep the peace and trying to show who's boss but without looking like you're being over the top. Also I knew from the start of the post from how dedicated you are to your dog that anything to do with children was going to be a bit of trouble. I've a six year old and while I hope he wouldn't scream like that, anything anything is possible!! Hope you all get a nice bit of peace in the next few days OP!

TrashyPanda · 27/10/2021 14:14

Sounds like the clouds have been cleared from your brothers eyes.

Funny how the niece seems unconcerned about auntie stepping in and telling her to stop screaming. Maybe it is an attention seeking behaviour.

HikingforScenery · 27/10/2021 14:21

@ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS

YABU to ask parents to stop pandering to their scared child YABU to expect a 5yo child to control her fear of your dog YABU for telling a 5yo child off

YANBU to want you dog to be able to wonder around your home freely without being scared or afraid.

YABU to invite them when you knew there was going to be an issue

All this
Tabitha005 · 27/10/2021 14:27

@Returnoftheowl

If your niece is standing on the other side of the stair gate taunting your dog I wouldn't say she's scared of the dog.

Easiest way to sort this out would be not having them to stay again, at least until the niece is older.

I was thinking this. The kid sounds like a brat.
godmum56 · 27/10/2021 14:31

@Subbaxeo
"If my dog was behaving g like that, I’d put it into another room away from everyone until it learned to behave. Every time it barked, it would get removed. No attention or comforting."

then you would be mistreating your dog.

LaetitiaASD · 27/10/2021 14:33

As I read the story I was thinking "this is exactly what happens as a direct result of bad dog owners"... and there we have it at the end of the story - niece is a mess around dogs as a direct result of her parents being shitty dog owners. I was thinking that the blame should be on random third parties with off the lead dogs in parks, but no, it's the parents.

I think that it is entirely reasonable of niece to react like that around dogs - that is how her environment has taught her to be.

I think it's entirely reasonable of you to refuse to visit their house or spend time with their dangerous dog, and equally you shouldn't expose your dog to your niece who is a psychological mess as a result of their parents attitude to dogs.

Your bro and SIL are appalling people if they have allowed their untrained dog to bite, and worse for not getting rid.

Subbaxeo · 27/10/2021 14:36

@godmum56 I don’t agree. If we take the dog out every time it barks at people, it learns not to bark at people. I wouldn’t reward bad behaviour with attention. I only wish my ndn had done some training with hers-constant yapping in the garden so we can’t enjoy time in ours. Well behaved dogs are a delight, barkers less so.

LaetitiaASD · 27/10/2021 14:37

@Ihateeveryone56 "As for saying it’s my “glib assertion” that I said she’s taunting my dog I’d kindly ask you to read my original OP and see that not have any point have I said she was taunting it but I did say for her to call a dog naughty when it laid down not doing anything is wrong."

You do knwo that your dog cannot speak english don't you?

TheGirlCat · 27/10/2021 14:39

[quote LaetitiaASD]@Ihateeveryone56 "As for saying it’s my “glib assertion” that I said she’s taunting my dog I’d kindly ask you to read my original OP and see that not have any point have I said she was taunting it but I did say for her to call a dog naughty when it laid down not doing anything is wrong."

You do knwo that your dog cannot speak english don't you?[/quote]
You do know that dogs know exactly the meaning of words like; come, sit, stay, naughty, good, good girl/boy, bad?

godmum56 · 27/10/2021 14:44

[quote Subbaxeo]@godmum56 I don’t agree. If we take the dog out every time it barks at people, it learns not to bark at people. I wouldn’t reward bad behaviour with attention. I only wish my ndn had done some training with hers-constant yapping in the garden so we can’t enjoy time in ours. Well behaved dogs are a delight, barkers less so.[/quote]
i would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong

TheGirlCat · 27/10/2021 14:48

@godmum56 Subbaxeo is right and you are wrong. You do not reward bad behaviour.

Original poster
Ihateeveryone56 · 27/10/2021 14:49

[quote LaetitiaASD]@Ihateeveryone56 "As for saying it’s my “glib assertion” that I said she’s taunting my dog I’d kindly ask you to read my original OP and see that not have any point have I said she was taunting it but I did say for her to call a dog naughty when it laid down not doing anything is wrong."

You do knwo that your dog cannot speak english don't you?[/quote]
But you do realise they understand words and tones of humans? Why should my dog be told off that she’s naughty when all she’s done is lie down.

OP posts: